Thursday, December 26, 2013

"I'm one bad date away from bitter" -Carrie Bradshaw

My 6th Year

I am not one to predict the outcome of things, as I believe that in doing so you are absolutely setting your self up for failure. But I'm going to sorta, kinda predict that the 6th year of my sobriety is going to be one of great growth. And growth ain't always comfortable. I can feel this inner fire in me that is willing to take care of some things that I just wasn't ready to deal with before. I have this new found strength, and passion, not sure where it came from, but I am going to run with it. There are some things in my life that I am absolutely sick of....and it's time I chip away at them.  

I know how to start....

Dear God,


Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Christmas 2013

This year we went skiing for Christmas. Something that we just may make into a tradition, being that there was no one on the mountain. It was wonderful to spend more than 10 minutes with my teenagers. With our hectic busy lives it's hard to get everyone in the same place at the same time. I feel truly blessed.

Merry Christmas to all! Xo

Sunday, December 22, 2013

🙏 I pray that when or if depression sets in that you remember it is just your inner spirit growing - and on the other side is always, always something beautiful. Amen

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Where my heart is.....

I think I'm ready to blog about what happened in my love life over the past few months. I met a guy that I really liked - for it being short, quick, and painful I guess we could even call it love. I feel, quick, and hard...flags flew, and I would feel a lot  better if I could say that I just ignored them, but I didn't - I allowed him to talk me out of them. When broken becomes intriguing, and the sick "high" from a combative relationship reminds you of your drinking days, running would be good - but that isn't what did end, but not half as quick as it should have.

The sad truth is it damaged me a little bit. It completely changed my feeling about what I wanted...I've always wanted happily ever after, take your breath away love - but I found myself crying the other day when I realized that right now in my life that seem like more work than it is worth. :( 


Friday, December 20, 2013

Opinions - everyone has one!

I rarely blog about my opinions on "hot topics" and I'll tell you why .. Normally it's because I don't give a shit enough to have an opinion, and I certainly don't care enough to debate about them. When I was out there drinking I flipping cared and had a opinion on EVERYTHING and would defend until the end. In sobriety I care about my friends and my family, and helping others - really that's about it. 

Whether or not some red neck Duck dude shared his opinion and pissed people off really doesn't bug or affect me in anyway. I will say my opinion on it  is that saying what he said did nothing but boost his fame, and I have a decent amount of respect for the fact his family is standing behind him.  With that being said, I think he seems like sort of a nut job. But I guess it takes one to know one! Lol

There! I share my opinion, someone called me a wimp today for not.  And he was right, it's time for me to throw a little bit more of Emily into! 

Monday, December 16, 2013

From Attitude to Gratitude


Today had all of the makings for a huge pity-party. I got 4 cavities filled, I got a ticket, and all I had to look forward in the evening was going to Gavin's 8th grade choir program alone, again. Self-pity almost seemed fair - like really?! What a shitty day.... Then something happened, like it normally does - reality and gratitude set in.....

I finally have the money and insurance to get my teeth fixed, I lost the privilege to drive for 2 years, so really a ticket ain't no big thing, and as for the concert it was adorable and there wasn't one part of me that wanted to be any other place on this planet that right where I was. 

Perception is a beautiful thing. 

A Beautiful Life....

I live a beautiful life. It is perfect for me. Yes, there things that I could improve upon. But if you didn't have things to work on then wouldn't life be pretty boring. I am exactly when I am suppose to be. 

Friday, December 13, 2013

The beginning...

The first days, really the first months in sobriety are painfully lonely, and scary. How is one going to give up the very thing that they believe kept them happy -or at least numb- How is a person who every though and plan has something to do with alcohol possible going to put the bottle down and live in any other state than constantly craze alcohol? When the joyous, happy and free thing they promise in sobriety seems so unobtainable that going one day without alcohol, much less a life time, seems like life's over. But I promise that it is worth it! I promise that it is easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. 

I don't know one sober alcoholic that can't relate to the above paragraph. Please let that sentence help to make you feel less alone. You are understood, even the things you are hiding or ashamed of have been done by countless alcoholics. Reach out...ask for help...comment on here...send me a email - but do not sit at home thinking you're alone, cause you're not. 

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I'm Fine

I posted this on my Facebook page today - with the status...Today I am fine. Tomorrow will be better. I try to be really positive on my social platforms. But I also don't want to be a bullshitter. When I'm having a hard time I need to admit it, and share the solution of how I got past it. Sharing only the sunshine and rainbows would be easier, but not genuine or transparent. So today I am admitting that I am only fine. I feel weak, and like crying. 

On a beautiful note:
within 5 minutes of posting on Facebook I got this message from a dear friend;
You are never poor, and you are never alone. There are so many people that love you and who are inspired by your strength. You're amazing, and I love you. Hope tomorrow will be a better day. 

It is very hard to feel sorry for yourself with that that kind of love. 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013


Mmmm - to have it is a beautiful thing. To know that everything is going to be fine with or without you worrying about it - It truly is your choice. For so many years I worried about every little detail of everything. Today - not so much. 

December stressed me out for years. And I'm not going to lie fear and stress did start to sneak in this year. How am I possibly going to make Christmas happen? I just got back from a trip, my car needs hundreds of dollar of work. How with one pay check till Christmas am I going to make the magic happen for my boys? But you know what? It'll happen. It has happened every year for 18 years.  Christmas is magic like that. It happens, you never really know how, but it does. It always has - and it always will. There is nothing for me to worry about. 

