Thursday, August 4, 2016

Where you can find me...

You are important to me. I never want anyone to feel as broken and lonely as I did - that is why I am willing to tell my story at such a public level.

The last thing I ever wanted is for people to relate and identify with and then not be able to find me. In fact that was the very reason this blog was started. The truth be told after many years of blogging I just kind of ran out of things to say and quite frankly I was tired of blogging about being sick - so I stopped. God gave me a brand new life in sobriety and it was time for me to start living it. Please know that I am accessible and love hearing from you. You are not alone- and it does get better, I promise.

Friend me on Facebook...
Emily Sadler

Follow me on Facebook

or  instagram...

or email me....

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Instead of getting scared when her dreams started coming true - she took great faith in the fact that her dreams were so much bigger than her, understood with all of her heart that she was only a small part of them...with that understanding and faith she took a deep breath, thanked God, and ran off to live the life he had created for her..............................

Friday, March 20, 2015

Blog Envy

Envy is a big red flag stearing us in the direction we are meant to go - I read this quote on a blog..I'm pretty sure it was (if you haven't read it you for sure should!) the fact I read it on that blog is actually pretty funny as I totally have blog envy of it. She's amazingly honest, has a book and a shit ton of readers .. She has accomplished on her blog the goals I have set for mine. 

But then suddenly I was reminded that this blog was built by the Grace of God and that it really doesn't matter what I want. I built it to make people feel less alone and there is no doubt that it has done that. 

I am starting to read more  recovery blogs and reach out to other amazing women who are speaking out loud and bravely about recovery. As I've said a million times the more we talk about it the less power it has over us.

Here's to brave people who take their recovery stories outside of the rooms. isn't everybody's calling but is without a doubt mine.

Thank you for helping me and encouraging me to be brave. 

**if you're just starting out know that you are not alone ... Ask for help, reach out and let us love you until you can love yourself**

(Lol I have watched WAY too much Gossip Girl) 

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Giving up Sugar for Lent

If you follow me on FB then you know I gave up sugar for lent. Come to find out sugar was my "go-to" emotion food.  I'll be honest I'm feeling pretty crappy. But I've been around long enough to know that feelings aren't facts and that they will pass. In this case they will for sure pass on April 5th - which is not only Easter but also my 41st Birthday. I am starting the day with pancakes! (hint, hint to my family)

I also gave up artificial sweetener, because I'm a bit of a Go Big or Go Home kind of girl.

I have proven to myself multiple times that I can set a goal and stick to it (which is a huge deal for me because for years I was pretty sure that I was the most undisciplined person around) The problem is keeping some sort of routine after the goal has been met.

Example: I did 64 days of yoga in a row and then it took me 2 months to get back in a yoga room. My plan was to scale back to 3 classes per week. It didn't help that I got a boyfriend right after which always throws me off my game - not their fault -  totally mine. It is something I am working on.

These goals for sure let me see my patterns...
No Boyfriend = big goals that I always accomplish
Boyfriend = no goals and crappy routines.

So as for right now I have no boyfriend, I don't drink, I don't smoke and I'm not eating any sugar... I'm just a peach to be around :)

Monday, February 23, 2015

What if everything you've ever wanted....

was on the other side of fear? I think we think our way out of our dreams coming true. Not thinking we're good enough, thinking our dreams are too big to every accomplish - really thinking anything other then every dream we're ever had coming true is why they don't.

I know my business will be a success
I know I will meet the love of my life
I know I will always be able to provide for my family

How do you know? Faith told me so.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

No Game

I had  a girlfriend call last week with a broken had happened again. Meet a man, he says and does all of the right things. claims his love for you - but in a matter of weeks - bam- it's over, just like that. Leaving a bright, beautiful and brilliant women feeling alone and confused thinking that she has done something wrong.

My words to her were this.. find one without game. One who doesn't have all of the beautiful words to get you in the sack. One who is a bit shy and reserved. One you have to crack open to get to the good stuff.

I know the following is a bit  harsh but it is my observation and I am going to share it... What I have found is that men with game (all the right words) in the end are either mildly sociopathic or at the lease misogynists. They normally had to be very manipulative  to get the love and attention from the most important women in their lives (Like their Mom - which is super sad and unfair)

Game = Mommy issues (most of the time) My maternal instant wants to parent, love and fix broken men. But the fact is it doesn't work. No matter how hard I try I will never be able to fix the pain and hurt of poor parenting. Nothing I can do will ever be good enough to fill that void - trust me I've tried.

My advice to her (and myself) is this......find a shy one that loves his Mom.

Friday, February 13, 2015

50 Shades of Grey

I'm sitting in the movie theater by myself in the middle of the day waiting for 50 Shades of Grey to start.

I'll let you know how it is. 😊

Here is a post I left on a FB debate about 50 shade of Grey.....

A lot of people seem to think that it promote domestic violence and the poor treatment of women. They are entitled to their opinion,  but you wanna know what I think? I think it promotes better sex. 

Emily Sadler The second he inflicted actual pain on her she walked. I actually think she's a badass and truly out of the two of them she's the one that had control. People should read all 3 book before making a judgment.
Like · Reply · 23 · 9 hrs

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Why is the Cubs my Happy Place?

Every time I go see my friends at the Cubs Spring stadium I Facebook that I am at my "happy place" Yesterday it dawned on me that maybe you were wondering why a baseball stadium would ever be my happy place. I can explain...

5 year ago I walked into the Chicago Cubs Spring training facility broken, broke, sad and afraid. I was at my worst- or at least the worst I had been in sobriety. My heart was so broken that I could hardly take a full breath. And I was so poor that I literally ran out of gas on the way there. I was there to be the caterer having no clue that what I was going to find there was a brand new life.  I found confidence and friendship. I found a break from the shattering loneliness I was living with. I spend a lot of time there, even when I wasn't working. It was truly the place that made me the happiest. It wasn't a bad deal for Gavin either as  he truly loves everything about the sport of baseball, so being able to "play" in a stadium was pretty magical to him too.

