Saturday, December 27, 2014

Pause

Pause and use spiritual energy....

I paused tonight instead of lashing out at someone who had hurt me. Instead of texting the person what an ass I thought they were, I called another alcoholic and shared with her what was bothering me - and even though she completely understood and empathized with me her advice was not to call the person and sock it to them - her advice was to put it in my God Box. 

Sometimes all it takes is someone really understanding where you are coming from to move pass a situation. I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life that pick up their phones! 



Pause
And 
Use
Spiritual
Energy 


Friday, December 26, 2014

What it sounds like in my head.....

I need to take the Christmas stuff down,  I can no longer have babies - not sure how I feel about that, I wonder what I should wear on my coffee date tomorrow, Beau is going out of town with his 'boys'  - hope they stay out of jail, my Mom is in town and making me aware of my need for alone time, I am preparing for Barrett Jackson - which is completely overwhelming,  I wish someone would turn the heat off, my car is leaking oil so badly that I am surprised it is still running, Gavin better be behaving at the mall, I need to get my carpets cleaned....When was the last time I went to a meeting? 







 

Monday, December 22, 2014

Stolen wallet - Stole Innocence

I took my Was-Been to get a knee surgery last week, and while I was waiting for him to get out I some how managed to set down his wallet and it was stolen... :( I felt horrible - granted worse things could have happened - like the surgery not going well - but still...ugh.

Here's why I'm blogging about it. I was affected - it took away some of my innocence and trust. If you know me in 'real' life than you know I'm WAY too trusting- almost to a irresponsible point - so maybe becoming a bit more aware that not everyone is to be trusted isn't such a bad thing.

Here's my plan I'm going to look at what I can do to make myself, my things and my life more secure. But what I refuse to do is let this make me think that everyone is a piece. I will continue to believe that all people are good - and hopefully always be a bit surprised and taken back when they are not.

And helping the boys on what to get Dad just became a whole lot easier.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Sharing from my journal...

This is a post I shared in my first year of blogging....sometimes old posts are the best posts!




I am going to blog throughout the day about sobriety....If you have any questions or comments please leave them. If you want to e-mail me directly do so at emilyism.com@gmail.com. Please trust me when I say you are never bothering me! Helping other people get and stay sober keeps me sober. It is my honor to help anyone that asks, if I can.

Here is an entry from my journal...

3 1/2 months sober
I am having a hard time with something and I have no idea what it is, my heart feels heavy. What is my problem (um...you're 3 months sober, now I know that was the problem) I know I should be grateful, and I am...that is all I can do. (yup, stay in gratitude:)
 I have no idea who I am, I feel at a loss for words. I feel boring and that I have no personality. I want to help people. I want to be funny, maybe I'm just not meant to be funny. I want to be the person that God wants me to be, but who the heck that is I have no clue!

I am so grateful I journaled my first year! There is one entry that says "I hope one day I can look back at this and have it be a faded memory." It so is now. I hope by me sharing my journal with you it makes you feel a little less alone. It gets better...I PROMISE! Emily

I am off to a meeting with my friend Stacy.

K, I'm back. Went to a meeting, got a hair-cut then took a nap. Sundays are great!

Here's a little more from my journal.....

7 months sober
I am finally learning how to turn my thoughts over. But I still walk around with an uncomfortable feeling, it is wearing on me. God please guide me and show me how to heal.

11 months sober
O' my God, life is amazing. Thank you God. I have never ever been happier.

Has every second of sobriety since then been bliss...no. I have suffered a depression in sobriety, been poor, almost homeless and cried a ton. What sobriety has given me is the tools to deal with anything that comes my way sober and with grace. Here is some wise advice my sponsor gave me "Don't drink, not even if your ass falls off."

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Self-Esteem

I work through my stuff differently than some people. Instead of continually looking at the root of an issue,  I look at where that root is affecting me in life today. I already know where the root of most of my stuff comes from and to think that I can pull out an entire tree that has completely formed who I am is ridiculous. I have also found that sometimes it's not a deep issue at all and that the correction is as simple as pulling off a dead leaf. The more I do this the more my self-esteem grows.

I am seeing that the  stuff we go through as children greatly affects out self esteem. As adults we have a chance to work on that. We get self esteem by doing esteem able stuff.

I am really working on self-esteem these days - I'm also working on staying in the moment and like 100% other things...but self-esteem is for sure on the top of my list.


Monday, December 1, 2014

No More Babies

Today I went to get my tubes tied.  There was a mix up with my insurance and it didn't happen. After eight hours of not eating or drinking and mentally preparing myself for surgery finding out it wasn't going to happen (at least not today) brought up all sorts of emotions.

I have not always been responsible when it come to birth control, and me getting my tubes tied was my way of being responsible for my own body. So on one note not having it happen today was very disappointing.

With that being said, in the car on the way there I started to freak out...what if I meet someone and they want kids. The happiest time of my life was when the boys were little. I absolutely loved raising them. So today when I asked myself if I was positive that I didn't want anymore kids I couldn't answer with 100%  certainty that I didn't. Then the surgery didn't end up happening....Odd or God?

I am pretty damn sure I don't want any more kids. Really, I am! But I'll be honest today I spooked a little bit. I need to look at that a bit more. My surgery is rescheduled for the 23rd. Lets see if it's in Gods plan for me then.


Here's a questions for you ... Does the maternal part of us always have a bit of longing for another baby? Does that ever completely go away?