I will be truly proud of myself if I plan something which teaches my children that Christmas is about giving not only about getting. I am pretty sure that if Jesus could ask for one thing for his Birthday it would be that ever person would do something kind for another. 

I am truly in love with my faith. It brings me a calm that nothing else ever could. 

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Guess who brought their alcoholism to Maui?

Blogging from Maui. I wish I had these amazing descriptive words to explain my experiences here - but I don't really.

I am going to come clean with the one rough thing I did go through... I felt cheated that I couldn't drink. You see I brought my alcoholism with me. That underline anxiety that I live with, well my body packed it along. It felt unfair that I couldn't, even on vacation, escape my emotions. My disease comes with me everywhere I go. And I'm not going to lie, that fricking sucks.

I wish I could jump on here and tell you it was the most peaceful and relaxing week of my life - but I can't. Don't get me wrong, it was pretty damn relaxing, but without a doubt my DISease was working overtime.

It's almost like I had this since of entitlement - I mean really I'm on vacation.....
Then reality and gratitude set in..The truth is the fact I am employable today, and have a job where I have earned vacation time is amazing. And the fact is if I was still drinking I'd be locked up. I am an alcoholic, and my alcoholism was getting uglier by the minute.

Sober vacations are something very new to me. 

On my way up to my room after writing the above post I was in the elevator with a women so intoxicated that she could neither walk nor talk - I will take a little anxiety over that anyday! 

Sent from my iPad

Thursday, November 28, 2013


This Thanksgiving is a random. I am  home alone. The boys are off with Dad. It is not that I didn't have options of places to go - it's that I didn't feel obligated to go anywhere, nor did I feel guilt about it. I am happily enjoying the silence.

 Family obligations are important, I believe they are what teach children that it isn't all about them, and that sometimes we show up for the love of others. Or for the flat out fear that our parents will kick our ass.  I am grateful that my Mom made me suit up and show up even when I didn't want to go. Today I explained to my children that they were to get dressed nicely, and go make their father happy. After a bit of grumbling from the little one about having to wear a golf shirt, they headed off.

Now I quietly reflection on the blessings of the year. I never in a million years though that I would be where I am today. It is very easy to stay grateful when everything you, are and everything you have, feels like a miracle.

 I have often said that if I could bottle up the feeling of gratitude I would. It is by far the best emotion ever!

Monday, November 25, 2013

One Alcoholic Helping Another

Annette Update:
Hello everyone!  Annette here with a brief update about how it's going for me today.....Today has been a really good day - attended 2 meetings and met with my mentor for lunch - I'm working on doing an inventory right now.  I've done this before, but it's time for another one.  I have been sober now since November 5, 2013 - not sure how many days that is off the top of my head....I'm trying to stay in the moment and just remember that I'm sober TODAY.  Since deciding not to go to inpatient treatment because of insurance reasons, I have thrown myself into my program of recovery attending 2-3 classes a day, going to lunch and/or coffee with other sober women, trying to be of service as often as I can, working with my mentor on my program, getting on my knees every morning and asking God to help me to stay sober today, reading daily readings from 3 different books and finally getting on my knees again at night before I go to bed to say thank you to God for keeping me sober today.  My husband and I went to our first counseling session together last week - it was very productive - and we continue to see him going forward.  We are also seeing him as a family this Wednesday - me, my husband and our 2 boys.....must say I'm a bit nervous about the appointment.  Guess I'm a little afraid to hear what my boys have to say about all of this - afraid to hear their's not going to be easy, but I think there will be some healing come from it.  We'll decide after Wednesday how often to continue seeing our counselor as a family and/or if he maybe suggests seeing the boys one-on-one - like my recovery program, I will listen to the counselor's suggestions and follow them - again, my way of doing things hasn't been real successful lately - actually it's never been successful!
Everyday has not been kittens and rainbows for me....last Wednesday I had physical cravings that were screaming at me to go get a drink - I went to a class and lunch with 3 other sober women instead.....Friday I built up this stupid but powerful resentment against my husband and carried it with me all night Friday ....I went to bed with the plan that on Saturday I was going to s
skip my meeting and lunch with my sober girlfriend and go the Grace of God, that thought had left my head by the time I woke up on Saturday morning, and I kept with my original plan of attending my meeting and doing lunch with my sober girlfriend.  Looking back, I should have called someone Friday nightwhen the resentment hit me, but I'm still a work in progress and didn't say anything until the next day.  I need to get it through my thick skull that saying how I'm feeling out loud to another person in recovery is the best thing I can do for myself & my I brought up what happened Friday night at both of my classes today and feel much better even though I didn't act on it Saturday.  I need to remember that my secrets keep me sick and keeping crazy thoughts in my head and not saying them out loud will lead me to drink.
All I can tell you about today is that I am grateful to be sober today, I'm grateful for Emily and all of you readers out there, I'm grateful for my family that hasn't given up on me (yet), I'm thankful for the amazing relationships I have with the sober women in my life and I am thankful for God's Grace and Forgiveness.....He is with me always and I need not forget that for a second!
Would love to hear some of your stories - believe it or not, sharing your story might help you to stay sober and it will definitely help me to stay sober :)
Hope everyone has a wonderful & blessed Thanksgiving!!!!

