emilyism.com

The 1st Step is the Most Important

2012-01-29T05:58:00.000-08:00

I was praying this morning and I did something for the 1st time......I asked my HP to bless ME. I realized that I have been asking Him to love, heal, bless and touch everyone else in my life except me. Which leads me to my topic today.

We are not bad people trying to get good.......we are sick people trying to get well. That was profound for me when I heard it in rehab. I always considered myself a bad person and I sooooo wanted to be a good person, but my obsession with drinking/alcoholism wouldn't allow me to be a good person. This is simply not true. I consider myself a child of my HP and His love is infinite - whether I am good or bad.

That's why I have to "change".....and by this I mean my behaviors and actions.....Admittance (1st Step) + Action = Changes. And this works for me everyday. I have admitted wholeheartedly that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life has become unmanageable. I have done the admittance portion and continue to do so everyday. My life is more manageable today because I ask my HP to bless the words that come out of my mouth, put love in my heart and keep me sober TODAY. I ask these things everyday.....but I never before today asked Him to bless ME. I see that as progress for me. I was born with a different chemical and physiological makeup that makes me an alcoholic. But just because I was born with this doesn't mean I have to live "in it". I can change my actions and behaviors to get better/well. You absolutly do not have to stay in this disease.....but you do have to make some changes in your life to live a sober life.

I just wanted to share this hope with everyone this morning, because it was a startling revelation to me and maybe someone else can identify with what I was feeling this morning as I prayed on my knees for acceptance and love and blessings.

Hope everyone is hanging in there and trying everyday to do "the next right thing".

Hugs to you all!

Annette
Guest posting for Emily

Neglect

2012-01-28T16:53:00.000-08:00

I feel that I have been neglecting our blog, I am sorry. I had a blog that I use to read daily and I remember being disappointed when the author didn't update. I'm sure there are people that read this blog that feel that way and again I am sorry.

I have been running crazy lately, it's been nuts. I love my job, but sometimes find myself wondering if I may have bitten off more than I could chew. Time management is becoming of up most importance. I am working with a newcomer (a person new to sobriety) and often feel that she is the one saving my ass instead of the other way around. Gods handy work for sure.

What have you all been up to? I miss you guys! Please update!!

Sent from my iPhone

My Babies Birthday

2012-01-27T08:55:00.000-08:00

Today is Gavin's 12th Birthday. 12-I can't even believe it. He's turning into such a little man-it is amazingly fun, yet bitter sweet to watch. I didn't cry like I did on Beau's Birthday this year, maybe it's because Gavie still let me bring cupcakes to school. My little baby is on his way to being a tween.

(pictures coming soon)

Recovery is a Decision, Not a Negotiation

2012-01-22T06:41:00.000-08:00

A counselor said, in a treatment meeting, “I’ll have to see what my patient is willing to do.” I replied, abruptly, “No. Recovery is a decision, not a negotiation. You don’t negotiate with this disease, you either recover from it or you don’t.”
This is important.
Each morning I think: “Good morning, John. You are an alcoholic. Pay attention.” The first and most fundamental fact about my life is that I am an alcoholic and the first priority is my sobriety. If my sobriety slips to number two in my life, I will probably lose it.
First, I choose to be sober TODAY, and then I find out, as the day goes on, what the price of that choice will be. I don’t negotiate a price in advance.
On good days, the price turns out to be low. It is sunny and pleasant, and everyone I meet seems to agree with me. Sobriety is easy. On bad days, it is 100 degrees and humid, and people seem to annoy me. Sobriety is harder and it’s price is higher. No matter what, I make the decision for sobriety first, without knowing today’s price.
If I try to negotiate sobriety, and set a limit on the price I will pay, I will lose my sobriety. If I say I will go to meetings only when it is convenient, or only if no one offends me, or only if I get to keep my favorite character defects, I will drink again.
On page 58 of the book, the following invitation is offered: “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it–then you are ready to take certain steps.”
That means, unless we are willing to go to any lengths, ready to stop negotiating our recovery, we are not ready to recover.
We avoid recovery by studying recovery instead of recovering. We cannot recover from a disease by studying it. We recover from a disease by treating it. I got a phone call from someone who wanted a scientific book on alcoholism for a friend. The friend had a drinking problem, and didn’t want “any of this spiritual stuff”, but preferred something scientific. I did as I was asked, and gave the name of a good book of science. I then said, “Giving this book will not help. We can no more recover from alcoholism by reading a scholarly book on alcoholism than we can recover from cancer by reading a scholarly book on cancer.”
Another version of negotiating with alcoholism is by negotiating for a lower level of activity than is necessary for recovery. Here we want what the program has, but are not willing to go to any lengths to get it. My first sponsor was blunt. He opened the book in front of me and said, “Here is the book. It’s in black & white. There are no grey areas. Read the black part. If you will read chapter 5 & 6, ‘How It Works’ and ‘Into Action’, and do what they say, you will never drink or use again.”
I have read it, and done it to the best of my ability every day so far, and I have confidence, not in myself, but in this program.
One more thing about this decision: It expires in exactly 24 hours. Every day, I need to make this decision over again. With the Grace of God and the fellowship of the program, I will keep making the right decision, without any negotiations.

John MacDougall, D.Min., is the director of Spiritual Guidance at Hazelden in Center City, MN. He welcomes your comments at jmacdougall@hazelden.org.

Published in the Voice, Fall 2011

My addiction counselor read this to me and gave me a copy and I found it to be incredibly profound and thought I would share it with everyone. Sorry it’s so long, but length, in my opinion, doesn’t matter much when the content could save a struggling alcoholic’s life.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend and I hope to write more soon :)

Annette
Guest Posting for Emily

I Drank

2012-01-20T07:39:00.000-08:00

I drank for happiness and became unhappy
I drank for joy and became miserable
I drank for sociability and became argumentative
I drank for sophistication and became obnoxious
I drank for friendship and I made enemies
I drank for strength and became weak
I drank for relaxation and got the shakes
I drank for courage and became afraid
I drank for confidence and became doubtful
I drank to feel heavenly and ended up in hell

How many of us can relate to this one??

2012-01-18T06:57:00.000-08:00

"A chronic overreaction to stress overloads the brain with powerful hormones that are intended only for short-term duty in emergency situations. Their cumulative effect damages and kills brain cells."

2012-01-17T12:52:00.001-08:00

Friday

2012-01-13T08:32:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had so much on your mind that your brain actually hurt. It's a squeezing feeling actually, and I'm not digging it. Going from 25 hours per week to 40 has been an adjustment, one I am happy to adjust to, but still an adjustment.

Yesterday was the first day I got stressed out, the first day I said "Hold on, there's to much on my plate." and the first night I went home and dreamed of work.

I was so tired on my way home that I could hardly keep my eyes open...all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed-did I? NO, I met a sponsee for coffee, and then went to a women's meeting. I spent years doing what 'I wanted to do' and it got me no where, now I do what I know I'm supposed to do, even when I don't feel like it. GROWTH

Bill Johnson's Big Apple

2012-01-10T12:14:00.000-08:00

So I don't talk much about where I work, or what I do. I don't know why really, my work is a huge part of my life, and becoming bigger each and every day...

I work for Bill Johnson's Big Apple. I am in catering, I manage the catering for the Chicago Cubs and the Milwaukee Brewers...I do a whole lot of others things, but for sure the baseball teams are my favorite part!

I want to tell you a little about Bill Johnson's Big Apple , because it is special. Bill Johnson and his amazing wife Gene started Big Apple in 1956. It was the most hip-happening place in the entire valley....they had cute waitresses, amazing food, and a radio show recording right in the restaurant (you can listen to the recordings on the website) They sell their famous BBQ sauce all over the country (watch, now that you're reading this you'll notice it in your local grocery store-buy it, it's yummy!) Restaurants don't normally made it, but this one has. There are 5 restaurants through out the valley. It is still ran by the family, whom I feel honored to work for.
I love, love, love my job!!

