Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Sobriety Sunday......on Tuesday :)

Hey everyone! Sorry I wasn't able to do my weekly Sobriety Sunday post on Sunday....but here it is on Tuesday - same subject (sobriety), different day (Tuesday) - it all still works :)

Gratitude!!!!! I was SOOOOO grateful to be sober Sunday in particular! My 10 yr old was being pulled on a skateboard by a friend riding his bike - rope attached to the bike, and my son on the board at the other end....no helmet mind you :( Anyway, he was going really fast, hit a rock and fell on the street on his head - scrambling, crying, screaming, rushing - ER - cat scans - concussion yes - no brain injury (THANK GOD!!) - and then home with extensive instructions as they have recently increased the guidelines for monitoring and after-care on concussions.

Had I been drinking and/or drunk, soooo many different scenarios could have played out badly: I could have been pulled over for DUI while en route to the ER, the ER staff could have called SRS while we were in the ER, I could have missed something important the doctor or nurse had said to me in regard to my son's injury....so many things "could have happened IF I had been drinking and/or drunk".

Nothing bad happened in this regard - I was as sober as the Pope and 100% present for my son and the doctors. When I choose sobriety first and foremost in my life, I don't have to worry about the situations I mentioned above and that right there affirms for me why my sobriety is so totally important for me and my family.

I was lucky back in my drinking days that neither of my kids was ever injured while I was drinking/drunk and required ER visits...."only by the Grace of God"! Drinking is not worth anything in my mind these days - I honestly don't miss it at all. I much prefer coming face to face on a daily basis with life on life's terms - it ain't always pretty, but it's there nonetheless, and I deal with it :)

Hope everyone is having a great day & again, I apologize for my late post - I'm sure all you moms out there understand :)

Guest Posting for Em

Sobriety First

My life is starting to get full. In the beginning of sobriety I was so sick that I all I could do was stay sober. I look back now and I'm so, so grateful that God kept everything off my plate until I was ready to handle it. But am I ready to handle it? I guess so, or I wouldn't be where I am right now.

I needed more time in the week the other day and my mind actually went to my meeting schedule first....HELLO FLIPPING LO....if anything as life takes off I should be going to more meetings...I SORTA know how my disease works...It talks to me in my voice, and sounds super smart...alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful-there is no doubt about that-and it wants me drunk...So I did a few things to secure my sobriety. Either I put God and my program first or my crazy will return, and I'm just not up for that-at all.

Monday, August 29, 2011


I am. And it sucks. Yesterday I decided the new guy wasn't really into me (for absolutely no reason), I felt needy and cranky and off balance all day.

I was thinking that pms must be hard on guys also (don't get me wrong it is WAY harder on us) but still all of a sudden their perfectly sane and sweet wife or girlfriend or daughter get all Sally sensitive on them, crying at the drop of a hat, and flying off the deep end for absolutely no reason. My advice to men... be sweet, really flipping sweet, and don't try to figure us out, that's nearly impossible...Women-can't live with them-can't live without them.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Holy Crap

I woke up this morning completely under attack. You know when you wake up angrier than crap for no reason? It sucks. I totally yelled at Beau, which pretty much won me the worst Mom in the world award, then quickly ran through everything that is or could possibly go wrong. Not pretty, not pretty at all.

I am wearing myself thin these days. I know that some people can do that and be just fine, I am not one of them. So as I take a deep breath in I pray for balance, Oh' and to start this crappy ass day fresh and new. Amen

Thursday, August 25, 2011

My Date

The date went well. We went to a movie then sat outside and talked, it was lovely.

He's a normie...very respectful of my sobriety, but still a normie. I wonder if when my crazy comes he'll be able to handle it. But I guess the truth is if I'm working a strong enough program he shouldn't have to see my crazy at all. We'll see. I am surprised how well I'm doing. I haven't freaked out, run away, or sabotaged it yet. Progress!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

$1.82 in the Tank

Today's been an interesting day. It started out a little ruff as I counted pennies to put in my gas tank this morning. So as I was driving, praying that $1.82 would get me to and from work I prayed to God thanking him that I even had a job to drive to, but that this whole poverty thing was getting a bit old.

Then about half way through my shift I got a phone call offering me a job opportunity doing exactly what I love to do. Sometime slowly, sometimes quickly, but he always answered

The good news is that I never once questioned my ability to do the job. And if you've followed the blog since the beginning you know that has not always been the case. In fact when I re entered the job market I was quite convinced that I was pretty much in capable of anything....GO NEW FOUND SELF-ESTEEM!!! It took awhile to figure out that I'm actually kind of a smart cookie. Thanks for all of you who reminded me time and time again. xo

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Ones we Love

This morning as I was feeding the ball players at work, I started thinking that I wished I treated the people I love the most as well as I treated the players, and everyone else for that matter. I am sweet, and kind, and supportive. I totally spoil them. I understand that they are young and far away from home.

But at home with my boys, the ones I truly love, I am shitty. I yell and nag and behave in a manner I never would to other people. I would never yell, or belittle a friend, or someone at work or in a meeting.