Saturday, November 23, 2013

6 years Sober

6 years ago I accidentally made a decision that would forever change the course of my life. All I knew was that something had to change. I didn't know how I was going to stop drinking - as it was my life. But it was a life that lead to nothing but misery, guilty, shame, sadness and eventually insanity. I didn't want to live it one more second - I wanted to die - I didn't know what I was going to do, or how I was going to do it..but I knew I was willing to try. 

Recovery for me began when willingness set it. I had the willingness to listen to the people who had gone before me, and because of that I am 6 years sober today.  

For that I am grateful! 

Chasing Rejection

I know that I'm not the only women that does it. But God do I do it.

 It's the typical story--boy chases girl - boy catches girl - boy backs up - girl chases boy. 

Every time...Could someone please explain to me what in the hell that is!? 

I know all the "rules" all the "tricks, I've read ever book, but I still find myself doing it. I may not act on it, but the feeling is still there. I'm very conscious of it these days. I can see and evaluate my feelings, thoughts, and actions in regards to chasing rejection...but I can't exactly pin point why it is happening. Is it just normal human behavior. Or is it a bigger, deeper issue. Is it abandonment issues from my childhood? Is it low self-Estéem. The fear of vulnerability, perhaps? Is it a disconnect from my Higher-Power? 

I'm thinking maybe it is a mixture of all of the above...I am a firm believer of being able to fix what we are aware of. And I am painfully aware of this one, and it is getting old. 

What work do I need to do in order to stop chasing rejection? 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Is it even worth it?

Is it even worth it? Are relationships even fucking worth it? The loss of peace and serenity-the confusion, the emotions, the bullshit... Is it even worth it? The last thing I want to be is a bitter Betty, but for Gods sake it feels like such a complete waste of energy, of mind space, of time. I was always a bit sad when people would talk about relationships like this..but I get it. Being alone isn't all that bad which makes justifying being in a relationship really difficult. 

Am I the only one that feels this way? 

Monday, November 18, 2013

Bringing the Blog back to Life....

Soon after I started this blog it took on a life of its own. The readers -you- turned it into this magical pIace that I felt blessed to even be a part of. This blog saved my life. It was here for me ever day. It kept me out of complete and total insulation when all I wanted to do was hide. 

I am trying to breath the life back into it. To feel once again feel that there is a secret community that lives inside here - that loves and supports each other. I am going to need your help....comment, share, support each other....please. It would mean a great deal to me, and to the others that use this blog as support. Recovery to me means never having to be alone again. 


Your Body is Beautiful!

I am leaving for Hawaii in 2 weeks. Between my new relationship, and some other personal BS going on in life, I have managed to gain some weight. Last year right around this time I joined Weight Watchers and it was very successful for me. I am a girl who needs structure, routine, and a program to accomplish things. Weight Watchers works great - if you work it! Very similar to another program I'm in! So I'm back on Weight Watchers. Along with that for the next two weeks I am trying to cut out bread and sugar. I LOVE bread and sugar - so this has been a bit painful! 

This time around I am trying to do things a little differently - I am trying to keep my inner dialogue kind, and too love my body through it. So my butts bigger...have you seen Kim Kardashian? Compared to her I have a tiny ass, right?! 

I'll be honest I haven't done the whole loving your body through a weight loss perfectly - in fact the other day I was trying to get into  a pair of jeans,  and I was so pissed that they didn't fit that I had a huge temper tantrum, and ripped them. Progress not perfection, I guess?! 

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Recovery to Relapse

First off, Em - I hope you don't mind me blogging on your site.....I am really in dire need of any experience, strength & hope anyone following could lend....some of you may know me, my name is Annette and I read Emily's article in the Nov 2009 People magazine and found her blog - this one :)

Emily was the 1st person I ever admitted to that I thought I was an alcoholic....I remember mamaof3 was a big contributor at that time and she provided her experience, strength & hope along with Emily.  It was a Godsend!!!!!  Those 2 women gave me the strength, willingness and "push" to go to my first 12 step meeting back in December 2009.  I found AA to be an incredible fellowship of people who really "got" what I was going through....I had never experienced anything like that before...I was hooked!  Many of you know my story....I stayed sober for 10 months with the help of my group, relapsed in Oct. 2010 for one day, then had 2 more single days of relapse and came back into the program in December 2010......again, stayed sober for another 10 months and then relapsed again 3 single days....after that I decided I needed to check into inpatient treatment and I did so on 12/2/11.....I had been sober for 3 days - thought about checking into rehab drunk off my ass, but what was the point when it would only totally piss off my totally supportive husband and prolong my stay because I had to go through detox....not worth it to me....but sober or not, I had to spend 3 days in detox and that was an eye-opening experience for me - I had 4 other roommates that were all detoxing from different drugs and it was REALLY scary to was good - I stayed for 22 days - one of the best experiences of my life!  Got out, came home, family was happy, I was happy, I went back to my Homegroup 5 days a week, got a sponsor, started working the steps and life was great.......I stayed sober, happily, for 22 months....Sobriety was awesome - something that I never thought I could have - those 22 months with my husband and my 2 boys were the best of my life!  At 22 months, I decided in my own brain that I was totally tired of going to the same homegroup meetings everyday at noon and hearing the "same" stories from the "same" people day in and day out - hell.....I could skip the meeting and tell you what so & so said!  I wasn't willing to take action.....Then the damn vodka was screamed my name!!! And there it came my 3rd relapse.....of course, I lied to my husband over the phone that night he was out of town on business...."I have NOT been drinking!!!!  I can't believe you are even accusing me of it!!!!"  .......well, you know the deal - I had been drinking :(  The next day I admitted to him what he already knew to be true and I got the MOST vicious response I've ever gotten from him - it was all over the phone as he was still out of town on business, but he told me to SHUT UP & HE DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE LIES OUTTA MY LYING MOUTH!!!.....that totally startled me - he went on to say that he was done - he couldn't take anymore from me and my drinking - keep in mind, he has been totally & utterly supportive though 7 one day relapses in the past 4 years - not bad for an alkie, but how much can I really, honestly ask him to put up with before he gives me the boot????  He went on to advise me that he was contacting an attorney and having divorce papers drawn up.....he wasn't going to file them just yet.....instead, he was going to put them on a shelf in our home where I could see them everyday - as a reminder of what's to come if I drink again.....I have to admit, that totally rocked my world and scared the shit outta me, but I am at the point that I want my sobriety back for myself more so than for anyone else!  Whether I'm with my husband and the boys or not, I want my sobriety back for ME!!!!

