Thursday, October 30, 2014

Breaking the Cycle

There were/are things I need to know that I could do in a relationship in order to move forward in any sort of healthy anything. The first was that I could end a serious relationship if I had to - and the other was that I could end a potential relationship the minute I figured out that there was a deal breaker.

For me getting "stuck" in a relationship I don't want to be in is one of my greatest fears. It has happened and I don't want it to happen again. My ability to trust that I have the strength and courage to remove myself from an unhealthy situation is critical, as I believe it will greatly impact my future relationships.

I will eventually have to learn to stay in a relationship even when boundaries have been crossed, or they are annoying the hell out of me, or whatever... but that's a later lesson - for now I am just practicing trusting myself.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Friends First

Today I did my 5th step on the 4th step I did a few post back. I found out something very important...I'm not half as screwed up as I thought I was. YEAH! (I do have some work ahead of me, but the good news is that without even knowing I have been making steps in the right direction)

I have dated one way most of my life. It looked something like this...boy meets girl, boy kisses girl on 2nd or 3rd date, boy and girl are now in a relationship...It's how it has always gone - some call it 'falling' which for me is complete's actually lust and the life span on it is about 3 months. I have done this A LOT of times, and I am over it.

I've been told numerous time that you learn to date my dating - so if someone I kinda like asks me out I'll go....but a friendship needs to be built first. Men aren't really loving that idea, but that's tough.

My heart is special and I'm not just handing it over to anyone.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

A Catch

In my life I have been told that I am a "catch" I've never really let that sink in as normally the person telling me is a man that I just met .... and really what I want to say is "How do you know?" But I don't, I just say thank you.

Last night was one of the first times that I felt maybe I was a catch, maybe I am special..defects and all.

I don't know how to explain what is special about me....I go to say that I'm laid back and to some extent that is true - but it's more than that. During my marriage I was so high strung - I bossed him around, worried about shit that totally didn't matter, and had to have control over every situation. I'm not that person anymore - thank God.

I have some work to do when it comes to my romantic relationships. But I think that work may be a little bit easier now that I see as far as chicks go I'm a pretty cool one - if I do say so

Friday, October 17, 2014

No Filters

I am finding myself very conscious of what I blog these days. I don't want any old boys to get their feelings hurt - and  I don't want any new ones to see that I have issues with boys. Nor do I want to be ask what the hell cool sculpting is?

But then remember that I made a choice to live my life out loud. I made the decision to share my pain, happiness and growth whatever it maybe. Waiting till my life and blog are all perfect and healthy isn't an option. That's not real life.

I have a date tonight - which is probably the worst idea ever. But maybe it isn't. Maybe it's a chance for me to learn to date without mentally taking it halfway down the aisle.

Anyway I'll tell you all about my date tomorrow.  Regardless of how the company is we're going for desserts so no matter what it can't suck that badly. 

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Pain = Growth

They say that pain equals growth. I hope that this is true. I am in a decent amount of emotional pain right now. It seems that a can of whoop ass was open on Friday and I can't seem to get the lid back on.

Sunday I took a deep breath and asked the advice of another alcoholic....that is of course after signing up for to try and fill the void - seriously!? Cause trying to fix the issue with more of the exact same issue always works great!

Anyway back to the advice of the other alcoholic...she asked if I had ever done a mini 4th step on relationships (4th step is taking a inventory) I said "no" and asked her if I had to go all the way back to my Dad (who is probably the root of these issues)  she loving said "no." Thank God! She suggested that I inventory all of my relationships since my divorce. I started the work this morning and right away saw a pattern that was upsetting. That's the thing about having a bit of time in can see your own shit. I only got a little bit of it done today - as I found it very uncomfortable work! Baby steps.

Here's the deal with doing painful work - it is alway, always worth it. God has shown me this time and time again. I trust the process of the steps. So I will do my work. I will face and look at things that may make me uncomfortable or upset, because God is trying to clear the way for something great - I have full faith in that.

This too shall pass.

Pearl MedSpa and Cool Sculpting

Over the last 5 years something has happened to my body that I am totally not loving. I would like to blame it on the fact I have had kids - but I can't - as I had a perfectly flat stomach up until I was 35. But at 35 something happened - like my metabolism came to a screeching halt. Cellulite, fat and weight that I had never dealt with before showed up. Uggg.....

Fat, lets talk about it...I mean lets REALLY talk about it. Normally when my "fat" is bothering me it is because I am packing on some extra weight. Extra weight = fat...Right?! But what about when you don't have any extra weight? What about when you've worked your ass of (in my case literally..squats needed!) When you've eaten as healthy as you possible can, and you still have fat - what then?? Do you just except that it is what it is and move on.....UMM-NO....not if you are me. I'm not looking to be perfect. But what I am looking for is to put on whatever t-shirt or tank top I want and not have a muffin top or side handles...plain and simple- that's what I want.

I do not have the money or time for liposuction - it isn't a option. But I did hear about this procedure called "cool sculpting" - a machine that literally freezers your fat, allowing your body to release it naturally over time. Seriously! Sounds like a magic machine to me!