It will always, always hold a special place in my heart. <3 nbsp="" p="">

Thursday, February 5, 2015


There's something about me that I don't like to admit - not even to myself. But they say we're only sick as our secrets so maybe if I let it out it'll fade away… I am easily annoyed -  sounds people make, little quirks, shit sometimes people in general just annoy me. I have very little tolerance for behavior that I deem intolerable. 

This whole being annoyed and irritated thing is getting a little bit out of control. I would hate to think that that's just me...that I am this irritatable intolerant women. :/ 

I know the fact of the matter is That I am not spiritually fit right now. Spiritual people don't feel like punching others for gulping or chewing too loudly. Spiritually fit people have love and tolerance for their fellow man. 

I am doing everything I can to take care of my current spiritual condition...but between now and then if I do something unloving or intolerant to you please know it is me not you - and that I am sorry ❤️

Monday, February 2, 2015

Doing the next right thing...

There are times I'm not sure what the next right thing to do is but I'm normally pretty clear on what the next wrong action to take is. I'm uncomfortable, lonely and going through a mass amount of growth. My will wants to reach out and fill that void with something finding a man or eating crappy food or whatever is temporarily gonna make me feel better. I  know that is not the answer and I know if I just hold on the uncomfortableness will pass. 

I am doing everything that I was taught to do. I'm going to meetings and working with other alcoholics. I'm eating healthy and doing yoga. I'm doing step work and digging deeper into the things that are affecting me in my life today.

  I'm doing all of these things even though what I really want to do is crawl up in bed and not get out for the rest of the month but instead I will ... Just keep swimming…

Friday, January 30, 2015

21 day yoga challenge

If you follow me on Facebook you know that I've done numerous yoga challenge.  One was for 64 days straight, one was for three iron classes per week for two months and my most recent was 21 classes in 30 days. 

I am the most proud of this last one. The reason is that I accomplish that goal in spite of everything that was going on in my life - the biggest event of the year, a breakdown, a small bout of depression, dealing with Gavin (who isn't doing all that well in school) 

But I set a goal and for me not to accomplish it was unacceptable.  I JUST learned that I was capable of setting goals and accomplishing them - I'm certainly not gonna break the momentum now.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Are you sorry you asked?

I new friend asked me how my day was and how I was feeling.  This was the txt I sent... 

I went to my morning meeting. Then I went to breakfast with two other small business owners that I am very close with..❤️ them! We all then went to take a tour of Gainey Ranch with their event Coordinator. Great venue. 

I then picked Gavin up from school and took him to the doctor. He has a sinus infection. Then I won worst Mom of the year award for screaming at him because he locked his door and I had to pound on it to wake him up. I really don't like teenagers. I have all this love and tolerance for little kids - my God I was a preschool teacher for 10 years… But teenagers - ugh!! 

I now owe him an amends. 


He thinks I'm super funny - for now... Lol 

Monday, January 26, 2015


I had an x-boyfriend once who said I used my mental illness as an excuse - I'll admit it pissed me off. then I asked myself..."An excuse for what? To talk publicly about my recovery, to start a blog that was published in People magazine, or to start my own business? Perhaps it was an excuse to be in the documentary I was in or the AD council campaign about Drunk Driving I was a part of. Knowing that he felt that way made him unsafe. 

Looking back over the last few weeks I see how truly blessed I am. I have people in my life that "get" it. My best friend actually saw this last spell coming (I think we're going to start calling them spells- much better word than breakdown or episode ) he came and filled my refrigerator with food that I love (when I'm having a hard time I forget to eat and it is dangerous) none of these people let me use anything as an excuse. My Mom once told me that I didn't have time for a breakdown and to get it together. She is my biggest supporter. She understands without enabling. 

Having so much support and knowing that I could talk about it with people that care, love and understand me was why I didn't get "stuck" in my own head this time. In the past I have been unable to communicate any of my feelings or thoughts during a spell. I will tell you right now being trapped in your own head is the worse thing ever it's like an acid trip that comes out of nowhere with no predictable end. 

I had a blogging friend who once told me she was so, so proud of me for talking about my alcoholism and that she couldn't imagine being that brave - and then in return I told her that I was so, so proud of her for talking about her bipolar and that I couldn't imagine being that brave.  

I guess today I am that brave. 

Thursday, January 22, 2015


In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous there is a paragraph that states - There is the manic-depressive type, who is, perhaps, the least understood by his friends, and about whom a whole chapter could be written.

It is tough to admit that I am that type of alcoholic - but I am.  The last few weeks have taught me that I still have manic in me - I find that to be upsetting and scary - as manic has lead me to very dark places in the past. But not this time. This time I knew exactly what to do and because of that I kept my sanity and my soberity. 

Reading the Big Book helped - it always does. Reading the passage about the manic/depressive alcoholic was pivotal - you see I start to feel  that I am the only one who suffers with a mental illness. But the truth is.. all alcoholics deal with mental illness in one way or another. I am not  unique in my illness and thinking so is just my ego trying to separate me from God (Easing God Out)

I'm not unique, I am not alone. I am one of.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Emotional Newcomer

I'm not really ready to talk about it - but this last week sucked. I went into the event I last blogged about resentful, tired and discontent - working a half ass program....because of that ego and pride took over .. And you know what they say about pride.

When it came down to it I had to pick my soberity over my job. I know the redirection happened for a reason - I know God needs me in another place to do his will. But I will admit that even though I know it is for a reason it didn't make it any less painful or any less scary. That's the thing about faith just because I have a ton doesn't mean I don't have feelings and emotions and fear.

Obviously there's a little more to this but again I'm just not ready to talk about it.

As for my recovery..I'm kind of looking at it like I'm an emotional newcomer. I'll be going to a meeting every day, read out of the big book, help the other alcoholics and talk to my sponsors.

  Easy does it.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Event Exhaustion

I am in the middle of my largest event of the year.  I  work, plan and staff events- in case you wanted to know what I did for a living. The amount of hours I am putting in is unheard of.   It is taking the life and sanity out of me. I have cried twice (not really one to cry) Sunday I slide in to a meeting a emotional train wretch. Being this tired and mentally  exhausted is dangerous for me and I know it.