So I decided to be willing enough to go back into inpatient treatment....this time, not to a place right in my backyard.....I decided on Hazelden in Minnesota....and no, I hate cold weather - but I want to go there for the right reasons for me - not for a mini-vacation.  My addiction counselor agreed and we began the process of setting everything up - she said that I had excellent insurance coverage and that I should look at it as a sign from my Higher Power that this is what I should do.....I took the plunge - I'm ready to surrender - FINALLY - after 4 years - I am willing to take whatever suggestions I am given from her and the other women in my homegroup - I do what they suggest cuz my ways & ideas are obviously NOT working!!!!  Through preliminary phone calls, Hazelden tells me that all is good....we gather the boys and tell them that I'm going away again for 30 days - this time to a different state - but that it is all because Mom knows that she needs some help and is not afraid to admit it and ask for it....they were very understanding, supportive & loving - sad that I won't be here for Thanksgiving, but happy that I'm getting the help I need.  An hour later, I do my 1 hr intake phone call with Hazelden - at the end, she throws out there her personal opinion that "I'm not that bad" and that "insurance may not cover the stay".....I began to craze!....but paused, quieted myself and told myself that God's Will for me would come through in the forward to intake counselor called me again this morning and asked me to elaborate a bit for my need for inpatient treatment....I told her that I wasn't gonna lie about the last time I took a drink, that I was hanging on by going to 3 meetings a day in the interim (before getting into treatment) and that my husband travels a lot and my kids' schedules are crazy busy with school and sports which lends absolutely no time for me to focus on myself.....that was why I believed that 30 days of inpatient treatment would benefit me the now I sit and wait to hear back from them....I will admit that I'm a mess - I mean, I became willing to do this and leave my family again - FOR ME!!!.....we told the boys last plane ticket there is already booked & paid for this Saturday.....and NOW they are telling me that they don't know if my insurance company agrees that I'm "that bad" to require inpatient treatment....AYE-YI-YI!!!!  But I'm not drinking over this little hiccup - not worth it - not gonna change anything - I can't control the outcome....I'll just wait and see what they have to say....patiently :)

Recovery is not an easy street by any means, but NEVER give up HOPE!!!!  Even if they deny insurance coverage, I will proceed in a manner that enhances my recovery in some way or another - whether it be an intensive outpatient program or just continuing 3 meetings a day, working with my sponsor, growing my relationship with my higher power (which I believe is a crucial missing link) and doing the next right thing.  I will NOT let this "possible" denial of inpatient treatment stop me from being a happy & free recovering alcoholic!

Love you Em & thanks so much for sharing with your readers.....I feel so much better :)  Best to get all this crap out of our head instead of keeping it inside to fester and eventually cause us to return to the drink.


What do you think about the most?


I remember a few years back being really, really obsessed over a man - my heart was broken, and I was in a huge amount of emotional pain. When I went to my sponsor with it  she explained to me that what ever I thought about the most was my God. That did not sit well with me - at all. I was thinking about a man all the time, just like I had though about alcohol all the time in the beginning of sobriety. I totally got what she was saying, and those few words have staying with me in my sobriety. When I am in a obsessive though pattern I know it is because something has come before my God. Now I catch those thoughts and return my mind to my higher power. 

I know that the above is a huge concept in the beginning of sobriety, or in the beginning of any recovery, really. But it's a learned with everything else it takes practice. Try this....the next time you think about drinking - the second the though comes to you- say a prayer. And if you're new in sobriety when the same though comes back in 5 minutes say another works, I promise! 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Where did the time go?

Time... I remember in the beginning of sobriety time went so, so slowly that it was painful. I for sure stayed sober 1 minute at a time. I did whatever I could to fill the slow, lonely, uncomfortable moments. Meetings, reading, praying, eating...whatever I could do the fill space. As I went from 30 days sober, to 60 days, to 90 and then a year...time got less and less painful. I don't remember exactly when it happened, but suddenly time was no longer an issue. I was no longer counting the minutes or hours until bed time. Something had changed. 

Now I love my life - and when it comes to time I wish it could go just a little bit slower. 

"Stay in the moment. as the moment is where the miracles happen" 

Monday, November 11, 2013

Why do we say thank you to Veterans on a Veterans Day?

