Friday, December 31, 2010

Be Still

I am having a hard time being still with myself today. I can feel myself looking outside of me to solve my problems and feel better...I spent year looking to fix my problems that way, and know dang good and well it doesn't work...Boys, food, shopping (well thinking about shopping) instead of just being still with what I'm feeling.

I ran away from my feelings with alcohol for so long that it really bothers me when I see myself picking up other things to get out of myself. I guess it comes down to the old trying to get away from my feelings deal...-again!-

The saying that comes to mind is "Be still, and know that I am God."

Dear Lord,
Help me to walk through, and embrace my feelings with grace and courage.
I love you,
Emily

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Hannah



I have very little to say today, so I think I'll let my darling assistant start her writing career.

hannah
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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

CRANKY

I am a total cranky ass today. I feel crabby to my core. It could be that I went to the doctor today and I weigh more than I have since I was pregnant. That does not make me happy. I know that I should be a bit easy on myself, as I did quit smoking this year. But still it sucks, and worse of all I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I guess that's what New Year resolutions are for.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A Book Tour




I am on a cyber book tour. What is that? I'm not quite sure except that I got to read an amazing book and write about it. I feel honored to have been asked.

I'm going to tell the truth here, cause this is my blog, and that's what I do. When the book first got here I was like "Holy Heck that's a long book, and where in the hell am I going to have the time to read it?"

The book is called The Wisdom to know the Difference, by Eileen Flanagan. This book is filled with an interesting collection of stories, theory's, and the authors unique perception. I really enjoyed the exercises and queries throughout the book. I enjoyed it, I really did, but it was a tiny bit book wordier than my liking, but if you've read this entire blog you know that's not saying much...

Would I recommend The Wisdom to know the Difference? Yes, and soon you will be able to find it on my bookshelf.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Thank You

Thank you...sometimes thank you is enough said.

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

If it weren't Sunday this post would be named ...holiday hang-over... which is what I have. The highs and lows I went through this holiday were tuff. And on top of that I ate everything in sight with sugar in it. I am a emotionally and physically hung-over Emily.

Also, I haven't been to a meeting in days. But you know what I didn't take a drink. In fact I didn't really even think about drinking (okay that's a lie...a bottle of vodka sitting out at a holiday party I went to did bugged...which had I been to a meeting probably wouldn't of) but besides that I was free of the obsessed of alcohol.

As we get ready to go into the New Year, I have a lot on my mind, a lot I want to work on. But I'm excited about it, excited what the New Year will bring. I'm hoping a hot new boyfriend...cause not having one this year was DEPRESSING!

Now it is meeting times, where I hope to regain some of my sanity lost during this lovley holiday season. xoxo

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Fabulous Friends

My friend Karri (the darling single girl in the photo above) had an open house today. There are so many transplants in Arizona many of us don't have much family here, if any...s0 it was wonderful to have a fun place to go and eat, and laugh, and love! Thanks Karri!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas

Bah-hum-bug!....I was fully okay with skipping the entire deal all together...until it showed up, and kept showing up...as to say "You're celebrating me, like it or not."

Don't get me wrong I love Jesus. BIG FAN! But I feel that I celebrate him every day...he is my light, and he knows that, and I don't think he wants anything from me for his Birthday other than to be kind...and he would like me to do that all year, not just in December.

I never feel that I 'do' Christmas well enough, there's always this feeling of underline feeling of failure, like I've disappointed everyone.

And top of that I'm a bit sad about not having a somebod special... I know this isn't very positive, but 3 days and the damn deals over...which makes me :)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

What it was like....

It's so weird to think about what it was like. I was a mess. An angry, opinionated, know it all...I told everyone how to run their life as mine was falling apart.

I spent most of my time getting hammered in the local dive bars, then driving home drunk out of my mind, to pass out out, and quite often peeing my pants...classy I tell ya.

In the finally years of my drinking I took every diagnose under the sun...depression, bi-polar, whatever...but an alcoholic...heck no...admitting that would have meant I had to quit drinking...Um I think not!

