Monday, December 31, 2012

2013

2012 was the best year of my life-hands down. Last year I set some intentions, and every one if them came true. I'm living the life of my dreams. If an outsider looked at my life they may see a life far from perfect...but for me, for this alcoholic it has met and exceeded every expectation I ever could have had.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, December 24, 2012

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house kids are running crazy, no one's as quiet as any kind of mouse. The stockings are hung by the entry way table with care...as with every year-Santa knows they are there. I in my uggs and John in his cap would very much like to settle in for some kind of nap.

While out from behind the Christmas tree there arose such a clutter-I sprung to my feet to see what was the matter....it was just Elfvis "our elf on the shelf" behind naughty as normal, just being himself.

I"M BACK....
It's 2 days after Christmas, the decorations are put away and life is starting to get back to normal. I love Christmas-but I also love when it's over :)

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Xoxo

Testing :)
Sent from my iPhone

Sober Christmas

Another sober Christmas...another Christmas I will remember...another Christmas that I will gratefully not make an ass of myself...another Christmas that it will be about Jesus and not about me...another Christmas that I will try to help people...another Christmas I will not be drinking   and driving...another Christmas that I can be proud of....another Christmas-leading into another year of sobriety and grace...for that I am THANKFUL.

Friday, December 21, 2012

4 Days till Christmas

Okay-would you like to explain to me how that happened?? Where the heck did the month go?? I am grateful to say that I am almost finished Christmas shopping, but all of the other 100 things that I wanted to do this holiday season aren't done-dang it! We did bake sugar cookies, and go look at lights....but we didn't go to Zoo lights, or the train park...or-or-or.......

I guess I'll talk about "enough" it never feels like enough for me -we haven't done enough cool stuff, I haven't bought enough presents, we don't have enough decorations-whatever it is I don't ever feel that it is enough................yes, it is part of our dieEASE. Never enough alcohol, or food, or men, or WHATEVER...

So this year I am telling myself it is enough. It is perfect, and everything is magical, and bright, and wonderful-and most of all ENOUGH.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

No Comments

I feel like having a bit of a tantrum over the fact no one comments any more...it makes me :(

I went to a funeral today...that also made me :(

Besides that life is good.

Now you go...

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Tragic

Last night I held my kids just a little bit tighter. I appreciated my life just a little bit more.

As I took a moment to be heartbroken for the families that will never be able to hold their children again. My God-I can't even imagine, I won't lie...I questioned my faith for a second, and asked God what the fuck he was thinking letting that happen. But I know all to well that if we question the tragedy's, we then have to question all of the miracles.

I mentally moved on to how I would present this horrible information to my 12 year old. Do we talk about evil? Do we talk about mentally illness? What do I do when he questions God? How the hell do you tell a 12 year that some crazy ass shot 20 innocent babies for no reason. How do you turn that into a life lesson of any kind.....I did my best, thanks to a face book friend.....

Mr Roger Mom once told him that in the face of tragedy look for the helpers. They will always be there. Focus on that. That is what I told Gavin yesterday. I told him about what happened, and told him that when he sees it on TV to focus on the helpers. There will be many. I then told him to always try to be one.

It is a bitter sweet thing that tragedy brings us closer together, the pain unites us, the sorrow spreads love and empathy......What if we could learn to do that without tragedy's? Would they stop happening?


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

In the Moment

My job is crazy town right now, I go to meetings,  I have 3 sponcees, a boyfriend, 2 kids, I do yoga, I'm on weight watchers....but yet I still have time to go to crazy town in my mind-it's flipping ridiculous.

I have mentally been all over the place lately. So far out the moment that I'm missing them. I have an amazing life, but by not staying in the present second I miss it. The magic in life happens in the moment...not in the past, not in mentally making up you future...but in the moment-and I know this...yet time and time again lately I feel myself needing to mentally reel it back in. I suppose I should just be grateful that I have tools and the ability to "reel back in", I didn't always-and it sucked.

Dear Lord,
Please help me stay in the moment, and enjoy the love-grace-and sobriety you have blessed me with. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Love,
Emily

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Does Blogging it make it real?



He looks really familiar, right!? If you've read this whole blog than you know that  handsome man is John-the man I was dating when I started this blog, the man who left me, went and got engaged-breaking my heart, and the very same man that without even knowing it gave me the time and strength to become the women I am today, the man that has been my best friends with for the last 8 years, and the same brilliant man who finally pulled his head out of his ass and declared his love for me.....smarty:)

He's been back in my life for awhile now, but I just didn't feel like blogging about him. It's like once it hits the blog it's real. Weird that I feel that way, being that it's actually the other way around-but whatever.

John and I put our relationship in God's hands along time ago. We followed the rule "Let's not do any damage to it, just in case" and we didn't. Even when I was out there dating, I was careful, and gentle with him. We knew that if we were supposed to be together that we would be, and now we are.

Dear God,
May you always be in the center of our love. Please help us to always be kind, patient, and loving to each other.
I love you,
Emily

Friday, November 23, 2012

5 Years

5 years ago today my life changed forever. I admitted I was powerless over alcohol. At that time I had no clue what that really meant, but it didn't matter-I knew I had to quit drinking-and I knew that was going to be no small task. Obsession of the mind totally had me-all I could think about was drinking. And the thought of not ever drinking again seemed unobtainable to me.

Getting sober was hard-emotionally, physically and mentally. I have journal after journal telling me so...but here is the good new-I don't really remember. It seems like forever ago.

 It seems like forever ago...
That I stood outside waiting to be be picked up and taken to my first meeting. I had never been to one. Looking back now that is a good thing, I had no contempt prior to investigation. I was scared-but no so much scared to go sober, as to the consequences that lay ahead. My boyfriend had left me, I had no job, I had a DUI to deal with, the loss of my drivers license for 2 years, I was half the Mom that I intended to be, I had no job, and no friends left. Every excuse to drink, right!? That is why the most brilliant advice you can give a person getting sober is "Just don't drink" because all of that "stuff" that seems like such a HUGE deal, isn't....it gets cleared up in sobriety....Every time I would say "I need to do this, or I need to do that" the response from other sober people was always the same "You don't know what you need. just stay sober." because of their calm clear advice my foundation is solid. I was really sick 5 years ago, Alcohol insanity had me, and the old timers in the meetings knew it. I went to a meeting everyday at 6:30 and the first few months I would fall asleep on the table. I could hear my sponsor respond to the people asking if maybe I shouldn't be woken up, she always answered the same"She'll wake up when she's ready" and I did. Not as quickly as some would have liked-but I did. I woke up and I listened, and I prayed, and I didn't drink. I didn't drink, no matter how bad, or lonely, or tired, or sad I felt-I didn't drink. And because of that I have a life far better that I ever could have dreamed-ever.

