Friday, November 18, 2011

I AM YOUR DISEASE

You know who I am, you’ve called me your friend. Wishes of misery and heartache I send. I want only to see that you’re brought to your knees... I’m the devil inside you, I am your disease. I’ll invade all your thoughts, I’ll take hostage your soul. I’ll become your new master, in total control. I’ll maim your emotions, I’ll run the whole game. Till your entire existence is crippled with shame. When you call me I come, sometimes in disguise. Quite often I’ll take you by total surprise. But take you I will, and just as you’ve feared. I’ll want only to hurt you, with no mercy spared. If you have your own family, Ill see its destroyed. I’ll steal every pleasure in life you’ve enjoyed. I’ll not only hurt you, I’ll kill if I please. I’m your worst living nightmare, I am your disease. I bring self destruction, but still you can’t tell. I’ll sweep you through heaven, then drop you in hell. I’ll chase you forever, wherever you go. And then when I catch you, you won’t even know. I’ll sometimes lay silent, just waiting to strike. What’s yours becomes mine, cuz I take what I like. I’ll take all you own and I won’t care who sees. I’m your constant companion… I am your disease. If you have any honor, I’ll strip it away. You’ll lose all your hope and forget how to pray. I’ll leave you in darkness, while blindly you stare. I’ll reduce you to nothing, and won’t even care. So, don’t take for granted my powers sublime. I’ll bend and I’ll break you, time after time. I’ll crumble your world with the greatest of easeI’m that madman inside you…I am your disease. But today I’m real angry…you want to know why?I let all in recovery, entirely slip by. How did I lose you? Where did I go wrong? One minute I had you…then next you were gone. You just can’t dismiss all the good times we’ve shared. When you were alone…wasn’t it I who appeared? When you sold those possessions you knew you would need. Wasn’t I the first one who stepped in and agreed. Now look at you bastards, you’re all thinking clear. You escaped with your lives when you found your way here. Only fools think they’re winners when admitting defeat. It’s what you must say when you’re claiming that seat. Go ahead and surrender, if that’s what you choose. But, I’m not giving up. cuz I can’t stand to lose. So stand in your groups and support hand in hand. Better choices will save you…leaving me to be damned. Well, be damned all you people seeking treatment each week. Be damned inner strength, however unique. Be damned all your sayings, be damned your cliches. Be damned every addict, who back to me strays. For I know it will happen, I’ve seen it before. Those who love misery will crawl back for more. So take comfort in knowing, I’m waiting right here. But next time around, you’d just better beware. You think that you’re stronger or smarter this time. There isn’t a mountain or hill you can’t climb. Well if that’s what you’re thinkin, you ain’t learned a thing. I’ll still knock you silly if you step back in my ring. But you say you’ve surrendered, so what can I do?It’s so sad in a way, I had big plans for you. Creating your nightmare for me was a dream. I’m sure gonna miss you…we made quite a team. So please don’t forget me, I won’t forget youI’ll stand by your side watching all that you do. I’m ready and waiting, so call if you please. I won’t let you forget me…I am your disease

10 comments:

  1. Yep - spot on! It's got me right now and I'm fighting like hell to get away from it....Annette here everybody - Hello, I've missed you all tons! I'm currently back on Day #2...I've been going to meetings everyday, but earlier this week got that same old familiar feeling back while in a meeting..."I am NOT like these people....they are MUCH worse off than me....I would NEVER do those things"....and lo and behold, the next day I drank....the disease won on Thursday...this is THE MOST POWERFUL thing to ever grab hold of me and I never imagined the incredibly difficult fight I'd have to put up to win...BUT, I'm getting up "AGAIN" and trying "AGAIN"....my only other option is to just say fuck it and drink myself to death and I KNOW IN MY HEART I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT! Just wanted to say hello and let you all know where I'm at right now....I KNOW I can do this, I just have to quit getting so damn complacent and continue to work my program, talk with my sponsor, get on my knees and be of service....WHY IS THIS SO DAMN HARD FOR ME?

    Hope all is well with everyone - love & prayers to you all!

    Annette

    ReplyDelete
  2. Annette - it's hard for ALL of us and you know why? Read the post you commented on. That's why! It is so true. Why did this disease want us and not others? That part is the mystery and I sure wish it wouldn't have. But, alas, if you are reading this than I am pretty sure IT has you too. We just fight it tooth and nail, if we give up the battle, IT wins and we pay an awful high price. You can do it Annette. You have the tools, just use them. We are all here for you. We are all in the same battle. We can do it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Such a great post.

    Annette and anyone who is struggling, we are all here for you!

    You people are the resason I am sober, I am so thankful to have my sobriety.

    Everyone has doubts, this disease is likena rat in a maze, when it hits one block it will move on to the next knowing it has it to get to it's food. Alcoholism never gives up and it will sneak up on us all if we aren't careful. I truly believe I have an allergy like they say in the BB, dr.'s opion. I know if I consume alcohol all bets are off, it takes over, I can not control myself, I would be done!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow! I really, really needed to read that post. 14 months sober for me but lately I've been thinking a lot about drinking again. I stopped going to meetings and I haven't been following the program. Really need to get back to business. I'm glad that this blog is here Emily, it really helped me a lot tonight. Thanks and love and prayers to you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. What a powerful, intense, piece of writing! It's been almost 3 years since my disease last was in control...but it's always there. I've come close to slipping, but luckily I was able to get through it. When people told me things would get better, I didn't believe it. Throughout the first year I didn't believe it. It's just now, in the past oh...year...that I feel like my life has been spared and things are better--not every day--but most. I'll take that. Thank you for this post..it's wonderful. Blessed be to all those who are still fighting--you will make it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Pray and works the STEPS! AA or NA

    ReplyDelete
  7. I have read several of these poems and it pisses me off..I'm 8 myths clean with all my thanks to GOD..life is great and really and explainable..I finally hit my rock bottom after10 years of using and I didn't think my life was even worth living until I admitted myself into rehab and finally got that if I don't want my life to be better my disease is rite at my fingertips..Thank you Jesus because now I'm clean and sober abd I manage s sober living home where I'm a able give back by helping my fellow addicts..So I thank you all for you stories I will forever remain teachable...

    ReplyDelete
  8. so proud of anyone who has the strength to beat this, altho beat is not the word , its a fight forever, for those of you who took on this battle , hats off for you, you Know who Im tlking about,the where with all and the strength you display,so proud

    ReplyDelete