Monday, March 14, 2011

Growth

Write, something...get it out...don't let your brain get the best of you. I have so much on my mind, so much going on...yet I'm having a hard time getting it out...believe it or not I am (or was) pretty horrible at expressing myself...I normally just stuffed it, and call it acceptance. I am walking around these days with this underline feeling of anxiety. It is me growing, this sobriety has taught me. This I know. It's sorta like if you were to ask the dirt how it felt while it was getting plowed it would probably say "Pretty shitty" but the dirt knows that soon seeds will be planted and beautiful crops will grow. So even though I feel like dirt, it's okay with me because soon here I will grown into something wonderful. The coolest part about it all, about trusting God is I have no clue what I will become but I trust him enough that I don't care. So whether it be a tomato, cotton, or a flower I know it will be amazing.

At least that what I'm telling myself?!

4 comments:

  1. Em - keep growin sista...I think you will grow into a beautiful rose :)

    Saw a great inspirational movie with the fam yesterday. It's called The Grace Card and it's only in a limited # of theaters...it's about faith, grace, forgiveness and how they affect our lives in both positive and negative ways. It was a very thought provoking movie that shed a lotta lite on many things for me personally. I could see myself up on that screen in the part of the father that was carrying around a 17 year resentment - I could identify with his daily actions because of his resentment...it was the 1st time I could really see that part of me (my strong resentments) very clearly through his character. I never realized until yesterday how much those resentments have affected my daily life and interactions for so many years. Therefore, I brought the topic to tonite's meeting and it was "grace & forgiveness"...it was a powerful meeting for me tonite and many shared after the mtg that they could feel how deeply this subject was for me tonite (I actually almost cried, but held it in - I hate crying). I heard lots of good things from everyone and feel closer to forgiving myself "completely"....as one said, "God has forgiven you and he is the ultimate power, so what makes you better than him to not forgive yourself"....that made a lot of sense to me.

    I also read an incredible non-alcoholism related book today that so closely followed the steps...it was uncanny, yet a terrific, fast read....it's called The Traveler's Gift - I highly recommend it.

    Hope everyone is doing well and hope to hear from everyone - it seems like forever since we had lots of comments - I love hearing from everyone! :)

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  2. Hi Emily, Annette and others,

    First of all: What a beautiful picture Emily!

    I recognize these feelings of dirt inside you and that it has to come out in order to be yourself.
    It does feel like shit and I can let go because I am not that shit. I was confronted with a lot of negativity in my life and I had to realize that at a certain point I had became a bitter frustrated woman. A lonely female alcholic!
    I made a choice of not wanting to be like that.

    If I pity myself then I ony have to think at the people in Japan or in the Middle East.
    Life is and will be always bigger than me.
    The only thing I can do is to be as good to myself as I am to others. Yes, in that order. I am not a selfish person. I had to learn to be good to myself.

    Emily, this will pass and after this period of rebirthing you will be the powerful woman that you really are.
    I shall be very happy to follow your growth.

    Love & light to everyone.
    Have a great sober 24h!!!

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  3. Hi Everyone!!! Annette, I am going to check out that book. The movie sound interesting too.

    Emily, I understand your feelings right now. I feel like I am in the dirt right now. I know I have to get beyond this. I am just feeling sorry for myself, I am really missing my mother and I am having some problems with some family members not cooperating to do the right thing!!

    I can't wait to wake up and start to work my way out of the ground, out of the dirt and up towards the sun, hopefully growing into something stronger!!!

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  4. There is a Zen-story:
    The master asked the student: "Why are you asking me how to be free? Who is holding you?"

    Yesterdag I received a phonecall from a woman I met in AA six years ago. A couple of months we had more contact but the way she lived wasn't my way.
    After seconds I realized that she was drunk. I asked her several times if she was okay and she said that everything was fine. She talked about things from the past like it had happened yesterday. She was bitter and angry.
    For me it was like looking in a mirror how I have been.
    I tried to calm her down but that was didn't work and I ended the phonecall.
    I can only hope that she will ask for help.

    Yesterday I worked in my garden. Cutting trees so they can grow again. It feels like my own life, letting go of old behaviour to be able to grow.

    Doggielover: Lots of strenghts. It is always difficult when a parent dies and the family is acting out in order to hide their own unsolved issues towards the deceased.
    It will pass.

    Love & light to all of you and a good sober 24h.

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