Please send some prayers my way.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Standing the test of Time

When I first started this blog I questioned if it would stand the test of time. I think it's very cool that it has. There were times that you and this blog kept me sober and  there were times I only blogged for you. But regardless I kept on blogging - biggest reason this blog is still around ;) The other is that I made a commitment to be kind and to never blog, tweet or Face book about someone in a unkind or passive aggressive way. I use to remind myself not to be do it by using the phase don't tweet AT anyone. Have I been perfect at this? No but I have done a pretty good job. I believe it is why my readers are so kind not only to me but to each other. There are plenty of blogs where you can be an asshole - I have always said that this is not one of them.

Thank you for reading and I love you.

Friday, January 2, 2015


20 years ago when I was 20 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Happy 20th Birthday, Beau! Thank you for growing up with me! 

And because I believe in blessings and miracles I bought $20 worth of lottery tickets today....'ya never know! 

Thursday, January 1, 2015

2015 - The Best Year of my Life!

January 1st 2009
I just woke up from a very deep afternoon nap. I'm not sure if it's my PMS, the full moon or if I am hiding from the New Year. But whatever it is, it's not looking pretty.

I have a crap load of New Year's resolutions or goals, or whatever you want to call them spinning through my head. Become fully self supporting, start working out, quit smoking, get my house organized, find a new boyfriend, divorce myself from self pity and self seeking motives. Kind of putting a little pressure on myself you think. I am flipping going to get back in bed and sleep this out!

January 1st 2015
 The above blog post is proof that it DOES get better. On my home from yoga today the words -This is going to be the best year of your life- came out of my mouth out of nowhere... it was a little bit odd, but I decided to just go ahead and agree.

I have accomplished most goals set on the above list. Very rarely do I take a moment to look at how far I have come - but God have I come a long way. Sobriety is worth every bit of the work it takes. 

I have one goal for this year and it is to keep my house and car clean and organized. It is the one thing that show up on my goal list each and every time. 

Here's to a happy, healthy and clean 2015! 

Saturday, December 27, 2014


Pause and use spiritual energy....

I paused tonight instead of lashing out at someone who had hurt me. Instead of texting the person what an ass I thought they were, I called another alcoholic and shared with her what was bothering me - and even though she completely understood and empathized with me her advice was not to call the person and sock it to them - her advice was to put it in my God Box. 

Sometimes all it takes is someone really understanding where you are coming from to move pass a situation. I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life that pick up their phones! 


Friday, December 26, 2014

What it sounds like in my head.....

I need to take the Christmas stuff down,  I can no longer have babies - not sure how I feel about that, I wonder what I should wear on my coffee date tomorrow, Beau is going out of town with his 'boys'  - hope they stay out of jail, my Mom is in town and making me aware of my need for alone time, I am preparing for Barrett Jackson - which is completely overwhelming,  I wish someone would turn the heat off, my car is leaking oil so badly that I am surprised it is still running, Gavin better be behaving at the mall, I need to get my carpets cleaned....When was the last time I went to a meeting? 


Monday, December 22, 2014

Stolen wallet - Stole Innocence

I took my Was-Been to get a knee surgery last week, and while I was waiting for him to get out I some how managed to set down his wallet and it was stolen... :( I felt horrible - granted worse things could have happened - like the surgery not going well - but still...ugh.

Here's why I'm blogging about it. I was affected - it took away some of my innocence and trust. If you know me in 'real' life than you know I'm WAY too trusting- almost to a irresponsible point - so maybe becoming a bit more aware that not everyone is to be trusted isn't such a bad thing.

Here's my plan I'm going to look at what I can do to make myself, my things and my life more secure. But what I refuse to do is let this make me think that everyone is a piece. I will continue to believe that all people are good - and hopefully always be a bit surprised and taken back when they are not.

And helping the boys on what to get Dad just became a whole lot easier.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Sharing from my journal...

This is a post I shared in my first year of blogging....sometimes old posts are the best posts!

I am going to blog throughout the day about sobriety....If you have any questions or comments please leave them. If you want to e-mail me directly do so at Please trust me when I say you are never bothering me! Helping other people get and stay sober keeps me sober. It is my honor to help anyone that asks, if I can.

Here is an entry from my journal...

3 1/2 months sober
I am having a hard time with something and I have no idea what it is, my heart feels heavy. What is my problem ('re 3 months sober, now I know that was the problem) I know I should be grateful, and I am...that is all I can do. (yup, stay in gratitude:)
 I have no idea who I am, I feel at a loss for words. I feel boring and that I have no personality. I want to help people. I want to be funny, maybe I'm just not meant to be funny. I want to be the person that God wants me to be, but who the heck that is I have no clue!

I am so grateful I journaled my first year! There is one entry that says "I hope one day I can look back at this and have it be a faded memory." It so is now. I hope by me sharing my journal with you it makes you feel a little less alone. It gets better...I PROMISE! Emily

I am off to a meeting with my friend Stacy.

K, I'm back. Went to a meeting, got a hair-cut then took a nap. Sundays are great!

Here's a little more from my journal.....

7 months sober
I am finally learning how to turn my thoughts over. But I still walk around with an uncomfortable feeling, it is wearing on me. God please guide me and show me how to heal.

11 months sober
O' my God, life is amazing. Thank you God. I have never ever been happier.

Has every second of sobriety since then been I have suffered a depression in sobriety, been poor, almost homeless and cried a ton. What sobriety has given me is the tools to deal with anything that comes my way sober and with grace. Here is some wise advice my sponsor gave me "Don't drink, not even if your ass falls off."

Wednesday, December 10, 2014


I work through my stuff differently than some people. Instead of continually looking at the root of an issue,  I look at where that root is affecting me in life today. I already know where the root of most of my stuff comes from and to think that I can pull out an entire tree that has completely formed who I am is ridiculous. I have also found that sometimes it's not a deep issue at all and that the correction is as simple as pulling off a dead leaf. The more I do this the more my self-esteem grows.