As I scrolled through FB today, I witnessed a huge outpouring of patriotic pictures and countless expressions of gratitude to our fellow Americans who've worn a military uniform. The question came to me, what are we thanking them for?
The answer came to me from close by. These men and women made a choice to step outside our social contract. They gave up their constitutional rights, and placed themselves between us and people who want to destroy the things we hold dear. Why? 
Some believe in glory, some in patriotism, some looking for a better life and a sense of security. All of them walk away with the same thing. A sense of doing something greater than themselves, to protect the way of life they grew up with.

 "Military service is a brotherhood that brings people together with a shared goal and a strength of purpose. When we say thank you to them, we are thanking ourselves, and all fellow Americans stretching back over 235 years." 

I asked the author of this quote to explain it to me. I  didn't get it, I didn't get how I could possibly be thanking myself...what Have I ever done for this country? He calmly explained to me the idea of patriotism....when something or someone threatens this country's safety we come together - regardless of what it is, we ban together. There is nothing that bonds this country quicker than threat, or tragedy. That is brotherhood, that is what America is all about. I get it, and the idea makes me feel a  bit prouder to be an American. 

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Dry Drunk

Yesterday I was on the biggest "dry drunk" of my sobriety. What is a "dry drunk" you may ask. Well, let me tell is when you have all of the negative symptoms of being drunk..mad, anxious, mean, stubborn. It was emotionally and physically painful. And instead of going to a meeting right away I sat it in all day.

I was almost forced to go a meeting. I got there, and after the speakers 3rd sentence I was at peace.

Hi! I'm Emily, a "stubborn" alcoholic!

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, October 30, 2013


I don't feel like blogging these days -as if you can't tell- but I'm going to, and that's that! There are a lot of things in my life that I don't "feel" like doing, but I do them. I do them because they keep me healthy, and happy, and sober.

I made a decision, one that was "healthy" for me, and in doing so I hurt someone. I feel guilty, and shameful about it. It makes me not want to blog.

But I get the whole we're as only as sick as our secrets. So blogging I am.

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Sunday, October 13, 2013



I don't know if you know this about me, but I am a total small town junkie. They amaze me, it's like I can almost feel myself being back in that time.Bisbee is a old mining town in Arizona. They  did such a wonderful job keeping it in tack that you feel and see every part of the history. 

It was the best day trip ever! 

Outside Issues

 So, in the program I stay sober we do steps. In the last 5 years I have used these steps to get sober, and to treat a mental illness. Just so there's no confusion here; alcoholism is a mental illness - I just happen to have two, it's referred to as co-occurring. Ok, enough clinical horse shit, let's get to the point here.

 I've used the steps to treat, cure, and process every situation for 5 alcoholism, smoking, my relationships, depression....EVERYTHING! It has been and will continue to be my 'go-to' therapy.

 With that being said I will be spending whatever time it takes to figure out a way to step out -numerophobia- yes, I have a fear of has affected me in huge ways, and I'm sure that it served a purpose in my life at some point, but now it's just getting in my way, and it is time to walk through it.

 So here's some math; I reduced the issue to it's simplest form, so I could grab ahold of it enough to do step work on it.

I used the word reduced, that is progress.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013


This is just for a giggle! I'm not brushing any feelings off. I am processing, and will return with some brilliant conclusions shortly!

Saturday, October 5, 2013


Shame,  lets talk about it for a minute. I believe that the best description of shame is a fear of disconnect. A fear of what we have done, or what we  have been through once reviled will result in a judgment and disconnect from the person we  reviled it to. Therefor  feeling even more shame, and adding to that rejection. Shame thrives and grows on being kept a secret.  I'm sure you've heard the term we're only as sick of our secrets, right? 

I am looking at something in childhood right now that I had absolutely no control of, but that brings me great shame. It has been around as long as I can I have no choice but to get to the root of it, and pull that shit out. 

I'm not going to lie, I'm not thrilled about it. 

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, September 30, 2013

Do you Believe?

Do you believe that fairytales come true? Love at first sight, happily ever after...the things that little girls read about, and dream about....Do you believe that two people can meet, and have an automatic connect so strong that there is absolutely no doubt that you have found your one?

Not like that's occurring in my life or anything. I was just wondering if you believe.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Stubborn Alcoholic

Recovery, recovery, recovery..... The answer to my problems is ALWAYS more recovery! It's funny that I still don't go straight there. I still spend time mentally running amuck and obsessing before getting into the solution. I know the answer, I know I'm the problem, I know more recovery will fix it...yet for this alcoholic it's usually the 3rd thing I do instead of the first :/
Sent from my iPad

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Lightbulb Moments

My growth, spiritual awaking, light bulb moments (whatever you want to call it) come fast and furious. I normally go through a life experience and come out the other side learning something huge. This go around I have learned that I am allowed to reject anything that offends my inner spirit...whether it be a person, a place, something I read, something someone said...I don't have to buy it, I don't have to believe it...maybe that's something you've always know, and it very well could have been something I've always know..but it has always been something I've felt guilty about. Not anymore-there are some people, beliefs, sayings, scripture that just didn't make the cut. And today I am okay with that.

Sent from my iPad

Monday, September 16, 2013

What has dating taught you?

