Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Today I was at work and I totally started crying. I could bullshit you and tell you the old standered line of I don't even know why, or blame it on PMS or something...but that would be bull. I know why...lots of different reasons really...I'm getting sick of sucking it up...I look on the brighter side of everything almost every day of my life...I am almost always in a state of gratitude...but today I feel weak, I feel like I have been being strong, so strong for like ever...and I'm tired...and lonely...and sad...

So today I'm just going to allow myself to be a crybaby.


  1. I used to think I had to be the perfect little AA Muffin and always be walking around with a contented smile on my face - no matter what.

    Sometimes life does hit hard. I'm going through some very similar situations that I am reading you are going through. I know the "tired" you are talking of. I just may hurt the next person that tells me how strong I am. lol

    I'm coming up on 7 years sober. It's been a rough few years. Very rough. Intense. Painful. Scary.

    I've learned it is okay to feel sad. It is okay to feel lonely. It is okay to feel tired. Those are all very valid feelings. It is what I do with them that matters.

    I just don't drink no matter much. That is what I am most grateful for.... the ability to not have to run to a drink to make things better.

    Above everything -- I am a human being with human feelings. Just because I feel them does not make me any less sober than any one else ;-)

  2. Hi Emily,
    Happened to me two weeks ago at my clinical placement for Nursing! Don't even know where it came from. Everyone was afraid to come near me cause I am "the tough one", but someone very smart and very awesome told me once that tears are God's antibiotics! Sometimes we need to surrender cause if I don't I will end up at the bottome of a bottle. So let it out girlfriend, it doesn't make you any less strong I think it makes you human!
    Take care and sending big hugs.

  3. Great advice ladies, Laura, I really like "tears are God's antibiotics"!!

    Emily be good to yourself and let it out, it really does help. Thinking of you!!

  4. I had a personal situation a couple weeks ago that three years ago would have led me to at least a 2 week drunk, then a month to get over it. I felt all the feelings you are feeling now. But I know you have financial problems that add to your sad feelings, which right now I don't have. As alcoholics our feelings are highly exagerated compared to a normal person. Situations that affect me deeply as an alcoholic, a normal person could just kind of brush it off. So if it makes you feel better (it does me, I didn't ask to be an alcoholic)admit you are not a normal person and your feelings are much stronger and deeper because you are an alcholic. It helps me deal with it. I know I don't handle things in a normal way because I'm an alcoholic, but it's still ok for me to feel these things deeply as an alcoholic. I just don't act on them and stop the pain with alcohol anymore, I have to deal with them and if crying helps - CRY. Believe me, as an alcoholic, I feel your pain, being sad and lonely - I have been there a lot of times myself. This too shall pass and tomorrow is always a new day, but you can start any day over anytime you choose. I know you will hang in there because we both know IT DOES GET BETTER. With all good wishes that it gets better really soon. Let us know please. I'm an Emily also.

  5. Emily,
    I haven't written to you before but I have wanted to and this post compelled me to share a bit with you. I found your blog as a link from another totally unrelated blog and clicked in because I liked the name. What I found in your words and your readers comments have truly help to change my life.
    I am an alcoholic, a daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, friend, etc of many alcoholics. I used to be able to control my drinking (or so I thought) or at least keep it to a couple of binges a year. But one day I woke up - with a headache and great remorse - and realized that it was no longer controllable. I was still drinking heavily, daily when I first read your words and I will admit that I was very jealous of you and your sobriety. I just didn't see how it was possible for me to get sober much less stay sober. I wish I could say that I found the inner strength to just say, "No more." But it was actually dental work and a round of harsh antibiotics that forced me to put the bottle down. Seriously. Antibiotics. But I was able to stay sober for that 11 days and looked at them as a gift and a chance. Mine to embrace or squander. I have a little over 9 months of sobriety under my belt now (and thanks, too, for your little calculator at the right over there. It, too, has become my friend.)
    There have been some very tough days - our house flooded during a freak weather episode in May and I spent all summer with a series of contractors; this economy blows and my husband's business has taken a toll which has forced us to re-evaluate our spending habits; my mother lives with us and continues to drive me batty - but through it all I have stayed sober.
    I have lots of very sad days, I think, partly because my emotions are so raw after being drowned out for years and partly because I am just an over-sensitive person. I have found a strength that I didn't remember having. I notice details around me again. And oddly enough, my handwriting looks a lot better!
    I look forward to your wit and wisdom every single day. May God continue to bless you and give you the courage to lay it all out on the internet for complete strangers to find and find comfort and encouragement in your insight.
    And p.s. I think it is perfectly okay to be sad occasionally. It sure is better than being numb for me.

  6. Ellen, it was so nice to read your post. Thank you!! It's nice to see some new perspectives!!!