Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Blog-a-tantrum

After my blog-a-tantrum last night my higher power suggested that I get off the pity pot and take a walk, so I did, and I felt better! It's still amazing to me that one simple action can completely change how I'm feeling.

Here are some actions I will be taking to keep off the pity pot....
-taking a walk/working out
-praying
-going to counseling
-blogging daily
-going to more meetings
-calling other alcoholics

How is everyone doing?

Monday, May 30, 2011

Fucking Feelings

Excuse my English, but I am feeling all sorts of feelings today and it sucks. I know I should be grateful that I can feel my feelings at all, but I'm not today.

With feelings normally comes the need for change...which usually means work...which I normally don't do until I'm so uncomfortable that I just can't take it anymore.

I know the first step to change is prayer, at least for me...so here I go...

God,
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Sobriety Sunday

"When you get to the end of your rope. tie a knot and hang on." Franklin Roosevelt

If you are in pain, or fear or any of the other countless uncomfortable emotions... hang on tight they will pass. If there is one constant in life it is change.

I hope everyone is having a WONDERFUL weekend! And if you are not know it will pass, it always does.

Friday, May 27, 2011

No Bad Days

A very close friend of mine watched me get sober, watched me heal, watched the program I stay sober in safe my life. He got a front seat of what a recovery program can do. He has much respect for it.

I am hoping that when and if he hits bottom that he will find his way through the doors. For now he's trying to get it through osmosis...yes, I have informed him chances are slim)

Yesterday we were talking on the phone and he was reading the bumper stickers in front of him..."One day at a Time" and "Easy does it" He knew where they were from and what they meant. Then he asked me what "There are no bad days" meant I giggled and told him that one was a lie, I also think that "Think, think, think" is a pretty stupid one too, but that's just my opinion.

Then last night I was sharing at a meeting and in my share I said "I haven't had a day in sobriety that was as bad as it was when I was out drinking. It dawned on me what "There are no bad days" means. No matter how bad it sucks, it never sucks as bad as it was when my mind was consumed with the thought of drinking.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

My Favorite Part

The other day I was sharing with a friend my favorite part of sobriety...my very favorite part is being able to stay in the moment.

I told him the exact moment when I understood that through recovery I had received a gift I call -moments-

Gavin and I were in the hot tub playing. He was doing the whole "Watch me"..."Count how long I can hold my breath"..."Let's play ----" and I did, and I loved it and I didn't want to be anywhere else in world. I wasn't needing to run to fridge to get a beer, or a smoke. I wasn't obsessing over alcohol or wanting to be on the phone drunk dialing. I was completely in the moment. It was amazing. I often use the saying "Right now, right at this moment there is absolutely nothing wrong" On that day that I really actually "got" what being in the moment meant not only was there nothing wrong, but everything in my world was right.

Now don't get me wrong I can't always stay in the moment. In fact sometimes I am so far out of it that it's ridiculous. But I know, I know how wonderful it is to be right in the moment. It is truly where the magic is:)

Monday, May 23, 2011

Easy Does It

Yesterday I used one of the many tools I have been taught in sobriety. I was feeling a TON of anxiety so I wrote down a list of things I actually had to be anxious about. The list was long and legit. I looked at it and smiled, half of the stuff can be taken care of this week. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

What I use to do when I had depression and anxiety was spin it all into a big bunch of unmanageable, overwhelming, out of control, dramatic, never going to be able to deal with it, or fix it, or make it better, OMG my life is over and I'll be stuck in this mess and anxiety forever.

That is what I use to do...

Now...in sobriety...I make a list...chip away at what I can...ask for help when I need it...and give the things I can't control to God...

Today I am thankful for solutions!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Sobriety Sunday

Alcohol's Disastrous Promise

I have some promises I'll make to you
If you will do what I want you to do.
The more that you consume of me
The more will your losses be.
Here are the promises to you I make
And I promise the promises never to break.

I promise to take your money, your home
And all you can get in the way of a loan.
I'll take your character, your reputation too
Your good name, I'll take from you.
Your friends I'll take from you one day
Your family from you I'll turn away.
I'll take your car, I'll take your wealth
I'll take your job, I'll take your health.
I'll cause you to stay out in the rain.
I'll take your credit, I'll take your bail
I'll cause you to sleep in a dirty jail.

I'll cause you regret, remorse and pain
I'll cause your name to go down in shame.
I'll bring you misery, I'll bring you woe
I'll bring you trouble more than you know.
I'll take your clothes and pawn them too
The necessities of Life, I'll take from you.

