The uncomfortable comfort zone.

I'm posting this to remind me of the story I want to write. I would
write it right now, but I'm sooo tired I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Sent from my iPhone

Friday July 1, 2011

I have been stuck, so stuck in this uncomfortable zone that for some reason started to feel comfortable. Day after day laying on the couch, drownding everything out. It was not pretty. I have a very good friend that says she has to fight her depression as hard as she fights her alcoholism. I get it. I feel when a depression is coming on just as much as I when my alcoholism is getting the best of me. And the solution I have found is the same...go to a meeting, call someone, take a walk, read something spiritual...

So anyway I'm out of it. I have a job (It's feeding the CUBS minor leauge team:) I am helping others stay sober and I blogging again. One Day at a Time...I am getting better...One day at a Time.

Love this....

"The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the steps. One step at a time.

I'm alive

and sober.

Sent from my iPhone

Sobriety Sunday

Not much on my mind today, except.....what is going on with everyone that follows this blog? Haven't heard from many of you lately and just wanted to take some time to check in with some of you and see if there is anything in particular that YOU would like to discuss. Just "throw it out there" and hopefully we can get a pretty good conversation goin.

Hope everyone is well - I'm exhausted today...weeded, mowed, tons of yard work - was sweating my butt off - felt good while I was doin it, but now I'm really tired and it is really hot outside. Soooooo, I'm just gonna do some things "inside" where the air conditioning is. Hugs to everyone!

Annette
Guest Blogging for Em

Happy Saturday

Sorry I haven't blogged in so many days. I'm really working hard on
getting a job. Which I think I got -fingers crossed- It's hours are
crappy but at this point work is work. Ever bill is due and my bank is
in over draft.

I think that's why I haven't had much to say lately. I try really
hard not to let fear of finance take me down mentally, but it does
sometimes. I'm sick of it.

Besides that everything is going decent, not great, but decent. Sorry
to be Debbie Depressing but I'm a little annoyed with it all right now.
Sent from my iPhone

Camping in Review

June 18th
I'm up camping I am at peace. I have no anxiety. I am amount friends. It is wonderful. I've always wanted to be part of "group' to fit in to feel loved and accepted. I do now it is amazing. It is a family that loves and supports each other. I am blessed. So, so blessed

While I was up camping I reflected on my last few years of camping sober. I remember laying in my tent being cold and lonley and swearing to myself I would never sleep alone in a tent again. I did last year, but begrudgenly. This year I layed in my warm tent, on my soft air mattress, under my 3 sleeping bags and thanked God that this year I could sleep in my tent, all alone and not be lonley at all.
Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Being in a Bar and Having a Great Sober Time

I just spent 4 amazing days down at the Lake of the Ozarks at my condo with 2 of my best girlfriends. We spent time poolside, shopped, talked, ate at amazing restaurants ........and went to bars on the water at nite. I've been at this for a while and it doesn't bother me at all to be in a bar. If nothing else, it almost reaffirms my sobriety to me. I see so many people completely out of their minds drunk, doing things that EVERYONE notices - most likely things that they normally wouldn't do....some fall down, some weave back & forth as they walk to the bathroom and others are literally throwing up in the bathroom. I see that and it makes me proud to be a sober, happy person - it makes me proud that I can honestly be social, happy and outgoing without a drop of alcohol in my body.....it makes me proud that I can just be me :) One guy came up to talk to us and wanted to buy us a round of drinks and I said I would love a refill on my iced tea....the shocked look on his face was priceless! He could not get past the fact that I didn't drink - he was asking why, how do I do it, etc., etc. He was VERY concerned with WHY I didn't drink???? That coming from a very drunk guy - I was somewhat amused actually. I just told him that I choose not to drink and that I don't need to drink in order to have a good time and that I ALWAYS feel 100% the day after going out. He basically said "whatever". What was interesting, was that we ran into those same guys the next day at lunch and the guy with all the questions the nite before was looking REALLY rough. Of course I didn't walk over with an "I told you so" - I didn't need to.....I only worry about myself & my sobriety nowadays. His hangover pain was absolutely none of my business.

Was having a hard time with what to write about today, but the hubby reminded me I may have a story from my girls week - and this is what came to mind. I know not everyone can handle "bar life" in sobriety, but some can. I just wanted to share that it is possible and I don't think I've laughed as hard as I did this past week in a long time. It was nice to cut loose and not be drunk but to just be me.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Father's Day with family & friends. We just got home from Father's Day lunch and are now, of course, headed to the baseball park.

Hugs to All - Annette
Guest blogging for Em

Gone Camping

I am getting ready to leave for my annual camping trip. It is my most favorite trip of the year. When I am up there I truly have peace and serenity.