I am seeing that the  stuff we go through as children greatly affects out self esteem. As adults we have a chance to work on that. We get self esteem by doing esteem able stuff.

I am really working on self-esteem these days - I'm also working on staying in the moment and like 100% other things...but self-esteem is for sure on the top of my list.

Monday, December 1, 2014

No More Babies

Today I went to get my tubes tied.  There was a mix up with my insurance and it didn't happen. After eight hours of not eating or drinking and mentally preparing myself for surgery finding out it wasn't going to happen (at least not today) brought up all sorts of emotions.

I have not always been responsible when it come to birth control, and me getting my tubes tied was my way of being responsible for my own body. So on one note not having it happen today was very disappointing.

With that being said, in the car on the way there I started to freak out...what if I meet someone and they want kids. The happiest time of my life was when the boys were little. I absolutely loved raising them. So today when I asked myself if I was positive that I didn't want anymore kids I couldn't answer with 100%  certainty that I didn't. Then the surgery didn't end up happening....Odd or God?

I am pretty damn sure I don't want any more kids. Really, I am! But I'll be honest today I spooked a little bit. I need to look at that a bit more. My surgery is rescheduled for the 23rd. Lets see if it's in Gods plan for me then.

Here's a questions for you ... Does the maternal part of us always have a bit of longing for another baby? Does that ever completely go away?

Sunday, November 23, 2014

7 years ago...

I always feel like I need to say something brilliant and profound on my sobriety date. I don't really have much - but here is an attempt

7 years ago I had no job, no friends and no self esteem. I was broken to the core. I can proudly say that is not the case anymore. This morning when I got my chip I was surrounded by people that love me...friends! Tomorrow I will go to a job that I absolutely love...job! I know my worth and can set healthy boundaries...self-esteem!

Thank you for all of your love and support. Words can not explain how important you guys have been to my sobriety!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I was that Girl

This weekend at one of my events we had a little hiccup. The night was going wonderfully, everyone is calm and happy and then.......

A very intoxicated woman takes a tumble down our stairs (luckily we were not the ones who over served her) Here she is on the stairs, crying and confused and completely lost. I held her and rocked her back and forth as she cried in my arms - so sad :( Once 911 arrived  Firemen do what they normally do with intoxicated people....5 firemen in your face asking you questions does not help matters - I know this because as the title of this post says, I was that girl. It took me back to a place I never want to go again.

As I come up on 7 years of sobriety I find myself forgetting what it was life. I NEVER want to underestimated the horrible shape I was in before I got sober - Losing my mind, in and out of institutions, driving drunk, wanting to die...It was horrible and going back there is not a choice for me.

This weekend I had a glimpse at the life I've left behind....probably just what I needed.  

Friday, November 14, 2014

Through my Childs Eyes

Gavin --------------
Ms. Lucky
English I Period 4
28 October 2014
Road to Recovery
When I was growing my Mom was a major drinker. She got her second DUI  when I was  only 6. She spent a couple weeks in jail. When I was 7 she decided to stop drinking because if she got another DUI she would spend years in prison and never be able to drive again. This led her to take a road to recovery.

My Mom like most alcoholics had an incrediblely  hard time giving up what helped  her keep herself together. Her sponsor Nancy helped her get through this hard part of her life. Nancy is an older woman who has been in recover upwards of 40 years. Until my Mom could reestablished herself and gets her license back she would go to 1 or 2 AA meeting a day.  Going to this many meeting really help her thrive in life. 

She started a website called to help other alcoholic’s mom get through their struggles. She would blog daily and her website progressively got more and more popular. She was put in an article for People Magazine about her story. She was also on a episode of Dr. Phil talking to help other alcoholic women. She later starred in a documentary about other alcoholic mom called Lipstick and Liquor.

Until my Mom got her car back times were very hard when I was living with her. We were very poor and could hardly afford food. As soon as my mom got back on her feet she started to work for Bill Johnson’s Big Apple where she found herself loving her job as there Event Coordinator. She loved her job because they feed minor league for baseball teams during spring training. For me,  being a giant baseball fan, this was a dream.  I go to hang out in the Cub’s Club house and talk to baseball player it was amazing.

After 2 years of working for Bill Johnson’s Big Apple she realized that the restaurant was going to have to close soon. So she bravely quit and started her own business called ETC. by Emily. It an employment/concierge company. My mom said that “She will make 100,000 dollars per year within the first 5 years of start of her business”. She is still trying to get  but with her skill I believe that she will be able to do it.

When I was younger I didn’t truly understand everything my Mom has gone through. Now that I do I have very much respect for how and how hard she has work to become the person that she is today. I’m proud that she has overcame every obstacle that has gotten in her way whether it be drinking, smoking or finding a job. I’m just proud to say she’s my Mom! 

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Depression Sucks

JLately have been suffering from a little bit of depression. NOTHING like the depressions that I have had in the past - thank God! It is mild and I'm not even sure I would notice except that these days I am decently in tune with myself physically and emotionally.

My life is great right now - amazing actually! The dreams and goals that I have set for myself are all being accomplished. I am happy and grateful. No reason to be depressed....right!? 

Well, I wish someone would tell my depression that! How do I even know that I'm depressed? I'm a little more tired than normal, a bit more distracted. Depression tired is not like normal tired...if you suffer from depression you probably know what I mean. 

I am watching it carefully. Sometimes depression happens when I am processing something - consciously or subconsciously. Like the grief cycle it does what it needs to do in order to heal and then the depression lifts. Then there's the other kind of depression, the one that takes a med change to pull out of.

That's the tricky part  - is my current depression situational and will it pass on it's own? Or is it clinical and time to readjust my anti-depression? (yes, I take one. I tried a year without it and spent almost the entire year on the couch) 

For now Easy Does It.....Yoga, meetings, naps, prayer and meditation. 

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Settling - ever single persons fear.