Thank you, thank you for being part of my journey. I am forever grateful.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving




I am thankful for so much this year, I don't even know where to start. My kids, my sobriety, my job, my family, my friends, my life.

It's so easy to say we are grateful for the many blessings in our lives, but I think gratitude is a verb. How do we  treat the people, things, and situations we are grateful for? Do we treat them with respect and love? Or do we take them for granted? I have found (and often the hard way) that we lose whatever we are not grateful for.

So even if something is trying your patience, stay in gratitude. They are only kids for a minute. That elderly family member who gets on your last nerves won't always be here, and you will miss them when they are gone. That food that you are exhausted from cooking- some have no food to cook. The house you spent hours cleaning......you get it. BE GRATEFUL!

I love you all. And I am SUPER grateful for you.......and this blog!!

Oh' and the fact that tomorrow I will be 5 years sober :)

Monday, November 19, 2012

Ain't no Mountain High Enough

Today the boys and I climbed Mummy Mountain. It was a GREAT day. First off, any day that I spend time with the boys where we are all "in the moment' is a great day. As they get older, and have lives of their own this special times seems to happen less and less-I feel that I am grasping onto the moments that I have with them.



 Today Gavin was little again-searching for rocks, carving things, just being little. He is standing on that line between little boy and teenager. It is a wonderful thing to watch. He is one of the funniest children I know. I just adore him, and I am in no hurry for him to grow up
Then there is Beau, also standing on the line...the line between teenager and adult. He is evolving into the man I always knew he would be. He was the brightest most serious little boy, and now he is a bright serious man. I am so proud of who he has become. In the last year I have seen this out of control teenager mature into a man I am proud of.
 

 
            They really are my light.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Love



 
Last night in yoga I was reminded of something I use to do while I was in a deep depression...it is crazy the practices we forget when we no longer need them to survive.
 
The yoga instructor was going through each part of our bodies "Relax your feet, now feel your toes." and so and, so on. It reminded me of the depressed days on my couch-when I would start at my toes and with all my heart think-happy, happy, happy (or love or whatever survival word I had chosen for the day) into each body part. It was almost like mentally rebooting my brain chemistry. It was powerful. And the amazing thing about it is that it worked.

                                                    The power of thought-it is amazing.

So today on your journey through this crazy hectic world  be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself as if you were your best friend...with love, and understanding. You are perfect, you are perfect right now, right where you are.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Yoga and Sobriety

I have committed to doing HOT yoga for 21 days. It is hard, and I feel close to death each and every time I go...but the sense of accomplishment I feel when I am finished is amazing. Very much like sobriety-hard, and painful-but worth it!

The practice of yoga is very much like working a recovery program-they speak of the same things..."Let Go" "Be positive" "Do your best" You have to commit to it, and keep on going whether or not you want to or whether or not it 'feels' good, Even if every fiber in your body is screaming that you can't do it-go anyway...try anyway!

There is also one HUGE difference between sobriety and yoga. If you miss a day of yoga you probably won't die-but if you skip a day of sobriety you just might. I know that sounds dramatic, but it really isn't, untreated alcoholism will eventually kill you, or worse yet land you in a hospital, jail, or institution-no fun-no fun at all!

Off to yoga I go....Namaste

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Powerful Women

 
LA was amazing, and brilliant. I am so grateful I was able to go. It renewed my spirit, and reminded me why I do what I do. It's not always easy to be so public about my sobriety, but I see why it is necessary. If no one is willing to stand on the firing line and talk openly about it then alcoholism will stay the dirty, little shameful secret it always has been. It doesn't deserve that much power.
 
I got to meet all of the beautiful women in the documentary-what a powerful force.
 
 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

LA Bound

For some reason last night I was very conflicted....was I going to LA because of my ego? Were my intentions not pure? Why did it seem that the trip was being blocked if it was Gods will for me to go?

It took awhile, but I finally let go and let God. I am going to LA. I am going because I believe it will help the documentary, I believe it is important-not only to get the word out...but also to show that all of the beautiful women in the documentary are safe, sound and still sober today. To show that sobriety works-if you work it, and that it is 100% worth every ounce of pain it takes to get sober. I believe if they asked any 4 of us "Was it worth it" the answer would be an unanimous "yes." I am going because I am a part of something very special-and I want to be there.

I text my friend that is going with me that we were on a shoe string budget...she txt back ..."Who needs to eat?... lol" Now that's a good friend. I may be broke-but I am so flipping blessed.

Off to LA we go.....................................

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Deep Breath

Two seconds away from throwing in the towel.....

One of the last things to do before leaving was get my car checked to make sure it is trip ready-it is NOT. Needs new front breaks-along with numerous other things. The mechanic is a family friend, so it really does need it.

 I am financially cutting it way to close.

Is it worth it? What are my motives? Do I really need to go?

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Help Emily get to LA

As many of you know a few years back I shot a documentary called "Lipstick and Liquor" Well, that very same documentary has been chosen to be in the "Reel Recovery Film Festival" Which is a HUGE deal, and if I have my way will start to lift the stereotype of the "alcoholic women" We are not bad Moms, nor bad people...we are sick with a fatal disease - the second we take the courageous step into sobriety we are then sick-getting better. There are thousands of women that won't reach out, that won't ask for help because of the judgment attached to  the word alcoholic...well here's the deal it's a disease, you wouldn't judge someone for having cancer-now would you?

Okay, off my soap box and to the point. So far the screenings have been too many miles away for me to attend...but there's one next week in LA...that's only 6 little hours away from Phoenix...I can go! Well, with  little help from my friends. I am gladly accepting donations to help pay for this trip-just click the donate button (it works now) any amount will help! (Thank you ahead of time :)

One more thing - if you live in LA and would like to attend the documentary please let me know. How cool would that be!!!!


(Also I promise to let 'ya all know when it is available to watch on-line :)

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

All in God's Time

 
All of things I prayed for are happening-in God's time. Here's the thing about "God's time" it's sure as heck not mine. God is slower, plain and simple. If I look at my life today and I think back really hard everything I have, everything I am, I at one time prayed about it. Now my expectations from that prayer was for it to happen some time that day, or if God was really busy sometime that week...but that's not how it works...I get it now-well sort of. God has to get you from point A to point B while making sure that you learn the lesson you need to learn, and that you help the people you need to help then if it's the best thing for you he does grant wishes per say, or blesses goals...how ever you want to look at it.

Give God all of the responsibility and all of the praise (that's in this really smart book I read) I take that sentence very seriously. Everything I have accomplished, every bit of Grace I have, everything I am today is because of God...that's it. If I look at it any other way it's ego (easing God out)  Now that's not to say I haven't worked really hard, I have...God has just taken that hard work and worked it all out in a way that no human power could have...and for that I am grateful.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Check out this blog....

