Thursday, September 29, 2011

Family Night

We had family night tonight at Cracker Jack's (our local 'fun' park) We rode
go-carts (I totally got lapped) rode on the bumper boats (the boys
trapped me under the water fall and got me soaking wet) and then
played put-put golf to end a perfect night. I'm going to bed feeling
very, very blessed!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Do I ever find myself wanting a drink?

Someone asked this question, and it is a great one. The answer is yes, I do still think about it...for about 1 second. Instead of thoughts of drinking being obsessive, and uncontrollable, and something I can not stop myself from acting on, they are fleeing thoughts. I think about it quickly-most of the time when I am in emotional pain of some sort-the thought comes-I pray-and it leaves.

I remember in the beginning of sobriety having mentally cravings/obsession so badly that I actually sat on my hands on the couch praying for God to lift it. He did, but it took muck longer that it does now. Stick in there-It gets better I promise.


The desire to numb out is just part of alcoholism. Thoughts will come, but if your working a recovery program you will know how to deal with them. I'll tell you about my latest thoughts of numbing out...You know I've been going through lot of emotions with Beau so the first day we got home from the hospital I actuallCheck Spellingy thought about drinking his liquid codeine-better yet {name withheld} accidentally left his pack of cigarettes on the counter. So of course in good alcoholic form my mind went straight to "God, numbing out on codeine and smoking cigarettes on the patio would make me feel better." Brilliant right-I quickly reminded myself that would be a relapse and narked myself out to another alcoholic. By the way when you share stuff that kind of thinking with someone it completely removes its power.





I hope that answers your question:)

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Girls Night Out



Tonight I felt like the luckiest women on earth...in spite of my kids broken jaw, in spite of being broke, in spite of everything I portray as bad...I felt so lucky to be me. It was amazing

There is this strong, talented women inside me. She is funny, and so comfortable in her own skin that it often surprises me I am that women. I totally loved being me tonight.

I went out with the girl to sing karaoke...I had never sung before, not even drunk....but I did tonight, I didn't give a crap what anyone thought about me, in my drinking days that's all I cared about...so being free of that was an amazing feeling...on top of that we rocked the shit out of "Baby got Back." :) It was a great night!!

Friday, September 23, 2011

In the Moment

I was so out of the moment the other day that I actually hear God's voice tell me to do NOTHING. I was worried and obsessing so badly about Beau and what to do with his situation that when I prayed about it the answer was to do nothing. I forgot that, I forgot that the answer, the next right thing to do would come naturally-if I let it. It is VERY, VERY hard to let go and let God when it comes to your children. We so play God in their lives and forget on a dime that they have a God. I know it's a fine line, but still they do have a God and we ain't it.

I am in the anger cycle of this whole deal. I would like to knock the shit out of a few people. But I know that letting Beau see that is super bad for him. He has enough anger about this, he doesn't need me fueling the fire. I am very grateful to be able to talk about it on here, and in meetings. I a blessed to have such an amazing support system! Thank you

P.S Beau is doing okay, not great, but okay. Thank you guys for sending Beau-nations:) They were greatly appreciated! He had pureed Hamburger Helper the other night-is that gross or what!!?

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; ... - Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, don't spend more than you can earn and adults, not children, are in charge. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, do nothing

Monday, September 19, 2011

Tired

I am almost to tired to type. This is taking a toll on me, it really is. I have every emotion going on...fear, anger, worry, sadness...all of them. But the good news is I don't act on them anymore. Before I got sober this situation would have made me flip my flipping lid. I would have ape shit and most likely have ended up in jail myself. While I was drinking I acted on my every emotion normally in a loud and embarrassing way. I am so glad to no longer be that women. (Hey, as I am typing this I am thinking of how alike Annette's feelings in her post are to mine.)

The not acting out on your every emotion really is a wonderful part of sobriety!

