Tuesday, April 22, 2014

A Woman's Love

I can't remember the last time that I was in love. Okay, so that's a lie- I actually can. I got crushed. The story is on this blog. Heartbreaks in sobriety are a shitty deal. But that heartbreak taught me something amazing - actually a whole lot of amazing things. It taught me that I could go through excruciating pain and not drink, it taught me that I didn't need to get another boyfriend to heal the pain and that in fact I needed to do exactly the opposite. It showed me what co-dependancy was. And through the healing process I learned that I never have to be codependent on another human being again. I learned that I was women of  grace and strength. I wouldn't change one minute of that heartbreak. And I would go through it all over again in order to walk away with the lessons and wisdom that I learned.

With that being said there is one hurdle that I am facing - I am petrified to love that way again. I reread something today that totally helped me to understand why I would be scared.

I am this girl once I am completely and totally in love....

Nothing on this planet can compare to with a woman's love. It is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet - unconditional. Pure. If you are her man she will walk on water and through a mountain for you too, no matter how you've acted out, no matter what crazy things you've done, no matter the time or demand. She will encourage you when you are at rock bottom and think there isn't any way out.  Hold you in her arms when you were sick and laugh with you when you are up. And if you're her man and that woman loves you - I mean really loves you - she will shine you up when you are dusty, encourage you when you are down, defend you even when she's not sure you are right, and hang on your every word, even when you're not saying anything worth listening to. No matter what you do, or what you say she will give you her very best, and then some, and then keep right on giving. That is a women's  love it stand the test of time, logic, and all circumstances.

See scary........



Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Unmanageability


This is my laundry pile. Talk about unmanagability at its finest. I have come so far in so many ways - but then I look around and there's still a decent amount of unmanageability in my life - even at six years of sobriety. And you know what? That's okay! 

I'm not going to say I don't beat myself up about it sometimes, but the fact of the matter is if I'm chipping away at what I need to improve on, that's good enough!  

So I'm back to one load of laundry ever day. As Fly Lady would say "One load a day keeps the chaos away!"

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Change

I always think that I have to take all of this action to change something. But the truth is I don't. I need to pray about it. Any change that stands a chance of being consistent or continual needs to come from God. 

For years and years I would try so hard to change all of these things in my life, continually failing - leaving me completely disappointed in myself. 

I don't know when the shift took place, but suddenly I realize that I was actually incapable of changing one little hair on my head without the grace of God. I would try, and try, and try, and fail every time. Very often the disappointment would lead to a depressions. 

I think as alcoholics we are so hard on ourselves. The idea that we need to be perfect and should be able to conquer the entire world is in most of us. 

I suppose that's where  powerlessness comes in -  for me I kind of go about it like this...I have an idea of what I want to do or what I want to change -  but the inspiration, intuitive thought and drive to actually accomplish it comes from God.  That way when I can't change something on my own or in the 5 seconds I give myself,  I know that it's in God's timing and not mine. it helps me be kinder to myself.

I'm sort of rambling today. I guess the moral of my story is change starts with with prayer. 🙏 

Saturday, April 5, 2014

64 Days of Yoga



It wasn't like I meant to set that long or large of a goal. It actually happened by accident. On February 1st I Facebooked that I was going to "set a goal" to do yoga everyday until my 40th Birthday. It was just a goal I was shooting for. I had no idea it was one I was going to accomplish. But I did, I did accomplish it. Here's what happened to push me from the mind set of "I'll try" to the mind set of "I will go to yoga everyday regardless of how busy I am, what else is going on, or whether on not I feel like it" I posted on Facebook everyday of my journey and on about day 5 someone commented that it was nice to see someone do what they said they were going to do....I knew at this that point that I was going to accomplish my goal. It became a top priority.

I won't lie - the first 20 days were rough. Teaching my brain to stop making excuses was hard. You know that BS dialogue that our brains play. I'll go tomorrow, I'll go to a later class, I set a goal - I don't really have to go everyday...blah-blah-blah. The mental fight to get up and to get in the room, even though I know every time I walk out of the yoga room I feel better, it was still hard to get up and go everyday.

Then something shifted, my brain stopped making excuses, and instead would set my day around which yoga class I was going to attend. Four days ago I got sick -not deathly sick, but sick. Yoga was the last thing I wanted to do - but I went anyway. I took it easier, but I went.

I have always considered myself to be decently undisciplined. The past 64 days have taught me that this is absolutely incorrect. When I mean business it will get done. On my intention list for this year I wrote -to have my perfect body by 40- And by perfect I don't mean what you see in a magazine, I don't mean the body I had at 20, or even 30 for that matter. I mean a body of a woman, a woman who has curves, a woman who is comfortable not only on the outside but even more importantly on the inside. I wanted to walk into my 40th year at the top of my game with as much pride, grace, and dignity as I possible could.

Happy Birthday to me!