Crazy Week

2012-01-06T12:20:00.000-08:00

This week has been crazy!

Beau turned 17. Which was really emotional to me for some reason. I cried really hard that day. I called my Mom and asked her if she got emotional on our Birthdays and she said "NO, I'm just grateful you're still alive." What a horrible way for a Mom to have to feel. I quickly said I was sorry, and then counted my blessings. Beau is far from perfect, but he is an ANGEL compared to me at his age. My baby turning 17, it was a lot to stomach. It's like I have this longing for the little boy he was-It reminds me of the saying..."Having children is making the decision to have your heart walk around outside your body" It really is.

I also got a promotion. Go me-right!? I now have my DREAM JOB. I manage the catering for baseball teams (remember, I live in AZ. where springing training happens!) It is amazing! You know when people say if I planned my life I would have shorted myself compared to the life God has given me-it is so true in my case. 2 year ago I prayed for a job. I had no clue how that was going to happen, but I can say I trusted God 100% that it would happen....and it did, and I am grateful.

Besides that life is pretty quiet...no new boyfriends, nothing really exciting to report. I am working my program over time right now, because when people say that whatever you put before your sobriety you will lose, I believe them!

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T11:57:00.000-08:00

A New Year, a fresh start, a new outlook...what a great thing!

I was really sick yesterday, so I stayed home. I remember a time that would have killed me. I would have been miserable, and in my drinking days I would have gone out anyway...sick or not. But I had no desire. Staying home, and getting better was just fine with me. Because of that I feel great today. It is amazing to me that when we give our body the rest it needs how quickly it heals...amazing right!?

I often hear people setting 'intentions' for the New Year and I like that...so here are mine...

-To keep my home neat and organized
-To get my body to a healthy weight, and stay there
- To become financial comfortable, and independent
-To make sure the people I love know how very much I love them

What are yours?

2011-12-30T13:46:00.001-08:00

It's Never too Late

2011-12-27T15:12:00.003-08:00

Two Wolves

2011-12-27T11:01:00.000-08:00

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about the battle that goes on inside all people. He said, "My son, there is a battle between two 'wolves' which is always going on inside us all....

There is the black wolf who is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is the white wolf which is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

You are amazing, talented, beautiful and kind. Sobriety is not only something you can have, but something you deserve. Peace and serenity are your God given birth right. Feed that-not all the other bullshit. xo, em

I got nothing........

2011-12-26T12:22:00.000-08:00

I really don't. I have logged on here so many times over the past few days and tried to write. It's just not coming to me. Please don't feel like I don't want to share-I do. But the words just aren't there. I have no clue why. I have lots to say, and no clue how to say it.

I'm thinking it may just be that brain is a bit overwhelmed because of the holidays. Mine turned out great by the way, but I am glad that they are over.
I am changing these days at a pretty uncomfortable rate. That's how my God works with. We go from A to Z pretty quickly. I have found that change and growth usually happens to me right before something big occures in my life. I am excited to see what is in store. I am look forward to a New Year!

How was everyone's holiday?

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T18:02:00.001-08:00

The Hoilday Spirit

2011-12-23T04:33:00.000-08:00

I have it, I have it....:the holiday spirit!! I was scared I was just going to walk through Christmas with a humbug attitude. It made me sad, due to the fact that I once LOVED everything about the Christmas season. Then I thought about it, and decided to give myself a big fat break. I have had a tough few years and it is okay that I'm not as joyous as I once was. I may not be as joyous, but good God I am grateful. Each one of those hard year (at least the ones in sobriety) have gotten a little bit better. Not in the over night way that I expected, but slowly and surely my life life has gotten better each year.

I am so glad I hung on-so stinking glad!

Dear Lord,

2011-12-20T07:12:00.000-08:00

So far today I am doing alright. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have charged nothing on my credit card... But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think that I will really need your help.
Love,
Emily

Just don't Drink

2011-12-19T06:52:00.000-08:00

Holidays can be hard-really, really hard. Here is the only advice I have...Just don't drink-there is nothing that a drink won't make worse. We can do this!

We all have it, how do we deal with it?

2011-12-16T15:49:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone its Doggielover aka Chris, Guest posting for Emily, Hope your all well, I need your input!!!

Fear

We all have it, we all know it, and we know in some cases it is our diseases strongest ally.

I am living in the fear right now and I hate it, I can’t stop the fear in my mind trying to take over, trying to lead me to my old friend, alcohol. If led back down this road what will happen to me? What will I become? How will I make a life that I truly desire and know I am capable of having? I need to stop, I need to remember I am in control and I need to suck it up and say I need help!!!!

I NEED HELP!

I have so much gratitude for all I have right now. I have a place to live; I have people who love me. I do have faith, but maybe that is where I am lacking, am I not giving it over to my HP? I am the person who will do the legwork, but I am now living in the fear of not being able to reinvent myself in a new place again. I need to market myself because my work isn’t marketing me like they should. I am a new novelty to them and I know I have to take the reigns, but I also have to push hard against people that think it will just happen. Guess what, it doesn’t!!! I am on the computer researching, and I am picking my marketing friends brains. I will do the work, but I need to get out of this fear. I have a big meeting on Monday and I need to come across strong, positive and worth paying for. Maybe that is it, I am not feeling my own self worth. I know a lot of women in my program (AA) that feel that way.

I need help; I am sitting in my fear. What do you do when you sit in your fear and need to rise above it? When drinking is not an option?

Where is God in that?

2011-12-15T19:24:00.000-08:00

I just got back from my Thursday night Women's meeting. As always I heard exactly what I needed to...

Where is God in that?

Before I left for my meeting I was in a total text war with my was-been. It was gross. I acted like I did in my drinking days-mean...really, really, mean. It doesn't matter what he did, or what he said to upset me-not at all...what matters is that I still give him the power to upset me. I have done so much work, I have come so far...to resort to old drinking behavior is really, really upsetting. Had I stopped for even one second and asked myself "Where is God in this?" I could have saved myself from the shame, guilt, and remorse I am feeling right now for behaving like a meanie.

Dear Lord,

Please help me pause, and ask for you for guidance when I am angry, hurt or scared. I love you, Emily

2011-12-15T10:11:00.000-08:00

Gavin (the one in the CUBS hat) and his friend Devin went to

Jump Street this week. They are growing so fast. Just watching him gives me this longing in my heart. I was thinking the other day that the happiest I have ever been is when my children were young- I loved it. It's tuff to know that those day are almost over. I will embrace where he is right now and do my best to stay in the moment with it. But some days I sure do wish the stork would drop me off a baby!

2011-12-15T10:04:00.001-08:00

Funny

2011-12-14T07:52:00.000-08:00

I found this on Gavin's facebook page. Thought it is hilarious-I'm not sure what I think about it being on my 11 year olds wall.

2011-12-13T11:43:00.000-08:00

Lonley

2011-12-12T06:32:00.000-08:00

It is Friday night and I just got off work. And I am exhausted. I feel lonely and sad to my core. I know I should go to a meeting-but self-pity has taken over. I have come so far, but still I'm lonely. It's waring on me.

Where is he God? I know you find the one when your not looking. So fine, I will turn my head and not look-but if at all possible could you please hurry up? I love you.

Checking In

2011-12-09T15:09:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry I haven't updated in so long. I am off-line at home until Tuesday. I miss you guys. It has been so quiet around here. Could everyone take a minute and say a quick "Hello" to each other. I promise to write an extra long post the first chance I get. xoxoxoxox

Not Feeling It

2011-12-06T07:09:00.000-08:00

Christmas use to be my favorite time of year. The tree, stockings, the lights, the feeling of joy and magic in the air- I loved it. This year I'm just not feeling it. Our tree is up...but I no longer feel joy from looking at it like I once did. I don't know what's up with me. But it is sad to think that a holiday that once brought me so much joy now brings me little.