 I was talking to my mom the other day and we were discussing finding a partner. I'm coming to see that as you get older there's a decent amount of compromising that needs to occur. Instead of shooting for that 'Oh my God, take your breath away, I can't believe I found him, lusty love that last like five start looking for a companion..someone who has the same morals and goals as you - someone who would make a good partner. This transition is hard for me to swallow. But as I sit here 10 years after my divorce still single I am seeing that what I truly want is a companion - someone to grow with. 

With that being said I'd rather be alone than be with someone just because they are a "good choice"  I'm up for compromising and realizing that people aren't perfect - but out and out settling is out of the question.

I'm a little bit cranky today - sorry for the relationship rant. 

A Ray of Light

Christie is part of my much loved yoga family. She is a true ray of light. May her story of recovery bring hope and love to your heart. Thank you, Christie for sharing your story. I love you. 

As a suicide attempt survivor, and also having lost my own Father to suicide, this topic is very near and dear to my heart. I'm 35 years old and so very lucky to be sitting here writing this. I have had 3 very serious suicide attempts over the past few years, each time landing me in the ICU fighting for my precious life. Each time I tried to kill myself, I failed. Was there something more this world needed me around to finish?
Almost two years ago, I was on death's doorstep. I got extremely depressed and took 14 full bottles of prescription pills and anything else l could find that would put me out of my misery. I felt like I was all alone, floating on a rickety raft sinking in the far-out ocean. That is just how horrible and real my sadness felt to me. I had plenty of loved ones around and close, none of that mattered....I simply wanted the pain to stop.

As soon as I downed the last bottle I realized that I was going to die. I reached out to my twin sister, and her and my brother-in-law, Matt, rushed over, scooped me up and took me to the emergency room.

When I was admitted to the ER, I was still somewhat coherent and they immediately had me drink lots of activated charcoal; cups and cups full. I was then starting to become so out of it that I was having the charcoal pour all down my mouth and chin. Then, that's about the time things got really bad. I had to have tubes placed down my throat to pump my stomach and tubes up my nose-- I honestly don't even know what all was done to me, and maybe that is for the best.

I was then quickly rushed to the ICU (intensive car unit) on what I guess was the cardiac side. My heart was giving up and stopping; everything in my body was quickly shutting down as my body laid there preparing to die. I went into a deep coma and all I know is that they were constantly working on me, for days and days, to get me stable.

In the time I was in the ICU, I had the best doctors, nurses and room sitters (people employed through the hospital who watch you every second). I am not sure what day I woke up from the coma. But, I couldn't eat because the tubes hurt my throat and tummy so much. I couldn't walk; everything hurt. My eyes were so dilated they were solid black and I could hardly see anything. Physical therapists had to help me walk again. My friends and family all flooded my room with love and support to bring me back to life. This was right before Christmas 2012 and my room was literally blanketed in pure Christmas joy; trees, holiday flowers, nutcrackers, etc, as I was fighting hard to survive what I had done to myself. Just to recall those long days in an area of the hospital where most people don't walk out alive from, is seriously chilling.

Fast forward to Christmas Day 2012, my most favorite day of the year! A room sitter colored my nose tube tape red so I looked like Rudolph; that was amazing. The doctor came in and we went over what my daily life would be like from there. Her words as I recall were, " Merry Christmas. I want you to know that you are very lucky and blessed, as most people admitted here in the ICU with cardiac arrest, do not walk out of this hospital alive. " I think about that every single day of my life.

I'm sorry to have put my loved ones through this.

Jenny, my twin sister, had taken these photos, and I'm so thankful for the reminder of the worst times in my life and just how far I have come. One of my favorite yoga instructors once said, "The biggest the challenge or obstacle, the bigger the transformation." Well, boy do I have one strong comeback!

I have always loved the holidays. Christmas has a new meaning for me; I'm alive. I can help people with what I have learned in my recovery.
One huge help in my recovery was to start DBT therapy. This is nothing crazy, it's just another way to retrain your brain to think and react to things without being impulsive. I highly suggest this to anyone struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts. Also, I found a love of yoga and meditation. I now start every day with a yoga class! I have started eating better and truly nourishing my body with food, instead of turning to my compulsive binge over-eating to cope with the myriad disappointments and stress in life. I also transformed my once very negative thinking to using the power of the law of attraction; like thoughts attract like thoughts. Between dbt therapy, yoga & meditation, eating healthier and using the law of attraction, I have 100% turned my life around.

I'm literally the luckiest woman to ever grace this lovely planet.

What a beautiful difference a little time makes!

Happy Holidays! 

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Easy Does It........

I am forcing myself to relax and sit on the couch until my event at 5:00. I am answering phone calls and emails...but I am doing so from the couch. This is hard for me to do - I almost feel guilty about it which is ridiculous because I am exhausted and I know it is what I need.

It is event season in my world. I eat, breath and sleep events from October until June. I dream about them when I sleep, and normally wake up fearing that I have forgot one (praying before I go to bed will probably help that one) and when I am not at one I am doing the planning, staffing, etc. for the next one. I love what I do.....but I can only do what I do if I stay healthy....

So couch time it is!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Asking for what I want/need....

In my life I am trying to communicate my wants and needs clearly.  It isn't anyone else's responsibility to take care of my needs or wants but it is certainly my responsibility to communicate them clearly - as I have found that if I don't I end up unfairly pissed at someone and they have no reason why. That leads to resentments and we all know that resentments are disastrous for alcoholics.

So here's the deal and this may sound spoiled and bratty - but this is my blog and I will be a brat if I want...when I ask someone (especially someone I am in a romantic relationship with or thinking of being in a romantic relationship with) for what I want or need (and it is within reason) for the first time in my life I expect them to do it...WHY? Because I would do it for them...and  I am  worth at least what I am willing to give. Simple as that. 

I have had habit of putting myself on sale (for lack of a better term) I would fit into their life instead of someone fitting into mine, I have readjusted schedules and comprised what I needed and wanted. Part of the reason is this...I don't really care. I don't really care if we hang out at your house instead of mine, I don't really care if we do what you want to do most of the time and I don't really mind adjusting my schedule. I haven't cared until I care. 