That I'm stronger than I thought. That what matters isn't what they think about me, but what I think about myself. Unfortunately I have learned that the less I care the more they do. I've learned that men have a little boy who lives inside them that is terrified to get hurt. I have learned that the longer you wait to have sex the better. I have learned that as secure as I thought I was I still have a tendency to change in to what I think they want me to be. I have a lot more...but it's time to go to a meeting!

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

It is Okay

It is okay. It is okay for me to feel weak, and tired, and sad. It is okay for me to admit that being a single Mom is hard. And it is okay to take a minute and cry about it......

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

About a Girl

If you know me you know I wasn't always the girl above. I am now (most of the time) but I wasn't always. In fact there was a time that I felt like the stupidest person out there. No education, no ability to support my family, a lifetime of dumb ass decisions. Who would ever guess that the lack of education would give me untouchable common sense, or that the inability to support my family would give me drive, work ethic, and gratitude for everything I have, and who in a million years would ever guess that the lifetime of bad decisions would give me the wisdom and power to help others. Who would have ever guessed?

Thursday, August 29, 2013

My Thoughts

Are all the flipping over the place...why? Because I haven't been to a meeting in like 2 weeks...I know, I know! I'm meeting my friend Laura at one tonight at 6. I have found the best way to make sure I get to a  meeting is to meet someone  there. 

What else is up with me.... I am dating, on-line's scary out there. I have been on few "actual" dates as my screening process is rough. I'm going to go ahead and take my own inventory really quick..."Why am I dating if I can't even make it to meetings?" I've already looked at that-and I'm stepping up my program! Now more about dating....I've already been dumped (before even meeting the guy) for being friends with John, and I've been dumped for letting a man know that it's important to me to wait a bit before having sex...OMG....good thing I've read the 4 agreements and don't take any of this personally!!

I hurt someones feels (again someone I haven't even met) and here is the apology pretty much sums up how I feel about on-line dating......

Awww..I'm sorry that you felt that way. On-line dating is tough on me. I get a lot of messages and it's almost like I have to not care in the beginning...people don't answer back, you'll be having a great conversation with someone and they'll disappear..  lots of rejection. So I'm thick skinned and sort of thoughtless in the beginning.

Once I start caring a little bit, that person deserves for me to focus on them...cause I'm not really a tough, thick skinned, thoughtless .women...I'm actually really sweet.  

Again, I am sorry if any of my actions made you feel bad. That was not my intent  

Lots of typing for a man I've never met....I'm all for men being able to express their emotions, but for God sake if I can hurt your feeling before we've even meet-then we don't stand a chance.

I am going to have fun with this whole dating thing if it's the last thing I do! 

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Guest Bloggers

Does anyone have any desire to guest blog on here once or twice a week? I'm starting to get sick of the sound of my own voice!

Friday, August 23, 2013


I have not been to a meeting in a week... I can go on and on and give you 100 reasons on why ... But the truth is it just hasn't been a priority.

It's so much easier to just stay in the habit of going to meetings, rather than to get back into the habit of going. I would be smart to remember that before I stack on my program again!

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, August 18, 2013


I have a lot of willingness to change a lot of things to better my life. But today I figured out that there are some things in my life that I am not willing to change at all. The below story is the story of my family. As it states it is odd, and unique, and a bit boundary less - but it is what it is. I had to re-evaluate it for a minute today. Is my family structure going to be a problem for a new man coming into my life?

Friday, August 16, 2013

I have the best friends ever!

My mini heart break is healing ever so quickly-will all the love I have how could it not?! .....

Fwd: I'm sorry Honey. Its so hard but he knows how he didn't make it right for u. Now he has to really think about it while he misses u. God is with u on this and so am I. We know as they say this to shall pass. It doesn't help how u are feeling now but it will. God has a super fantastic guy lined up for u and he's coming. Now u will be open to see him. I Love You!!♡♥

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

He's really not that into me...

If you've read between the lines the last 6 months you could probably tell that I've been in a on and off again relationship. It opened up a big can of emotional whoop ass-none of which had anything to do with him. He was completely emotionally unavailable-but that isn't on him, as he is the 3rd emotionally unavailable man I have picked in a row. So I had to look at some hard stuff-I had to ask myself, is it maybe that I am emotionally unavailable?'ll be happy to know it isn't-I learned that in the last 6 months (see everything for a reason, painful or not) for some reason I am drawn to people who aren't healthy. My need to fix? Maybe. My rejection issues? Could be. My lack of self-esteem? Hope not! Whatever it is though I am willing to work on it, I am willing to walk through pain and discomfort to be to able to have a happy and healthy relationship.

I asked him not to txt me, and because I have very little self control I also asked him not to txt me back. Enough.

And just so I remember, this is why among 100 other reasons : He told me he wasn't ready to be boyfriend/girlfriend. But I still want to see you?? Translation: I want to sleep with you-but in no way be responsible for your feelings or emotions.

I'm out. And if you are a single woman and haven't read the book "He's really not that into you" I highly suggest it. It helps with translations!

Sunday, August 11, 2013

The Get over it Girl

I am walking through some serious discomfort right now-but I read the other day to lean into it, with no fear, and it will pass. It is coming from issues that I do not want to look at-I am the get over it when something in my life is to big for me to "get over" and I know that work, and processing, and pain will have to occur for me move on from it-it's rough. It almost feels that my heart has betrayed me. But I know that all growth, and all life lessons come at exactly the right time, to get you to where God wants you to be to receive his Grace. Thankfully I do understand that-makes sitting in discomfort just a bit more bearable.

