Friday, January 30, 2015

21 day yoga challenge

If you follow me on Facebook you know that I've done numerous yoga challenge.  One was for 64 days straight, one was for three iron classes per week for two months and my most recent was 21 classes in 30 days. 

I am the most proud of this last one. The reason is that I accomplish that goal in spite of everything that was going on in my life - the biggest event of the year, a breakdown, a small bout of depression, dealing with Gavin (who isn't doing all that well in school) 

But I set a goal and for me not to accomplish it was unacceptable.  I JUST learned that I was capable of setting goals and accomplishing them - I'm certainly not gonna break the momentum now.




Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Are you sorry you asked?

I new friend asked me how my day was and how I was feeling.  This was the txt I sent... 

I went to my morning meeting. Then I went to breakfast with two other small business owners that I am very close with..❤️ them! We all then went to take a tour of Gainey Ranch with their event Coordinator. Great venue. 

I then picked Gavin up from school and took him to the doctor. He has a sinus infection. Then I won worst Mom of the year award for screaming at him because he locked his door and I had to pound on it to wake him up. I really don't like teenagers. I have all this love and tolerance for little kids - my God I was a preschool teacher for 10 years… But teenagers - ugh!! 

I now owe him an amends. 

You? 

He thinks I'm super funny - for now... Lol 

Monday, January 26, 2015

Brave

I had an x-boyfriend once who said I used my mental illness as an excuse - I'll admit it pissed me off. then I asked myself..."An excuse for what? To talk publicly about my recovery, to start a blog that was published in People magazine, or to start my own business? Perhaps it was an excuse to be in the documentary I was in or the AD council campaign about Drunk Driving I was a part of. Knowing that he felt that way made him unsafe. 

Looking back over the last few weeks I see how truly blessed I am. I have people in my life that "get" it. My best friend actually saw this last spell coming (I think we're going to start calling them spells- much better word than breakdown or episode ) he came and filled my refrigerator with food that I love (when I'm having a hard time I forget to eat and it is dangerous) none of these people let me use anything as an excuse. My Mom once told me that I didn't have time for a breakdown and to get it together. She is my biggest supporter. She understands without enabling. 

Having so much support and knowing that I could talk about it with people that care, love and understand me was why I didn't get "stuck" in my own head this time. In the past I have been unable to communicate any of my feelings or thoughts during a spell. I will tell you right now being trapped in your own head is the worse thing ever it's like an acid trip that comes out of nowhere with no predictable end. 

I had a blogging friend who once told me she was so, so proud of me for talking about my alcoholism and that she couldn't imagine being that brave - and then in return I told her that I was so, so proud of her for talking about her bipolar and that I couldn't imagine being that brave.  

I guess today I am that brave. 

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Manic/Depressive

In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous there is a paragraph that states - There is the manic-depressive type, who is, perhaps, the least understood by his friends, and about whom a whole chapter could be written.

It is tough to admit that I am that type of alcoholic - but I am.  The last few weeks have taught me that I still have manic in me - I find that to be upsetting and scary - as manic has lead me to very dark places in the past. But not this time. This time I knew exactly what to do and because of that I kept my sanity and my soberity. 

Reading the Big Book helped - it always does. Reading the passage about the manic/depressive alcoholic was pivotal - you see I start to feel  that I am the only one who suffers with a mental illness. But the truth is.. all alcoholics deal with mental illness in one way or another. I am not  unique in my illness and thinking so is just my ego trying to separate me from God (Easing God Out)

I'm not unique, I am not alone. I am one of.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Emotional Newcomer

I'm not really ready to talk about it - but this last week sucked. I went into the event I last blogged about resentful, tired and discontent - working a half ass program....because of that ego and pride took over .. And you know what they say about pride.

When it came down to it I had to pick my soberity over my job. I know the redirection happened for a reason - I know God needs me in another place to do his will. But I will admit that even though I know it is for a reason it didn't make it any less painful or any less scary. That's the thing about faith just because I have a ton doesn't mean I don't have feelings and emotions and fear.

Obviously there's a little more to this but again I'm just not ready to talk about it.

As for my recovery..I'm kind of looking at it like I'm an emotional newcomer. I'll be going to a meeting every day, read out of the big book, help the other alcoholics and talk to my sponsors.

  Easy does it.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Event Exhaustion

I am in the middle of my largest event of the year.  I  work, plan and staff events- in case you wanted to know what I did for a living. The amount of hours I am putting in is unheard of.   It is taking the life and sanity out of me. I have cried twice (not really one to cry) Sunday I slide in to a meeting a emotional train wretch. Being this tired and mentally  exhausted is dangerous for me and I know it.

Please send some prayers my way.




Monday, January 5, 2015

Standing the test of Time

When I first started this blog I questioned if it would stand the test of time. I think it's very cool that it has. There were times that you and this blog kept me sober and  there were times I only blogged for you. But regardless I kept on blogging - biggest reason this blog is still around ;) The other is that I made a commitment to be kind and to never blog, tweet or Face book about someone in a unkind or passive aggressive way. I use to remind myself not to be do it by using the phase don't tweet AT anyone. Have I been perfect at this? No but I have done a pretty good job. I believe it is why my readers are so kind not only to me but to each other. There are plenty of blogs where you can be an asshole - I have always said that this is not one of them.

Thank you for reading and I love you.

Friday, January 2, 2015

20/20

20 years ago when I was 20 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Happy 20th Birthday, Beau! Thank you for growing up with me! 

And because I believe in blessings and miracles I bought $20 worth of lottery tickets today....'ya never know! 


Thursday, January 1, 2015

2015 - The Best Year of my Life!

January 1st 2009
I just woke up from a very deep afternoon nap. I'm not sure if it's my PMS, the full moon or if I am hiding from the New Year. But whatever it is, it's not looking pretty.

I have a crap load of New Year's resolutions or goals, or whatever you want to call them spinning through my head. Become fully self supporting, start working out, quit smoking, get my house organized, find a new boyfriend, divorce myself from self pity and self seeking motives. Kind of putting a little pressure on myself you think. I am flipping going to get back in bed and sleep this out!



January 1st 2015
 The above blog post is proof that it DOES get better. On my home from yoga today the words -This is going to be the best year of your life- came out of my mouth out of nowhere... it was a little bit odd, but I decided to just go ahead and agree.

I have accomplished most goals set on the above list. Very rarely do I take a moment to look at how far I have come - but God have I come a long way. Sobriety is worth every bit of the work it takes. 




I have one goal for this year and it is to keep my house and car clean and organized. It is the one thing that show up on my goal list each and every time. 

Here's to a happy, healthy and clean 2015!