Sunday, November 23, 2014

7 years ago...

I always feel like I need to say something brilliant and profound on my sobriety date. I don't really have much - but here is an attempt

7 years ago I had no job, no friends and no self esteem. I was broken to the core. I can proudly say that is not the case anymore. This morning when I got my chip I was surrounded by people that love me...friends! Tomorrow I will go to a job that I absolutely love...job! I know my worth and can set healthy boundaries...self-esteem!

Thank you for all of your love and support. Words can not explain how important you guys have been to my sobriety!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I was that Girl

This weekend at one of my events we had a little hiccup. The night was going wonderfully, everyone is calm and happy and then.......

A very intoxicated woman takes a tumble down our stairs (luckily we were not the ones who over served her) Here she is on the stairs, crying and confused and completely lost. I held her and rocked her back and forth as she cried in my arms - so sad :( Once 911 arrived  Firemen do what they normally do with intoxicated people....5 firemen in your face asking you questions does not help matters - I know this because as the title of this post says, I was that girl. It took me back to a place I never want to go again.

As I come up on 7 years of sobriety I find myself forgetting what it was life. I NEVER want to underestimated the horrible shape I was in before I got sober - Losing my mind, in and out of institutions, driving drunk, wanting to die...It was horrible and going back there is not a choice for me.

This weekend I had a glimpse at the life I've left behind....probably just what I needed.  

Friday, November 14, 2014

Through my Childs Eyes

Gavin --------------
Ms. Lucky
English I Period 4
28 October 2014
Road to Recovery
When I was growing my Mom was a major drinker. She got her second DUI  when I was  only 6. She spent a couple weeks in jail. When I was 7 she decided to stop drinking because if she got another DUI she would spend years in prison and never be able to drive again. This led her to take a road to recovery.

My Mom like most alcoholics had an incrediblely  hard time giving up what helped  her keep herself together. Her sponsor Nancy helped her get through this hard part of her life. Nancy is an older woman who has been in recover upwards of 40 years. Until my Mom could reestablished herself and gets her license back she would go to 1 or 2 AA meeting a day.  Going to this many meeting really help her thrive in life. 

She started a website called to help other alcoholic’s mom get through their struggles. She would blog daily and her website progressively got more and more popular. She was put in an article for People Magazine about her story. She was also on a episode of Dr. Phil talking to help other alcoholic women. She later starred in a documentary about other alcoholic mom called Lipstick and Liquor.

Until my Mom got her car back times were very hard when I was living with her. We were very poor and could hardly afford food. As soon as my mom got back on her feet she started to work for Bill Johnson’s Big Apple where she found herself loving her job as there Event Coordinator. She loved her job because they feed minor league for baseball teams during spring training. For me,  being a giant baseball fan, this was a dream.  I go to hang out in the Cub’s Club house and talk to baseball player it was amazing.

After 2 years of working for Bill Johnson’s Big Apple she realized that the restaurant was going to have to close soon. So she bravely quit and started her own business called ETC. by Emily. It an employment/concierge company. My mom said that “She will make 100,000 dollars per year within the first 5 years of start of her business”. She is still trying to get  but with her skill I believe that she will be able to do it.

When I was younger I didn’t truly understand everything my Mom has gone through. Now that I do I have very much respect for how and how hard she has work to become the person that she is today. I’m proud that she has overcame every obstacle that has gotten in her way whether it be drinking, smoking or finding a job. I’m just proud to say she’s my Mom! 

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Depression Sucks

JLately have been suffering from a little bit of depression. NOTHING like the depressions that I have had in the past - thank God! It is mild and I'm not even sure I would notice except that these days I am decently in tune with myself physically and emotionally.

My life is great right now - amazing actually! The dreams and goals that I have set for myself are all being accomplished. I am happy and grateful. No reason to be depressed....right!? 

Well, I wish someone would tell my depression that! How do I even know that I'm depressed? I'm a little more tired than normal, a bit more distracted. Depression tired is not like normal tired...if you suffer from depression you probably know what I mean. 