If you are lucky enough (my self-esteem returning) to be the person I am vulnerable enough that I share my wants and needs - think about doing it - I am worth it - and I would do it for you!  

Monday, November 3, 2014


I'm on my way to what I call a triage meeting. It's like AA ER. I allowed myself to get irritable, restless and discontent. When I go to meetings on a regular basis this rarely if ever happens. When I go to one meeting a week and one thing goes wrong in my life it sends me into a tail spin.  

Meeting is starting..... 

Sunday, November 2, 2014


It's my least favorite emotion. The feeling of being angry actually scares me. I feel like if I opened up and let out how angry I truly am it would be a mess! I have always seen anger as a kind of self-pity. How could I possibly be super angry about the experiences I have gone through in my life and be grateful at the same time? 

So for just a moment I'm going to allow myself a moment of anger and self-pity… I have been through some things in my life that are pretty horrible and I've wanted to asked God..."Are you fucking kidding me? How did you ever expect for one girl to get through all of that?!....See it does sound like self-pity. 

I did get through it - but not without a shit load of bruising.

If anyone has any advice on releasing anger in a healthy way I would be glad to take it! 

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Breaking the Cycle

There were/are things I need to know that I could do in a relationship in order to move forward in any sort of healthy anything. The first was that I could end a serious relationship if I had to - and the other was that I could end a potential relationship the minute I figured out that there was a deal breaker.

For me getting "stuck" in a relationship I don't want to be in is one of my greatest fears. It has happened and I don't want it to happen again. My ability to trust that I have the strength and courage to remove myself from an unhealthy situation is critical, as I believe it will greatly impact my future relationships.

I will eventually have to learn to stay in a relationship even when boundaries have been crossed, or they are annoying the hell out of me, or whatever... but that's a later lesson - for now I am just practicing trusting myself.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Friends First

Today I did my 5th step on the 4th step I did a few post back. I found out something very important...I'm not half as screwed up as I thought I was. YEAH! (I do have some work ahead of me, but the good news is that without even knowing I have been making steps in the right direction)

I have dated one way most of my life. It looked something like this...boy meets girl, boy kisses girl on 2nd or 3rd date, boy and girl are now in a relationship...It's how it has always gone - some call it 'falling' which for me is complete's actually lust and the life span on it is about 3 months. I have done this A LOT of times, and I am over it.

I've been told numerous time that you learn to date my dating - so if someone I kinda like asks me out I'll go....but a friendship needs to be built first. Men aren't really loving that idea, but that's tough.

My heart is special and I'm not just handing it over to anyone.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

A Catch

In my life I have been told that I am a "catch" I've never really let that sink in as normally the person telling me is a man that I just met .... and really what I want to say is "How do you know?" But I don't, I just say thank you.

Last night was one of the first times that I felt maybe I was a catch, maybe I am special..defects and all.

I don't know how to explain what is special about me....I go to say that I'm laid back and to some extent that is true - but it's more than that. During my marriage I was so high strung - I bossed him around, worried about shit that totally didn't matter, and had to have control over every situation. I'm not that person anymore - thank God.

I have some work to do when it comes to my romantic relationships. But I think that work may be a little bit easier now that I see as far as chicks go I'm a pretty cool one - if I do say so

Friday, October 17, 2014

No Filters

I am finding myself very conscious of what I blog these days. I don't want any old boys to get their feelings hurt - and  I don't want any new ones to see that I have issues with boys. Nor do I want to be ask what the hell cool sculpting is?

But then remember that I made a choice to live my life out loud. I made the decision to share my pain, happiness and growth whatever it maybe. Waiting till my life and blog are all perfect and healthy isn't an option. That's not real life.

I have a date tonight - which is probably the worst idea ever. But maybe it isn't. Maybe it's a chance for me to learn to date without mentally taking it halfway down the aisle.

Anyway I'll tell you all about my date tomorrow.  Regardless of how the company is we're going for desserts so no matter what it can't suck that badly. 

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Pain = Growth

They say that pain equals growth. I hope that this is true. I am in a decent amount of emotional pain right now. It seems that a can of whoop ass was open on Friday and I can't seem to get the lid back on.

Sunday I took a deep breath and asked the advice of another alcoholic....that is of course after signing up for to try and fill the void - seriously!? Cause trying to fix the issue with more of the exact same issue always works great!

Anyway back to the advice of the other alcoholic...she asked if I had ever done a mini 4th step on relationships (4th step is taking a inventory) I said "no" and asked her if I had to go all the way back to my Dad (who is probably the root of these issues)  she loving said "no." Thank God! She suggested that I inventory all of my relationships since my divorce. I started the work this morning and right away saw a pattern that was upsetting. That's the thing about having a bit of time in can see your own shit. I only got a little bit of it done today - as I found it very uncomfortable work! Baby steps.

Here's the deal with doing painful work - it is alway, always worth it. God has shown me this time and time again. I trust the process of the steps. So I will do my work. I will face and look at things that may make me uncomfortable or upset, because God is trying to clear the way for something great - I have full faith in that.

This too shall pass.

Pearl MedSpa and Cool Sculpting

Over the last 5 years something has happened to my body that I am totally not loving. I would like to blame it on the fact I have had kids - but I can't - as I had a perfectly flat stomach up until I was 35. But at 35 something happened - like my metabolism came to a screeching halt. Cellulite, fat and weight that I had never dealt with before showed up. Uggg.....

Fat, lets talk about it...I mean lets REALLY talk about it. Normally when my "fat" is bothering me it is because I am packing on some extra weight. Extra weight = fat...Right?! But what about when you don't have any extra weight? What about when you've worked your ass of (in my case literally..squats needed!) When you've eaten as healthy as you possible can, and you still have fat - what then?? Do you just except that it is what it is and move on.....UMM-NO....not if you are me. I'm not looking to be perfect. But what I am looking for is to put on whatever t-shirt or tank top I want and not have a muffin top or side handles...plain and simple- that's what I want.

