Friday Fun Day

I am super happy it is Friday. Normally I have to work at least one day of the weekend-but not this one-YEAH!

I am doing really well. I could step my program up a bit, but besides that everything is pretty good.

Typing that just made me think of something...It is amazingly stupid to me that I wait until I am an uncomfortable mess before stepping my program up. Instead of doing it while life is going along peacefully,I always wait until a shit storm. Not smart, not smart at all. Maybe I should put a noon meeting on my agenda today!

Happy

I am happy these days. I can see progress in my life. I am getting that it is in God's time, not mine. The more I understand and comprehend that the easier life is. If I stay in the moment I am happy. If I step out of it and worry about the future I am not happy, simple as that.

Right now, right this second I have everything I need. I am at peace.

No Matter What

I get asked a lot how I do it-how I stay sober. Well besides one day at a time I do it no matter what. No matter how I feel, no matter how horrible life gets, no matter what I'm thinking, no matter what other people are doing....I just don't drink-no matter what.

I heard in early sobriety not to put conditions on your sobriety-I guess I took that to heart. There's always going to be an excuse to drink-but that's all they are is excuses.

So to answer every ones question...I stay sober one day at a time by not drinking NO MATTER WHAT!

My Mother is in Town

Which is always stressful. I love her very much, she's actually one of my best friends, but she does seem to bring out issues in me. Like the one I've had since childhood that I'm not good enough. I wonder why that is!? I know Moms don't mean to, but it seems that it happens a lot. If I had to name the number one issue that women email me about (besides alcohol) it is their Moms.

Issues or not I love my Mom. She is an amazing women. Soooo glad your here Madra!

I am sorry I've been so absent on here. I miss you guys! xoxoxoxox

Not Fitting In

Something you may not know about me is that until recently I didn't feel like I fit in-I never felt like part of the group-like I belonged-it was horrible. I also felt less than, and left out.

I still do sometimes, but only for a second. Then I remind myself that I am so blessed to be comfortable in my own skin. I need people to stay sober, but I no longer need their approval to be okay. I am okay with being me. As eminem would say "I don't give a fuck what you think-I'm doing this for me."

All at Once

Sometimes life throws you a whole lot of crap all at once-no fun, no
fun at all. You know how it goes...broke, not getting along with your
love ones, house a wreck, routine thrown to shit, then something
little happens...like you bump your head and you BLOW. When it happens
to me I normally throw a fit that would put any 3 year old to shame. I
have been known to scream and yell at God, even fired him once. It
sucks to feel like life is gaining up on you, but what I have learned
is there's always a reason. Most of the time for me it is because I
need to surrender. But still I like when my life just flows along
peacefully...and sometimes it does, but because it is life sometimes
it doesn't.

I guess my goal is to learn the lessons I am supposed to be learning
as quickly as possible. I believe that we relive our lessons in all
sorts of ways until we learn what God needs us to learn. So I'm all
for doing it quickly!

Sorry I'm all over the place...lots going on. xo, em
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Gossip

So come to find out people from my neighborhood read my blog-weird.
Anyway one of them went and told my was-been that I blogged about him.
I won't take back one thing I said in those post but I will say
this...really? You ran and told him? Why? Just to hurt his feelings?
Like he's not hurting enough right now? I have my own feelings about
the situation and unless you were married to him you wouldn't
understand. So really you should stay out of it. And so should I
actually...but this is my safe place where I can come and talk about
my feelings. Gossiping hurts people and I love my was-been enough that
it pisses me off that anything written on here was used to hurt him.
Makes me feel bad, that is not the intent of this blog. And please try
to remember as you go about your gossiping that there are children we
are trying to protect. Thanks.

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A Topic

I'm having a hard time writing these days. I was thinking that if you
all could give me some ideas and topics that may help.

So spill it. What would you like me to write about?

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Twice

Yes, there is two versions of the same story on here. I've been trying
to post for days and couldn't. So I ended up writing it twice. I think
it was good for me actually.

For an update: Beau is unwired, but still on soft foods only. And
Gavin is in North Carolina with his bestie Jake for fall break. I'm
glad he's there enjoying himself. Hopefully thing will have calmed
down a bit by the time he gets back.

As for me I'm okay, a little needy, but okay. I actually cuddle called
a friend the other night (like a booty call, cept just cuddling)
sometimes one just needs human contact.

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Drama in my Life

I have a lot going on right now. But when I really look at it very little of it is mine. It is me being involved in other lives or in some cases their drama.

Beau's mouth is still wired-Friday's the big day. He has what he wants to eat all planned out. It has been tough on him, but he truly has taken it like a champ. I am proud of him. Now if he can just stay on track I won't have to bust up the other side of his jaw:) It is my job to be involved in a bit of his life and drama...but this, not so much......

Here's what I'm talking about with others drama. My was-been's wife left him while he was out of town this weekend. She took pretty much everything...I will admit she is smarter than me in that aspect...I am kinder, and actually human...but whatever. It upset my kid which is actually the only reason I care. She left like a coward without even saying good-bye. I guess that's how you do it when the love of money comes before people. They both have that problem. But it their problem it is not mine. So out of it I will stay-or at least try to.

Other that that I am doing great. It is so amazing to see how far I have come. I have all of these skills to deal with things and all of this insight-it is amazing. I am so grateful to have a program that teaches me to be less of an ass:)

How are you all doing?

Drama in my Life

It's been an emotional week for my family.

My x-husband's wife left him this weekend while he was out of town. She's been married 4 times if that tells you anything...she took her share, the share I didn't take, and a good amount of his. Part of me understands that it's actually just karma, he sort of deserved it. The other part feels angry as hell. She upset my kids. Leaving like such a huge coward, not even saying good-bye to them. I guess stuff and money came first - gross really.

It is bringing up some old stuff for me...she left him for a lot of the same reasons I did. I tried to point that out to him today - maybe too early. He may never own his part in it, and you know what - that's none of my business. My business is owning my part of my stuff - which this situation is not. He is the father of my children so I will try my hardest not to kick him while he is down (which trust me is tough)

Still, the whole deal sucks. Divorce no matter the situation is always painful.

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