Thursday, April 2, 2015

Instead of getting scared when her dreams started coming true - she took great faith in the fact that her dreams were so much bigger than her, understood with all of her heart that she was only a small part of them...with that understanding and faith she took a deep breath, thanked God, and ran off to live the life he had created for her..............................

Friday, March 20, 2015

Blog Envy

Envy is a big red flag stearing us in the direction we are meant to go - I read this quote on a blog..I'm pretty sure it was (if you haven't read it you for sure should!) the fact I read it on that blog is actually pretty funny as I totally have blog envy of it. She's amazingly honest, has a book and a shit ton of readers .. She has accomplished on her blog the goals I have set for mine. 

But then suddenly I was reminded that this blog was built by the Grace of God and that it really doesn't matter what I want. I built it to make people feel less alone and there is no doubt that it has done that. 

I am starting to read more  recovery blogs and reach out to other amazing women who are speaking out loud and bravely about recovery. As I've said a million times the more we talk about it the less power it has over us.

Here's to brave people who take their recovery stories outside of the rooms. isn't everybody's calling but is without a doubt mine.

Thank you for helping me and encouraging me to be brave. 

**if you're just starting out know that you are not alone ... Ask for help, reach out and let us love you until you can love yourself**

(Lol I have watched WAY too much Gossip Girl) 

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Giving up Sugar for Lent

If you follow me on FB then you know I gave up sugar for lent. Come to find out sugar was my "go-to" emotion food.  I'll be honest I'm feeling pretty crappy. But I've been around long enough to know that feelings aren't facts and that they will pass. In this case they will for sure pass on April 5th - which is not only Easter but also my 41st Birthday. I am starting the day with pancakes! (hint, hint to my family)

I also gave up artificial sweetener, because I'm a bit of a Go Big or Go Home kind of girl.

I have proven to myself multiple times that I can set a goal and stick to it (which is a huge deal for me because for years I was pretty sure that I was the most undisciplined person around) The problem is keeping some sort of routine after the goal has been met.

Example: I did 64 days of yoga in a row and then it took me 2 months to get back in a yoga room. My plan was to scale back to 3 classes per week. It didn't help that I got a boyfriend right after which always throws me off my game - not their fault -  totally mine. It is something I am working on.

These goals for sure let me see my patterns...
No Boyfriend = big goals that I always accomplish
Boyfriend = no goals and crappy routines.

So as for right now I have no boyfriend, I don't drink, I don't smoke and I'm not eating any sugar... I'm just a peach to be around :)

Monday, February 23, 2015

What if everything you've ever wanted....

was on the other side of fear? I think we think our way out of our dreams coming true. Not thinking we're good enough, thinking our dreams are too big to every accomplish - really thinking anything other then every dream we're ever had coming true is why they don't.

I know my business will be a success
I know I will meet the love of my life
I know I will always be able to provide for my family

How do you know? Faith told me so.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

No Game

I had  a girlfriend call last week with a broken had happened again. Meet a man, he says and does all of the right things. claims his love for you - but in a matter of weeks - bam- it's over, just like that. Leaving a bright, beautiful and brilliant women feeling alone and confused thinking that she has done something wrong.

My words to her were this.. find one without game. One who doesn't have all of the beautiful words to get you in the sack. One who is a bit shy and reserved. One you have to crack open to get to the good stuff.

I know the following is a bit  harsh but it is my observation and I am going to share it... What I have found is that men with game (all the right words) in the end are either mildly sociopathic or at the lease misogynists. They normally had to be very manipulative  to get the love and attention from the most important women in their lives (Like their Mom - which is super sad and unfair)

Game = Mommy issues (most of the time) My maternal instant wants to parent, love and fix broken men. But the fact is it doesn't work. No matter how hard I try I will never be able to fix the pain and hurt of poor parenting. Nothing I can do will ever be good enough to fill that void - trust me I've tried.

My advice to her (and myself) is this......find a shy one that loves his Mom.

Friday, February 13, 2015

50 Shades of Grey

I'm sitting in the movie theater by myself in the middle of the day waiting for 50 Shades of Grey to start.

I'll let you know how it is. 😊

Here is a post I left on a FB debate about 50 shade of Grey.....

A lot of people seem to think that it promote domestic violence and the poor treatment of women. They are entitled to their opinion,  but you wanna know what I think? I think it promotes better sex. 

Emily Sadler The second he inflicted actual pain on her she walked. I actually think she's a badass and truly out of the two of them she's the one that had control. People should read all 3 book before making a judgment.
Like · Reply · 23 · 9 hrs

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Why is the Cubs my Happy Place?