I'm off to take a nap. xo, em

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Sobriety Sunday

Happy Sunday to everyone! I'd like to begin by saying how sorry I am that Emily's son, Beau, had to endure such a violent attack by a fellow student. Sustaining injuries like that, both physical and emotional/mental is something we never want our babies to endure.....but we live in a crazy world where we can't keep them safe at all times. It's very unfortunate and I truly hope that his school takes a more active stance on bullying......and Em, I trust that you will be heading this up :) I do hope that Beau is feeling a bit better and I'll be sending my "Beau-nation" in the mail tomorrow :)

I AM GRATEFUL TO BE SOBER THIS WEEKEND MORE SO THAN ANY OTHER WEEKEND I'VE EXPERIENCED THUS FAR IN MY SOBRIETY!!!! My son had his 1st High School Homecoming this past weekend - it was a very exciting time! A time that, had I still been actively drinking, I would have been partaking in an adult beverage or 2, or 3, or 4, etc. to celebrate the occasion......just as if it were "my" 1st Homecoming. I would have had drinks with friends, in inconspicuous cups of course, at the tailgate at the school Fri nite before the game, would have given a shit less about the ceremony on the field honoring current & veteran military - no way would I have even "thought" about wearing my uniform and being honored on the field....it would take me away from my adult beverage - HELL NO!!! I would have needed drinks to de-stress when we were getting ready for the dance last nite....I had to get ready b/c my hubs & I chaperoned at the dance.....therefore I would have been at least tipsy while on duty. I would have been driving my son & his friends around while drinking....and I probably would have been at the adult Homecoming after-party that was being held at a friend's house on the 1st floor, still drinking - of course, while the kids attended the teen after-party at the same house in the basement. I would have been well on my way when it was discovered that 2 of the boys in the basement had brought their own alcohol to the teen party and one of them was drunk and stumbling. I wouldn't have been in my right mind to deal with the situation and the consequences for not only the boys that brought the booze, but all those that were "there" and therefore guilty by association. I would have been drunk when the varsity football coach showed up to deal with the 2 players that brought the booze.

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD.......THIS DID NOT EVEN COME CLOSE TO HAPPENING!!!!!

I was sober, 100% present and ready to deal - head on - with whatever the weekend brought - good or bad. There were probs between my son and his date....but I didn't drink; going to a H.S. football game is a tiny trigger for me.....but I didn't drink; a little nervous and shy about being honored on the field for my service.....but I didn't drink; a little nervous about chaperoning at the dance.....but I didn't drink.

On our way to drop the boys off at the after party girl's house, I was prepared to go to the door and speak with her parents...I knew they were having an adult party upstairs and was somewhat hesitant about allowing my son to go, but decided to gauge the parents condition and decide right there on their front porch - you know, go with my gut feeling. Well.......we never even made it all the way to the girl's house. We were pulling onto her street and saw lots of kids walking "away" from the house, we stopped, asked my son's friends what was goin on, they said, "just turn around, don't go in there, 2 guys brought alcohol to the party and one of them is drunk and the parents found out and it's not good - just go home and we'll talk tomorrow"....then someone added, "the football coach is on his way over here right now". Right then, at that very moment, I think I was THE MOST GRATEFUL that I've been during the entire course of my sobriety that I was a sober parent, present and able to make the next right decision regarding my son and his friends that were in my care. I turned my car around, me & the boys talked about the situation, what the consequences for all those involved might be, especially given that their football coach had been notified, those involved facing and/or explaining everything to their parents - it was a good talk and a valuable lesson learned. I was so glad that we were running late and missed all the action........drunk Annette would have been smack dab in the middle and lovin all the chaos and drama.

Sobriety really does have it's perks people! It allows me the chance to take situations like this that I just described above, and turn them into excellent life talks with my son - to show him the importance of making the next right decision.....had I been drunk, I would have just lost a little bit more of my son's respect......but I know now that I DON'T have to live like that anymore.

I hope everyone can take something from this and make a difference and/or change in your life today.....a change that involves action......any action, big or small, towards sobriety......I promise - you won't regret it :)

Hugs to you all!!!!

Annette
Guest posting for Em

Kicking in for Beau

Beau is doing decent physically, but emotionally he is struggling. Spending as much time as he will be at home with his mouth wired shut is stressing him out, on top of being way to much time stuck in his head. Watching your kid struggle in physical and emotional pain is horrible.

You may be asking yourself how you can help. You could donate a little, whatever you can do so I can order him netflix and gamefly. I think they will help get him out of his head. This is turning out to be very expensive...and though I know it will be covered that could take years. The food along that he needs to eat threw me off budget for the entire month.