Check out my brilliant cousin-in-laws blog. She is such a fashion genius!! Her blog is not only darling, but smart!!



               http://www.rebeccadashow.com

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Weight Watchers

I was thinking today how bad it would suck trying to do weight watchers if I was still drinking. For those of you who know nothing about weight watchers...you count points-a chicken breast is 2 points- a can of beer is 4....you're only allowed like 25 points a day... Catch my drift?? Even with the 46 cheat point you get per week you would have to keep it at no more than like 4 beers per day.....no flipping way could I have ever done that...control my drinking?! RIGHT!?

That's really all I have on my mind today. Life is going along pretty well.....what about you guys??


Sunday, September 30, 2012

Coping Skills

I shared at a meeting this morning and my focus kept on coming back to coping skills. So I guess today I will stay with that topic and chat a bit about coping skills....

I flipping had none-nada-zero......When you come from a family that drinks (I won't call my family an alcoholic family as my Mom will kick my ass, but you get my point.) coping skills are not taught. When the adults in a family drink to cope with THEIR stress it is nearly impossible for them to pass down healthy coping skills to their children. They have a program for just that reason called Adult children of alcoholics.

Coping skills are one of biggest blessings that the program has given me. I have solutions and skills to cope with whatever life puts in front of me. On top of that being a healthy adult with coping skills I have the ability and knowledge to teach my children coping skills.

In this day in age most people are lacking the ability to handle life on lives terms....it is so much quicker to pick up a drink or a drug....so the fact of the matter is they should have coping skill taught in every school in America to help stop the next generation from the train wreck they are headed towards. But they have no such class. Kids are dying at an alarming rate, and all we can worry about is the fucking budget. Gross really.

Anyway, I feel blessed today-Blessed that I have skills, blessed that I have a sober and sound mind, blessed that I have a place to go where I am loved and embraced. Just all around blessed for the life that sobriety has given me.

Monday, September 24, 2012

A weekend in review...

It was a long weekend...this may sound weird, but I am happy that it is Monday. The house is quiet-as the little noise makers are off at school. I'm going to work from home today-I am so grateful to have that flex ability.

As for my weekend...it was emotional. In fact I had a bit of a break down. I took Gavin and some friends to our local high school football game. And what should have been fun-was not. That high school is the very same one that my oldest got his jaw broken at last year. Just being there brought back sadness, and a bit of anger. Beau wants to go back to that school after winter break to graduate. Which I will back up 100% - after checking to make sure it doesn't traumatize him.

On top of that I had a HUGE pity party over still being a single Mom. I had just had it-my insides felt like broken glass-its been a long time since I have felt that way.

Gavin had a baseball game up north the next day and just the though of going alone made me want to crumble. I snapped...on John...who is presently playing the part of stand in guy (I guess) I could write a book on our relationship-but how about I don't. He ended up going with me, as he is not a big fan of hearing me be a huge mess.

It did get better after that. Gavin pitched a shut out inning. I am so glad I went, missing that would have stunk.

Oh' and weight watchers is going great. I'm down 9 pounds:)

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Sobriety Sunday

It is Sunday, and I am sober. By the Grace of God, I am sober. Grateful, and sober, and happy, and content. Now lets talk about how I got that way.....

I made a decision that my was unacceptable to me, and that drinking was the reason. Then I prayed, then worked my ass of. What I have been blessed with takes hard work, but it there for everyone who wants it.                                   It is, I promise.

So if you are sick of the way you are living, If alcohol or drugs are controlling your life, If you can see no out, and have very little hope left....please know that you are not alone, I felt that way once-but not anymore. You can change it all around. You can have a better life. But that change starts with you.

How long have you been thinking that you need to do something about your drinking?

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Lonley

I have an amazing God, the perfect job, two beautiful healthy children, a new car, great friends and solid sobriety...I could go on and on about my blessings and how grateful I am for them.

With that being said, I am also a bit lonely. I have been single for a very long time, in fact most of my sobriety. As you have read I have been on a few dates over the years, but I have yet to find that special one. Being alone is getting old. I am glad that I have learned to live alone, to take care of me, and that I can support myself without a man. But still-I'm lonely.

They say that you meet the special one when you stop looking. But I give that a big huge WHATEVER! lol

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Fragile


It is amazing to me how mentally fragile I still am. I forget. I forget where I came from. How bad it actually was. Being out of my mind, having no control over my thoughts and the scary-horrible places they took me to.  I was insane. It was horrible. It seems so long ago. I forget.

Until I don't. Until somethings occurs that triggers me, that brings back those old feelings. I know what to do today. I am the master of my own thoughts. I decide where they go. I didn't always have that gift. Insanity use to be able to grab my thoughts and run with them. Not anymore.

But my state of mind is a fragile thing. I must treat it with care. I am by no means "cured" it is more like being in remission. If I don't take care of myself I will once again become sick.

I don't like being throw back to thinking of that dark time in my life, but I understand that it is necessary. For each time it happens I am more and more grateful for my sobriety, for my sanity, for my life.


Saturday, August 25, 2012

Weight Watchers

Yup, I joined. After 3 years of trying to get my weight under control I finally admitted to myself that I needed help. I chose weight watchers because I do very well with structure....and meetings:) So far-so good-I am on my 3rd day-and loving it! It's a brilliant program actually. And with the apps and website they have, it's super easy. I have yet to feel hungry!

I knew some gals in the meeting I went to...they asked what my skinny ass was doing there?! (lol) It's not that I have a ton of weight to lose, it's that my eating was out of control. I was eating like I drank-to much, to often, and to cover my emotions. Great example of the saying "Put the cork in the bottle-and the fridge flies open."

Have any of you been on Weight Watchers? Do you have any tips?

Friday, August 24, 2012

In your Skin

The other day I observed someone who was clearly uncomfortable in their own skin...I remember being there-the feeling of crawling out of your skin, of not fitting in, of having no clue who you were, and being scared as shit as to who you were going to become...being lost, and confused. I think everyone feels that way in the beginning of sobriety.

Or maybe we felt that way since the beginning, and that's why booze came into play...who knows? All I know is that by the grace of God, and my recovery program, I am happy and comfortable being me. I never in a million year thought that would happen.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Another Attempt

I have attempted to update the blog easily 25 times in the last week...I log on-get kicked off-I write a post-it disappears-so on and so on...ANNOYING!

So here I go, giving it another shot....

 I had surgery on my hand this week. They put me all the way out, which was a bit scary. But it all went well. It hurts a little bit, but not enough to bull shit my way into a pain killers prescription:) I warned the doctor that I was an alcoholic/addict and not to write me one. As silly as it seems I was actually pretty proud of myself for that.

Besides that-life has been going pretty great. The boys are back in school, and it has been quite on the home front. And if you were wondering...the teenager was well behaved while I was out of town (thank you for your prayers)

I am going to go ahead and post this now before it major mailfunctions:)

I miss you all, and promise to post more often!