But maybe it's not all about me. I always tell my kids that the one thing that Jesus would want for his birthday was for us to be kind to each other. Mmmmm....okay I have an idea...from now until Christmas I will do one random act of kindness per day-maybe bringing joy to someone else will rub off on me-that's normally the way it works.

I would love you guys to share your great ideas on what I could go for acts of kindness!

Sobriety Sunday

2011-12-04T11:38:00.000-08:00

Happy Sunday Everyone! I have no clue what to blog about, but as it normally does as I type something will pop in my head....FAITH.

That is what popped in my head.Let's talk about faith. I think before we can have faith we need to start with hope-Faith is really just hope with a track record. When you go sober you HOPE things will get better-I mean you REALLY hope. If you have a support system you see that people around you are getting better, they are laughing, and are happy and most of them are feeling a whole shit load better than you are-so just the small act of looking around the room can give you hope. Then as time goes on you will eventually find yourself laughing and giggling and feeling comfortable in your own skin-which is something you just hoped for in the beginning.

I now know that everything works out just the way it's supposed to-I have faith today, and that faith started with a tiny speck of hope.

People Magazine

2011-12-03T12:45:00.000-08:00

A Request

2011-12-01T11:20:00.000-08:00

I have gotten a request to blog more often, and I am going to try to meet that request. In return I have a request to you, if you feel comfortable, I would like you to share the word about emilyism.com. At the bottom of every post is a number of options of how you could share...facebook, twitter, google +. I know we have many readers who want their identity kept private-and I totally understand that-but in order to keep our community growing we need to do some reach out. Also it would be great if you could share about us in chat rooms, or your on-line support group (if that's allowed)

Thank you.

To All the Single Ladies

2011-12-01T06:33:00.000-08:00

This to Shall Pass

2011-11-30T10:40:00.000-08:00

I am feeling a little bit better today, more content. One of the greatest gifts I have learned in sobriety is that everything, and I mean everything will pass in time. Makes it so much easier to sit through the uncomfortable moments when you have faith that they will pass.

If you at an uncomfortable place I promise it will pass. Pray, stay sober, and have faith in the process.

Open Wounds

2011-11-29T06:54:00.000-08:00

I did some step work this weekend-It opened up a truck load of emotions that I have been trying to avoid for years...by the way I celebrated 4 years of sobriety on the 23rd...GO ME! With that being said I also found myself at 4 years sober with a shit load of shit I hadn't yet dealt with. So I did I dealt with it. I told another alcoholic all of my secrets...I looked at my part...I made some solid promises and contracts with myself...I am allowing myself to hurt and then heal from the things I have stuffed my entire life.

I am emotional right now-step work always does that to me. But I know it's worth it (it is, I promise)

Naughty things you can say only on Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T20:03:00.000-08:00

Talk about a huge breast

Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist

You still have a little on your chin

How long will it take after you stick it in

You'll know it's ready when it pops up

A friend txt this to me and I just had to share...FUNNY!

2011-11-24T12:55:00.000-08:00

Because of you....

2011-11-22T09:04:00.000-08:00

Because of you I always try to put my best foot forward.

Because of you no matter how I am feeling, or what is going on in my life I know someone somewhere would do anything to trade places with me.

Because of you even when I want to lay down and give up-I don't, I stand up and give life another try

Because of you I know that no matter what life throws at me we are blessed with the the strength and ability to get through it.

Because of you I understand that class and grace cannot be bought, they are a gift.

Because of you I am the person I am today.

I am grateful for you.

I love you Mom.

I AM YOUR DISEASE

2011-11-18T07:42:00.000-08:00

You know who I am, you’ve called me your friend. Wishes of misery and heartache I send. I want only to see that you’re brought to your knees... I’m the devil inside you, I am your disease. I’ll invade all your thoughts, I’ll take hostage your soul. I’ll become your new master, in total control. I’ll maim your emotions, I’ll run the whole game. Till your entire existence is crippled with shame. When you call me I come, sometimes in disguise. Quite often I’ll take you by total surprise. But take you I will, and just as you’ve feared. I’ll want only to hurt you, with no mercy spared. If you have your own family, Ill see its destroyed. I’ll steal every pleasure in life you’ve enjoyed. I’ll not only hurt you, I’ll kill if I please. I’m your worst living nightmare, I am your disease. I bring self destruction, but still you can’t tell. I’ll sweep you through heaven, then drop you in hell. I’ll chase you forever, wherever you go. And then when I catch you, you won’t even know. I’ll sometimes lay silent, just waiting to strike. What’s yours becomes mine, cuz I take what I like. I’ll take all you own and I won’t care who sees. I’m your constant companion… I am your disease. If you have any honor, I’ll strip it away. You’ll lose all your hope and forget how to pray. I’ll leave you in darkness, while blindly you stare. I’ll reduce you to nothing, and won’t even care. So, don’t take for granted my powers sublime. I’ll bend and I’ll break you, time after time. I’ll crumble your world with the greatest of easeI’m that madman inside you…I am your disease. But today I’m real angry…you want to know why?I let all in recovery, entirely slip by. How did I lose you? Where did I go wrong? One minute I had you…then next you were gone. You just can’t dismiss all the good times we’ve shared. When you were alone…wasn’t it I who appeared? When you sold those possessions you knew you would need. Wasn’t I the first one who stepped in and agreed. Now look at you bastards, you’re all thinking clear. You escaped with your lives when you found your way here. Only fools think they’re winners when admitting defeat. It’s what you must say when you’re claiming that seat. Go ahead and surrender, if that’s what you choose. But, I’m not giving up. cuz I can’t stand to lose. So stand in your groups and support hand in hand. Better choices will save you…leaving me to be damned. Well, be damned all you people seeking treatment each week. Be damned inner strength, however unique. Be damned all your sayings, be damned your cliches. Be damned every addict, who back to me strays. For I know it will happen, I’ve seen it before. Those who love misery will crawl back for more. So take comfort in knowing, I’m waiting right here. But next time around, you’d just better beware. You think that you’re stronger or smarter this time. There isn’t a mountain or hill you can’t climb. Well if that’s what you’re thinkin, you ain’t learned a thing. I’ll still knock you silly if you step back in my ring. But you say you’ve surrendered, so what can I do?It’s so sad in a way, I had big plans for you. Creating your nightmare for me was a dream. I’m sure gonna miss you…we made quite a team. So please don’t forget me, I won’t forget youI’ll stand by your side watching all that you do. I’m ready and waiting, so call if you please. I won’t let you forget me…I am your disease

Slow Down

2011-11-18T07:06:00.000-08:00

This is my youngest -Gavin- He is in the 6th grade this year. He's starting to like girls, his friend are becoming the most important thing to him, and he is needing me less and less. Even though I understand that children are to be raised with the sole purpose of becoming independent young adults...it hurts. He is most likely my last baby. And I really like the little guy!

So I am going to embrace each moment-cherish them- as I know that they soon will become few and far between.

The Power of Prayer

2011-11-15T10:43:00.000-08:00

This weekend I worked for my friend Kathleen doing concession (which I hate) or at least I thought I did...keep on reading...

The first day I worked with her I sucked I make a ton of mistakes on the cash register, got the prices all wrong, and by the end of the day people were totally annoying me. I promised her I would help her through the weekend, and even though I wasn't looking forward to it my word these days is something I take very seriously.

So the next day I decided that it would probably be in my best interest to hit my knees and ask God for help, to get through the day without telling someone off at the very least. So I did....