Last year right before I left to go camping I found out that they were going to air my episode of the Dr. Phil show. I knew the blog would be flooded with people looking for help. It stresses me out, for about two seconds. I knew I was powerless. And there was no way I was going to miss my camping trip. I handed the blog to Annette (who did a wonderful job by the way) and headed right out of town. Talk about letting it go.

I have had a hard year. So I am going to use this trip to -let it all go- to set some intentions and goals and to connect at a deeper level with my sober family and higher power. Peace out:)





So high ho, high ho a camping I will go!

I wish...

Update

I'm wondering how many people were wanting an update on Tuesdays post.
Well whether or you wanted one or not your getting one. Cause it
worked out, as always.

About 5 minutes after I published the post I got a txt from a friend
asking if I was going to our home group that night. I txt back -yes,
if I have enough gas- she then txt -if you can make it to my work I'll
give you some gas money-you see this friend doesn't drive and I often
give her rides. She was happy to help.

With the help of God, and a good friend I made it to my meeting on time.

Sent from my iPhone

Sitting in Faith

I am sharing my story today at noon. It is always my honor. I am going to share with you guys how I'm doing financially, not to get sympathy, or donations (though they are appreciated) but so you understand that in my life, and I believe in any ones life who asks, God will take care of our needs, maybe not always our wants, but always are needs.

So anyway today I had $1.00 to my name. I was all like no problem, I'll put that in my gas tank to get to the meeting." then the power went out (I have a pay as you go power box) and my plan changed I then spent that $1.00 on power. Now I'm not going to lie I have anxiety about it...I'm not sure if I have enough gas to make it to the meeting. But I have done my part. I have a text out asking for a ride. If they don't get back to me. I'll chance that I have enough gas, because missing a service commitment is not a choice. You may ask how am I not freaking out? I'm not freaking out because it ALWAYS, ALWAYS works out. Not usually in my timing, not always in the way I would like it to, but one way or another it works out.


So right now, I'm trying to sit in faith, because the other option is sitting in anxiety, which is no fun at all!

The Endless Loop of Addiction

Hello everybody! Hope everyone is doing well and stayin sober :) I woke up this morning and was doing a little reading in a book I bought from Hazelden (the famous rehab place) and came across a passage that I remember reading somewhere else when I started my journey in recovery - not sure if it was in the BB or somewhere else, but it touched me this morning, just like it touched me way back in January 2010. It gave me hope and confirmed in my mind that I was an alcoholic and I was doing the next right thing in seeking help. I hope it can touch someone reading it today.

"The truth is, no matter how desperate we feel or how sincerely we believed we would "never drink again", we couldn't force ourselves to stop. We can't overpower an addiction. An addiction is beyond our power to control. Only when we admit we are powerless over how we use alcohol can we begin to be free. Only when we realize we can't quit any time we like do we finally have a chance to stop the cycle."

A Woman's Way Through the Twelve Steps, 1994; pgs. 9-10

Hope this is not going to be graded on citations, cuz the way I did my citation above is probably wrong, but I think it says what it needs to say for the most part. Lol

I hope you can pull something from the above passage as I did not long ago. There is hope, you are not alone, yes - things in your life will change in recovery, but there's nothing wrong with change - especially if that change makes you sit up a little straighter, stand a little taller, hold your head a little higher and puts a newfound smile on your face to replace the drunken redness, shame, remorse, guilt & tears. Love to you all and remember to take it One Day At A Time.

Hugs - Annette
Guest Blogging for Em

Bored

I am super bored today. I have heard that boredom is a sign of self-pity, I sort of think that's crap, but whatever. I do get that I'm just not use to relaxing and taking it easy. Most alcoholics feed and create sick excitement. I am no exception. And though I don't really do that in sobriety I do find myself bored quite often.

It doesn't help that I'm broke and can't afford to do anything. Okay that's a little bit of self-pity:) I was thinking earlier what I would do if I had money and the truth is I would go shopping. I need nothing, I don't need to go shopping. And I would be doing it to "feel" better. God, I am such an alcoholic.

Fighting Back

I'm in process of fighting back with both my weight and my depression.
In a lot of ways they go hand in hand. If I eat like crap and don't
work-out I feel horrible. I sorta get it now. How it all fits
together. I know I won't do it perfectly, but the fact that I'm doing
it at all is good start.

I learned this week how quickly I can fall back into a depression. I
didn't take a walk yesterday and ate like crap. Then today all I
wanted to do was sleep. It's just not worth it anymore.