I knew, and I think they knew too. But what do you do when the person won't admit it? No doctor, friend, or family member could have convinced me that I was an alcoholic...I had to come to believe that on my own. I believe everyone does.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Pile Up

I have once again let my emotions pile up. I am the queen of "stuffing it" When I do that the emotions all come out later, sideways...I still have not talked to my sponsor about {namewithheld} being engaged...like that one didn't leave me sad, angry, resentful and feeling totally rejected. Instead of dealing with my feelings, they all came out sideways by me feeling reject by a guy I don't even know, and doesn't even know me. Damn-it...I'm such a pain.

So today I will be doing some work on my feelings...feelings, feelings, feelings...BLAH!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Dating

Come to find out dating is a little hard on the old self-esteem. Even though I try to follow the agreement... -Don't take anything personally-... It's a little hard not to take it personally when they don't call. But whatever!

Every time I go on a date I run back to the "I'm not ready to date" place. Last time I shared this with my sponsor she said "You know how you get ready to date? By dating." Well I did, and now I feel rejected. Dating sucks!

I know husbands can also be a pain in the ass. But if you have one give him a hug...and remember at least your not out there trying to date...hahahaha

Change....

not a big fan. I am a total creature of habit. Which I think is why drinking on the patio night after after night, after night was my thing. I fall into bad habits in an insta second. And in the case of alcohol that habit became an addiction. In my life today I have be really careful not to pick up new bad habits. (food, shopping, men...so on:)

Now more about change...change is actually the only way to grow. So as much as I dislike the discomfort of change, I try very hard to embrace it. Sometimes walking through it goes against every grain of my being, but I do it because it has been proven to me time and time again that when I do walk through pain and change what is one the other side is well worth it.

On my things to be changed agenda: NOT eating to feel better...

What's on yours?

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

I get asked a lot -Where or how do you even start?- I don't have any big wise words to answer that, expect to say you start with making a decision. A decision to actually look at and admit that alcohol is effecting your life in a negative way. That's were the denial system starts to get broken down. I guess if I had to call it something I would call it step 0.

If that's where you are (stuck in that place where you know you have a problem, but are scared and not quite sure how to go about changing it) know that there is a solution, you are not alone, and when your ready ask for help.

I'm going to talk about the stage before my journey in recovery a lot for the rest of the month, I would love if you guys could share about your experience with your final stage of drinking...your bottom or whatever along with me.

Happy Sunday! XO

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Crazy Busy, Happy Life

Is not an excuse not to go to a meetings. I haven't been to one in 4
days. I know better, I really do. As my life starts to get fuller it
is super, super important that I put God and my recovery program
first. I've heard plenty o times that whatever you put before recovery
you'll lose...so tomorrow I'm off to a meeting!!!

Dear Lord,
Thank you for the blessings in my life. Help me to stay balanced.
I love you,
Emily

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, December 17, 2010

It is Perfect

When my boys were young Christmas was all about -perfect- The perfect tree, the perfect presents, the perfect family. I went as far as making them wait until I brushed their hair Christmas morning before they could open their presents. Perfect, perfect, perfect.

Sobriety has taught me that it is perfect, it is perfect just they way it is. This year especially. We have no money, and I hear the recession has even hit the North Pole...but we are making the best of it.

Gavin and I went shopping, are decorating the Christmas tree, then heading to the Winter Wonderland in our neighborhood. See perfect!

Heart-Hugs

This is from my dear friend Sara's book -Heart-Hugs- She is a amazing inspirational person, and it is a wonderfully inspirational book. I am proud to know her.

Heart-Hug #4
I am Whole and Complete just the way I am.
Nothing from the outer worlds is needed to complete you; that is only a illusion of an ego-centered mind.
-You are so much more than this part of your mind will ever allow you to be.
You have a past, you are not your past. Whatever you experienced in your life that caused you to fell deficient or unworthy can also be seen as a gift for healing; it is always about your perception.
-You are free in this moment to see through fresh eyes and reconnect to your wholeness.
That is just a tiny piece of her inspirational book. I read a heart hug a day! Look for Sara's book soon on my safari book shelf!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Dear Lord,

Please guide this blog. Help us to be kind and good to each other. May it grow into and become what ever you mean it to be.
I love you,
Emily

Happy 2 years to Mommaof3!!!