Oh' the power of prayer...it's amazing! I had a great day. I only made like 1 screw up on the register, nailed the prices, and though people still annoyed me it was only a little bit. In the middle of the day I thought to myself "I don't hate concession at all I'm having a great time! Mmmmm...I wonder if it had anything thing to do with the fact I prayed this morning?" Then I swear I heard God say "NO DUH!." Hehehehe my God is so funny!

So I guess my point or lesson or whatever is God is up there willing and able to help us with anything and everything we need-all we have to do is ask.

2011-11-14T18:31:00.000-08:00

Do It Anyway

2011-11-10T07:38:00.000-08:00

"Don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine." -Taylor Swift

I heard the above quote on the CMA awards last night. I love it. For me it is a reminder that there will always be critics. No matter what your doing in live, no matter how many people you are helping, or how bright you shine, there will always be people who will try to fuck with it-don't let them. God has us here for a reason. We are here for a purpose, and it is our job to find out what that purpose is-and do it!

So I guess all I have to say today is-GO ON WITH YOUR BAD ASS SELF!

Personal

2011-11-05T07:32:00.000-07:00

Something happened this week that I found to personal to blog about, I also found it to personal to talk about in meetings. It was scary and dangerous. And though I am over the experience I have definitely learned a whole heap of things from it, including how important my support program is.

I also learned that when it comes down to it, I mean really, really down to it I trust 1 person completely. There are 2 more I trust and had the situation continued I would have gone to them. But 3 people-gosh, that doesn't see like a lot.

What do you think? How many people do you trust completely?

Put the cork back in the bottle

2011-11-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

and the fridge flies open, and the sheets fly up. If it's not one thing it's another. It seems like I'm always going from vice to vice. I am in search these days for some sort balance.

I face booked a good friend the other day that I needed some help looking at my sexual inventory. It went something like this...

I was wondering if we could do some work on my sexual inventory. I think this may possibly help stop me from sleeping with men I don't actually like. (Sorry Mom I know this is a hard way to find out that your daughter is no longer a virgin)

So between looking at my past relationships, and trying not to eat sugar for 2 weeks I am a very busy girl! How in the heck are all of you????

Happy Halloween

2011-11-01T00:05:00.001-07:00

My Gavin, who is now 11. I am embracing every moment with him. It's so different with the second child...I get that soon moments hanging with Mommy will far between. I'm going to be grateful for the moments I have left before my little boy turns into a teen.

Friday Fun Day

2011-10-28T10:04:00.000-07:00

I am super happy it is Friday. Normally I have to work at least one day of the weekend-but not this one-YEAH!

I am doing really well. I could step my program up a bit, but besides that everything is pretty good.

Typing that just made me think of something...It is amazingly stupid to me that I wait until I am an uncomfortable mess before stepping my program up. Instead of doing it while life is going along peacefully,I always wait until a shit storm. Not smart, not smart at all. Maybe I should put a noon meeting on my agenda today!

Happy

2011-10-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

I am happy these days. I can see progress in my life. I am getting that it is in God's time, not mine. The more I understand and comprehend that the easier life is. If I stay in the moment I am happy. If I step out of it and worry about the future I am not happy, simple as that.

Right now, right this second I have everything I need. I am at peace.

2011-10-25T15:38:00.000-07:00

No Matter What

2011-10-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

I get asked a lot how I do it-how I stay sober. Well besides one day at a time I do it no matter what. No matter how I feel, no matter how horrible life gets, no matter what I'm thinking, no matter what other people are doing....I just don't drink-no matter what.

I heard in early sobriety not to put conditions on your sobriety-I guess I took that to heart. There's always going to be an excuse to drink-but that's all they are is excuses.

So to answer every ones question...I stay sober one day at a time by not drinking NO MATTER WHAT!

2011-10-20T08:20:00.000-07:00

My Mother is in Town

2011-10-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

Which is always stressful. I love her very much, she's actually one of my best friends, but she does seem to bring out issues in me. Like the one I've had since childhood that I'm not good enough. I wonder why that is!? I know Moms don't mean to, but it seems that it happens a lot. If I had to name the number one issue that women email me about (besides alcohol) it is their Moms.

Issues or not I love my Mom. She is an amazing women. Soooo glad your here Madra!

I am sorry I've been so absent on here. I miss you guys! xoxoxoxox

Not Fitting In

2011-10-17T19:17:00.000-07:00

Something you may not know about me is that until recently I didn't feel like I fit in-I never felt like part of the group-like I belonged-it was horrible. I also felt less than, and left out.

I still do sometimes, but only for a second. Then I remind myself that I am so blessed to be comfortable in my own skin. I need people to stay sober, but I no longer need their approval to be okay. I am okay with being me. As eminem would say "I don't give a fuck what you think-I'm doing this for me."

All at Once

2011-10-13T11:33:00.001-07:00

Sometimes life throws you a whole lot of crap all at once-no fun, no
fun at all. You know how it goes...broke, not getting along with your
love ones, house a wreck, routine thrown to shit, then something
little happens...like you bump your head and you BLOW. When it happens
to me I normally throw a fit that would put any 3 year old to shame. I
have been known to scream and yell at God, even fired him once. It
sucks to feel like life is gaining up on you, but what I have learned
is there's always a reason. Most of the time for me it is because I
need to surrender. But still I like when my life just flows along
peacefully...and sometimes it does, but because it is life sometimes
it doesn't.

I guess my goal is to learn the lessons I am supposed to be learning
as quickly as possible. I believe that we relive our lessons in all
sorts of ways until we learn what God needs us to learn. So I'm all
for doing it quickly!

Sorry I'm all over the place...lots going on. xo, em
Sent from my iPhone

Gossip

2011-10-12T21:34:00.001-07:00

So come to find out people from my neighborhood read my blog-weird.
Anyway one of them went and told my was-been that I blogged about him.
I won't take back one thing I said in those post but I will say
this...really? You ran and told him? Why? Just to hurt his feelings?
Like he's not hurting enough right now? I have my own feelings about
the situation and unless you were married to him you wouldn't
understand. So really you should stay out of it. And so should I
actually...but this is my safe place where I can come and talk about
my feelings. Gossiping hurts people and I love my was-been enough that
it pisses me off that anything written on here was used to hurt him.
Makes me feel bad, that is not the intent of this blog. And please try
to remember as you go about your gossiping that there are children we
are trying to protect. Thanks.

Sent from my iPhone

A Topic

2011-10-12T14:03:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time writing these days. I was thinking that if you
all could give me some ideas and topics that may help.

So spill it. What would you like me to write about?

Sent from my iPhone

Twice

2011-10-07T18:35:00.001-07:00

Yes, there is two versions of the same story on here. I've been trying
to post for days and couldn't. So I ended up writing it twice. I think
it was good for me actually.

For an update: Beau is unwired, but still on soft foods only. And
Gavin is in North Carolina with his bestie Jake for fall break. I'm
glad he's there enjoying himself. Hopefully thing will have calmed
down a bit by the time he gets back.

As for me I'm okay, a little needy, but okay. I actually cuddle called
a friend the other night (like a booty call, cept just cuddling)
sometimes one just needs human contact.

Sent from my iPhone

Drama in my Life

2011-10-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

I have a lot going on right now. But when I really look at it very little of it is mine. It is me being involved in other lives or in some cases their drama.

Beau's mouth is still wired-Friday's the big day. He has what he wants to eat all planned out. It has been tough on him, but he truly has taken it like a champ. I am proud of him. Now if he can just stay on track I won't have to bust up the other side of his jaw:) It is my job to be involved in a bit of his life and drama...but this, not so much......

Here's what I'm talking about with others drama. My was-been's wife left him while he was out of town this weekend. She took pretty much everything...I will admit she is smarter than me in that aspect...I am kinder, and actually human...but whatever. It upset my kid which is actually the only reason I care. She left like a coward without even saying good-bye. I guess that's how you do it when the love of money comes before people. They both have that problem. But it their problem it is not mine. So out of it I will stay-or at least try to.

