As a suicide attempt survivor, and also having lost my own Father to suicide, this topic is very near and dear to my heart. I'm 35 years old and so very lucky to be sitting here writing this. I have had 3 very serious suicide attempts over the past few years, each time landing me in the ICU fighting for my precious life. Each time I tried to kill myself, I failed. Was there something more this world needed me around to finish?Almost two years ago, I was on death's doorstep. I got extremely depressed and took 14 full bottles of prescription pills and anything else l could find that would put me out of my misery. I felt like I was all alone, floating on a rickety raft sinking in the far-out ocean. That is just how horrible and real my sadness felt to me. I had plenty of loved ones around and close, none of that mattered....I simply wanted the pain to stop.
As soon as I downed the last bottle I realized that I was going to die. I reached out to my twin sister, and her and my brother-in-law, Matt, rushed over, scooped me up and took me to the emergency room.
When I was admitted to the ER, I was still somewhat coherent and they immediately had me drink lots of activated charcoal; cups and cups full. I was then starting to become so out of it that I was having the charcoal pour all down my mouth and chin. Then, that's about the time things got really bad. I had to have tubes placed down my throat to pump my stomach and tubes up my nose-- I honestly don't even know what all was done to me, and maybe that is for the best.
I was then quickly rushed to the ICU (intensive car unit) on what I guess was the cardiac side. My heart was giving up and stopping; everything in my body was quickly shutting down as my body laid there preparing to die. I went into a deep coma and all I know is that they were constantly working on me, for days and days, to get me stable.
In the time I was in the ICU, I had the best doctors, nurses and room sitters (people employed through the hospital who watch you every second). I am not sure what day I woke up from the coma. But, I couldn't eat because the tubes hurt my throat and tummy so much. I couldn't walk; everything hurt. My eyes were so dilated they were solid black and I could hardly see anything. Physical therapists had to help me walk again. My friends and family all flooded my room with love and support to bring me back to life. This was right before Christmas 2012 and my room was literally blanketed in pure Christmas joy; trees, holiday flowers, nutcrackers, etc, as I was fighting hard to survive what I had done to myself. Just to recall those long days in an area of the hospital where most people don't walk out alive from, is seriously chilling.
Fast forward to Christmas Day 2012, my most favorite day of the year! A room sitter colored my nose tube tape red so I looked like Rudolph; that was amazing. The doctor came in and we went over what my daily life would be like from there. Her words as I recall were, " Merry Christmas. I want you to know that you are very lucky and blessed, as most people admitted here in the ICU with cardiac arrest, do not walk out of this hospital alive. " I think about that every single day of my life.
I'm sorry to have put my loved ones through this.
Jenny, my twin sister, had taken these photos, and I'm so thankful for the reminder of the worst times in my life and just how far I have come. One of my favorite yoga instructors once said, "The biggest the challenge or obstacle, the bigger the transformation." Well, boy do I have one strong comeback!
I have always loved the holidays. Christmas has a new meaning for me; I'm alive. I can help people with what I have learned in my recovery.One huge help in my recovery was to start DBT therapy. This is nothing crazy, it's just another way to retrain your brain to think and react to things without being impulsive. I highly suggest this to anyone struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts. Also, I found a love of yoga and meditation. I now start every day with a yoga class! I have started eating better and truly nourishing my body with food, instead of turning to my compulsive binge over-eating to cope with the myriad disappointments and stress in life. I also transformed my once very negative thinking to using the power of the law of attraction; like thoughts attract like thoughts. Between dbt therapy, yoga & meditation, eating healthier and using the law of attraction, I have 100% turned my life around.
I'm literally the luckiest woman to ever grace this lovely planet.
What a beautiful difference a little time makes!
Sunday, November 9, 2014
A Ray of Light
Christie is part of my much loved yoga family. She is a true ray of light. May her story of recovery bring hope and love to your heart. Thank you, Christie for sharing your story. I love you.