I copied this from my online group message board. It is my very first post to the group on 12/16/09 reaching out for help. I wanted to share it with all of you who are reading this right now, sad, suffering, struggling, frustrated, desperate...but scared....scared of the unknown - Now you can see that I was too! You're not alone, but in order for your life to begin to get better, you MUST TAKE ACTION, whether it be a psychiatrist, therapist, drug/alcohol abuse counselor, rehab, outpatient rehab, an online recovery group, AA, any of the other recovery programs out there similar to AA (not sure of their names), a close friend or family member who you could confide in, or last but definitely not least "God"......REACH OUT TO SOMEONE. The only thing you NEED TO BE AT THIS TIME IS "WILLING".
Okay, here's my very 1st post for help:
New to the group
My name is Annette. I am an "almost" 40 year old stay at home mom w/2 wonderful
boys and a very supportive husband. I don't drink every day, but on the
weekends or special occasions when I do drink - I drink a lot and sometimes to
the point of blackouts. The last time I blacked out was Nov 14th. I quit
drinking altogether - until last nite. I was near a liquor store and just
pulled in and bought a small bottle of vodka - got home & drank it. Woke up
feeling the normal feelings - shame, hungover, stupid. But I now realize that I
need to stop and need to deal with my drinking. I am seeing a therapist once a
week, but obviously that's not enough. I joined this online group for support,
advice, friendship & understanding. I plan on going to my 1st AA meeting
sometime this week. I think I'm gonna try an all womens group near my home. I
wish I wasn't like this - I wish I could drink socially like all of my friends -
but I'm tired . . . .tired of the fights my drinking causes b/w my husband & I'm
tired of the blackouts and not remembering things I said or did, tired of lying
to myself & my family & friends - basically I surrender. Look forward to
hearing from you all. Thanks for having me in your group.
As you can see, I was still lying about my drinking...I said I didn't drink every day...only on weekends and special occasions...yeah right!!! I look back now & laugh, but I truly remember how scared shitless I was that day when I posted the above message. I was literally crying, shaking, gasping for breath....and I was thinking this exact thought....."God, how did I get here???" The only answer I've come to rely upon thus far in my recovery is that "I have to learn to accept life on life's terms - this life was a gift to me from God - I am an alcoholic - God has a reason for everything, good & bad, that he puts in my life - including my alcoholism - maybe it was so I could reach out to others & help - I don't know - I just accept what God has given me TODAY, and that's enough for me.
I hope this, my final post before Em gets back tomorrow, touches all of you in some way. I truly want all of you to have the peace, serenity & sobriety that many of us on here already have. I want it so badly that it hurt sometimes. Please take action & be willing - that's all I ask. I've asked God to bless each & every one of you in my prayers this morning. Thanks for all the supportive comments while fillin in for Em - it was wonderful being able to help her.
.......now back to you Ms. Emily!