Other that that I am doing great. It is so amazing to see how far I have come. I have all of these skills to deal with things and all of this insight-it is amazing. I am so grateful to have a program that teaches me to be less of an ass:)

How are you all doing?

Drama in my Life

2011-10-03T22:01:00.000-07:00

It's been an emotional week for my family.

My x-husband's wife left him this weekend while he was out of town. She's been married 4 times if that tells you anything...she took her share, the share I didn't take, and a good amount of his. Part of me understands that it's actually just karma, he sort of deserved it. The other part feels angry as hell. She upset my kids. Leaving like such a huge coward, not even saying good-bye to them. I guess stuff and money came first - gross really.

It is bringing up some old stuff for me...she left him for a lot of the same reasons I did. I tried to point that out to him today - maybe too early. He may never own his part in it, and you know what - that's none of my business. My business is owning my part of my stuff - which this situation is not. He is the father of my children so I will try my hardest not to kick him while he is down (which trust me is tough)

Still, the whole deal sucks. Divorce no matter the situation is always painful.

Sent from my iPhone

2011-10-02T11:18:00.000-07:00

Family Night

2011-09-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

We had family night tonight at Cracker Jack's (our local 'fun' park) We rode
go-carts (I totally got lapped) rode on the bumper boats (the boys
trapped me under the water fall and got me soaking wet) and then
played put-put golf to end a perfect night. I'm going to bed feeling
very, very blessed!

"What if you woke today and all you had left was what you thanked God for yesterday?"

2011-09-27T20:20:00.000-07:00

Sent from my iPhone

Do I ever find myself wanting a drink?

2011-09-26T07:56:00.000-07:00

Someone asked this question, and it is a great one. The answer is yes, I do still think about it...for about 1 second. Instead of thoughts of drinking being obsessive, and uncontrollable, and something I can not stop myself from acting on, they are fleeing thoughts. I think about it quickly-most of the time when I am in emotional pain of some sort-the thought comes-I pray-and it leaves.

I remember in the beginning of sobriety having mentally cravings/obsession so badly that I actually sat on my hands on the couch praying for God to lift it. He did, but it took muck longer that it does now. Stick in there-It gets better I promise.

The desire to numb out is just part of alcoholism. Thoughts will come, but if your working a recovery program you will know how to deal with them. I'll tell you about my latest thoughts of numbing out...You know I've been going through lot of emotions with Beau so the first day we got home from the hospital I actually thought about drinking his liquid codeine-better yet {name withheld} accidentally left his pack of cigarettes on the counter. So of course in good alcoholic form my mind went straight to "God, numbing out on codeine and smoking cigarettes on the patio would make me feel better." Brilliant right-I quickly reminded myself that would be a relapse and narked myself out to another alcoholic. By the way when you share stuff that kind of thinking with someone it completely removes its power.

I hope that answers your question:)

Girls Night Out

2011-09-24T22:58:00.000-07:00

Tonight I felt like the luckiest women on earth...in spite of my kids broken jaw, in spite of being broke, in spite of everything I portray as bad...I felt so lucky to be me. It was amazing

There is this strong, talented women inside me. She is funny, and so comfortable in her own skin that it often surprises me I am that women. I totally loved being me tonight.

I went out with the girl to sing karaoke...I had never sung before, not even drunk....but I did tonight, I didn't give a crap what anyone thought about me, in my drinking days that's all I cared about...so being free of that was an amazing feeling...on top of that we rocked the shit out of "Baby got Back." :) It was a great night!!

In the Moment

2011-09-23T13:54:00.000-07:00

I was so out of the moment the other day that I actually hear God's voice tell me to do NOTHING. I was worried and obsessing so badly about Beau and what to do with his situation that when I prayed about it the answer was to do nothing. I forgot that, I forgot that the answer, the next right thing to do would come naturally-if I let it. It is VERY, VERY hard to let go and let God when it comes to your children. We so play God in their lives and forget on a dime that they have a God. I know it's a fine line, but still they do have a God and we ain't it.

I am in the anger cycle of this whole deal. I would like to knock the shit out of a few people. But I know that letting Beau see that is super bad for him. He has enough anger about this, he doesn't need me fueling the fire. I am very grateful to be able to talk about it on here, and in meetings. I a blessed to have such an amazing support system! Thank you

P.S Beau is doing okay, not great, but okay. Thank you guys for sending Beau-nations:) They were greatly appreciated! He had pureed Hamburger Helper the other night-is that gross or what!!?

Common Sense

2011-09-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; ... - Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, don't spend more than you can earn and adults, not children, are in charge. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, do nothing

Tired

2011-09-19T15:19:00.000-07:00

I am almost to tired to type. This is taking a toll on me, it really is. I have every emotion going on...fear, anger, worry, sadness...all of them. But the good news is I don't act on them anymore. Before I got sober this situation would have made me flip my flipping lid. I would have ape shit and most likely have ended up in jail myself. While I was drinking I acted on my every emotion normally in a loud and embarrassing way. I am so glad to no longer be that women. (Hey, as I am typing this I am thinking of how alike Annette's feelings in her post are to mine.)

The not acting out on your every emotion really is a wonderful part of sobriety!

I'm off to take a nap. xo, em

Sobriety Sunday

2011-09-18T13:23:00.000-07:00

Happy Sunday to everyone! I'd like to begin by saying how sorry I am that Emily's son, Beau, had to endure such a violent attack by a fellow student. Sustaining injuries like that, both physical and emotional/mental is something we never want our babies to endure.....but we live in a crazy world where we can't keep them safe at all times. It's very unfortunate and I truly hope that his school takes a more active stance on bullying......and Em, I trust that you will be heading this up :) I do hope that Beau is feeling a bit better and I'll be sending my "Beau-nation" in the mail tomorrow :)

I AM GRATEFUL TO BE SOBER THIS WEEKEND MORE SO THAN ANY OTHER WEEKEND I'VE EXPERIENCED THUS FAR IN MY SOBRIETY!!!! My son had his 1st High School Homecoming this past weekend - it was a very exciting time! A time that, had I still been actively drinking, I would have been partaking in an adult beverage or 2, or 3, or 4, etc. to celebrate the occasion......just as if it were "my" 1st Homecoming. I would have had drinks with friends, in inconspicuous cups of course, at the tailgate at the school Fri nite before the game, would have given a shit less about the ceremony on the field honoring current & veteran military - no way would I have even "thought" about wearing my uniform and being honored on the field....it would take me away from my adult beverage - HELL NO!!! I would have needed drinks to de-stress when we were getting ready for the dance last nite....I had to get ready b/c my hubs & I chaperoned at the dance.....therefore I would have been at least tipsy while on duty. I would have been driving my son & his friends around while drinking....and I probably would have been at the adult Homecoming after-party that was being held at a friend's house on the 1st floor, still drinking - of course, while the kids attended the teen after-party at the same house in the basement. I would have been well on my way when it was discovered that 2 of the boys in the basement had brought their own alcohol to the teen party and one of them was drunk and stumbling. I wouldn't have been in my right mind to deal with the situation and the consequences for not only the boys that brought the booze, but all those that were "there" and therefore guilty by association. I would have been drunk when the varsity football coach showed up to deal with the 2 players that brought the booze.

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD.......THIS DID NOT EVEN COME CLOSE TO HAPPENING!!!!!

I was sober, 100% present and ready to deal - head on - with whatever the weekend brought - good or bad. There were probs between my son and his date....but I didn't drink; going to a H.S. football game is a tiny trigger for me.....but I didn't drink; a little nervous and shy about being honored on the field for my service.....but I didn't drink; a little nervous about chaperoning at the dance.....but I didn't drink.