Friday, August 3, 2012

A Girls Weekend





Pedicures, lunch, a meeting, and then relaxing by the lake...could it get any better? I think not.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Privileged Problems

On my home from work today I had a huge sense of anxiety...When I looked at the root of it-it was all coming from financial fear...yuck!

I am going out of town this Friday (on a girls weekend-fun right!?)  and I'm tight on money because I had a $300.00 surprise expense last month. Sucks, but what I should be is grateful that I had the money to cover the emergency. But instead of staying in gratitude I actually was upset that I couldn't afford to get my nails done before I left-ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME! What an over privileged brat I have become. There was a time in sobriety were we were eating out of food boxes and I couldn't pay our rent.... and I have anxiety over finger nails??? OMG.

It may be time to reel myself back in.

Anyway enough of that...I am soooo excited to head out of town....It is like a million degrees here, and it's been a long time since I've had a break. Now with that being said if everyone could pray that my teenager behaves that would be great. If you've read this blog from the beginning you know that the only time he's ever been in BIG trouble are the two times I've been out of town-BRAT!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Grateful

I just got an email informing me that I had been chosen as one of the top 10 blogs on alcholism. What a neat honor!

Check out the other blogs that were picked! They are some of my favorites!!


http://www.kwikmed.org/20-exceptional-alcohol-addiction-resources/

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Reason Why

The e-mail below and ones like it are the reason I keep blogging. If I can help one person get one step closer to sobriety than I am as blessed as they are.  Thank you Emily, and great job on your sobriety!!

Hi Emily! (I'm Emily also!)
I just wanted to let you know I love
Your blog and website. I relate to practically everything you have to say!
I am about 20 months sober now. I remember in the Spring or Summer before I got sober I saw you on Dr. Phil and emailed you. At that point I knew I needed to change something, but of
course didn't understand that I was an alcoholic. I finally took the steps towards sobriety, through rehab and then after (and now of course still) AA. It has given me such an amazing life so far.
I remember reading your blog, before I got sober, and not thinking sobriety was possible. Thank you for all of your inspiring words!

- Emily

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Sobriety Sunday

 I was talking to a friend yesterday about the underline uncomfortableness (not sure if that's even a word, but you get my drift) that sober people live with. I didn't even know I had it until I got really sick last winter and took cough syrup...holy crap, within seconds I felt the escape from that uncomfortable feeling. To say the least I threw the cough syrup out, before I drank the whole bottle...some can take it-I can not. If you've read this whole blog you know I almost lost my sobriety over a painkiller (there's another one, some can-I can not) Not only do mind altering substances disconnect me from the God that keeps me sober, but they sort of put me on this pity party frame of mind "why should I have to live with every fucking feeling, why can't I have an out, POOR ME!"

So... I don't drink cough syrup, take painkillers, or drink non-alcoholic beer. I don't eat things cooked in alcohol, use mouth was with booze in it, or drink fake champagne...like I said "Some can-I can not"

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Right Now

Right now, right this second there is nothing wrong in my world. I have some shit I have to deal with tomorrow, and some stuff in the past that needs to be cleaned up...but right this second if it I allow it to be, I am at peace.

It is when we go racing into the future, or mentally running through our past that we screw our selves out of the momentt...at least that's what I think.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My past

In recovery they say that you will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. It's true. I don't regret it, shit I hardly even remember it...that is of course until I do...there are times my disease screws with me...it whispers....you didn't graduate, you had a baby when you were 20, you live in a apartment, you are not good enough...it tries to bring back the shame I once had...I know that if it succeeds I will drink again, that is not an option.

I remind myself that I am a strong, beautiful, caring, independent women. I take an honest look at what I have done the last four years, and I allow myself to feel a moment of pride. I am a walking miracle. I had people of strong, strong faith wondering how God was going to pull if off....But pull it off he did. I am a walking witness that God can do anything.

I am now stepping down from my soap box.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Life

They say if you're not working on your recovery that you're working on a relapse. Scary right!? How many of us actually do everything we're supposed to do in recovery? Not I-that's for sure.

It use to be that no matter what I was doing I got on here and talked about my feelings, and where I was in my recovery process. I did it to help myself, but I also did it to help you. To help the people that were at home, lonely, and scared, and confused. This disease traps you in thinking you are alone, and I wanted to be a small part in kicking that process in the ass. I never want anyone to feel completely alone in this disease, because you aren't. Not only are not alone, but you are understood, and loved.

Where am I today? Content. Amazed daily at the miracles that have happened in my life. It true what they say "Don't give up before the miracle." Had I given up I never would have know that God was going to answer all of my prayers. That life was going to become this amazing, beautiful thing that I am proud of. If you are just starting this process, or restarting for the 2, or 3rd, or 10th time my advice to you is to release yourself from judgement. It is to start anew. To let go of everything you think you know, so that you mind and heart are clear to learn everything new. You can do this...I promise. If you have any questions, if you need any help email me...emily@emilyism.com. You are not alone. And I get that mind set -I don't want to bother her, she's to busy- that's crap, that kind of thinking is what keeps you from reaching out for help. Helping you is what keeps me sober. If you need some help-ask for it!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Why test your teen?

Are you wondering if your teen is using, but they keep on denying it? Does every parental instinct you have say something is going on? Yet, you can't prove it. Or maybe you just plan out know their using drugs, and need that hard proof to be able and take the next step...getting them help.

www.testingyourteen.com

Raising a teenager is tough. I know, I have one. You dream of this perfect child, blown to shit. That perfect scholar, the athlete you always dreamed of...that "normal" kid you wanted...You may ask yourself..what the hell happened?? The last thing in the entire world we want for our kids is for them to walk the same painful path we did, But what do you do? I thought informing kids about drugs, and the disease of addiction and alcoholism would stopped them from experimenting, but in many cases it doesn't. One theory blown...but do you give up? No, you do not. They need you to stay in the game, to guide them, to love them even when they are disappointing you.

I drug test my kids. Why? Because I believe that you have a short window to teach children to deal with their feelings and emotions, before they turn to drugs, if we know where our children are in that process it helps us to help them...it is not always easy to know...sometimes I would like to be in a bubble about it all, but that isn't what being a parent is all about...STAY IN THE GAME...

Please check out ... www.testingyourteen.com

Saturday, June 9, 2012

6th Grade



The first picture is Beau and his "crew" in 6th grade, and the second is Gavin and his. Cool to see. I love my boys so much. And I'm learning that in order to be a happy, and good Mom you must love your children for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Should be the rule in every relationship, really...but I'm working on it:)

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Cravings

Last night I wanted to drink, I mean REALLY wanted to. I could  almost taste it. It took me back to the days that cravings were a daily occurrence. Scary, it was really scary. I have tools today to deal with cravings, but it's been months since I've had one. It could be that I am off sugar. I believe that in many cases alcoholism is a allergic reaction to sugar. So maybe that was it. But all I know is regardless of why, it scared me. I was in a safe place, with someone who would have NEVER let me drink, but still? What if I wasn't. Am I strong enough to do the right thing? Would I go to a meeting? Would I call my sponsor? Would I reach out and ask for help? I'm not sure...and that in its self it is petrifying.