Friday, August 2, 2013


Ha! Even typing that word makes me giggle. For so many years I had none, nor did I respect anyone else's.

Boundaries are a very new thing in my life. Setting them with love can be tough. Sometimes setting boundaries simply means removing unhealthy people from your life. And of course that would be the first description of boundaries I can come up with, being that I often remove people from my life out of fear of rejection, rather than just because they're toxic. Not to worry peeps I'm far from healthy. But I am learning, and observing my behavior.

Boundaries are important. In my mind if I have set clear ones than another persons behavior can affect my happiness very little. I often use the term "stay out of my hula hoop" what I mean by that is the hula hoop is my safety zone, it's my visual of my boundaries. If I'm spiritually fit, and my hula hoop is clear of rubbish-then even when I run across assholes in life I see them as sick people and my instinct is to have love and compassion for them. If I let my hoop get all mucky with everyone else's crap then I myself turn into the asshole.

I hope you all got something out of that babbling post! Lol!

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, July 22, 2013

A Family Disease

Lately I have seen first hand what the disease of addiction does to a family. It breaks it, it creates anxiety and fear in the heads and hearts of the family members affected. God, it's amazing for me to think that during my active addiction I didn't see that. I didn't see that my kids were worried about me, that they feared for my safety-so sad. I was supposed to be taking care of them, not the other way around. I didn't see that people walked on eggshells around me out of fear of my unpredictable reactions. I was not there for anybody, and to be honest only though about myself.

This morning I got up at 6:00 am to give someone their 30 day chip (And without going in to any details that would embarrass my Mom, I really did not want to get out of the particular bed I was in) but I did-I did because that is what I do today. I show up, I do what I say I'm going to do (well most of the time)I am present for the people in my life today.

Hope everyone is having a GREAT Monday!

Monday, July 15, 2013

I am...

I am a Mom, and a friend. I am a sister, and a daughter. I am a child of God. I am beautiful, and powerful beyond my comprehension. I am here to do great things. I know this.

But I am also full of fear, and sloth. I am terrified of failure, and of being alone. I am a messy mix of my greatest attributes, and my character defects.

I am human. And the more I remind myself of this-the more beautifully human I become.

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, July 14, 2013


I have been searching for inspiration lately. I don't seem to able to find any. I guess I am just blah. There's nothing wrong in my life-but there's also nothing going on that is lighting my inner flame. I am just kind of going through the motions.

I am doing what needs to be done...going to work, going to meetings, hanging with the kids, helping other alcoholics, but with all of that... I am still a bit restless.

Off to watch the Kardashians! Maybe that will inspire me! Lol

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, July 8, 2013

My Love Life

My love life is about as clear as muddy waters right now ...God...part of me is like -you have a ridiculous, un realistic, complete fairy tale perception of what a relationship is supposed to look-but the other part, the other part of me says-Bullshit! Why should I settle! I want to be in love. I don't just want -this will do-I want the whole deal...the omg, I totally love him! I want take my breath away, I totally adore you, I can not believe how lucky I am to have you kind if love!

One day-one day my prince will come!

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Happy 4th of July

This year is different-sad. I'm sure you all have heard of 19th firefighters we lost in the state of Arizona last Sunday. So devastating!

My company has had a 20 year relationship with the Arizona Forest Service. We bring food to them. I have the privilege of being the one to coordinate and take those calls. As with fire they are sporadic and unpredictable . They normally come in late at night, I then I have to wake my kitchens up. But it is always our honor.

We drove 3 meals up to Prescott this weekend. The hardest was of course Monday morning. The firefighters were quiet, and there was tragedy in the air. But as always they were helpful and kind. You don't really know what to say in a situation like that except "thank you" which I did manage to muster up. But it was so sad up there. It is one of those experiences that you never forget.

My heart is with the friends and family of the fallen.

This 4th of July please take a moment to pray for all the men and women who put their lives on the line to keep us safe.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Communication Problem

It seem that when it comes to my intimate relationships I have a bit of a communication problem. You see I didn't know this-being that my dating in sobriety have lasted about 2 seconds. I communicate, that's what I do. I talk about my story, my feelings, and my emotions-and by doing so hopefully help others to work through theirs.

But when it comes to dating someone...sharing who I am, how I feel, and what I want is really hard for me. This insecure, shy girl still lives inside me that is willing to put up with whatever from a man just because he's giving me attention (Daddy issues-I'm sure) but you know what? I am happy being by myself. For the first time in my life I don't need a man to make me happy, or to define who I am. With that being said that doesn't mean I'm not still a little bit broken.

Relationships in sobriety are tough.

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Father's Day

Beau (my oldest) sent me this earlier. As many of you know Beau has been a challenge the last few years, so when he does something thoughtful it is a big deal.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013


Why do you think I don't give anyone my heart? God has my heart, and always will. Doesn't mean I won't love again-just means the next time won't kill me.

I txt this to a friend going through a heartbreak. God, how it brought me back to the days that I had a broken heart-horrible! I never want to be in that spot again-ever! Looking back I now know that heartbreak was necessary to make me the woman I am today. I wouldn't change anything, I love who I am. But still, it really hurt.

I will be honest though I sometimes wonder what it will be like when I do fall in love. I never want "sick love" again. Love where I stop hanging out with my friends, where I stop having my independent, love where his reactions or behavior affects my happiness. To me that's not love-honestly I find that gross, and scary. And for me old behavior that I've had in every relationship, and that I never want again.