Every time I go see my friends at the Cubs Spring stadium I Facebook that I am at my "happy place" Yesterday it dawned on me that maybe you were wondering why a baseball stadium would ever be my happy place. I can explain...

5 year ago I walked into the Chicago Cubs Spring training facility broken, broke, sad and afraid. I was at my worst- or at least the worst I had been in sobriety. My heart was so broken that I could hardly take a full breath. And I was so poor that I literally ran out of gas on the way there. I was there to be the caterer having no clue that what I was going to find there was a brand new life.  I found confidence and friendship. I found a break from the shattering loneliness I was living with. I spend a lot of time there, even when I wasn't working. It was truly the place that made me the happiest. It wasn't a bad deal for Gavin either as  he truly loves everything about the sport of baseball, so being able to "play" in a stadium was pretty magical to him too.

It will always, always hold a special place in my heart. <3 nbsp="" p="">

Thursday, February 5, 2015


There's something about me that I don't like to admit - not even to myself. But they say we're only sick as our secrets so maybe if I let it out it'll fade away… I am easily annoyed -  sounds people make, little quirks, shit sometimes people in general just annoy me. I have very little tolerance for behavior that I deem intolerable. 

This whole being annoyed and irritated thing is getting a little bit out of control. I would hate to think that that's just me...that I am this irritatable intolerant women. :/ 

I know the fact of the matter is That I am not spiritually fit right now. Spiritual people don't feel like punching others for gulping or chewing too loudly. Spiritually fit people have love and tolerance for their fellow man. 

I am doing everything I can to take care of my current spiritual condition...but between now and then if I do something unloving or intolerant to you please know it is me not you - and that I am sorry ❤️

Monday, February 2, 2015

Doing the next right thing...

There are times I'm not sure what the next right thing to do is but I'm normally pretty clear on what the next wrong action to take is. I'm uncomfortable, lonely and going through a mass amount of growth. My will wants to reach out and fill that void with something finding a man or eating crappy food or whatever is temporarily gonna make me feel better. I  know that is not the answer and I know if I just hold on the uncomfortableness will pass. 

I am doing everything that I was taught to do. I'm going to meetings and working with other alcoholics. I'm eating healthy and doing yoga. I'm doing step work and digging deeper into the things that are affecting me in my life today.

  I'm doing all of these things even though what I really want to do is crawl up in bed and not get out for the rest of the month but instead I will ... Just keep swimming…

Friday, January 30, 2015

21 day yoga challenge

If you follow me on Facebook you know that I've done numerous yoga challenge.  One was for 64 days straight, one was for three iron classes per week for two months and my most recent was 21 classes in 30 days. 

I am the most proud of this last one. The reason is that I accomplish that goal in spite of everything that was going on in my life - the biggest event of the year, a breakdown, a small bout of depression, dealing with Gavin (who isn't doing all that well in school) 

But I set a goal and for me not to accomplish it was unacceptable.  I JUST learned that I was capable of setting goals and accomplishing them - I'm certainly not gonna break the momentum now.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Are you sorry you asked?

I new friend asked me how my day was and how I was feeling.  This was the txt I sent... 

I went to my morning meeting. Then I went to breakfast with two other small business owners that I am very close with..❤️ them! We all then went to take a tour of Gainey Ranch with their event Coordinator. Great venue. 

I then picked Gavin up from school and took him to the doctor. He has a sinus infection. Then I won worst Mom of the year award for screaming at him because he locked his door and I had to pound on it to wake him up. I really don't like teenagers. I have all this love and tolerance for little kids - my God I was a preschool teacher for 10 years… But teenagers - ugh!! 

I now owe him an amends. 


He thinks I'm super funny - for now... Lol 

Monday, January 26, 2015


I had an x-boyfriend once who said I used my mental illness as an excuse - I'll admit it pissed me off. then I asked myself..."An excuse for what? To talk publicly about my recovery, to start a blog that was published in People magazine, or to start my own business? Perhaps it was an excuse to be in the documentary I was in or the AD council campaign about Drunk Driving I was a part of. Knowing that he felt that way made him unsafe. 

Looking back over the last few weeks I see how truly blessed I am. I have people in my life that "get" it. My best friend actually saw this last spell coming (I think we're going to start calling them spells- much better word than breakdown or episode ) he came and filled my refrigerator with food that I love (when I'm having a hard time I forget to eat and it is dangerous) none of these people let me use anything as an excuse. My Mom once told me that I didn't have time for a breakdown and to get it together. She is my biggest supporter. She understands without enabling. 