Weigh in Wednesday

161

Thursday, May 24, 2012

A week in the life of Emily

"Gavin and his girl"
"Batter Up"









"OUCH"


What a week....Gavin graduated from 6th grade...I got 17 stitches in my finger....Mom's in town....and had a little fun at work!




Weigh in Wednesday (on Thursday)

162...which pisses me off. I'm feeling much thinner, so maybe I should worry less about what the scale says, and more about how I am feeling.


Thursday, May 17, 2012

Dry Drunk

What is a dry drunk? Me...lol...no, just kidding. It is when your behavior sober is the same as your behavior drunk.

I am on one right now. I am angry, angry, angry at my teenager. He is on  my last nerve. Instead of staying calm and spiritual, I am screaming my head off and calling him names...It seems that he cares not one bit about his life. I'm putting more time into his life than I am into my own, and it shows...I am a mess.

I am going to step my program up a notch, and I am thinking some alnon may be in the cards...

Monday, May 14, 2012

Just Do It

Make a plan. Tell a friend. Take a step. Commit to the process. Measure your progress. Connect with people. Stay flexible. Push through resistance. Counter objections. Move through fear. TUNE OUT negative people. Fight perfectionism. Keep yourself motivated. And whatever you do, keep going.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Weigh in Wednesday

161...4 pounds lost. Not as much as I wanted to, but still I lost some, which is great. Last week I set two goals 1. not to drink any soda...which I stuck to with flying colors 2. to take a walk every day...which I sucked at....I didn't even take 1 walk the entire week....but I took one tonight, so I have that going for me:)

My goal for this week is to do some form of exercise every day....I hate exercising, but I will commit to doing it for 7 days straight. It's a total bonus that we just happened to take a family walk after dinner tonight. Day 1 down, score!

Welcome our new guest blogger, Alison!

It Starts with Step One

Freedom from complete defeat. Funny how that works. The only way to break free of bondage is to admit powerlessness over alcohol. If you would have told me that five years ago, I would have laughed in your face and poured another drink. But today, I get it. In order to experience an abundant life without drugs and alcohol, I have to accept that I can’t, God can. Not always an easy task for an egomaniac like myself.

It seems the spiritual world is full of paradoxes. We must be weak to be strong. We must lose ourselves to find ourselves. We receive love by giving love. We experience freedom when we serve God and others. We discover life when we die to self. We must surrender to regain power. God’s love is a free gift, but we must continuously take action if we wish to receive it.

One of the first lessons I learned upon entering the rooms of AA is that I am in charge of the work and God is in charge of the outcome. In other words, I can’t sit on my butt and expect prayers to be answered—I have to work for them. That’s the difference between sobriety and recovery: sobriety is merely abstaining from drugs and alcohol; recovery is working toward a purposeful, God-powered life without drugs and alcohol.

I may think I have everything under control, but the truth of the matter is, I don’t. My life is not my own, but I must own my recovery. I like that, because at least I am in control of something. Each day, I ask God to help me accept the things I cannot change (people, places and things) and the courage to change the things I can (me). Recovery from addiction is an inside job.

For me, it all starts with Step One: I am powerless over alcohol. I must constantly smash the idea that I can drink like a normal person. But once I admit and accept complete defeat, something amazing happens. I get out of God’s way and let Him work. And so far, I have seen nothing shy of a masterpiece.

Alison Broderick is a freelance writer who is passionate about carrying the message of recovery to those suffering from the disease of addiction. She lives in Marietta, Georgia with her husband and two boys, ages 8 and 6, and devotes much of her time to MARR—a non-profit recovery center in Atlanta that provides lasting treatment through gender-specific programs and therapeutic community.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Lipstick to Liquor



I am so proud to be part of this documentary. It breaks my heart that an amazing women had to lose her life, but I pray that Lipstick to Liquor opens the minds and hearts of many.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Weigh in Wednesday

I ran across this blog the other day where writer blogged her weight every month. When I saw it I thought "O' hell no" You can't tell how much I weight because I'm so tall, so admitting it-sounded like the crappiest idea ever.....screw that!

But today I went to cater, at the Cubs stadium, and I had the courage to step on the scale..it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...it wasn't great, but I think I may have been being a bit dramatic.

I get why that blogger blogged her weight. I think part of the reason I haven't lost weight is that I have no accountability. So I have decided that every Wednesday through the summer I will post my weight....admitting the first one is going to hurt. But next week will be better. I have decided to do two things until next Wednesday. I will take a walk everyday, and I will not drink ANY soda, not even diet. That ones going to be tuff, as soda is my drink of choice.....but it's time...

My weight is 165.....my goal weight is 135.....IT"S ON!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Holy Crabby Patty

I am such a crab ass today. Mostly because I got in a huge fight with my 17 year old. Fighting with a teenager is very difficult, being that they know everything and all. It's going to be a push to get him to graduate on time next year, and I have a ton of fear about that. Some of it is personal, as I was no honor student. The last thing you want for your kids is for them to take the same crappy path you did.

I've been a little bit down the last two days and I can't figure out why. I know it's not all about Beau, and my weight so I guess it's time for me to look at my plate. What is on it that I can remove? Is there something coming up that I am in fear over? Is there someone I owe a amends to? The stuff I can't handle-that belongs to God. But the stuff that I can take care is mine-and the sooner I do it the better I will feel.



Monday, April 30, 2012

The Battle

I am fighting one right now, and it sucks. If I were to go back and read this blog from the beginning I bet I have a bitched about my weight a ton. It is the one thing in sobriety that I haven't been able to tackle. I guess what really makes it hard is that I was very skinny before I got sober. Most people lose weight, but not me, I gained. I can't stop eating junk. I am totally eating at my emotions, and I am heavier than I ever have been. I have no moderation button-NONE. Everything I do, good or bad, I do in excess...there is one thing I am very good at...quitting things...once I am done, it's done. I stopped drinking, and haven't drank since, I quit smoking, and again haven't touched it since...but food, you have to eat!!!??? Which would mean I have to moderate...CRAP! I was reading through my blog the other day and got to the post in January were I set my intentions for the year...my higher power has allowed me to accomplish every one, except this. I'm really frustrated. I feel better emotionally, physically, and mentally when I eat healthy...you think that would be enough...but it isn't, at all.