We have a lot of very tough decisions ahead of us. Like whether I am willing to send him back to a school where the consequeces for bulling and breaking a kids jaw is a 5 day suspension. Still haven't heard from the parents, and word on the street is the kid isn't even grounded-nice. I'm guessing they won't care until they have to pull out their wallet-sad really.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Bullying

I have to be careful what I say here on out as there may be a lawsuit. A lawsuit-so un me, but you know what I expect that when I send my child to school he will be safe.

I can tell you that broken bones seem to feel better once they are set.

Let's talk about bullying. How many of you have anti-bullying policies in your state? Cause I can tell you this much, mine is a flipping about to!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Turning the other Cheek

I seldom see the need to get on a bandwagon but lordy, lordy, what is happening in our schools - My 16 year old grandson (who was brought up never to use his fists) was attacked today unprovoked by another student in the stairwell and had his jaw broken. He is in the hospital now awaiting surgery to have a metal plate put in his jaw and his mouth wired shut. Nothing about this seems sane to me - question - is turning the other cheek really the right thing to do?

Now mind you this is Grandmas version. But she's actually kind of got it right, that is pretty much what happened. Theses days if you fight back you get in just as much trouble as the kid who started it. They have no clause for self defense. Good thing Beau walked away (with a broken jaw) but still he walked away...

We really are at the hosiptal right now. I normally don't blog about current eventd about my kids, but I need your support, and love, and advice. We're going to be here awhile.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

"Sometimes it is necessary to reteach something its loveliness." -Galway Kinnell

Women Food and God

I am reading the book -Women Food and God- right now. In fact I just put it down as it made me cry. For crying out loud does everything have too have a deeper meaning? Sometimes I wish I could just be an airhead that wasn't capable of connecting her own dots-but not really. My ability to figure my own self out is pretty cool. Anyway back to the book-the author nailed it. She explained that every time we eat when we are not hungry, we are doing so to fill a void-most of us know this right?! But her way of writing is simple and to the point. We all know how I feel about "wordy" self-help books-they are not helpful.

It teaches us to stop, stay in the moment and acknowledge the feeling you are about to bolt from. It totally reminds me of the quote "Put the cork back in the bottle and the fridge flies open." hehehe...love that one-it's so true. We all use some vice to bolt from our feelings whether it be food, alcohol, drugs, sex or shopping...everyone uses something. Feelings can be terrible painful, but once we face them it removes so much of the power they hold over us. I am willing to do the work suggested in this book, even though it is making me cry.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Emotional Throwing Up

I have some fucked up patterns going on right now. One of them being the way I date. It's all over this blog if you've been reading it. They disappear off here...one day I am dating, the next day I am not. The pattern part of it is I go like 6 months without dating again. It is like it takes a toll on me and I just don't feel like it for a while. So this time I have been advised to stay the fuck in the batterers box (my words as the person advising me is much more polite) What she actually said is it's an interview process-date them all-keep the ones that make the cut and eliminate from there. Which is all fine and dandy except I don't really like people-okay I put that wrong-I don't feel an instant connection to many men-it doesn't just come naturally for me. So even finding one I'm willing to have coffee with is a big deal, much less a few of them.

I know-I know-when you stop looking, when you least expect it you"ll meet him. Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes "One day someone is going to walk into your life and it will make perfect sense why it never worked out with anyone else." Sweet right!?

P.S-I am sorry if you didn't know I swore-I do-like a trucker. It is something I am working on.

P.S.S-And that cute boy I was dating didn't just disappear. I think our timing was just off. Maybe if the universe sees fit it will realign us one day-we will see.

My Car

"You just shouldn't be driving that car." I hear that all the time. The car is a '95 Honda Accord with decently low mileage and I'm lucky to be driving at all, so I wasn't really getting what they were saying. I asked {name withheld} who promptly explained to me that I looked pretty and put together, and that my car did not. It runs and well, but pretty it is not. I'm actually a lot more like my car than people think...The inside of me is healthy and running great, it is the outside that needs a little bit of work.

It made me reflect on the last 3 1/2 years. I lost my license for 2 years...and actually didn't drive. It was every bit as horrible as it sounds. It was humbling, inconvenient, crappy and embarrassing, but looking back now, I took it with Grace. I knew I deserved it, and that I could and would live through it-but still it sucked.

My journey unto and in sobriety has been humbling. I use to think things like the house I lived in and the car I drove mattered, now I get that the fact I have a car and a home to live in is a blessing. I use to think that this world owed me something, I now get that it is I that owes the world.