I am watching it carefully. Sometimes depression happens when I am processing something - consciously or subconsciously. Like the grief cycle it does what it needs to do in order to heal and then the depression lifts. Then there's the other kind of depression, the one that takes a med change to pull out of.

That's the tricky part  - is my current depression situational and will it pass on it's own? Or is it clinical and time to readjust my anti-depression? (yes, I take one. I tried a year without it and spent almost the entire year on the couch) 

For now Easy Does It.....Yoga, meetings, naps, prayer and meditation. 

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Settling - ever single persons fear.

 I was talking to my mom the other day and we were discussing finding a partner. I'm coming to see that as you get older there's a decent amount of compromising that needs to occur. Instead of shooting for that 'Oh my God, take your breath away, I can't believe I found him, lusty love that last like five start looking for a companion..someone who has the same morals and goals as you - someone who would make a good partner. This transition is hard for me to swallow. But as I sit here 10 years after my divorce still single I am seeing that what I truly want is a companion - someone to grow with. 

With that being said I'd rather be alone than be with someone just because they are a "good choice"  I'm up for compromising and realizing that people aren't perfect - but out and out settling is out of the question.

I'm a little bit cranky today - sorry for the relationship rant. 

A Ray of Light

Christie is part of my much loved yoga family. She is a true ray of light. May her story of recovery bring hope and love to your heart. Thank you, Christie for sharing your story. I love you. 

As a suicide attempt survivor, and also having lost my own Father to suicide, this topic is very near and dear to my heart. I'm 35 years old and so very lucky to be sitting here writing this. I have had 3 very serious suicide attempts over the past few years, each time landing me in the ICU fighting for my precious life. Each time I tried to kill myself, I failed. Was there something more this world needed me around to finish?
Almost two years ago, I was on death's doorstep. I got extremely depressed and took 14 full bottles of prescription pills and anything else l could find that would put me out of my misery. I felt like I was all alone, floating on a rickety raft sinking in the far-out ocean. That is just how horrible and real my sadness felt to me. I had plenty of loved ones around and close, none of that mattered....I simply wanted the pain to stop.

As soon as I downed the last bottle I realized that I was going to die. I reached out to my twin sister, and her and my brother-in-law, Matt, rushed over, scooped me up and took me to the emergency room.

When I was admitted to the ER, I was still somewhat coherent and they immediately had me drink lots of activated charcoal; cups and cups full. I was then starting to become so out of it that I was having the charcoal pour all down my mouth and chin. Then, that's about the time things got really bad. I had to have tubes placed down my throat to pump my stomach and tubes up my nose-- I honestly don't even know what all was done to me, and maybe that is for the best.

I was then quickly rushed to the ICU (intensive car unit) on what I guess was the cardiac side. My heart was giving up and stopping; everything in my body was quickly shutting down as my body laid there preparing to die. I went into a deep coma and all I know is that they were constantly working on me, for days and days, to get me stable.

In the time I was in the ICU, I had the best doctors, nurses and room sitters (people employed through the hospital who watch you every second). I am not sure what day I woke up from the coma. But, I couldn't eat because the tubes hurt my throat and tummy so much. I couldn't walk; everything hurt. My eyes were so dilated they were solid black and I could hardly see anything. Physical therapists had to help me walk again. My friends and family all flooded my room with love and support to bring me back to life. This was right before Christmas 2012 and my room was literally blanketed in pure Christmas joy; trees, holiday flowers, nutcrackers, etc, as I was fighting hard to survive what I had done to myself. Just to recall those long days in an area of the hospital where most people don't walk out alive from, is seriously chilling.

Fast forward to Christmas Day 2012, my most favorite day of the year! A room sitter colored my nose tube tape red so I looked like Rudolph; that was amazing. The doctor came in and we went over what my daily life would be like from there. Her words as I recall were, " Merry Christmas. I want you to know that you are very lucky and blessed, as most people admitted here in the ICU with cardiac arrest, do not walk out of this hospital alive. " I think about that every single day of my life.