Dear God,
Will power isn't cutting it. Could you please help me.
Love, Emily

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Driving while Buzzed is Drunk Driving

I haven't posted this in awhile.....so just in case you didn't already know... DUI's are harsh, and the only way to not get one is to not drive drunk, or even buzzed for that matter.

Friday, April 27, 2012

My Life

Rocks serious ass! No joke..it does...sometime it takes my breath away. This morning my Mom asked me how it felt to be past all the pain....amazing, wonderful, shocking, that's how it feels. I put myself through hell when I was out there...I kicked my own ass mentally, physically, and spiritually.

When I first got sober everyone told me "Just hang on, don't give up, and miracles will happen in your life" I didn't really believe them, but I didn't want to die, and I was tired of going crazy...so I hung on...THANK GOD. Because like I said... MY LIFE FLIPPING ROCKS!

Last night we catered an event for our local radio station KNIX...it was a blast! How cool is that?? Here is a picture.....


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Reflection

A year ago when I dreamed of my perfect life, it was nothing like the life I have today. Yet the life I have today is everything I've ever wanted. Amazing how that works.

Trust God, do the next right thing, help others, and don't take your self to seriously. There is an amazing life waiting for you.....GO GET IT!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Match.com

So, I signed up for match.com. I made two mistakes, well one actually...my "name" is emilyism, and I said I had a blog, without thinking, AT ALL that someone would google emilyism and find my blog. Should I have protected myself a little bit better?? YES, do I find it creepy that someone googled me...YUP! I guess because I keep myself so uninvested in the people I chit-chat with on match, that until there is a need to, I would never think of googling them. Actually I don't have the time to be googling people.

It isn't the first time some guy I'm thinking about dating has read my blog, but here's the deal...I don't like it. It's like reading the cliff notes to my life. Why even bother meeting me if you already THINK you know all about me, Anyway, sorry to vent, it just really annoyed me.

So, if you're a dude that would like to take me on a date GET OFF MY BLOG.  xo, em

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

 I so badly want to feel the drive to write, to tell you all about what's going on in my life...but I just don't have it, I haven't in awhile.

Maybe because life is sort of boring these days...kids, work, baseball, kids, work, baseball. Oh, and the thing that allows me to keep all of that, my sobriety.

It is so very quiet on here, I sometimes wonder if anyone even reads this blog anymore?

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my 38th Birthday. The love I have received is amazing. Face book is awesome for that!

If you know me in "real" life, then you know that I am a Birthday Diva. I start announcing my Birthday like a month ahead of time. It's sorta a family thing, as my big sister is also a Birthday diva. Maybe it was because my Mom made a big fuss over our Birthdays when we were kids (thank you Mom!) Anyway...I'm off to get ready for dinner with friends.

I <3 my Birthday!!!!!!
And you!!!!!!
And being sober!!!!!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Last Drink

I understand now what they mean when they say the further away you get from your last drink, the closer you are to your next. It's true. As the memories fade of the days of my active alcoholism...I start forgetting how truly terrible it was. I am starting to forget the days when even in a room full of people I felt all alone, the day when yelling and screaming were a daily occurrence, the days when alcohol ruled my life, and my thoughts. I must move on, but I mustn't forget. For it is by remembering that I am of service to other alcoholics, for it is by remembering that I don't fall back into the trap.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Good Morning

That's it? That's all I have to say? God, I do have writers block.
I was just thinking of how grateful I am to be a Mom this morning...in fact it is my facebook status. I remember a time when that wasn't the case. I remember the days where I got the kids ready for school hung over from my bed (not my proudest Mommy memory) Now I am awake, and present, and happy to be their Mom.

I am off to work now. xo

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Guest Bloggers?

Okay, everyone...who would like to guest blog? I have very little to say these days, and I feel that it is affecting the blog. If you would like to guest blog please email me at emily@emilyism.com.

I would love to have you share your story, or share on a topic that you are going through ,or have gotten past.

Writers block...I have it-big time.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Wings and a Halo

I had some friends suffer a great loss this week, the greatest one you could ever have actually. I went through every emotion. I just got back for a gather with them. I cried the whole way home. Nobody should have to go through what they are. It breaks my fucking heart...but you see I can feel it, and for me that is new. If they needed me I could show up today, and that is also new. As I much as I cared, and wanted to be there for people, I never really was. Not if it got in the way of me, my drinking, or what I wanted. I know I am all over the board tonight, but it's just where I am right now.

And for my dear friends-
I pray for Gods grace, may the Angel you now have show up in brilliant and amazing places to bless you. She was a bright light, and every single person that knew her was blesses. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Guilty Parenting

I think one of the biggest things that stops Moms from getting sober is guilt, guilt for what they have done to their children, guilt for not being there, for driving drunk, for not being in the moment. Just plain old gross guilt.

But the fact is the only way to fix it, is to go sober. Lots of days I still feel guilty about the damage that may have been done to my kids as a result of my drinking. But you know what?...that doesn't help them one little bit. What happened, happened. All I can do is stay sober and show them that I have taken responsibility for my actions. They need to know that, as they will be responsible for their own actions as they become adults. I also came from an "alcoholic" family, but I can't go around blaming my problems on that, and I don't want my kids going around blaming their problems on me or anyone else for that matter. I now have tools, a God, and a clear head to guide my kids, to help them take responsibility for their actions, by showing them that I am taking responsiblity for mine. That is a blessing and a direct result of hard work in sobriety.

Monday, March 5, 2012

The Solutiom

1. Take the day off, and go to a meeting. (on it...well actually I'm on the couch...which is great!)

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Telling on Myself

I worked 16 hours straight yesterday without eating, or drinking a glass of water, I haven't been to a meeting in Gods knows how long, I am sick, and thought about how great it would feel to drink cough syrup, I've thought about smoking about 100 times in the last few weeks, I am neglecting my kids because of work, my house is a disaster, and I am turning into a complete bitch...there now you know.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Mommaof3's Story

Many of you know Mommaof3 from Em's blog...she is getting ready to share her story with her Celebrate Recovery group this Thursday night and she shared it with me today.  It was such an inspirational story of recovery and faith that I asked her if she would mind sharing it with you all and she said "definitely!".....so here it is:

My name is Jamee and I am an alcoholic. I believe in Jesus Christ and He has been my Savior since 1991. I have been sober since December16, 2008 and Celebrate Recovery is and has been a life changing ministry for me.


Some of the back story: I grew up in a home of drinkers. Looking back it is easy for me to see that there was never a time when drinking wasn’t acceptable. Beer while working in the garage, wine with dinner, kahula in the coffee. My parents drank every day. My father doesn’t get mean when he drinks, he gets pretty silly. I have memories of him always laughing. I can only really remember my mom seeming drunk 2 or 3 times, but those are from the last several years so maybe I just don’t remember instances from my childhood involving her drinking.