I am a different women today that I ever though I would be. I still have work to do, but I love who I am becoming.

side prayer:
Dear Universe,
A new car would be rad!
xo, em

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Sobriety Sunday

Hello everyone! Today I sit in gratitude that I am alive and sober! Sat thru an amazing and inspirational Church service this morning - topic of course was the 10 yr Anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on our country. As we heard stories of various people that had lost loved ones at the World Trade Center that day, I was moved by their faith, but especially their HOPE - their hope that this tragedy would not be the defining moment in their lives. The defining moment in their lives would be the hope they had for their future and the future of our country to bond together - as Americans. It was truly moving. Today I am grateful and honored to be a United States Army veteran that served my country; I am grateful to be a sober alcoholic in recovery and that I have hope that I can continue to help & support those still struggling; I am grateful to be an American today in a country that I can live freely....I hope all of you are participating in something special today to mark the Anniversary of the 9/11 events...even if it's just a special prayer you say today :)

Annette
Guest Posting for Em

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Love this!

Women are like the apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of
vethe tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones, because
they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they get the
rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the
apples at the top think something is wrong with them when in reality
they are amazing! They have to wait for the right guy to come along.
The one who is brave enough to climb to the top of the tree!

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Blog Roll

Okay guys the silence on here is starting to freak me out. It's like
I'm talking to myself. Please check in and let us know how you are doing.

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Fear of Rejection

I don't even know where to start with this one-and that pisses me off. It seems that my fear of rejection has been around as long as I have...thanks Dad...you'll never hear me complain about it again, as being a chick with Daddy issues does nothing for me, but it is where my fear of rejection came from, so maybe if I at least acknowledge it I may be able to recover from it.

I am finding myself pushing people away that I feel are in a position to reject me. If I mentally bail out of it first, there's no way I can be rejected right?

I don't even know where to start with this one. Which is hard for me. I normally have some kind of idea of where to begin. Admitting it's an issue, I guess that is where I will begin.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Teenagers are Tuff

They say that when you are experiencing pain and difficult situations yet can feel serenity, happiness and peace you are truly as close to God as you can get. Well it seems that God and I couldn't be any closer. My heart is super heavy yet I have this calm under line peace. I am finding raising a teenager to be a giant test of everything I am and everything I am trying to be. If my kid makes it to his 18th birthday without me knocking him the hell out it will be nothing short of a miracle.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

A Peaceful Weekend




This is where I spent my weekend. Beautiful right!? I was a very happy camper! In fact I slept througt the night for the first time in like 6 months. I guess a little get away was just what I needed:)

Perception

That was the topic of my meeting tonight. Perception is interesting-mine is not yours because mine is based on my life, what I have been through, what I have learned, what I fear, what I have decided to see as real or unreal- which is not the same as what you have been through.

The cool thing about perception is that it can be change at any time. What I have once seen as a bad or hopeless situation can soon become an amazing learning experience that I am grateful for with just a small shift in my perception. I dig that.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Friday

Hey everyone! I am up and getting ready for work-so as far a wise things to say-may be sparse. Mmmm how about an update...

I am still dating the new boy. I swing from TOTALLY being into him, to TOTALLY not being. I don't know why. It is weird. I finally get that if we don't work out it's not because there's anything wrong with me, or anything wrong with him, it's just not a match. I am trying to stay in the moment and enjoy him, but I'm not going to lie-it's tuff. Not the enjoying part so much as he is super cute, but the staying in the moment part. I think I have been so worried about finding Mr. Right that I started failing to appreciate Mr. Right Now. Hehehe I think that's what I should call him from now on...Mr. Right Now...funny!

The boys are doing wonderfully. I am continually amazed at how awesome they are. Yesterday I wrote..."Out of all the sons in the entire world how did I get lucky enough to get the very best one?"...on their mirror in dry erase marker......It was funny to hear them bicker about who is was for...duh, both of course! I love them. And I love that I am present in their lives today.

My recovery program is stronger that it ever as been. I am proud of that. My old self would have gotten all wrapped up in the new guy to the point that everything else would have fallen to shit. It is nice to have a life!

Work is great! I am starting the new component of it in a few weeks, then I can chit-chat all about it!

Well, that's it in a nutshell. What about you? Comments have been super slow on here...so come on y'all give us an update! xo, em