Sent from my iPhone

Drunk Dialing

During the last few years of my drinking all I really wanted to do was sit on the back patio and drink. If I couldn't find someone to drink with, I would drunk dial whoever would listen. I created mass drama via the telephone and woke up every morning with total fear and regret about who I called, or what I had said. Looking back, it was horrible, but at the time it seemed totally normal, it's just what I did. It took me months in sobriety to have a comfortable phone conversation (maybe it was God's way - shhhh, My child - you have talked enough:)

I am so grateful to wake up in the morning and not have to wonder who I called, or what I said.

My drunk dialing cycle looked something like this...

get drunk-drunk dial-pass out-wake up sad and scared about who I called and what I said-drink to feel better-drunk dial-passout- then wake up sad and scared about who I called and what I said-drink to feel better-drunk dial-passout-wake up feeling sad and scared about who I called and what I said....

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." -Albert Einstein

Holidays

The holidays can hard, really hard. Hang on tight guys....Let's work over-time on loving and supporting each other. That's what it's all about.

I heard a great holiday hint the other day and wanted to share it with you....

If you go out to a holiday party decide what you're going to order to drink before you go...way less chances of slipping up that way.

I also always make sure I have the ability to leave whenever I need to. Sometimes I can hang all night, sometimes only for an hour. But when it's time to go I need to go.

What are you favorite holiday hints?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Drama

Being excited about something sort of scares me. It reminds me of the days when sick excitement is what I lived for...other wise known as drama. I seemed to enjoy it so much during my drinking days that when it wasn't around I was sure to create it. I was a drunk dialing, bar hoping, drama queen.

I'm not anymore. In fact I hate to say this, but these days I'm a little bit boring. And avoid drama like the plague. It does nothing for me anymore.

I'm sorta excited about something right now, really excited actually and it scared me today. So I called a friend and talked about it...come to find out it is okay to be excited about things as long as your still in reality:) Thank goodness for good friends!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Happy

I am so happy that I am scared to even talk about it, scared it might slip away. Selfish I guess. My life is far from perfect, but in spite of that I am content and at peace, and as others have pointed out obnoxiously happy. It is flipping great. And I am going to ride it out as long as I possible can.

It happens guys, I promise.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Pray

"courage is just fear thats said its prayers"

Sent from my iPhone

Love

"If you put out nothing but kindness and love you will get back kindness and love, and if you don't you won't care"

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

This was the best, craziest weekend I've had in like ever! I went to dinner at the mall with the crew on Friday, worked at out local tree lighting festival last night, and hung with Beau today. It was an all around great weekend! Tiring, but great!! I am happier than I have been in a very long time. It is nice.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Friday, December 10, 2010

Letting it all out

Okay I've been holding in lot in...and I mean a lot! And it's not good for me. I don't share everything on here in order to protect others. Just because I choose to put my life out on there world-wide web doesn't mean they do. But I need to get some of it out...

My teenager snuck out the other night. One more thing crossed off on my list of things my kid will never do. I didn't stocker call him, or freak out, I just went back to sleep in his bed. That's what he came home to, I'm thinking he'll probably never forget it. To say the least he is grounded, but I almost think going to sneak back through your window to find your Mom in your bed is punishment enough.

'Oh and I found out my x-boyfriend is engaged...RAD! As much as I want to be happy for him, I'm not, at least not yet.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Easy Does It

I'm really tired these days. I don't know if I'm starting to get sick, or if it's the stress of the holidays, or possibly the fun of raising a teenager. I don't know, but I do know I'm tired. Which for me if ignored can be dangerous. I need to remember to H.A.L.T and ask myself am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? If I ignore anyone of those things I normally have a melt down, and my old behavior comes rolling back, I turn out needing to make amends all over the place, and eventually the desire to drink comes back. Not pretty!