I'm sorry to have put my loved ones through this.

Jenny, my twin sister, had taken these photos, and I'm so thankful for the reminder of the worst times in my life and just how far I have come. One of my favorite yoga instructors once said, "The biggest the challenge or obstacle, the bigger the transformation." Well, boy do I have one strong comeback!

I have always loved the holidays. Christmas has a new meaning for me; I'm alive. I can help people with what I have learned in my recovery.
One huge help in my recovery was to start DBT therapy. This is nothing crazy, it's just another way to retrain your brain to think and react to things without being impulsive. I highly suggest this to anyone struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts. Also, I found a love of yoga and meditation. I now start every day with a yoga class! I have started eating better and truly nourishing my body with food, instead of turning to my compulsive binge over-eating to cope with the myriad disappointments and stress in life. I also transformed my once very negative thinking to using the power of the law of attraction; like thoughts attract like thoughts. Between dbt therapy, yoga & meditation, eating healthier and using the law of attraction, I have 100% turned my life around.

I'm literally the luckiest woman to ever grace this lovely planet.

What a beautiful difference a little time makes!

Happy Holidays! 

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Easy Does It........

I am forcing myself to relax and sit on the couch until my event at 5:00. I am answering phone calls and emails...but I am doing so from the couch. This is hard for me to do - I almost feel guilty about it which is ridiculous because I am exhausted and I know it is what I need.

It is event season in my world. I eat, breath and sleep events from October until June. I dream about them when I sleep, and normally wake up fearing that I have forgot one (praying before I go to bed will probably help that one) and when I am not at one I am doing the planning, staffing, etc. for the next one. I love what I do.....but I can only do what I do if I stay healthy....

So couch time it is!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Asking for what I want/need....

In my life I am trying to communicate my wants and needs clearly.  It isn't anyone else's responsibility to take care of my needs or wants but it is certainly my responsibility to communicate them clearly - as I have found that if I don't I end up unfairly pissed at someone and they have no reason why. That leads to resentments and we all know that resentments are disastrous for alcoholics.

So here's the deal and this may sound spoiled and bratty - but this is my blog and I will be a brat if I want...when I ask someone (especially someone I am in a romantic relationship with or thinking of being in a romantic relationship with) for what I want or need (and it is within reason) for the first time in my life I expect them to do it...WHY? Because I would do it for them...and  I am  worth at least what I am willing to give. Simple as that. 

I have had habit of putting myself on sale (for lack of a better term) I would fit into their life instead of someone fitting into mine, I have readjusted schedules and comprised what I needed and wanted. Part of the reason is this...I don't really care. I don't really care if we hang out at your house instead of mine, I don't really care if we do what you want to do most of the time and I don't really mind adjusting my schedule. I haven't cared until I care. 

If you are lucky enough (my self-esteem returning) to be the person I am vulnerable enough that I share my wants and needs - think about doing it - I am worth it - and I would do it for you!  

Monday, November 3, 2014


I'm on my way to what I call a triage meeting. It's like AA ER. I allowed myself to get irritable, restless and discontent. When I go to meetings on a regular basis this rarely if ever happens. When I go to one meeting a week and one thing goes wrong in my life it sends me into a tail spin.  

Meeting is starting..... 

Sunday, November 2, 2014


It's my least favorite emotion. The feeling of being angry actually scares me. I feel like if I opened up and let out how angry I truly am it would be a mess! I have always seen anger as a kind of self-pity. How could I possibly be super angry about the experiences I have gone through in my life and be grateful at the same time? 

So for just a moment I'm going to allow myself a moment of anger and self-pity… I have been through some things in my life that are pretty horrible and I've wanted to asked God..."Are you fucking kidding me? How did you ever expect for one girl to get through all of that?!....See it does sound like self-pity. 

I did get through it - but not without a shit load of bruising.

If anyone has any advice on releasing anger in a healthy way I would be glad to take it!