On our way to drop the boys off at the after party girl's house, I was prepared to go to the door and speak with her parents...I knew they were having an adult party upstairs and was somewhat hesitant about allowing my son to go, but decided to gauge the parents condition and decide right there on their front porch - you know, go with my gut feeling. Well.......we never even made it all the way to the girl's house. We were pulling onto her street and saw lots of kids walking "away" from the house, we stopped, asked my son's friends what was goin on, they said, "just turn around, don't go in there, 2 guys brought alcohol to the party and one of them is drunk and the parents found out and it's not good - just go home and we'll talk tomorrow"....then someone added, "the football coach is on his way over here right now". Right then, at that very moment, I think I was THE MOST GRATEFUL that I've been during the entire course of my sobriety that I was a sober parent, present and able to make the next right decision regarding my son and his friends that were in my care. I turned my car around, me & the boys talked about the situation, what the consequences for all those involved might be, especially given that their football coach had been notified, those involved facing and/or explaining everything to their parents - it was a good talk and a valuable lesson learned. I was so glad that we were running late and missed all the action........drunk Annette would have been smack dab in the middle and lovin all the chaos and drama.

Sobriety really does have it's perks people! It allows me the chance to take situations like this that I just described above, and turn them into excellent life talks with my son - to show him the importance of making the next right decision.....had I been drunk, I would have just lost a little bit more of my son's respect......but I know now that I DON'T have to live like that anymore.

I hope everyone can take something from this and make a difference and/or change in your life today.....a change that involves action......any action, big or small, towards sobriety......I promise - you won't regret it :)

Hugs to you all!!!!

Annette
Guest posting for Em

Kicking in for Beau

2011-09-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

Beau is doing decent physically, but emotionally he is struggling. Spending as much time as he will be at home with his mouth wired shut is stressing him out, on top of being way to much time stuck in his head. Watching your kid struggle in physical and emotional pain is horrible.

You may be asking yourself how you can help. You could donate a little, whatever you can do so I can order him netflix and gamefly. I think they will help get him out of his head. This is turning out to be very expensive...and though I know it will be covered that could take years. The food along that he needs to eat threw me off budget for the entire month.

We have a lot of very tough decisions ahead of us. Like whether I am willing to send him back to a school where the consequeces for bulling and breaking a kids jaw is a 5 day suspension. Still haven't heard from the parents, and word on the street is the kid isn't even grounded-nice. I'm guessing they won't care until they have to pull out their wallet-sad really.

Bullying

2011-09-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

I have to be careful what I say here on out as there may be a lawsuit. A lawsuit-so un me, but you know what I expect that when I send my child to school he will be safe.

I can tell you that broken bones seem to feel better once they are set.

Let's talk about bullying. How many of you have anti-bullying policies in your state? Cause I can tell you this much, mine is a flipping about to!

Turning the other Cheek

2011-09-15T17:06:00.000-07:00

I seldom see the need to get on a bandwagon but lordy, lordy, what is happening in our schools - My 16 year old grandson (who was brought up never to use his fists) was attacked today unprovoked by another student in the stairwell and had his jaw broken. He is in the hospital now awaiting surgery to have a metal plate put in his jaw and his mouth wired shut. Nothing about this seems sane to me - question - is turning the other cheek really the right thing to do?

Now mind you this is Grandmas version. But she's actually kind of got it right, that is pretty much what happened. Theses days if you fight back you get in just as much trouble as the kid who started it. They have no clause for self defense. Good thing Beau walked away (with a broken jaw) but still he walked away...

We really are at the hosiptal right now. I normally don't blog about current eventd about my kids, but I need your support, and love, and advice. We're going to be here awhile.

"Sometimes it is necessary to reteach something its loveliness." -Galway Kinnell

2011-09-14T18:13:00.000-07:00

Women Food and God

2011-09-14T12:07:00.000-07:00

I am reading the book -Women Food and God- right now. In fact I just put it down as it made me cry. For crying out loud does everything have too have a deeper meaning? Sometimes I wish I could just be an airhead that wasn't capable of connecting her own dots-but not really. My ability to figure my own self out is pretty cool. Anyway back to the book-the author nailed it. She explained that every time we eat when we are not hungry, we are doing so to fill a void-most of us know this right?! But her way of writing is simple and to the point. We all know how I feel about "wordy" self-help books-they are not helpful.

It teaches us to stop, stay in the moment and acknowledge the feeling you are about to bolt from. It totally reminds me of the quote "Put the cork back in the bottle and the fridge flies open." hehehe...love that one-it's so true. We all use some vice to bolt from our feelings whether it be food, alcohol, drugs, sex or shopping...everyone uses something. Feelings can be terrible painful, but once we face them it removes so much of the power they hold over us. I am willing to do the work suggested in this book, even though it is making me cry.

Emotional Throwing Up

2011-09-13T14:03:00.000-07:00

I have some fucked up patterns going on right now. One of them being the way I date. It's all over this blog if you've been reading it. They disappear off here...one day I am dating, the next day I am not. The pattern part of it is I go like 6 months without dating again. It is like it takes a toll on me and I just don't feel like it for a while. So this time I have been advised to stay the fuck in the batterers box (my words as the person advising me is much more polite) What she actually said is it's an interview process-date them all-keep the ones that make the cut and eliminate from there. Which is all fine and dandy except I don't really like people-okay I put that wrong-I don't feel an instant connection to many men-it doesn't just come naturally for me. So even finding one I'm willing to have coffee with is a big deal, much less a few of them.

I know-I know-when you stop looking, when you least expect it you"ll meet him. Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes "One day someone is going to walk into your life and it will make perfect sense why it never worked out with anyone else." Sweet right!?

P.S-I am sorry if you didn't know I swore-I do-like a trucker. It is something I am working on.

P.S.S-And that cute boy I was dating didn't just disappear. I think our timing was just off. Maybe if the universe sees fit it will realign us one day-we will see.

My Car

2011-09-13T08:09:00.000-07:00

"You just shouldn't be driving that car." I hear that all the time. The car is a '95 Honda Accord with decently low mileage and I'm lucky to be driving at all, so I wasn't really getting what they were saying. I asked {name withheld} who promptly explained to me that I looked pretty and put together, and that my car did not. It runs and well, but pretty it is not. I'm actually a lot more like my car than people think...The inside of me is healthy and running great, it is the outside that needs a little bit of work.

It made me reflect on the last 3 1/2 years. I lost my license for 2 years...and actually didn't drive. It was every bit as horrible as it sounds. It was humbling, inconvenient, crappy and embarrassing, but looking back now, I took it with Grace. I knew I deserved it, and that I could and would live through it-but still it sucked.

My journey unto and in sobriety has been humbling. I use to think things like the house I lived in and the car I drove mattered, now I get that the fact I have a car and a home to live in is a blessing. I use to think that this world owed me something, I now get that it is I that owes the world.

I am a different women today that I ever though I would be. I still have work to do, but I love who I am becoming.

side prayer:
Dear Universe,
A new car would be rad!
xo, em

Sobriety Sunday

2011-09-11T14:39:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! Today I sit in gratitude that I am alive and sober! Sat thru an amazing and inspirational Church service this morning - topic of course was the 10 yr Anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on our country. As we heard stories of various people that had lost loved ones at the World Trade Center that day, I was moved by their faith, but especially their HOPE - their hope that this tragedy would not be the defining moment in their lives. The defining moment in their lives would be the hope they had for their future and the future of our country to bond together - as Americans. It was truly moving. Today I am grateful and honored to be a United States Army veteran that served my country; I am grateful to be a sober alcoholic in recovery and that I have hope that I can continue to help & support those still struggling; I am grateful to be an American today in a country that I can live freely....I hope all of you are participating in something special today to mark the Anniversary of the 9/11 events...even if it's just a special prayer you say today :)

Annette
Guest Posting for Em

Love this!

