Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Recovery to Relapse


 
          
First off, Em - I hope you don't mind me blogging on your site.....I am really in dire need of any experience, strength & hope anyone following could lend....some of you may know me, my name is Annette and I read Emily's article in the Nov 2009 People magazine and found her blog - this one :)

Emily was the 1st person I ever admitted to that I thought I was an alcoholic....I remember mamaof3 was a big contributor at that time and she provided her experience, strength & hope along with Emily.  It was a Godsend!!!!!  Those 2 women gave me the strength, willingness and "push" to go to my first 12 step meeting back in December 2009.  I found AA to be an incredible fellowship of people who really "got" what I was going through....I had never experienced anything like that before...I was hooked!  Many of you know my story....I stayed sober for 10 months with the help of my group, relapsed in Oct. 2010 for one day, then had 2 more single days of relapse and came back into the program in December 2010......again, stayed sober for another 10 months and then relapsed again 3 single days....after that I decided I needed to check into inpatient treatment and I did so on 12/2/11.....I had been sober for 3 days - thought about checking into rehab drunk off my ass, but what was the point when it would only totally piss off my totally supportive husband and prolong my stay because I had to go through detox....not worth it to me....but sober or not, I had to spend 3 days in detox and that was an eye-opening experience for me - I had 4 other roommates that were all detoxing from different drugs and it was REALLY scary to me....rehab was good - I stayed for 22 days - one of the best experiences of my life!  Got out, came home, family was happy, I was happy, I went back to my Homegroup 5 days a week, got a sponsor, started working the steps and life was great.......I stayed sober, happily, for 22 months....Sobriety was awesome - something that I never thought I could have - those 22 months with my husband and my 2 boys were the best of my life!  At 22 months, I decided in my own brain that I was totally tired of going to the same homegroup meetings everyday at noon and hearing the "same" stories from the "same" people day in and day out - hell.....I could skip the meeting and tell you what so & so said!  I wasn't willing to take action.....Then the damn vodka was screamed my name!!! And there it came my 3rd relapse.....of course, I lied to my husband over the phone that night he was out of town on business...."I have NOT been drinking!!!!  I can't believe you are even accusing me of it!!!!"  .......well, you know the deal - I had been drinking :(  The next day I admitted to him what he already knew to be true and I got the MOST vicious response I've ever gotten from him - it was all over the phone as he was still out of town on business, but he told me to SHUT UP & HE DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE LIES OUTTA MY LYING MOUTH!!!.....that totally startled me - he went on to say that he was done - he couldn't take anymore from me and my drinking - keep in mind, he has been totally & utterly supportive though 7 one day relapses in the past 4 years - not bad for an alkie, but how much can I really, honestly ask him to put up with before he gives me the boot????  He went on to advise me that he was contacting an attorney and having divorce papers drawn up.....he wasn't going to file them just yet.....instead, he was going to put them on a shelf in our home where I could see them everyday - as a reminder of what's to come if I drink again.....I have to admit, that totally rocked my world and scared the shit outta me, but I am at the point that I want my sobriety back for myself more so than for anyone else!  Whether I'm with my husband and the boys or not, I want my sobriety back for ME!!!!

So I decided to be willing enough to go back into inpatient treatment....this time, not to a place right in my backyard.....I decided on Hazelden in Minnesota....and no, I hate cold weather - but I want to go there for the right reasons for me - not for a mini-vacation.  My addiction counselor agreed and we began the process of setting everything up - she said that I had excellent insurance coverage and that I should look at it as a sign from my Higher Power that this is what I should do.....I took the plunge - I'm ready to surrender - FINALLY - after 4 years - I am willing to take whatever suggestions I am given from her and the other women in my homegroup - I do what they suggest cuz my ways & ideas are obviously NOT working!!!!  Through preliminary phone calls, Hazelden tells me that all is good....we gather the boys and tell them that I'm going away again for 30 days - this time to a different state - but that it is all because Mom knows that she needs some help and is not afraid to admit it and ask for it....they were very understanding, supportive & loving - sad that I won't be here for Thanksgiving, but happy that I'm getting the help I need.  An hour later, I do my 1 hr intake phone call with Hazelden - at the end, she throws out there her personal opinion that "I'm not that bad" and that "insurance may not cover the stay".....I began to craze!....but paused, quieted myself and told myself that God's Will for me would come through in the end.....fast forward to today.....my intake counselor called me again this morning and asked me to elaborate a bit for my need for inpatient treatment....I told her that I wasn't gonna lie about the last time I took a drink, that I was hanging on by going to 3 meetings a day in the interim (before getting into treatment) and that my husband travels a lot and my kids' schedules are crazy busy with school and sports which lends absolutely no time for me to focus on myself.....that was why I believed that 30 days of inpatient treatment would benefit me the most.....so now I sit and wait to hear back from them....I will admit that I'm a mess - I mean, I became willing to do this and leave my family again - FOR ME!!!.....we told the boys last nite...my plane ticket there is already booked & paid for this Saturday.....and NOW they are telling me that they don't know if my insurance company agrees that I'm "that bad" to require inpatient treatment....AYE-YI-YI!!!!  But I'm not drinking over this little hiccup - not worth it - not gonna change anything - I can't control the outcome....I'll just wait and see what they have to say....patiently :)