I'll take from you the days, I'll take from you the years
I'll double the flow of your bitter tears.
I'll take your heart, give you one of stone
I'll cause you to walk through life alone.
I'll take away your desires to live aright
Your light of day, I'll turn to night.

I'll cause you to dishonor your mother and dad
I'll take away all the pleasure you could have had.
I'll turn your love for your friends to hate
Your desire to repent will come too late.
Your road to despair for you I'll pave
I'll cause you to fill a premature grave.

I'll put you in an institution for the insane
Your normal thinking will go down the drain.
I'll cause you to murder your very best friend
I'll trouble your mind to the very end.
I'll bring you contention, I'll bring you strife
I'll finish with you by taking your life........
Author Unknown

This poem was handed out in my homegroup the nite after my last relapse and it really hit home with me. During my time in the program, I had seen a man that all of alcohol's promises had come true for except death - he was living under a bridge after losing everything and everyone the day he walked into his 1st meeting. I have seen a woman in my group that had lost all of her friends, and I do seriously mean ALL of her friends....she only had her mom and dad left - no one else wanted ANYTHING to do with her. I've seen people in those rooms that haven't suffered any consequences thus far.....but chose to stop drinking before the consequences mentioned in this poem started coming true for them. I've seen all kinds of different people in the rooms I visit and they are all in very different stages of this extremely progressive disease.

I wanted to share this with everyone today, cuz it opened my eyes wider and I think about it often....I even use it as a bookmark in my BB so it's there to remind me all the time.

I'm off to the ballpark....AGAIN......hoping for another Huskies win - hmmmm, I'm a poet & didn't even know it :)

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and I can't wait to hear everyone's comments - good & bad, of course - on my post today.

Hugs & Love to Everyone!

Annette - Guestposting for Em

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Today

Where I am today? OkayI guess, doing better. I didn't spend all day asleep on the couch, which is good. Last night at my meeting I share -a lot- about what was going on with me. I love the fact that I never have to be all alone again. Even when life is sucking, it's not hopeless -far from it-

Here's a little of what's going on in my head....Go to meetings, call another sober person, eat healthy, watch your sugar and caffeine intake, work-out everyday (even if it's only for 10 minutes) Pray, Go to meetings, call another sober person, eat healthy, watch your sugar and caffeine intake, work-out everyday (even if it's only for 10 minutes) pray...

Right now I feel like I'm staying sober and sane"One breath, one thought, one moment at a time"


How are you doing?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

{Name Withheld}

and I are friends again. His fiancee broke-up with him and broke his heart (Yes, I've made a few karma cracks, but only a few) He was best friend and I missed him terribly. I am glad to have him back in my life. We are very sensitive to each others boundaries...like I'll be talking about new guy and he'll be like k..k..k or vice verse. We want to know about each others lives, but all of the intimate details...not so much.

Why are we not together? Because he drinks...a lot:(

Monday, May 16, 2011

Great Program, Great Friends

My sober friends are saving my life these days. As I'm sure you can tell I've been in a great big funk. Like a dragging myself off the couch kind of funk. It has been going on for longer that I am comfortable with and it's wearing me out.

But you know what? Tonight I feel like the most blessed girl on earth. My friends caught it. One asked me to do coffee today out of the blue, and another asked me to go work out with her. They caught it, they caught that I was only pretending to be okay.

I guess what I actually learned today is the importance of a home group. The people in my home group know me, and even when I don't talk about what's actually going on they can tell. I am blessed to have them in my life!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Character Defects Turned over to my HP = Doing the Next Right Thing

Over the weekend, while at my oldest son's baseball tournament, I was faced with a situation that could have been handled in two different ways - the "old Annette way" or the "new Annette way". I'll try to keep the story as brief as possible. A mom from the opposing team was angry that her son's team was losing by many runs against our team. The electronic field scoreboards were not working at the park, so I had brought my manual scoreboard that fits into the backstop fence so our fans would know what the score was. Every time we scored a run I had to manually flip the numbers and got to talking and was behind on flipping like 5 runs. I began to flip to get it to the correct score and this mom from the other team starts yelling at me "Yea sweetie - you just keep flippin that fricken score some more!", I in turn said (not yelled), "what would you do if the actual field scoreboard was working?, attack it?"...from there she yells to me "Bring It!!!!". Here's where the "old Annette way" would have kicked in full of vengefulness and hostility - I basically would have gone over there and kicked her ass up one side and down the other and would have probably been thrown out of the park. .........However, the "new Annette way" kicked in almost immediately - I kept my mouth shut and my butt parked in my chair and ignored her for the rest of the game. She made another comment loudly after the game was over and we had won that she "wished she could take care of me in the parking lot". Again - ignored her completely.