2011-09-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

Women are like the apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of
vethe tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones, because
they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they get the
rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the
apples at the top think something is wrong with them when in reality
they are amazing! They have to wait for the right guy to come along.
The one who is brave enough to climb to the top of the tree!

Sent from my iPhone

Blog Roll

2011-09-08T13:41:00.000-07:00

Okay guys the silence on here is starting to freak me out. It's like
I'm talking to myself. Please check in and let us know how you are doing.

Sent from my iPhone

The Fear of Rejection

2011-09-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to start with this one-and that pisses me off. It seems that my fear of rejection has been around as long as I have...thanks Dad...you'll never hear me complain about it again, as being a chick with Daddy issues does nothing for me, but it is where my fear of rejection came from, so maybe if I at least acknowledge it I may be able to recover from it.

I am finding myself pushing people away that I feel are in a position to reject me. If I mentally bail out of it first, there's no way I can be rejected right?

I don't even know where to start with this one. Which is hard for me. I normally have some kind of idea of where to begin. Admitting it's an issue, I guess that is where I will begin.

Teenagers are Tuff

2011-09-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

They say that when you are experiencing pain and difficult situations yet can feel serenity, happiness and peace you are truly as close to God as you can get. Well it seems that God and I couldn't be any closer. My heart is super heavy yet I have this calm under line peace. I am finding raising a teenager to be a giant test of everything I am and everything I am trying to be. If my kid makes it to his 18th birthday without me knocking him the hell out it will be nothing short of a miracle.

A Peaceful Weekend

2011-09-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

This is where I spent my weekend. Beautiful right!? I was a very happy camper! In fact I slept througt the night for the first time in like 6 months. I guess a little get away was just what I needed:)

Perception

2011-09-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

That was the topic of my meeting tonight. Perception is interesting-mine is not yours because mine is based on my life, what I have been through, what I have learned, what I fear, what I have decided to see as real or unreal- which is not the same as what you have been through.

The cool thing about perception is that it can be change at any time. What I have once seen as a bad or hopeless situation can soon become an amazing learning experience that I am grateful for with just a small shift in my perception. I dig that.

Friday

2011-09-02T05:08:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! I am up and getting ready for work-so as far a wise things to say-may be sparse. Mmmm how about an update...

I am still dating the new boy. I swing from TOTALLY being into him, to TOTALLY not being. I don't know why. It is weird. I finally get that if we don't work out it's not because there's anything wrong with me, or anything wrong with him, it's just not a match. I am trying to stay in the moment and enjoy him, but I'm not going to lie-it's tuff. Not the enjoying part so much as he is super cute, but the staying in the moment part. I think I have been so worried about finding Mr. Right that I started failing to appreciate Mr. Right Now. Hehehe I think that's what I should call him from now on...Mr. Right Now...funny!

The boys are doing wonderfully. I am continually amazed at how awesome they are. Yesterday I wrote..."Out of all the sons in the entire world how did I get lucky enough to get the very best one?"...on their mirror in dry erase marker......It was funny to hear them bicker about who is was for...duh, both of course! I love them. And I love that I am present in their lives today.

My recovery program is stronger that it ever as been. I am proud of that. My old self would have gotten all wrapped up in the new guy to the point that everything else would have fallen to shit. It is nice to have a life!

Work is great! I am starting the new component of it in a few weeks, then I can chit-chat all about it!

Well, that's it in a nutshell. What about you? Comments have been super slow on here...so come on y'all give us an update! xo, em

Driving While Buzzed is Drunk Driving

2011-08-31T09:35:00.001-07:00

Sobriety Sunday......on Tuesday :)

2011-08-30T08:39:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! Sorry I wasn't able to do my weekly Sobriety Sunday post on Sunday....but here it is on Tuesday - same subject (sobriety), different day (Tuesday) - it all still works :)

Gratitude!!!!! I was SOOOOO grateful to be sober Sunday in particular! My 10 yr old was being pulled on a skateboard by a friend riding his bike - rope attached to the bike, and my son on the board at the other end....no helmet mind you :( Anyway, he was going really fast, hit a rock and fell on the street on his head - scrambling, crying, screaming, rushing - ER - cat scans - concussion yes - no brain injury (THANK GOD!!) - and then home with extensive instructions as they have recently increased the guidelines for monitoring and after-care on concussions.

Had I been drinking and/or drunk, soooo many different scenarios could have played out badly: I could have been pulled over for DUI while en route to the ER, the ER staff could have called SRS while we were in the ER, I could have missed something important the doctor or nurse had said to me in regard to my son's injury....so many things "could have happened IF I had been drinking and/or drunk".

Nothing bad happened in this regard - I was as sober as the Pope and 100% present for my son and the doctors. When I choose sobriety first and foremost in my life, I don't have to worry about the situations I mentioned above and that right there affirms for me why my sobriety is so totally important for me and my family.

I was lucky back in my drinking days that neither of my kids was ever injured while I was drinking/drunk and required ER visits...."only by the Grace of God"! Drinking is not worth anything in my mind these days - I honestly don't miss it at all. I much prefer coming face to face on a daily basis with life on life's terms - it ain't always pretty, but it's there nonetheless, and I deal with it :)

Hope everyone is having a great day & again, I apologize for my late post - I'm sure all you moms out there understand :)

Annette
Guest Posting for Em

Sobriety First

2011-08-30T06:30:00.000-07:00

My life is starting to get full. In the beginning of sobriety I was so sick that I all I could do was stay sober. I look back now and I'm so, so grateful that God kept everything off my plate until I was ready to handle it. But am I ready to handle it? I guess so, or I wouldn't be where I am right now.

I needed more time in the week the other day and my mind actually went to my meeting schedule first....HELLO FLIPPING LO....if anything as life takes off I should be going to more meetings...I SORTA know how my disease works...It talks to me in my voice, and sounds super smart...alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful-there is no doubt about that-and it wants me drunk...So I did a few things to secure my sobriety. Either I put God and my program first or my crazy will return, and I'm just not up for that-at all.

PMSing

2011-08-29T07:55:00.000-07:00

I am. And it sucks. Yesterday I decided the new guy wasn't really into me (for absolutely no reason), I felt needy and cranky and off balance all day.

I was thinking that pms must be hard on guys also (don't get me wrong it is WAY harder on us) but still all of a sudden their perfectly sane and sweet wife or girlfriend or daughter get all Sally sensitive on them, crying at the drop of a hat, and flying off the deep end for absolutely no reason. My advice to men... be sweet, really flipping sweet, and don't try to figure us out, that's nearly impossible...Women-can't live with them-can't live without them.

Holy Crap

2011-08-26T05:07:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning completely under attack. You know when you wake up angrier than crap for no reason? It sucks. I totally yelled at Beau, which pretty much won me the worst Mom in the world award, then quickly ran through everything that is or could possibly go wrong. Not pretty, not pretty at all.

I am wearing myself thin these days. I know that some people can do that and be just fine, I am not one of them. So as I take a deep breath in I pray for balance, Oh' and to start this crappy ass day fresh and new. Amen

My Date

2011-08-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

The date went well. We went to a movie then sat outside and talked, it was lovely.

He's a normie...very respectful of my sobriety, but still a normie. I wonder if when my crazy comes he'll be able to handle it. But I guess the truth is if I'm working a strong enough program he shouldn't have to see my crazy at all. We'll see. I am surprised how well I'm doing. I haven't freaked out, run away, or sabotaged it yet. Progress!

$1.82 in the Tank

2011-08-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

Today's been an interesting day. It started out a little ruff as I counted pennies to put in my gas tank this morning. So as I was driving, praying that $1.82 would get me to and from work I prayed to God thanking him that I even had a job to drive to, but that this whole poverty thing was getting a bit old.