So today I am going to baby myself, eat really well, and possibly take a nap. Easy does it, everyone, easy does it!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Balance

I'm having a really hard time finding mine. The housework, sobriety, working, the kids. I'm doing all of it, but I don't feel like I'm doing any of it well. Part of that may be that I never feel like I am doing anything good enough...but the other part is actually my lack of balance.

I will pray for balance. And in the mean time I will worry less about what is not getting done and more about the fact that I lay my head on the pillow every night sober, and happy!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Taking it well

Last night my teenager {information withheld) and this morning I woke up to a dead battery. I refuse to let my day be ruined.

I am going to do the computer work that I need to do...try to find someone to jump my battery...pray that I don't need a new one...and be thankful that today I can walk through whatever is handed to me sober and without freaking out.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

I'm a little off today. Don't know why. It happens I guess.

I am going to my Sunday meeting, which I love! The group of women there is amazing! I am finding that I am working very hard on my sobriety these days. As more is being added to my life I am figuring out that my sobriety must come first. For without it there is no life. I have a friend who always says that whatever you put before sobriety you'll lose. I'm not really up to losing anything so sobriety it is.

This week along with staying focused on my sobriety, I am also going to be working on my family. We haven't been eating dinner together, or having family night. I'm over having to do it ever night, but a few times a week is important -really important- So this week we'll be getting back on track with that.

How is everyone doing?

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Relearning-Everything

I truly am. This brand new life I have been blessed with is amazing. I am so happy. The fact that I am getting to relearn everything is something I'm trying to embrace. Something I'm trying not to be super scared of. I am growing up...better late that never:)

I have learned so much in the last month. So much that I haven't quite processed it yet. When I do, you guys will be the first to know.

'Oh and talk about things to process... today at work we had physics, a palm reader, and a toe reader...not to worry everyone great things are to come...I am going to meet the love of my life while dating someone else, be married by the time I'm 39, move to LA, and possibly have another baby...I added in that I'm also going to be on Oprah...there not the only psychics in town...hahahahah...

Dear Lord,

Help us to do the things we should. To be to others kind and good. In all our work and all our play to grow more loving everyday. Amen

Friday, December 3, 2010

Helping Another Alcoholic

It's amazing to me how willing to help I am. It's like when that call comes in nothing else matters. I will do anything to help another alcoholic. I do this so willingly because someone did it for me. They didn't pause or hesitate, they just helped me and loved me. It was amazing. And I see it as my job forever more to give that kindness and love back. It is my primary purpose in life.

And every time I go to forget the phone seems to ring with needing help. For that I am grateful.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Asking for what I'm worth

Asking for what I'm worth is not easy for me. I don't know why. But I'm thinking the reason isn't pretty. Something like thinking I'm not worthy of anything. Which is crap, I know it's crap, but still it's there. That fear of asking for what I deserve. I hate that word... deserve.

I'm struggling with finances, always struggling with finances. When I meditate about it what comes to me is that if I don't ask for what I'm worth, I'm going to keep on getting what I'm getting.

This is the only thing I know to do..........

Dear Lord,
I give to you my financial fear. Please replace with financial abundance. I am tired of being scared. Please lift it. I give it to you Lord Jesus Christ.
I love you,
Emily

Hearing what you need too...

Yesterday I heard someone say "Do today what is going to make you feel good tomorrow." Holy Crap what a concept. Hearing that changed me, I'm not sure how yet, but it did!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Crybaby

Today I was at work and I totally started crying. I could bullshit you and tell you the old standered line of I don't even know why, or blame it on PMS or something...but that would be bull. I know why...lots of different reasons really...I'm getting sick of sucking it up...I look on the brighter side of everything almost every day of my life...I am almost always in a state of gratitude...but today I feel weak, I feel like I have been being strong, so strong for like ever...and I'm tired...and lonely...and sad...

So today I'm just going to allow myself to be a crybaby.