All during my growing up years I was active in church. My parents went through phases, but made sure my sister and I were there every time the doors were opened. It was at FCA Camp in Estes Park in 1991 I accepted the Lord as my personal savior. I thought I was rededicating my life at the time, but know this is where I truly came to know the Lord in a personal and profound way. I came back from camp with a typical high and journaled daily for some time. Then life kept on and I was not held accountable, nor discipled by anyone to learn how to live an active Christian life.

I got drunk for the first time when I was 16. My uncle gave me the tequila bottle and encouraged me to drink straight from it. That was quite an experience but my sickness did not stop me from sharing my drinking story with pride the next day with my college aged co workers. That night was the first of many, continuing on for 14 years. Quite possibly my drinking stories of my college years and early twenties wouldn’t cause anyone much concern. Many young people drink to excess quite regularly. At least that was what I thought. It was not unusual for me to have no memory of how nights ended, how I got home, how I got undressed, or didn’t, or what I had said or done. I understand those to be black outs now but at the time I simply thought “Oh, I just don’t remember when I drink” I wonder now why that didn’t cause me more concern or why my boyfriend put up with it night after night.

I never thought that I was drinking too much or that I could make different decisions to alter the path my life was on. I was not active in church during my first two years of college. I may have gone when I came home for the weekend, but I had no sort of commitment.

I joined a sorority in the spring of my freshman year and that meant parties and more drinking. Sometimes I’d be a sad drunk, crying, creating drama between me and my boyfriend. Sometimes I was feisty, using cuss words and acting scrappy. The spring of my sophomore year I was invited to join an exclusive club whose whole focus was on drinking. The hazing was horrible, but I was so proud to have been asked to be a part of what I thought was important.

I went on a retreat at the end of my sophomore year and had a moment of clarity, a vision of how far from living a life for God I had come. That church camp high lasted for about 8 months. Soon I was drinking again, once getting thrown out of a bar for throwing up directly on the floor.

Things went along like this for years. I’d have a bad night, throw up, and have a hang over, decide I needed to cut back some, drink again the next time. My first job was teaching for a church preschool and we went to happy hour so often the bartenders knew us. That work environment quickly turned toxic and I quit after two years. I still never thought I had a true drinking problem. In fact, I think I liked my reputation as a party girl and the drinking stories I could tell.

I married my high school sweet heart and going out was normal for us. His parents drank wine with dinner, margaritas on occasion, though they have very sensible drinking habits. He continued to take care of me when I overindulged, never concerned with the regularity of these incidents. About 3 months after the birth of my first child we went to a wedding of a child hood friend of my husband’s. It was an Indian wedding, and I had unfamiliar foods and lots and lots of wine. In the middle of the night I somehow made it down the stairs holding my newborn and covered in vomit. My mother in law helped me this time, because my husband was out at the after party. I could have really hurt my daughter. I was not in control of my actions.

When my daughter was 4 she and I went to have dinner with some old friends. The adults drank wine and had a fabulous time. I don’t remember how the evening ended. I don’t remember how I drove home, a route I was unfamiliar with and in a vehicle that I was not comfortable in. Yes, I drove drunk with my 4 yr old in the car. That is one evening that can bring me the most sadness and shame if I allow the devil a foothold in my mind. And again my husband was not mad at me. He said I was hard enough on myself, but I now know that some of his actions were that of an enabler.

All my drinking didn’t take place on big party nights. There was daily drinking going on. The last several months included sangria in mason jars. Those big, huge jugs of sangria, mixed with a little sprite, the ratio of sprite to sangria getting smaller and smaller as the evening wore on. I drank before I took my kids to the dentist. I drank before I went to night church once. I drank before a Tuesday morning Bible study social.

Any time I felt a bit anxious going into a situation I drank first. I can remember a time I was with my kids and mother in law and couldn’t have a drink and how trapped I felt, how tight and uncomfortable. I could tell you story after story of how my drinking almost got me into trouble. How I was nearly raped. How I should have lost my job. How I wrecked my car but injured no one. One thing that is clear in all these stories is that the Lord’s hand of protection is very evident. And I know that because of His protection I’ve work yet to do on this earth. And I believe that part of that work is sharing my story of addiction, redemption and growth.

The last night I got drunk was December 14, 2008. My husband and I were at a co worker’s house for a game night. I had been drinking at my in law’s most of the afternoon and was already drunk when I got to the house. I remember taking a tour of the home, sitting down on the floor around the coffee table to play a game and then deciding I needed to lie down. I had been at the house for maybe 15 mins. I woke up hours later, all alone in the living room. I was disgusted with myself. I lay awake that night, repeating a cycle that had become so familiar to me. Drink too much, pass out, wake up in the night, hate myself, beg God for forgiveness. Repeat.

I knew I needed help. I realized I had quit several times before and had been unsuccessful each time. The next morning I told my husband I needed help, real help, in order to quit drinking. That I thought I was an alcoholic. He disagreed, trying to justify my actions, sincerely wanting me to not be upset with myself. But I had had enough. I was living a double life, portraying myself one way at the church where I worked each day and very nearly drinking each day as well. I was creating a home life for my children that I knew from my growing up years but that I desperately DID NOT want for my own babes.

Monday I got the email address of a woman at my church known for her recovery efforts. I emailed her, completely in despair. She wrote back, promising to call me that evening. I left the house after my babes were down and drove to Wal Mart. Part of me wanted her to call. Most of me hoped she didn't. The Lord knew just what I needed. She called and I haven't been the same since.

The first two years were not easy. Perhaps the hardest part was figuring out with my husband how my sobriety looks in our marriage. We had to look at our entire relationship and talk about how we felt and what we wanted. Communication is not our strong point and it was really hard. But because of the big challenge of dealing with my sobriety we are closer and I sincerely believe I trust him more than ever before. I trust that when the going gets tough, we are going to persevere.

I had a slip up in December of 2010. I took an anxiety pill before I went to a Christmas party. I knew the party might have some ‘triggers’ for me so I just wanted to be safe. The pills were prescribed to me by my doctor, actually during the time of my Granny’s death and funeral. And not only did I take a pill, I put an extra one in my pocket, just in case. At the party I was feeling fine. Good in fact. So good, that I took the other pill. I wish I had seen a neon sign that read: “So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall.” 1 Corinthians 10:12

That evening was proof that I am still an addict. I woke up with a hangover. But this time I did not wallow in my shame. I talked to my sponsor the very same night I took the pills and I flushed the rest down the toilet. I wrote in my journal and I asked for forgiveness. I thanked the Lord for the glimpse of how my life would still be if I was drinking, realizing that I cannot handle those feelings of ‘escape’. That I don’t NEED those feelings of escape. Psalm 46:1 says “God is our refuge and our strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear.” Those are the words I need to fill my brain and soul with. And I continue to face the feelings I want to escape. Its called life. I have to choose to fill my mind with truth and it isn’t always easy. I think I had hoped by this point I wouldn’t ever struggle and I know how false that is. I know that the devil would love for me to think that I am ‘healed’ and don’t need help anymore. That I don’t need a support system, or texts from friends or an escape plan from time to time. Because then I wouldn’t need God.