Then about half way through my shift I got a phone call offering me a job opportunity doing exactly what I love to do. Sometime slowly, sometimes quickly, but he always answered

The good news is that I never once questioned my ability to do the job. And if you've followed the blog since the beginning you know that has not always been the case. In fact when I re entered the job market I was quite convinced that I was pretty much in capable of anything....GO NEW FOUND SELF-ESTEEM!!! It took awhile to figure out that I'm actually kind of a smart cookie. Thanks for all of you who reminded me time and time again. xo

2011-08-23T19:41:00.001-07:00

The Ones we Love

2011-08-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was feeding the ball players at work, I started thinking that I wished I treated the people I love the most as well as I treated the players, and everyone else for that matter. I am sweet, and kind, and supportive. I totally spoil them. I understand that they are young and far away from home.

But at home with my boys, the ones I truly love, I am shitty. I yell and nag and behave in a manner I never would to other people. I would never yell, or belittle a friend, or someone at work or in a meeting.

So I guess I have to ask myself "Why is it that I treat the people I love the most the worst?"

If love and tolerance is our code shouldn't that start at home?

I like him

2011-08-22T12:40:00.000-07:00

My date late night went really well. I like him. Mmmm, how to explain it? As we were talking I sorta wanted to flick him in the head to see if he was real. But I wanted him to ask me out on a second date... so I didn't.

We hit golf balls, then went out to eat. You know when you meet someone and you could spend the whole night talking? It was like that. He's the first guy in sobriety I've had that with...so it's super exciting, yet a little scary all at the same time.

So anyway. He's super cute, so far so good. We're going out again on Wednesday. Cool right!?

Sobriety Sunday

2011-08-21T15:07:00.000-07:00

LYING, DECEIVING, DISHONESTY, MANIPULATING.....These are all things that I wanted to talk about today. When I was drinking, I was the master liar. My husband would call home from out of town and point blank ask me if I was drinking - my answer, of course, was no....when I was sitting there with a drink in my hand. I would be drunk and say something I was supposed to keep to myself - get caught - and lie like a rug to blame someone else...who cares who got hurt - as long as it wasn't me.

I look back at one of the most liberating changes I made once I became sober and that is becoming honest....and I mean honest to the core. It was hard when I started, but by being honest in all that I do and say, it has become something that I truly cherish. Don't get me wrong - I'm in no way perfect, but when I "do" occasionally slip up and fall back into my old ways, I now "face the music". I might get hurt, get embarassed, my ego takes a hit - but I own it and do whatever it takes to make it right.

The worst person you can lie to is yourself. I successfully stayed as far away from getting sober for a very long time by continuously lying to myself. Once I got honest with myself, I found that getting sober was a bit easier to consider - because then I knew the truth...I was an alcoholic and I needed to get help, from whatever source was available wherever it was available. Which could also be described as "was willing to go to any lengths" to get sober.

If you are currently lying to yourself or others about your drinking, today is the perfect day to stop lying and give the truth a try....you might just experience that liberating feeling I discovered not so long ago. The truth really does set you free :)

Hope everyone is having an awesome Sunday! I'm off to a mandatory drug & alcohol meeting at my son's high school. Oh how I pray for him and all of his classmates that they don't ever have to battle this wicked, evil monster that we all fight every day.

Love, prayers and hugs to you all!

Annette
Guest posting for Em

Insecure Emily

2011-08-20T16:28:00.000-07:00

So I'm going on a date tomorrow. And all of a sudden I started getting all insecure about it. I don't know why... probably because he had a job, and a car, and all in all, I just don't think I'm worthy of a guy who has his shit together. I know, I know...that's bull. I am worthy. I am!

My friend Bob set me straight when I told him how I was feeling. He said, "I admire you for what you're doing". You took a crappy situation and are doing everything you can to make it better. You are making something of yourself and while doing so helping others. Thanks Bob.

So because of Bob I am going to go on my date tomorrow instead of making up some bull crap excuse about why I can't.

Go dating! Super fun! lol

A Better Place

2011-08-18T13:05:00.000-07:00

I am in such a better place than I have been. When I relax and take a deep breath I think to myself "I am happy" It was very hard to go so long without being happy when you know what happy feels like.

I am happy, I am content, it is nice.

I would love to ride it out and be content with just being content. But that isn't how it works, there is still more work to be done. I am taking a 2 month relationship course. I need to clean up and close up the problems I have in relationships that still keep surfacing. And then I fully expect to meet the love of my life:)

I will be blogging my way through that course. Should be fun!

What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink?

2011-08-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

15 things to do besides drinking....

2011-08-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

go to a meeting

pray

take a walk

rent a movie

volunteer

plant some flowers

call a friend

journal

start a blog

eat something yummy

find a new favorite drink

take a bath

listen to your favorite music

clean out your closet

read a book

Sobriety Sunday

2011-08-14T15:38:00.000-07:00

Hello & Happy Sunday to everyone! It was great to see so much response and conversation on last Sunday's post, so for those that missed it, we're doing a "roll call" so everyone that follows (those that comment as well as those that just read) can sound off and tell everyone a little about themselves....anonymously, if you prefer, of course :) Just include the following - can look at last Sundays post to get an idea of the format: State/country you live in, marital status, kiddo status, Issues, Goals and Sobriety Date or current status with alcohol. Would be great to see some additional comments from those that read & follow :)

I'm in the midst of reading "Best Kept Secret" and the passage I was reading before I fell asleep last nite around midnite sent chills up & down my spine and they were still there when I woke up this morning. It reminded me of this from my drinking days:

I remember my heart beating faster and faster the closer and closer I got to the liquor store - wow - noticed it back then, but didn't really pay much attention to it or attribute it to the fact that I might have a problem. The other was being completely out of alcohol and absolutely needing it NOW....but what about the kids???....they're asleep - they won't even know I left...I'll be right back - and then running off in my car to the liquor store before they closed at 11 p.m. - WTF!!!!! What was I thinking??? What if something would have happened, what if they would have woken up and found that I wasn't there? These questions didn't haunt me at the time when I was actually leaving them home alone to get to the liquor store, but oh boy do they haunt me now! Looking back at my behaviors after being sober for quite a while, I am utterly shocked at the lengths that I went to for my vodka...guess I just didn't see it or realize it back then when I was actively drinking...scary to think about, but always remember this.....don't dwell on the past, but don't forget it either....when I tend to forget how it was, I begin to teeter and toy with silly ideas that I can drink like the normies....so I've made it my mission to never forget my past and my stories and what it was like, cuz I don't ever wanna go back there again!

Great book by the way - really quick read for me - I started yesterday and will be done with it tonite before I go to bed :)

Hope everyone had a super sober weekend - I know "somebody" that follows on here that could share her amazing story of a "victory" this past weekend - only if she wants to though and anonymously of course!

Hugs to all!

Annette
Guest posting for Em

Eat Pray Love

2011-08-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

I just got finished read the book Eat Love Pray. I was starting to feel like the last person on earth yet to read it.
,
I like millions of others feel in love. What an amazing, well writing, honest book...loved it!

As I say time and time again when the student is ready the teacher will come. I have not been meditating...praying a whole heap, but not meditating. This book awakened me to the idea of meditation. I am grateful.

My very favorite part was when her and her friend were driving and she was struggling not knowing when a settlement agreement would be made in her divorce. Her friend asked her if she had asked God...so right there in the car she wrote a letter to God asking and then explaining why it would be best for her, her loved ones and the universe if a settlement would happen. Then she took a nap...after she woke her phone rang...it was her lawyer letting her know that a settlement had been reached. God always, always, always answers are prayers sometimes it's not as quick as this story, and sometimes the answer is no, but he always answers.

Have you read eat pray love? And if so what did you think?

2011-08-09T19:36:00.001-07:00