So I guess I have to ask myself "Why is it that I treat the people I love the most the worst?"

If love and tolerance is our code shouldn't that start at home?

Monday, August 22, 2011

I like him

My date late night went really well. I like him. Mmmm, how to explain it? As we were talking I sorta wanted to flick him in the head to see if he was real. But I wanted him to ask me out on a second date... so I didn't.

We hit golf balls, then went out to eat. You know when you meet someone and you could spend the whole night talking? It was like that. He's the first guy in sobriety I've had that with...so it's super exciting, yet a little scary all at the same time.

So anyway. He's super cute, so far so good. We're going out again on Wednesday. Cool right!?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Sobriety Sunday

LYING, DECEIVING, DISHONESTY, MANIPULATING.....These are all things that I wanted to talk about today. When I was drinking, I was the master liar. My husband would call home from out of town and point blank ask me if I was drinking - my answer, of course, was no....when I was sitting there with a drink in my hand. I would be drunk and say something I was supposed to keep to myself - get caught - and lie like a rug to blame someone else...who cares who got hurt - as long as it wasn't me.

I look back at one of the most liberating changes I made once I became sober and that is becoming honest....and I mean honest to the core. It was hard when I started, but by being honest in all that I do and say, it has become something that I truly cherish. Don't get me wrong - I'm in no way perfect, but when I "do" occasionally slip up and fall back into my old ways, I now "face the music". I might get hurt, get embarassed, my ego takes a hit - but I own it and do whatever it takes to make it right.

The worst person you can lie to is yourself. I successfully stayed as far away from getting sober for a very long time by continuously lying to myself. Once I got honest with myself, I found that getting sober was a bit easier to consider - because then I knew the truth...I was an alcoholic and I needed to get help, from whatever source was available wherever it was available. Which could also be described as "was willing to go to any lengths" to get sober.

If you are currently lying to yourself or others about your drinking, today is the perfect day to stop lying and give the truth a try....you might just experience that liberating feeling I discovered not so long ago. The truth really does set you free :)

Hope everyone is having an awesome Sunday! I'm off to a mandatory drug & alcohol meeting at my son's high school. Oh how I pray for him and all of his classmates that they don't ever have to battle this wicked, evil monster that we all fight every day.

Love, prayers and hugs to you all!

Guest posting for Em

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Insecure Emily

So I'm going on a date tomorrow. And all of a sudden I started getting all insecure about it. I don't know why... probably because he had a job, and a car, and all in all, I just don't think I'm worthy of a guy who has his shit together. I know, I know...that's bull. I am worthy. I am!

My friend Bob set me straight when I told him how I was feeling. He said, "I admire you for what you're doing". You took a crappy situation and are doing everything you can to make it better. You are making something of yourself and while doing so helping others. Thanks Bob.

So because of Bob I am going to go on my date tomorrow instead of making up some bull crap excuse about why I can't.

Go dating! Super fun! lol

Thursday, August 18, 2011

A Better Place

I am in such a better place than I have been. When I relax and take a deep breath I think to myself "I am happy" It was very hard to go so long without being happy when you know what happy feels like.

I am happy, I am content, it is nice.

I would love to ride it out and be content with just being content. But that isn't how it works, there is still more work to be done. I am taking a 2 month relationship course. I need to clean up and close up the problems I have in relationships that still keep surfacing. And then I fully expect to meet the love of my life:)

I will be blogging my way through that course. Should be fun!

Monday, August 15, 2011

15 things to do besides drinking....

  1. go to a meeting

  2. pray

  3. take a walk

  4. rent a movie

  5. volunteer

  6. plant some flowers

  7. call a friend

  8. journal

  9. start a blog

  10. eat something yummy

  11. find a new favorite drink

  12. take a bath

  13. listen to your favorite music

  14. clean out your closet

  15. read a book

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Sobriety Sunday

Hello & Happy Sunday to everyone! It was great to see so much response and conversation on last Sunday's post, so for those that missed it, we're doing a "roll call" so everyone that follows (those that comment as well as those that just read) can sound off and tell everyone a little about themselves....anonymously, if you prefer, of course :) Just include the following - can look at last Sundays post to get an idea of the format: State/country you live in, marital status, kiddo status, Issues, Goals and Sobriety Date or current status with alcohol. Would be great to see some additional comments from those that read & follow :)

I'm in the midst of reading "Best Kept Secret" and the passage I was reading before I fell asleep last nite around midnite sent chills up & down my spine and they were still there when I woke up this morning. It reminded me of this from my drinking days:

I remember my heart beating faster and faster the closer and closer I got to the liquor store - wow - noticed it back then, but didn't really pay much attention to it or attribute it to the fact that I might have a problem. The other was being completely out of alcohol and absolutely needing it NOW....but what about the kids???....they're asleep - they won't even know I left...I'll be right back - and then running off in my car to the liquor store before they closed at 11 p.m. - WTF!!!!! What was I thinking??? What if something would have happened, what if they would have woken up and found that I wasn't there? These questions didn't haunt me at the time when I was actually leaving them home alone to get to the liquor store, but oh boy do they haunt me now! Looking back at my behaviors after being sober for quite a while, I am utterly shocked at the lengths that I went to for my vodka...guess I just didn't see it or realize it back then when I was actively drinking...scary to think about, but always remember this.....don't dwell on the past, but don't forget it either....when I tend to forget how it was, I begin to teeter and toy with silly ideas that I can drink like the normies....so I've made it my mission to never forget my past and my stories and what it was like, cuz I don't ever wanna go back there again!