I went home and had a wonderful evening with my family eating pizza and watching movies. Before bed, I got on my knees for my nightly prayers, and the 1st thing I prayed for was that woman/mom at the ballpark......I prayed that God would put some love in her heart and show her that she was probably upsetting her son and his teammates; I prayed that God would give her the patience to continue sitting through the rest of her son's games for the weekend without so much anger and hostility; I asked God to rewind the days events for her and replay for her what she looked like out there in the stands at a 14 yr olds baseball game.

I went to sleep with no anger, hostility or resentments towards this woman - only good thoughts. I got to the game this morning and low & behold, who are we playing but that same team. My 1st thought was "great, now I'm gonna have to majorly control myself again today and I don't know that I can put up with this woman's crap for another entire game".

But I was pleasantly surprised....when I got to the game this morning, that same woman came over and apologized for her behavior yesterday and told us how embarassed and upset she was with herself for acting like that towards us. It was a heartfelt apology that was graciously accepted by us.

My point in sharing this story is this: Instead of getting all fired up, angry, hostile, vengeful and physical, I chose to follow the suggestions from my recovery program....I realized that this woman was spiritually (and possibly mentally) sick. Instead of feeding into her crazy drama, I chose to pray for her instead and avoid further retaliation and arguments. I thought of a passage from my BB that says, "....a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while........For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit." So I did just what was suggested by my recovery program....I didn't allow myself to retaliate in a negative way back at this woman, I didn't harbor a deep resentment all night regarding her actions, instead, enjoyed a quiet & peaceful evening with my husband and boys and prayed that God would guide this woman and show her His will for her instead of her running riot on her own self-will..............And it all worked out very pleasantly.

I choose recovery & sobriety today because my life is so much better with it......I'm so glad I did the next right thing instead of kicking her ass and thinking about the consequences later when my entire family and our team would be totally pissed at me.

Living sober is good......and so is God!

Annette

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Having it all Together

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Right now not so much. It's staying sober through the times you don't that is the challenge. After a few year of sobriety I came to the conclusion that no matter what, drinking would make it worse. And it would. Now don't get me wrong there are times I still crave numbing out, but the wreckage it would make is so not worth it. And though sometimes feeling my feeling is tuff, I am grateful to be feeling them at all.

"Right now, right this second there is absoultly nothing wrong." I don't know why I felt the need to add that, but I did:)

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Not Abandoning Myself

I'm going to try to share a little about what's going on with me right now, which is hard for me to do. I have a much easier time writing about stuff once I've gotten a little bit past it. But I'm going to give it a shot....



I have been looking at my relationships lately, or lack there of. I am in the process of reading"Beyond Co-Dependency" I don't really think I'm all that co-dependant, but I keep on abandoning myself when I get into new relationships. So I guess we'll go with a phrase often used for alcoholics...if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...it's a duck.

I'm thinking it's probably time in my sobriety to get some counseling. Which I'm sure will open up a big can of emotional whup ass, but I'm willing to do the work, I feel like I've been "stuck" in the same place for far to long, at this point I don't know how to get past on my own...so outside help it is.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Drinking Buddies

I am sitting outside with two of my friends both of whom are drinking beers. I have no desire to drink, smoke maybe, but not drink. That's a flipping amazing to me.

It helps that they are acting like dumb asses:) I am grateful for them. They remind me of how it use to be.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Into to the Light

I'm up, I'm out of bed, off the couch, got the boys to school, dishes are done, and I'm blogging from buzzberry . Maybe this funk is over. God I pray the funk is over.

I have not been in a good place lately, not at all. And it sucked. But as it always does it is passing. And I'm smiling again. I unloaded on a good friend the other day. Told her all of the secret things I was thinking, and doing and keeping to myself. She shared hers with me and we laughed and laughed and I felt better. I realized that what I was holding in were things I was ashamed to tell anyone...but none of it was anything to be ashamed of, not at all. That's my evil disease trying to keep me trapped in my head thinking no one understands. Not only do people understand, but their usually doing the exact same thing....I AM NOT ALONE...YOU ARE NOT ALONE...WE ARE NOT ALONE!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!

I can remember waking up on Mothers Day hungover, tired, achy....basically feeling like shit and having my two sweet boys still running into my bedroom with the cards that they'd either made or bought for me....they both always had big smiles on their faces. The way that made me feel was absolutely horrible....I didn't deserve those two sweet boys' smiling faces or their cards. That's the way I used to feel when I was actively drinking.