Recovery is not an easy street by any means, but NEVER give up HOPE!!!!  Even if they deny insurance coverage, I will proceed in a manner that enhances my recovery in some way or another - whether it be an intensive outpatient program or just continuing 3 meetings a day, working with my sponsor, growing my relationship with my higher power (which I believe is a crucial missing link) and doing the next right thing.  I will NOT let this "possible" denial of inpatient treatment stop me from being a happy & free recovering alcoholic!

Love you Em & thanks so much for sharing with your readers.....I feel so much better :)  Best to get all this crap out of our head instead of keeping it inside to fester and eventually cause us to return to the drink.

Annette

6 comments:

  1. Annette. I remember you and your postings. I admire you for all you have accomplished and all that you are willing to do to maintain your sobriety. I also started reading Emily's blog after reading her article in People. I have not made much progress. I would be thrilled if I could go a month without a drinking wine every single night. Thank you so much for sharing your personal story on this blog. Take care and again, thank you.

    Cali

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  2. I remember you Cali!!! I'm sorry that you haven't made much progress, but that isn't necessarily true....you are still reading sobriety blogs and it sounds like you are still concerned about your drinking and at least "trying"...have you tried any of the programs out there? Have you thought about inpatient or intensive outpatient treatment? Do you have any friends that are in recovery that could maybe help you to stay accountable? Just some thoughts.....I will say a prayer for you Cali and keep you in my thoughts daily.....you have not failed as long as you haven't given up hope and are still willing to try!!!! Don't forget that - not many of us do this recovery thing anywhere close to perfect - but we don't have to....just have to take it one day at a time. Annette

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  3. Thank you Annette and Emily. I am still trying. I try every day. I do have one friend that I am going to see on Friday. She is the only one who knows about my drinking. She was going through a very hard time years ago and she, like me, used wine to numb the negativity. I have decided that I will tell her that I have not conquered my demons. She had thought I was on the right path, and we had not discussed it since. My husband does not suspect, so in or out patient treatment is not an option for me. He has his beer each night and has no problem, so probably would not be very receptive or understanding..Thank you for responding to my comment, that in itself is a great help - truly.

    Thank you!!

    Cali

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  4. Love you too Em!!! Keep trying Cali! It's not until we give up that there is no hope left! Is your friend sober? I truly believe that having a sober friend helps so much....open up to her and ask for her suggestions....not discussing it with her is just you staying in denial - I know, I've been there. You gals that have husbands that don't suspect a thing totally boggle my mind....you must be really good at hiding it, or maybe I was just way further down the elevator shaft than you are.....my husband was all over my butt for years before I finally reached out for help. Have you ever approached him with your feelings that you might have a drinking problem? If so, what was his reaction? Just curious - many women I know never express their concerns about their drinking problem to their husbands - they just continue on in their addiction until it gets so bad that their husbands can't continue to deny it - they have to step in and say something.....kinda like what happened to me. Sorry if I sound nosey Cali, I just like to try to help those that are still struggling....I wish you nothing but the best and keep on trying to beat this thing!
    Hugs - Annette

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  5. Hey Annette. You are not being nosy. Yes, my friend is sober and yes she has been in my shoes so I know that I can approach her. I just have been ashamed to tell her, but will when I see her. I need to be accountable to someone. As for my husband, he is not very good at empathy or tolerant of any weakness. He has made comments about bums being drunks, etc. So, no, I don't feel I can confront him. He is not the most empathetic person. I haven't been able to always hide it, he sometimes thinks it is PMS, etc.

    Thank you for your support. You are very lucky to have a husband you can talk to and who will support you.

    Take care. I will continue to check in on Emily's blog as it does help me.

    Cali

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