Great book by the way - really quick read for me - I started yesterday and will be done with it tonite before I go to bed :)

Hope everyone had a super sober weekend - I know "somebody" that follows on here that could share her amazing story of a "victory" this past weekend - only if she wants to though and anonymously of course!

Hugs to all!

Guest posting for Em

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Eat Pray Love

I just got finished read the book Eat Love Pray. I was starting to feel like the last person on earth yet to read it.
I like millions of others feel in love. What an amazing, well writing, honest book...loved it!

As I say time and time again when the student is ready the teacher will come. I have not been meditating...praying a whole heap, but not meditating. This book awakened me to the idea of meditation. I am grateful.

My very favorite part was when her and her friend were driving and she was struggling not knowing when a settlement agreement would be made in her divorce. Her friend asked her if she had asked God...so right there in the car she wrote a letter to God asking and then explaining why it would be best for her, her loved ones and the universe if a settlement would happen. Then she took a nap...after she woke her phone rang...it was her lawyer letting her know that a settlement had been reached. God always, always, always answers are prayers sometimes it's not as quick as this story, and sometimes the answer is no, but he always answers.

Have you read eat pray love? And if so what did you think?

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Stinking Thinking

Things are going pretty well these days, so well in fact that I have mentally been preparing ways that I could start slacking on my program. "I don't really need so many meetings, I'm too busy to sponsor anyone, I don't really need to read the book." bull, bull, bull...that thinking is totally my disease trying to take me back. I do need that many meetings, and if I stop working with other alcoholics I will be drunk before I even know it, and that book saved my flipping life the least I can do is read it once in awhile.

I am grateful today that I know when my thoughts are leading me back to a drink. No such luck disease, I caught you. To bad, so sad!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Sobriety Sunday

Hello everyone! Hope you all are doing well :) Since things have been a bit "quiet" on here lately, I thought I'd borrow an idea I saw on another forum I read daily. It's called "Roll Call" and you just fill in the info you feel comfortable posting....I noticed on the other forum that several women realized that they all lived near one another and were able to get together face-to-face and it has really seemed to help them in their sobriety struggles. If you don't want to fill one of the lines in, just leave it blank :)

State: Kansas

Marital Status: Married 17 years this November

Kiddos: 2 boys, ages 10 & 14

Issues: procrastination, selfishness, setting & then working towards goals, that pesky disease monster frequently trying to tell me "you can be a normal drinker" and trying too hard sometimes to save the world.

Goals: Work thru and conquer my character defects one day at a time, set goals and work towards them, stop trying to save the world and focus on myself and help those still suffering the nasty thralls of this disease on a daily basis whenever and however I possibly can :)

Sobriety Date and/or Status: December 22, 2010

So, with that, look forward to learning a little about those that follow Em's blog and may not comment, but merely read. You never know when you might find out that some of us may live just down the street and be a wonderful source of friendship & support :) Like they say, "sobriety begins with one alcoholic talking with another alcoholic".

Hope everyone had a great weekend and big cyber-hugs to everyone!

Guest-posting for Emily

Saturday, August 6, 2011

A Wedding

Is she not the most beautiful bride ever? Better yet she is the most beautiful person ever. Has been even since she was a little girl. Now I would like to take all the credit being that I was her preschool teacher and the one that gave her her the book The Rules, but I can't, the credit absolutely goes to her wonderful parents. It was such an honor to be at this special ocassion.

And the details...Oh' the details...amazing. There where far to many to name, but I will share my favorite one...they decorated the bathroom and filled it with everything you would need to freshen up...includuing flip flop incase your feet got sore from dancing. Brilliant right!?

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Annette & Emily in AZ

A pic of me (left) and Em (right) at Starbucks before heading to a meeting....was soooooo great to finally meet in person - it's been a long time coming, but we finally did it!

Hope everyone is doing well - I'm back to sanity after my meltdown Tuesday...well, actually I'm sure it was more like Monday thru Wednesday....off my pity pot and ready to move forward with a winning attitude instead of a whiny attitude :)


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Practicing what I Preach

Practicing what I preach has been on my mind a lot lately. I mostly have a simple solution for every problem that is presented to me. Pray, take a walk, stay in gratitude, read the book, go to a meeting, turn it over, hit you knees every morning, and every night. These are all solutions that I give to people on a daily basis. But do I take all of my own suggestions...nope. Why not? I'm not sure. Easier said that done maybe, laziness, free will...who know!?

I wouldn't ask anyone to do anything I wasn't willing to do myself. In fact people that do that annoy the crap out of me. I need to work on it before I become one of them. I need to make absolutely sure that I practice what I preach. Otherwise I have this funny feeling that I will start annoying myself:)