Many days I don’t think about alcohol or my recovery at all. Other days I am reminded of how far I have come. And then there are days that I realize I could be back there in a flash. Yet now I am free of shame and I am forgiven. The Lord has used my years of drinking for good just as Paul says in Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” 2011 was a banner year. I won a spot on a half marathon team by writing about how I replaced drinking with running. I helped lead a step study and I began a second step study. Again I share with you how incredible it feels to be free of shame from my past. I cannot lie and say there aren’t moments I flirt with wallowing, but I am quick to reach for help.....often with a text. I have heard now at least three times of folks upping their texting plan once I started texting them, ha!

I will openly share my story when it is meaningful to do so. I feel like the Lord is calling me to be transparent, to break down walls and to let others have the freedom to share in return. I have so much more empathy with all whom I encounter. We are all hurting, all in need of a Savior to remove our sins and wash us clean. Perhaps my favorite verse of all the CR verses is 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will purify us from all unrighteousness.”

I am a living example of the power of Celebrate Recovery. I have over three years of sobriety and plan on many many more. Things are so sweet between my husband and me. I don’t think I realized how far reaching the effects of my drinking were, but as layers continue to peel back, even now, I am reminded of how toxic alcohol was to me. I talked with my sister a few weeks ago and we had a really honest discussion about our hopes for our young families, our sadnesses over things we wished were different and how grateful we both were for the Lord in our lives. I am here to say that that is a conversation I could not have ever imagined having 3 years ago.

I am indeed a changed person. Yes, I’ve lots of changing yet to do, and as one of my favorite songs go, “You’re not finished with me yet.” But, man, He has done so much! And it is because I made the choice to ask for help and come to Celebrate Recovery. To work the 12 steps. Even when it was hard and I wanted to just quit. I want to encourage you, no matter where you are on your journey to keep moving forward. Keep searching, stretching to know the Lord in a deeper way. Because He’s not finished with you yet!

Thank you for letting me share my story.

Posted by Annette
for Emily

Monday, February 27, 2012

Thinking Back

Thinking back to when alcohol controlled my life...my brain...my spirit...my happiness...thinking back  (as hard as it is) to when alcohol was my God. If it is true that what we think about the most is our God then for sure alcohol was mine. I planned my life around it. Towards the end activities without alcohol were unheard of. I now know that it was my feelings I was trying to mask...my emotions....I get it now (well sorta) I feel my feelings today, and sometimes it sucks, but most of the time I am grateful to have a full range of emotions. During my drinking days I only had drunk or anger. Alcohol no longer owns my mind or spirit...but I know that my alcoholism is just sitting there waiting to take me back. Sneaky disease it is. Telling us that we aren't sick.......sneaky fucker.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

One Day

Meeting makers Make it

If that is true I am screwed. I haven't been to one since Friday.....may not sound like a big deal, but it is. As my life gets fuller and busier, I need more meetings NOT less. I went in to work yesterday looking like a TOTAL disaster. I went in to make sure my caterers got out the door and ended up working a full day-funny how that works:)


'Oh and this weekend we served 3000 people at Firebird raceway...yes, I said 3000!  

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Early

It is 4:00 in the morning, and I am tired. I am up and awake for work, we have a big event this weekend which is requiring me to push myself probably past where I should. But who do you call in sick to when you're the boss?? :)

I love my job and to say that I am grateful for it is a total understatement. But I am being pushed to the limit. I don't want to get burnt out, or pick up a resentment, so after this event I may have to say a little something like...."Do you realize I am doing the work of 3 people?" They do and I know that they appreciate it. But I have to take care of myself. I am of no help to anyone if I push myself into a dry drunk state, or an actual drunk state for that matter.

As you can tell I'm all over the place, a tired mind can do that to you.

I'm off to work.

I love you guys. Please comment. The quiet on here is no fun. xoxoxoxox

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Me: God, can I ask You a question?

God: Sure

Me: Promise You won't get mad

God: I promise

Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?

God: What do you mean?

Me: Well, I woke up late

God: Yes

Me: My car took forever to start

God: Okay

Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait

God: Huummm

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call

God: All right

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that

Me (humbled): OH

GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.

Me (embarrassed):Okay

God: Your phone went dead bcuz the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me (softly): I see God

God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I'm Sorry God

God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.

Me: I will trust You.

God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.

Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.

God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...

May God hold you tight, Whitney

During my hardest times in sobriety, when my heart was broken and I did not know what to do, this beautiful song gave me strength.




I remember her singing it on Oprah, I even think there is a story on here about it, and it moved me in a way that not many songs do...Her story, her strength, it moved me.

But she didn't make it, and I find that tragic and an example that this disease will kill you. Regardless of your beauty, or fame, or talent, it will kill you.

I know people will call this a million different things, but I won't- to me it is another beautiful addict who has lost her life. ADDICTION...it's TRAGIC.

God Bless you Whitney and may God hold you tight. Thank you for giving me strength.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

The 1st Step is the Most Important

I was praying this morning and I did something for the 1st time......I asked my HP to bless ME.  I realized that I have been asking Him to love, heal, bless and touch everyone else in my life except me.  Which leads me to my topic today.

We are not bad people trying to get good.......we are sick people trying to get well.  That was profound for me when I heard it in rehab.  I always considered myself a bad person and I sooooo wanted to be a good person, but my obsession with drinking/alcoholism wouldn't allow me to be a good person.  This is simply not true.  I consider myself a child of my HP and His love is infinite - whether I am good or bad.

That's why I have to "change".....and by this I mean my behaviors and actions.....Admittance (1st Step) + Action = Changes.  And this works for me everyday.  I have admitted wholeheartedly that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life has become unmanageable.  I have done the admittance portion and continue to do so everyday.  My life is more manageable today because I ask my HP to bless the words that come out of my mouth, put love in my heart and keep me sober TODAY.  I ask these things everyday.....but I never before today asked Him to bless ME.  I see that as progress for me.  I was born with a different chemical and physiological makeup that makes me an alcoholic.  But just because I was born with this doesn't mean I have to live "in it".  I can change my actions and behaviors to get better/well.  You absolutly do not have to stay in this disease.....but you do have to make some changes in your life to live a sober life.

I just wanted to share this hope with everyone this morning, because it was a startling revelation to me and maybe someone else can identify with what I was feeling this morning as I prayed on my knees for acceptance and love and blessings.

Hope everyone is hanging in there and trying everyday to do "the next right thing".

Hugs to you all!

Annette
Guest posting for Emily