But I do want love.....

"May my heart be so close to God, that he has to chase him to find me"

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, June 2, 2013

The Weights Off

The pressures off. I didn't realize how stressed I was about Beau graduating-until Beau graduated. Last night at a meeting I must have gotten told 10 times that I looked happy, and relaxed. The great news is I feel happy and relaxed. If you've been reading this blog for awhile you know I didn't graduate from high school-my teenage years were crazy, and out of control. So Beau not graduating was completely unacceptable to me! With that being said I also knew that I had to accept if he didn't, and trust me he almost didn't! Acceptance. I practice it, I preach about it, I completely realize the importance of it-but it had been a very long time since an outcome was so important that acceptance was truly difficult. So I did everything I could do. For the last few weeks I made Beau graduating my full time job. And now that he has I feel the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.

One down, one to go!

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Fwd: Long Amazing Week

Sent from my iPhone

Begin forwarded message:

From: Emily <>
Date: May 26, 2013, 5:53:16 PM MST
Subject: Long Amazing Week

It has been a long week. Coming home from a trip, the flu, a break-up, family in town, graduation, birthday parties. Name a emotion and chances are I've had it this week. I am tired. So grateful for my life, but tired. Emotions can do that to 'ya.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Beau Graduates

This was going to be my face book post this morning, but I took it down to Congratulations Beau. It has not been an easy 4 years, to say the least. In fact it has been down right horrible.

Honestly I can't believe he's graduating. I wish I felt joy, or pride or something other that ...flat line...I guess I feel kind of flat line. Maybe that's because up until Monday whether or not he was graduating was still up in the air, and I couldn't really be excited until I knew it was for sure...and what was a going to say if he didn't...with announcements our, a party planned, and family coming into town. It's been stressful to say the least. But he is graduating, and on time, and it is time for me to be proud of him...the last 4 years haven't been that easy on him either. ❤

It is with pride, and a little bit of shock Beau graduates today-from his original high school and on time...miracles happen. 

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Hot Yoga University

I am about to walk into yoga. I haven't been in a month. How soon I forgot the wonderful studio I belong to. My yoga studio is just one more place where I feel loved, and at home. That is a big deal for me. There were so, so many years that I didn't feel loved or at home no matter where I was. The fact that today there are places I can go where my souls sings makes me so very grateful!!

Thank you, Yoga University!

Saturday, May 18, 2013


I am home safe and sound. I am home a little more humbled, a little more in awwww over my life, and what it is becoming. I'm not sure I have the words to explain the last few do you explain the feeling of being around greatness. I spoke at a establishment that was created by a legend (and I didn't even know it)...I was half way through the event when I realized that Father Martin was the very same man who did "Chalk Talk" (look it up) half of what we hear in recovery came from him (I am sure if he were here he'd correct me on that-it came God...but his delivery was ingenious!) His explanation on the disease of alcoholism is spot on. I'm guessing that not knowing was what kept me right sized. God is VERY smart! Father Martin's Ashley is a beautiful, spiritual place. I feel in love the second I set foot on its campus. My very favorite part was when I entered their chapel...I looked to the right and of course found Holy water, but when I looked down the isles every pew had a Recovery Bible. It was a perfect combination as far as I'm concerned. As for my speech-it went great! I stepped in front of the microphone and the words just came to me, as they always do. I sure wish I would have just had faith that would happen-instead of torturing the hell out of myself the night before. Maybe next time :)

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Father Martin's Ashley

I feel honored to be part of such a special event today! I'll blog more about it later-now I must rest!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

My Bio

Emily Sadler has made it her mission to lift the stereotype of alcoholism and to help the people suffering from this fatal disease feel less alone. She has told her story in People magazine, on Dr. Phil, and in the documentary Lipstick and Liquor. Although she admits it isn't always easy sharing the most painful and vulnerable time of her life, she has no doubt that it is what she is meant to do. Emily believes that by opening it up, by putting it out there, by keeping the conversation on addiction and alcoholism alive, lives will be saved. Emily is also a motivational speaker and blogger (


 I am flying to Washington DC next week to share my story.  I am super raw right now.  In order to get prepared to speak I had to mentally go back to what it was like. I rarely do fact I don't do it at all-unless the story can help another alcoholic. It is uncomfortable, and it makes me sad. I forget how much I have been through-and I like it that way.

 I look at my past as a set of my very own encyclopedias. I can take one down from the shelf, share the information, and gently place it back up on the shelf until I need them next. Right now I feel like I have them all open at once, and it is upsetting.

This seems to happen when I share publicly. I guess everyone would do it if it was easy, right!?

Friday, May 3, 2013

Starting the Conversation

Dr.Ravi of the Journey Healing Center was on the panel that we had after the premier of Lipstick...he said something that's took my breath away..."My wife is a cardiologist-a heart doctor, and I have lost more patients this year than she has. More patients to addiction, than to heart failure...unbelievable"

When are we going to stop acting as if alcoholism and addiction isn't fatal. Everyone skirts around it, no one wants to talk about it, and certainly no one wants to call anyone else out. But what if we started talking openly about it, started talking about it before someone loses their life. What if calling someone out is the very thing that saves their life? All questions that it is time to start asking!

And here's another thing PREVENTION, does anyone talk about that-ever!?