Thursday, December 26, 2013

"I'm one bad date away from bitter" -Carrie Bradshaw

My 6th Year

I am not one to predict the outcome of things, as I believe that in doing so you are absolutely setting your self up for failure. But I'm going to sorta, kinda predict that the 6th year of my sobriety is going to be one of great growth. And growth ain't always comfortable. I can feel this inner fire in me that is willing to take care of some things that I just wasn't ready to deal with before. I have this new found strength, and passion, not sure where it came from, but I am going to run with it. There are some things in my life that I am absolutely sick of....and it's time I chip away at them.  

I know how to start....

Dear God,
Help.
Amen 

                        

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Christmas 2013

This year we went skiing for Christmas. Something that we just may make into a tradition, being that there was no one on the mountain. It was wonderful to spend more than 10 minutes with my teenagers. With our hectic busy lives it's hard to get everyone in the same place at the same time. I feel truly blessed.

Merry Christmas to all! Xo

Sunday, December 22, 2013

🙏 I pray that when or if depression sets in that you remember it is just your inner spirit growing - and on the other side is always, always something beautiful. Amen

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Where my heart is.....

I think I'm ready to blog about what happened in my love life over the past few months. I met a guy that I really liked - for it being short, quick, and painful I guess we could even call it love. I feel, quick, and hard...flags flew, and I would feel a lot  better if I could say that I just ignored them, but I didn't - I allowed him to talk me out of them. When broken becomes intriguing, and the sick "high" from a combative relationship reminds you of your drinking days, running would be good - but that isn't what happened...it did end, but not half as quick as it should have.

The sad truth is it damaged me a little bit. It completely changed my feeling about what I wanted...I've always wanted happily ever after, take your breath away love - but I found myself crying the other day when I realized that right now in my life that seem like more work than it is worth. :( 

                     
   

Friday, December 20, 2013

Opinions - everyone has one!

I rarely blog about my opinions on "hot topics" and I'll tell you why .. Normally it's because I don't give a shit enough to have an opinion, and I certainly don't care enough to debate about them. When I was out there drinking I flipping cared and had a opinion on EVERYTHING and would defend until the end. In sobriety I care about my friends and my family, and helping others - really that's about it. 

Whether or not some red neck Duck dude shared his opinion and pissed people off really doesn't bug or affect me in anyway. I will say my opinion on it  is that saying what he said did nothing but boost his fame, and I have a decent amount of respect for the fact his family is standing behind him.  With that being said, I think he seems like sort of a nut job. But I guess it takes one to know one! Lol

There! I share my opinion, someone called me a wimp today for not.  And he was right, it's time for me to throw a little bit more of Emily into emilyism.com! 

Monday, December 16, 2013

From Attitude to Gratitude

                     


Today had all of the makings for a huge pity-party. I got 4 cavities filled, I got a ticket, and all I had to look forward in the evening was going to Gavin's 8th grade choir program alone, again. Self-pity almost seemed fair - like really?! What a shitty day.... Then something happened, like it normally does - reality and gratitude set in.....

I finally have the money and insurance to get my teeth fixed, I lost the privilege to drive for 2 years, so really a ticket ain't no big thing, and as for the concert it was adorable and there wasn't one part of me that wanted to be any other place on this planet that right where I was. 

Perception is a beautiful thing. 



A Beautiful Life....

I live a beautiful life. It is perfect for me. Yes, there things that I could improve upon. But if you didn't have things to work on then wouldn't life be pretty boring. I am exactly when I am suppose to be. 

Friday, December 13, 2013

The beginning...

The first days, really the first months in sobriety are painfully lonely, and scary. How is one going to give up the very thing that they believe kept them happy -or at least numb- How is a person who every though and plan has something to do with alcohol possible going to put the bottle down and live in any other state than constantly craze alcohol? When the joyous, happy and free thing they promise in sobriety seems so unobtainable that going one day without alcohol, much less a life time, seems like life's over. But I promise that it is worth it! I promise that it is easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. 

I don't know one sober alcoholic that can't relate to the above paragraph. Please let that sentence help to make you feel less alone. You are understood, even the things you are hiding or ashamed of have been done by countless alcoholics. Reach out...ask for help...comment on here...send me a email - but do not sit at home thinking you're alone, cause you're not. 


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I'm Fine




I posted this on my Facebook page today - with the status...Today I am fine. Tomorrow will be better. I try to be really positive on my social platforms. But I also don't want to be a bullshitter. When I'm having a hard time I need to admit it, and share the solution of how I got past it. Sharing only the sunshine and rainbows would be easier, but not genuine or transparent. So today I am admitting that I am only fine. I feel weak, and like crying. 

On a beautiful note:
within 5 minutes of posting on Facebook I got this message from a dear friend;
You are never poor, and you are never alone. There are so many people that love you and who are inspired by your strength. You're amazing, and I love you. Hope tomorrow will be a better day. 

It is very hard to feel sorry for yourself with that that kind of love. 





Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Faith

Mmmm - to have it is a beautiful thing. To know that everything is going to be fine with or without you worrying about it - It truly is your choice. For so many years I worried about every little detail of everything. Today - not so much. 

December stressed me out for years. And I'm not going to lie fear and stress did start to sneak in this year. How am I possibly going to make Christmas happen? I just got back from a trip, my car needs hundreds of dollar of work. How with one pay check till Christmas am I going to make the magic happen for my boys? But you know what? It'll happen. It has happened every year for 18 years.  Christmas is magic like that. It happens, you never really know how, but it does. It always has - and it always will. There is nothing for me to worry about. 

I will be truly proud of myself if I plan something which teaches my children that Christmas is about giving not only about getting. I am pretty sure that if Jesus could ask for one thing for his Birthday it would be that ever person would do something kind for another. 

I am truly in love with my faith. It brings me a calm that nothing else ever could. 

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Guess who brought their alcoholism to Maui?

Blogging from Maui. I wish I had these amazing descriptive words to explain my experiences here - but I don't really.

I am going to come clean with the one rough thing I did go through... I felt cheated that I couldn't drink. You see I brought my alcoholism with me. That underline anxiety that I live with, well my body packed it along. It felt unfair that I couldn't, even on vacation, escape my emotions. My disease comes with me everywhere I go. And I'm not going to lie, that fricking sucks.

I wish I could jump on here and tell you it was the most peaceful and relaxing week of my life - but I can't. Don't get me wrong, it was pretty damn relaxing, but without a doubt my DISease was working overtime.

It's almost like I had this since of entitlement - I mean really I'm on vacation.....
Then reality and gratitude set in..The truth is the fact I am employable today, and have a job where I have earned vacation time is amazing. And the fact is if I was still drinking I'd be locked up. I am an alcoholic, and my alcoholism was getting uglier by the minute.

Sober vacations are something very new to me. 

Update:
On my way up to my room after writing the above post I was in the elevator with a women so intoxicated that she could neither walk nor talk - I will take a little anxiety over that anyday! 







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