I have been given the opportunity to have this procedure done by Pearl MedSpa and to write an open and honest review on the experience. The girls at Pearl MedSpa have been amazing, knowledgeable and kind. When I shared about my alcoholism the love I received was untouchable. I feel at ease every time I walk in there - which is good because I'll be walking in there quite a bit in the next few weeks! 

I am excited to share this journey with you! I can't wait to tell you all about the "magic machine" Picture coming soon! 

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Bring yesterday into Today

I had a terrible day at work yesterday. Most of it was of my own doing, which always sucks. Even though I have looked at what can be corrected, it's still screwing with my serenity. A few minutes ago I looked at when the last time I went to a meeting was - Um last Sunday, really?! I'm sure there are  people in the world that can go to a meeting every now and then - I am not one of them. It annoys me when it's an afterthought. I've always had a rough time with the fact that when I'm at my busiest, when I have the most on my plate is when I need a meeting the most. Here I am with a  million things going on and I have this stupid disease that makes me stop everything I'm doing - and go to a meeting. The very thing I don't feel like doing is the absolute thing that I must. It sucks sometimes. Really I want to just lay in bed all day and watch Netflix, but the fact is that will not help my crazy thinking. Off to a meeting! 

Friday, October 10, 2014

Moving Right along..,,

Lunch went great yesterday. Thank you to those of you who prayed for me. It's tough talking business in an anxiety ridden state - but I did it and it went perfectly. I got one of my clients a very large opportunity that they wouldn't of had otherwise...  I asked for a courage commission...FUNNY!!! Lol

When the relationship (or whatever you want to call it) with {{we need a funny name for him}}  ended I went to my sponsor to talk about it and she said words that I probably will never forget, she said "you still have a sweet heart, protect it." I understand what she was saying. Each time I let my heart get hurt it hardens just a little bit. One of the special things about me is that I still have the ability to love at a huge level. I still have my heart to give, it isn't complety broken (some cracks maybe but I have faith that those can be filled with love) For now my heart is safely in Gods hands. I trust him to protect it and know that when the time is right my prince will come (yes, I very much have a 12 little girl inside me) 

Off to work! Xo 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Sick Excitment

Tomorrow I am having a business lunch with an x-boyfriend. If you know me than you know that my x's are some of my best friends - this one is not. Not really because he's a jerk or because he did anything wrong, but because our friendship only ends up in one place - and it isn't at the dinner table...sometime on the table but not at the table - if you know what I mean. (Sorry Mom!)

I am having some serious anxiety over this. It resembles the feeling of sick excitement that I use to love during my drinking days. I'm not liking it at all. The truth is I'm really excited to see him ....okay the real truth is I'm really excited for him to see me. I have worked really hard on looking my best  over the last month and I feel very good about myself. There is a very big part of me that wants him to be sorry. Even though he wasn't a complete jerk, I did allow him to be treat me in a totally unacceptable way. I'll cut myself a break on that one, as he was my first boyfriend in sobriety.

That's really all I have to say. I felt that writing about it may help.

Please wish me peace and serenity tomorrow - as I will need it!

Monday, October 6, 2014


Today I had a moment that took my breath away - I love and care about the women I work with in sobriety to an almost indescribable level. I am protective of them - sometimes overly so. I have this maternal instinct to take care of them. With that being said I am also extremely hard on them. The work I ask them to do is often extremely painful. But they do it, most of the time with very little griping. 

They are courageous and I love them.

 If you are trying to get sober and you don't have a sponsor I strongly suggest you get one. It is one of the most wonderful relationships you will ever have in your life. 

Saturday, October 4, 2014


A friend wrote a blog post the other day about options and how they aren't alway that great of a thing. I try so hard to stay opened and flexible in most areas of my life. I want everything to be by Gods design and in order for that to happen I have to leave the outcome of situations up to The Lord. With that being said I think I may have been too loose at times looking at everything as an option, when the fact is that it isn't. 

Dating a man who doesn't believe in God- not an option. Lying or cheating to further my career- not an option. Putting anything in front of my children-not an option. Moving to Antarctica- not option. I think you get my point. 

As obvious as it sounds that those things wouldn't be an option I still tend to find myself negotiating with things that really should have a hard line.

Just the mindset of something not being an option has truly truly changed my life over last few days.

Getting a new perspective on things is always an option!

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Helping Others

I have been a little bit torn about which direction to go in my life lately, I have so many amazing opportunities in front of me. I have prayed numerous times over the last few months to help me with my path. 

Something happened today that reminded me of why I started this blog. When I got sober I was more lonely than I could ever described. My insides felt like shattered glass. I started this blog and I went public so nobody else would ever have to feel that lonely.

I had the opportunity to tell somebody my story this afternoon. She shared her experience of seeing the Dr. Phil show I was on and shared with me how it had affected her. 

I sometimes forget that my true job in life is to help other people. If I was asked what my one purpose on earth was, the answer would be - to be of service. I sometimes forget that but today I got a beautiful reminder.