I do not have the money or time for liposuction - it isn't a option. But I did hear about this procedure called "cool sculpting" - a machine that literally freezers your fat, allowing your body to release it naturally over time. Seriously! Sounds like a magic machine to me!

I have been given the opportunity to have this procedure done by Pearl MedSpa and to write an open and honest review on the experience. The girls at Pearl MedSpa have been amazing, knowledgeable and kind. When I shared about my alcoholism the love I received was untouchable. I feel at ease every time I walk in there - which is good because I'll be walking in there quite a bit in the next few weeks! 

I am excited to share this journey with you! I can't wait to tell you all about the "magic machine" Picture coming soon! 

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Bring yesterday into Today

I had a terrible day at work yesterday. Most of it was of my own doing, which always sucks. Even though I have looked at what can be corrected, it's still screwing with my serenity. A few minutes ago I looked at when the last time I went to a meeting was - Um last Sunday, really?! I'm sure there are  people in the world that can go to a meeting every now and then - I am not one of them. It annoys me when it's an afterthought. I've always had a rough time with the fact that when I'm at my busiest, when I have the most on my plate is when I need a meeting the most. Here I am with a  million things going on and I have this stupid disease that makes me stop everything I'm doing - and go to a meeting. The very thing I don't feel like doing is the absolute thing that I must. It sucks sometimes. Really I want to just lay in bed all day and watch Netflix, but the fact is that will not help my crazy thinking. Off to a meeting! 

Friday, October 10, 2014

Moving Right along..,,

Lunch went great yesterday. Thank you to those of you who prayed for me. It's tough talking business in an anxiety ridden state - but I did it and it went perfectly. I got one of my clients a very large opportunity that they wouldn't of had otherwise...  I asked for a courage commission...FUNNY!!! Lol

When the relationship (or whatever you want to call it) with {{we need a funny name for him}}  ended I went to my sponsor to talk about it and she said words that I probably will never forget, she said "you still have a sweet heart, protect it." I understand what she was saying. Each time I let my heart get hurt it hardens just a little bit. One of the special things about me is that I still have the ability to love at a huge level. I still have my heart to give, it isn't complety broken (some cracks maybe but I have faith that those can be filled with love) For now my heart is safely in Gods hands. I trust him to protect it and know that when the time is right my prince will come (yes, I very much have a 12 little girl inside me) 

Off to work! Xo 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Sick Excitment

Tomorrow I am having a business lunch with an x-boyfriend. If you know me than you know that my x's are some of my best friends - this one is not. Not really because he's a jerk or because he did anything wrong, but because our friendship only ends up in one place - and it isn't at the dinner table...sometime on the table but not at the table - if you know what I mean. (Sorry Mom!)

I am having some serious anxiety over this. It resembles the feeling of sick excitement that I use to love during my drinking days. I'm not liking it at all. The truth is I'm really excited to see him ....okay the real truth is I'm really excited for him to see me. I have worked really hard on looking my best  over the last month and I feel very good about myself. There is a very big part of me that wants him to be sorry. Even though he wasn't a complete jerk, I did allow him to be treat me in a totally unacceptable way. I'll cut myself a break on that one, as he was my first boyfriend in sobriety.

That's really all I have to say. I felt that writing about it may help.

Please wish me peace and serenity tomorrow - as I will need it!

Monday, October 6, 2014


Today I had a moment that took my breath away - I love and care about the women I work with in sobriety to an almost indescribable level. I am protective of them - sometimes overly so. I have this maternal instinct to take care of them. With that being said I am also extremely hard on them. The work I ask them to do is often extremely painful. But they do it, most of the time with very little griping. 

They are courageous and I love them.

 If you are trying to get sober and you don't have a sponsor I strongly suggest you get one. It is one of the most wonderful relationships you will ever have in your life. 

Saturday, October 4, 2014


A friend wrote a blog post the other day about options and how they aren't alway that great of a thing. I try so hard to stay opened and flexible in most areas of my life. I want everything to be by Gods design and in order for that to happen I have to leave the outcome of situations up to The Lord. With that being said I think I may have been too loose at times looking at everything as an option, when the fact is that it isn't. 

Dating a man who doesn't believe in God- not an option. Lying or cheating to further my career- not an option. Putting anything in front of my children-not an option. Moving to Antarctica- not option. I think you get my point. 

As obvious as it sounds that those things wouldn't be an option I still tend to find myself negotiating with things that really should have a hard line.

Just the mindset of something not being an option has truly truly changed my life over last few days.

Getting a new perspective on things is always an option!

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Helping Others

I have been a little bit torn about which direction to go in my life lately, I have so many amazing opportunities in front of me. I have prayed numerous times over the last few months to help me with my path. 

Something happened today that reminded me of why I started this blog. When I got sober I was more lonely than I could ever described. My insides felt like shattered glass. I started this blog and I went public so nobody else would ever have to feel that lonely.

I had the opportunity to tell somebody my story this afternoon. She shared her experience of seeing the Dr. Phil show I was on and shared with me how it had affected her. 

I sometimes forget that my true job in life is to help other people. If I was asked what my one purpose on earth was, the answer would be - to be of service. I sometimes forget that but today I got a beautiful reminder.

Thursday, September 25, 2014


I'm am a Mother, daughter, business owner, employee, blogger, public speaker, yogi and a women in recovery...... BALANCE - without it I am a mess. Shit, who am I kidding even when I have it I'm sometimes a mess. 

When I first got sober I had two things to balance - being a Mom and staying sober. That was all I had in me. I had nothing more to give. I was really sick. At the end of the day when I layed my head down sober I had accomplished all I needed to. 

It's still the same really - if I stay sober it's a win. But sobriety has given me this big huge full life that I am so, so grateful for that.  I think the gratitude is the reason that sometimes I feel like I need to do it all perfectly. Perfectionism...ugh! 

Lately I've had to go back to the basics and remind myself to love and embrace the beautiful blessing of my sobriety and to stay in the moment. 

