Thursday, December 16, 2010

Drunk Dialing

During the last few years of my drinking all I really wanted to do was sit on the back patio and drink. If I couldn't find someone to drink with, I would drunk dial whoever would listen. I created mass drama via the telephone and woke up every morning with total fear and regret about who I called, or what I had said. Looking back, it was horrible, but at the time it seemed totally normal, it's just what I did. It took me months in sobriety to have a comfortable phone conversation (maybe it was God's way - shhhh, My child - you have talked enough:)

I am so grateful to wake up in the morning and not have to wonder who I called, or what I said.

My drunk dialing cycle looked something like this...

get drunk-drunk dial-pass out-wake up sad and scared about who I called and what I said-drink to feel better-drunk dial-passout- then wake up sad and scared about who I called and what I said-drink to feel better-drunk dial-passout-wake up feeling sad and scared about who I called and what I said....

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." -Albert Einstein

3 comments:

  1. OH BOY, did I drunk dial, it was awful!!!! I used to have to check my cell in the morning to see who I called, look at my email to see who I emailed, then check my text messages. UGH!! It was so much drama and so much work. Thank God I don't have to worry about that in the morning anymore. I wasted so much time with silly things. Now I can focus on the real important things in life, my sobriety, family, & friends. Being sober has given me that, and i don't feel so shameful anymore.

    But I was like you, I loved to sit outside and drink my vodka, by myself.

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  2. Yes, it is *very* common to drink and dial and I did more than my fair share of it. I used to call people I barely knew and I'm sure they wondered why I was calling. I was so lonely and felt very isolated and I guess it was my way of reaching out. I was never dramatic on the phone, in fact I went out of my way to try to act sober and coherent. Like all of you, I would wake up the next day in panic mode wondering who I called and what I said and going over and over the conversation regretting saying this or that. Then, I would be ashamed and feel such low self-esteem and so totally embarrassed. UGH - the whole thing was just ugly. I'm SO glad those days are over. I'm actually kind of "anti-phone" now and would much rather email!

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  3. I can totally relate. My dear friend Linda called it "black cord fever" (yes, some of us remember phones with cords).

    Let's not forget - don't drink and type. Another problem I had.

    By the end of my drinking, I would think "I need to hide the phone somewhere so I won't call anyone". Pretty scary way to live. And the morning after shame and fear of what I said? Especially since I normally had blackouts and could remember nothing of the night before.

    Thanks for the reminder, Emily - this is one of the things that I am truly grateful for today.

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