Today and last Mothers Day were different.....those same two sweet boys came running into my bedroom with their cards and I was happy, joyous, free and able to feel proud of my accomplishments as a Mom. There were no horrible feelings of being hungover or guilty or undeserving....I only felt pride. Pride for picking myself back up when I hit my bottom and doing the next right thing....getting sober - and not for them - for me! If I don't focus on being the "best me" I can be, then I can't be the best Mom for them.

I wish I could relive those 4 or 5 Mothers Days that I was hungover, but I can't...I can't dwell on the past...I can only move forward, one day at a time, and continue to keep God in the forefront of my life, actively work my program, help others and love myself enough so that I am able to fully love others.

And that is my hope for all the readers out there on this Mothers Day....that everyone that follows here begins to love themselves enough to put the bottle down and begin building an amazing sober life that is better than you could ever imagine.

Happy Mothers Day to all of the moms out there that have been blessed with children....and to those that have been blessed with furry, four-legged kiddos too! Mommyhood rocks and so does sobriety! Hugs to you all!!!
Annette

Friday, May 6, 2011

Happy Juice

I often refer to serotonin as happy juice. I find it to be the easiest way to explain it. Most alcoholics and addicts have destroyed their serotonin levels. Meaning most of us have a hard time being "happy" on our own. If you watch a child you see serotonin's working properly. Can you imagine being that happy sober?

It is for sure what I'm shooting for. I have heard that it can take anywhere from 1-5year for your serotonin levels to level out. I believe that.

I can tell you this when I started recovery I couldn't fathom what the hell people were so happy about, what they were laughing about...now I get it, now I am one of them. But it took awhile...I know I will level out more and more as time goes up, and certainly not going to give up before the miracle happens.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Sometimes I Forget

Tonight I went to an event where I shared about what I do. As I was sharing I was a bit amazed by my own story. I get so stuck in the day to day grind that I forget to step outside myself to appreciated the opportunities that I have been given to help people. And though it took courage, and strength, what I have given I have recieved back 10 fold.

There were times in the last year that I wanted to give up. I didn't really want to drink, but I defiantly didn't want to get off the couch. Knowing that you guys were waiting for me to post helped get me out of myself. Thank you.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Thinking, never a good thing

I was thinking (never a good thing) that maybe I just need to get laid...hehehe. I'm not really joking, but I didn't want to offend anyone (sorry Mom)

I am in and out of a funk theses days, and trying to use the up times as best as I can. But you know what I've figured out? One of the most amazing things sobriety has taught me is that I know this to shall pass. It is not permanent and things will get better, they always do.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Recovering with your Kids

1st off, I apologize for posting so late on my first Sunday of guest posting for Em....I've been at a baseball tourney from 7 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. with no computer access.

Anonymous asked me a few weeks ago to write about my experience with my kids during recovery. Let me start with a little history. When I was drinking alcoholically, my youngest was 4 thru 8 and my oldest was 8 thru 12....their ages when I was drinking pretty heavily. I mainly drank alone at home while my husband was out of town on business and the heavy drinking didn't really begin until after the boys were in bed. They did know not to drink from my "mommy drink" and they were fine with that.

At the end of my drinking career, however, I would sometimes get weepy, emotional, etc. and feel the need to wake up my then 11/12 yr old at 2:00 a.m. on a school nite so he could listen to my drunken jabbering and crying....I'm sure I shared with him waaaayyyy too much information that he shouldn't be burdened with at such a young age, but don't really remember everything I talked to him about.

I was never physically violent with the boys, but I do remember really yelling and screaming a lot - so emotional/verbal abuse I did inflict on them.

When I first got sober in Dec 09, I shared a little with my oldest where I was going 5 nites a week and a bit of what it was about. His respone to me at that time was "good for you mom, but I never really thought you drank that much"....not sure he said that to spare my feelings or if he truly doesn't remember or wasn't affected by it as much as I thought he was. Guess I'll find out more after I do my 9th Step with him in a few months.

My youngest doesn't ever say a thing about it....the only thing close was in my early recovery, he was still sniffing whatever was in my cup and asking me if he could have a drink or if it was a "mommy drink"...I told him that "mommy doesn't drink mommy drinks anymore so sure, he could have a drink". He continued to ask for a few months, but doesn't ask at all anymore.

I really don't have a lot to share about this as my boys were somewhat young and most of my drinking was done after they were in bed. I hope that some of you with more experience in this area can comment and share what you've been thru with your children. I'll share more on this subject in a few months after I do my 9th Step with them.

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and here's to a great 1st week of May!

Annette