As busy and crazy as it can be, my life is truly blessed.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Setting a Goal

I have a friend who just started blogging, and does it daily. It's a nice treat to know that when I click on his blog there will be fresh content for me to read. That use to be the case on here. In fact you could click on here numerous times per day and find something new. Then life happened....which I am so not complaining about, but I made a commitment when I started this blog that it would always be here - that it wouldn't be the kind of blog you feel in love with and then disappeared. I promised myself that I would blog in sickness and in health, that I would share my heart with you, and I hoped in return you would share your heart with me and the other readers....and for a very long time that is exactly what happened. It was amazing.

I am sorry if you are on of those readers who looked forward to content,  and then clicked on here only to find less and less of it over the years.

I am good at sticking to the goals I set. So I am setting a goal to blog more often. (((hug)))  

Monday, September 22, 2014

Annette visits Arizona

If you've read for any amount of time then chances are you know who Annette is...if not, she is the first friend I made on emilyism. She saw my article in People magazine and then emailed me. It's been insta friendship since. She has been the emilyism editor and quite often the comment moderator. There was a time when people had to be reminded that this blog is here to be a safe place for people to share their hope, fear, happiness and struggles - the only way to do that is to keep it kind and loving in the comment section. There's enough blogs out there where people can be assholes - this is not one of them.

I don't know if Annette knows this but there was a time in recovery where she absolutely saved my ass. After the Dr. Phil show came out I was so overwhelmed that I could hardly function. On top being totally overwhelmed from the show I was also going through a horrible break up and I had decided to quit smoking - because God forbid I do anything in moderation. She sent me a meeting reminder e-mail every morning through that time. Some times they were serious, sometimes they were very funny, but they came like clock work every morning. They were a life line and the thing I used to tell myself that I was okay.  Here she was thinking I was saving her ass, when truly she was saving mine (God is so smart) I am truly blessed to have her in my life.

We had a wonderful visit this weekend. Were's a picture to prove it.....

Thursday, September 18, 2014

No Time

I just recently rejoined Weight Watchers and went back to yoga. I am in my first year of starting a  business. I took on a part-time job that is quickly turning into a full-time one. I am raising two teenage sons - all while trying to work a recovery program strong enough to keep me sane and sober. It's a lot.

Don't get me wrong - I am not complaining. I have an amazing life. The only reason I am bringing it up is an x-boyfriend said I was incapable of being in a emotionally healthy relationship. He was wrong - I am capable - I am just too fucking busy catching up on the 10 years of life I missed while I was shit faced.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Sunday Sober Fact:

The thing is you don't want to tell your sponsor are the things you need to tell your sponsor.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Baby Steps

As my last few post talked about, I've been in a bit of a change/depression/funk whatever you want to call it. The answer to these spells is always the same....

Baby steps. 

If I go into panic mode and scurry about trying to change everything at once I end up crashing and burning. But if I take a deep breath, put my faith in God, and put one foot in front of the other I do okay. 

More meetings, healthy eating, back to yoga........and in time the funk lifts - it always does. 

I would be wise to remember that when I get off course it is always the same result...ugh. 

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Getting off the freeway sooner...

I heard the term "getting off the freeway sooner" from a friend. I liked it. 

In life we may choose the wrong road numerous times, but as we grow we learn to see that we are headed in the wrong direction. That the road we are on takes us to places we do not want to go. So we start getting off an exit sooner. We recognize sooner and sooner that we are once again on the wrong road.  

We may still get on the wrong freeway but as time goes on and lessons are learned we find ourselves gettin off on the very next exit. 

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Just Do your Best

I have been having a very difficult time lately. A lot of change and growth- neither of which are comfortable. 

Today I found myself sucked into self-pity. It was actually paralyzing. My mind has a sneaky way of convincing me that I have a right to feel sorry for myself. But the deal with self-pity is it's toxic - and completely blocks you from the sunlight of the spirit. 

So I called out. I called out to God, Jesus, all of the saints, and the angels too.... and what came to me was - Just do your best. Sometimes it's as simple as that. 

A deep breath and a reminder that doing your best is always good enough.

Friday, August 22, 2014

AGING ALPHA: Vulnerability

AGING ALPHA: Vulnerability: My 17 year old daughter declared I need to be more vulnerable.  Perplexed, I asked what she meant.  After all, the past decade+ has been spe...

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

No Second Chances

I truly want this to be the most impactful blog post I ever write. I have gone to more funerals in sobriety that I have in my entire life. It is heart breaking to see what the disease does - this disease that millions have but nobody wants to talk about. Well,  I'm going to talk about it - and I'm going to keep on talking about it - because if I don't it will win.

The ripple affect - an alcoholic only sees what it does to them and most of the time not even that - but it doesn't just affect them, it hurts the entire family.  Below is a picture of a very good friend of mine holding the hand of her 56 year old mother as she dies from alcoholism. No child deserves that.

We think we have forever to get sober - we think that it'll never happen to us - I mean really? I'm not a daily drinker - you don't have to be to get cirrhosis.  Alcoholism is fatal - and that's not me being dramatic.

This Mom gave birth to 4 amazing children, and left then with the last vision of her in full liver failure, yellow and clinging to life.  I share their story in the hopes that it saves other children from going through the pain they did.

There are no second chances, there isn't a rewind button when you are on your death bed ... only regret.

If you're reading this you still have time. You are so lucky and so blessed. If you're wondering if it's time to get sober - it is.

RIP  Kathy ... may you now be the angel your children deserve <3 nbsp="" p="">

Saturday, August 16, 2014

My One

I want the though of you to excite me - to feel your presents in my soul. 

I want to know that you think I am the sexiest thing out there. When I see that 'look' in your eyes I so know where we're headed when we get home. But then there's this other look - the one that tells me I am adored and protected and so, so loved - the one that makes me feel safe. That one makes me give YOU the 'look' 

You safely bring my mind to places it's never been. I can tell you anything - knowing that even though you may give me a new way to look at it - you are always, always on my side. 

You are my safe spot, and I am yours. 

People look at what we have - and shoot for it.   

Monday, August 11, 2014

One More

One more amazing and incredible person dies of this disease - honestly I don't ever want to fucking talk about it.


RIP Robin Williams