Having so much support and knowing that I could talk about it with people that care, love and understand me was why I didn't get "stuck" in my own head this time. In the past I have been unable to communicate any of my feelings or thoughts during a spell. I will tell you right now being trapped in your own head is the worse thing ever it's like an acid trip that comes out of nowhere with no predictable end. 

I had a blogging friend who once told me she was so, so proud of me for talking about my alcoholism and that she couldn't imagine being that brave - and then in return I told her that I was so, so proud of her for talking about her bipolar and that I couldn't imagine being that brave.  

I guess today I am that brave. 

Thursday, January 22, 2015


In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous there is a paragraph that states - There is the manic-depressive type, who is, perhaps, the least understood by his friends, and about whom a whole chapter could be written.

It is tough to admit that I am that type of alcoholic - but I am.  The last few weeks have taught me that I still have manic in me - I find that to be upsetting and scary - as manic has lead me to very dark places in the past. But not this time. This time I knew exactly what to do and because of that I kept my sanity and my soberity. 

Reading the Big Book helped - it always does. Reading the passage about the manic/depressive alcoholic was pivotal - you see I start to feel  that I am the only one who suffers with a mental illness. But the truth is.. all alcoholics deal with mental illness in one way or another. I am not  unique in my illness and thinking so is just my ego trying to separate me from God (Easing God Out)

I'm not unique, I am not alone. I am one of.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Emotional Newcomer

I'm not really ready to talk about it - but this last week sucked. I went into the event I last blogged about resentful, tired and discontent - working a half ass program....because of that ego and pride took over .. And you know what they say about pride.

When it came down to it I had to pick my soberity over my job. I know the redirection happened for a reason - I know God needs me in another place to do his will. But I will admit that even though I know it is for a reason it didn't make it any less painful or any less scary. That's the thing about faith just because I have a ton doesn't mean I don't have feelings and emotions and fear.

Obviously there's a little more to this but again I'm just not ready to talk about it.

As for my recovery..I'm kind of looking at it like I'm an emotional newcomer. I'll be going to a meeting every day, read out of the big book, help the other alcoholics and talk to my sponsors.

  Easy does it.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Event Exhaustion

I am in the middle of my largest event of the year.  I  work, plan and staff events- in case you wanted to know what I did for a living. The amount of hours I am putting in is unheard of.   It is taking the life and sanity out of me. I have cried twice (not really one to cry) Sunday I slide in to a meeting a emotional train wretch. Being this tired and mentally  exhausted is dangerous for me and I know it.

Please send some prayers my way.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Standing the test of Time

When I first started this blog I questioned if it would stand the test of time. I think it's very cool that it has. There were times that you and this blog kept me sober and  there were times I only blogged for you. But regardless I kept on blogging - biggest reason this blog is still around ;) The other is that I made a commitment to be kind and to never blog, tweet or Face book about someone in a unkind or passive aggressive way. I use to remind myself not to be do it by using the phase don't tweet AT anyone. Have I been perfect at this? No but I have done a pretty good job. I believe it is why my readers are so kind not only to me but to each other. There are plenty of blogs where you can be an asshole - I have always said that this is not one of them.

Thank you for reading and I love you.

Friday, January 2, 2015


20 years ago when I was 20 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Happy 20th Birthday, Beau! Thank you for growing up with me! 

And because I believe in blessings and miracles I bought $20 worth of lottery tickets today....'ya never know! 

Thursday, January 1, 2015

2015 - The Best Year of my Life!

January 1st 2009
I just woke up from a very deep afternoon nap. I'm not sure if it's my PMS, the full moon or if I am hiding from the New Year. But whatever it is, it's not looking pretty.

I have a crap load of New Year's resolutions or goals, or whatever you want to call them spinning through my head. Become fully self supporting, start working out, quit smoking, get my house organized, find a new boyfriend, divorce myself from self pity and self seeking motives. Kind of putting a little pressure on myself you think. I am flipping going to get back in bed and sleep this out!

January 1st 2015
 The above blog post is proof that it DOES get better. On my home from yoga today the words -This is going to be the best year of your life- came out of my mouth out of nowhere... it was a little bit odd, but I decided to just go ahead and agree.

I have accomplished most goals set on the above list. Very rarely do I take a moment to look at how far I have come - but God have I come a long way. Sobriety is worth every bit of the work it takes. 

I have one goal for this year and it is to keep my house and car clean and organized. It is the one thing that show up on my goal list each and every time. 

Here's to a happy, healthy and clean 2015!