Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Last Drink

I understand now what they mean when they say the further away you get from your last drink, the closer you are to your next. It's true. As the memories fade of the days of my active alcoholism...I start forgetting how truly terrible it was. I am starting to forget the days when even in a room full of people I felt all alone, the day when yelling and screaming were a daily occurrence, the days when alcohol ruled my life, and my thoughts. I must move on, but I mustn't forget. For it is by remembering that I am of service to other alcoholics, for it is by remembering that I don't fall back into the trap.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Good Morning

That's it? That's all I have to say? God, I do have writers block.
I was just thinking of how grateful I am to be a Mom this morning...in fact it is my facebook status. I remember a time when that wasn't the case. I remember the days where I got the kids ready for school hung over from my bed (not my proudest Mommy memory) Now I am awake, and present, and happy to be their Mom.

I am off to work now. xo

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Guest Bloggers?

Okay, everyone...who would like to guest blog? I have very little to say these days, and I feel that it is affecting the blog. If you would like to guest blog please email me at emily@emilyism.com.

I would love to have you share your story, or share on a topic that you are going through ,or have gotten past.

Writers block...I have it-big time.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Wings and a Halo

I had some friends suffer a great loss this week, the greatest one you could ever have actually. I went through every emotion. I just got back for a gather with them. I cried the whole way home. Nobody should have to go through what they are. It breaks my fucking heart...but you see I can feel it, and for me that is new. If they needed me I could show up today, and that is also new. As I much as I cared, and wanted to be there for people, I never really was. Not if it got in the way of me, my drinking, or what I wanted. I know I am all over the board tonight, but it's just where I am right now.

And for my dear friends-
I pray for Gods grace, may the Angel you now have show up in brilliant and amazing places to bless you. She was a bright light, and every single person that knew her was blesses. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Guilty Parenting

I think one of the biggest things that stops Moms from getting sober is guilt, guilt for what they have done to their children, guilt for not being there, for driving drunk, for not being in the moment. Just plain old gross guilt.

But the fact is the only way to fix it, is to go sober. Lots of days I still feel guilty about the damage that may have been done to my kids as a result of my drinking. But you know what?...that doesn't help them one little bit. What happened, happened. All I can do is stay sober and show them that I have taken responsibility for my actions. They need to know that, as they will be responsible for their own actions as they become adults. I also came from an "alcoholic" family, but I can't go around blaming my problems on that, and I don't want my kids going around blaming their problems on me or anyone else for that matter. I now have tools, a God, and a clear head to guide my kids, to help them take responsibility for their actions, by showing them that I am taking responsiblity for mine. That is a blessing and a direct result of hard work in sobriety.

Monday, March 5, 2012

The Solutiom

1. Take the day off, and go to a meeting. (on it...well actually I'm on the couch...which is great!)

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Telling on Myself

I worked 16 hours straight yesterday without eating, or drinking a glass of water, I haven't been to a meeting in Gods knows how long, I am sick, and thought about how great it would feel to drink cough syrup, I've thought about smoking about 100 times in the last few weeks, I am neglecting my kids because of work, my house is a disaster, and I am turning into a complete bitch...there now you know.