So I'm going to fight back. I'm going to walk my way back into health
and hopefully a slimer bod:)
Sent from my iPhone

My Feelings Today....

This morning I shared in a meeting that I talk publicly about my alcoholism. I felt really insecure about it. Many people look down upon this. And it is heavily judged. I get why, especially right now. The documentary I shot awhile back is coming out in the next few months. In my heart, the heart of the director, and the other people involved we know it's most likely going to go somewhere...maybe somewhere big, it may be huge, it may lift some of the stereo type of alcoholism, it many help one person, or it may help hundreds. I know it will be good. In fact I know it will be great.

But holy crap the story, MY story the one I normally only share in a room full of people that don't judge me and know exactly what I'm talking about because they have been through the same thing. is about to be public knowledge. It is scary. I am just another alcoholic. I am not unique, my story though my own, isn't anything special. The difference is I have been given the opportunity to tell it publicity, and I took it. If I had any doubt that this was my calling I wouldn't be doing it, no flipping way. But I know it is. When the camera is on my words flow, they are my thoughts and my experience, but told in a way that I know I don't own. In fact when they come out of my mouth I'm normally amazed, and I usually can't repeat them the same way (I'm a get it in the first take kinda of girl) It is a gift, and I am VERY grateful to be able to share it in this way, scared, but grateful. So I guess no matter what, no matter sees my story I shouldn't worry as I know I am following Gods will....

As we grow up....

we learn that even the one person that was never supposed to let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken, and break the hearts of others. You'll fight with your best friend, or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take many pictures, laugh to much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time-outs. no second chances, you just have to live life to the fullest. tell someone what they mean to you, and your loved ones that they're love. Speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold some one's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry, or up set is a second of happiness you can never get back.

Gratitude

Thought I'd share my gratitude list for today with everyone. I haven't done one in a while, and it was the first thing that popped into my mind when I woke up this morning.

1. My HP guidling me thru life instead of me attempting to be in control of it and messin it up all the time.

2. My loving & supportive family.

3. Waking up to another wonderful day on this Earth.

4. The strength my HP has given me to "suck it up" and continue my weekly guest blog here for Emily.

5. The knowledge to understand that I can't have expectations about others, I will almost always be disappointed. All I can control are my actions and words.

6. All my friends in my recovery program....this includes all that follow on Em's blog....I am truly grateful for the wonderful friendships I've developed here and the support I've received :)

7. The ability - TODAY - to buck up and agree with Cinoda.....

My name is Annette, and I am an alcoholic. I first got sober on 12/16/09 and remained sober for exactly 10 months. I had some "slips" in 2010 that were, in my eyes, necessary in order to move on in my recovery. I have now, by the Grace of God, been sober for 5 months and 2 weeks. I am proud of my 5 months & 2 weeks. Without my HP, my homegroup, sponsor and, in this instance, especially those that follow on here, I wouldn't be able to take the constructive criticisms/thoughts of others in recovery. I have all my support outlets by the Grace of God, and I've learned to "own" what I have.....what I have accomplished. And thanks to Cinoda for calling me on my bullshit - she's exactly right! I can't work this 12-step program the way "I" want to, so that it fits "my" needs. I have to work it the way it is....the way it's been for many, many years.....and that, my friends, renders me 5 months & 2 weeks sober as of today. I will not drink today and I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here :) I hope everyone following here today can make the same statement for themselves.

Glad to be back friends and grateful to be alive today!

Hugs to everyone - Annette

Lonley

This blog is starting to feel like a very lonley place :(

Lucky Kitty

This is our new kitty Lucky. She is tiny and adorable and we love her!

Spiritual Push-ups

On my stay off the pity-pot walk last night I got a clear message that I was to do spiritual push-up. And I get what that means. You see I believe that my disease, or evil, or what ever you want to call the "bad" shit attacks you when you're weak. And the absolute only way to protect your myself is to get as close to your higher power as possible.

You see my disease wants to keep me in fear, it wants to stop me from reaching out and asking for help. it wants me all alone thinking things will never get better. But I know that's a crock. I'm the one with the tag line "It gets better, I promise."

Right now if I want to get better, if I want to grow and change I'm going to need to work my ass off. My God will protect me from my depression, from my alcoholism and from whatever harm comes my way, but not if I don't ask and then take the needed action. Right now I have something that could throw me way off track, but not if I place it in God's hands. This is sorta off topic but I am finding that I have no problem trusting my God, its other peoples Gods I don't trust. Tis' turning out to be a problem. Especially when someone you love is about to get a 24 hour chip. And you know you better stay out of the way of his program.

So you see for me the answer to all of this is.....

Spiritual Push-ups, and yes Mom a job:)