Friday, June 27, 2014

Asking for help

I have every reason to be in fear right now - I am financially living one day at a time (again) but I'm not in fear. I've been here before  and my faith has gotten me through (and a ton of help from my family and friends) 

I will admit I do have "the voice" the one that sounds like this "for Godsake you are 40 years old, get your shit together. There's no reason you should still be needing help" But the fact is everyone needs help - it may not always  be financial - it may be spiritual, emotional or physical - but everyone needs it. 

Asking is tough. Infact asking for help may be one of the hardest things I have to do (the voice doesn't help) Right now in my life I have no choice but to ask for help. I know I'm doing everything I can. Like my last post said "I am trying" 

How many of you need help, but are scared to ask? 

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Dash

I got asked an interesting question today....What would your head stone say? Good Mom? Genuine and caring person? I didn't really know how to answer it right off the bat - but it did get me thinking.....

Isn't it really about the dash. What have I accomplished in the time God has given me on earth. Have I been kind? Have I been loving and empathetic to people who are suffering? Did I try not to judge what I didn't  understand. Did I take the lessons God gave me and help people with that wisdom? Did I let my heart lead even though that can be painful. Did I live a life that I can be proud of?

The answer to all of the above is ... sometimes...but the fact is I try. If at the end of each day I can at least say I genuinely tried than that is good enough for me.

Emily Sadler
Everyday she woke up and tried to be the best person she could be.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014


I've had some back to back hard days lately. At this point in my recovery I know they are temporary and that they will pass. I didn't always know that - I use to think bad days would last forever. They don't. I know that today. But that does not stop them from sucking. 

There's nothing really "wrong" going on in my life - I'm just feeling very flat line. For a girl who was always chasing chaos and drama flat line can be a pretty uncomfortable place. I realize that it is me growing in recovery. I get it - but just because I get it doesn't mean I like it.  

Trudging - I hate that word - but I suppose it is what I am doing right now. 

Thursday, June 12, 2014

The time this blog saved my life.....

I had a meeting today that turned out nothing like I thought it would be. It started out having nothing to do with this blog - and ended with this blog, along with Lipstick and Liquor and the other pieces of media I have done being the main discussion.

When I was sharing about I got to the point in its story where it truly saved my sanity. If you've followed this blog over the years then you know that I went through a very rough patch right after the Dr. Phil show aired. It was like a emotional perfect storm. There are a few times in sobriety that had I not been sober I would have needed to be institutionalized - and that was one of them. I could hardly leave the house, and putting words and thoughts together was nearly impossible. I blogged through it. I logged on and blogged. Sometimes it was just a quote, but I said something - I believe it stopped me from getting completely and totally  trapped in my own mind.

Today at me meeting I said "When I started I didn't care if it helped 1 person or a million - I just wanted it help someone - and during that time it was okay that was just me" When it came out of my mouth I was reminded how special this blog is.

Thank you - thank all of you and please know that there was a time (more that 1 one actually) that you truly kept me sober and sane....and for that I am so, so grateful.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Dear God,

I am sorry - Yesterday I was frustrated, and lashed out at you. I felt like I had asked you for help on a specific situation so many times that it was my right to get frustrated with you. Thank you for loving me anyway. And thank you for listening.

It is two hours before my meeting and I am showered, packed and I have prayed - that is proof that not only did you hear me but you were listened. Thank you for giving me the motivatation to change what is frustrating me in my life.

Is it weird to say that you are my favorite thing ever? Anyway - you are! 

I love you and thanks again! 


Tuesday, June 3, 2014


In the beginning of sobriety I spent a huge amount of time on my knees in front of my bed...not sitting up in a prayer like manner...but slumped over the bed in a state of complete surrender. I had had it. Mentally, spiritually and physically I was so uncomfortable that there truly was nothing else I could do but pray. If the truth be told it was much more like begging that praying...but whatever works! And it did work, it truly did.

I was thinking today about how infrequently I actually hit my knees these days.  For a girl who spend her first hear of sobriety slumped over her bed in a state of surrender you'd like I'd hit them a little more often.

Note to self:
You are not too busy to hit your knees everyday!