Saturday, October 16, 2010

Have I done everything?

Depression can be a tricky thing. It is sometimes almost impossible to do the things you know will make you feel better -like getting off the couch-

Depression seem to occur a lot to people in recovery. We all know I'm not a scientist, but my guess why this happens is that we spent years self medicating. We numbed our emotions, and feeling, and really the truth about us, and the world for so long that seeing it and feeling in its full, sometimes crappy glory can suck. Leading to depression, or one heck of a funk.

I've had to get really honest with myself lately, and ask myself "Have I done everything I can?" The answer is not really. I have been eating like crap, and not exercising at all. Two things I know a will make me feel better.

So today I took a walk with a friend. One small step in the right direction!


  1. This really sucks!!!!!I have spent so many years self-medicating to numb myself that now that I am so ever present I say "how the hell did I let this happen!" I am in a marriage that has no substance because we were at our best when we drank ourselves to oblivion. Keep trying to keep faith that there has to be other reasons we are together but nope nothing. He stil drinks and it irritates the hell out of me because he is more happy to see a bottle of beer than me. What the hell am I doing and how did I let myself get here.I feel absolutely trapped. The worst part took my three kids for the ride. not sure what to do. Staying sober through it and trying to make it up to my kids. Those are years I can never give back to them. Reality sucks!!! Just have to work through this sorry for venting.In a funk too. Love being sober and am stronger than ever that way and my kids and I are closer than ever. Pretty pissed at myself though. Think I need to go for a run or something. Hope everyone is well.

  2. To Laura,
    maybe it is time to consider a trial separation. I am not an
    advocate of divorce but, it sounds like you are drowning
    in your current circumstances. I don't know what your housing
    situation is or your job/financial situation. Is there anyone,
    family, friend that you and your kids could stay with for awhile? Or, can your husband move in with someone while he
    tries to get well? Or, maybe he doesn't want to get well and
    you need to be apart until that happens. I do know that
    your sobriety is at risk while in this situation. And please, stop beating yourself up, it's clear your kids love you and I'm sure are loving that you are sober! It will get better, and you will need to make some changes to make it get better.
    Please consider living in different places until your husband makes the choice to get well. Love to you.

  3. Thanks for the advice! I know things will get better, it is just an adjustment when your sober. Relationships that you thought were important before aren't anymore. Everyone keeps saying I am avoiding people and acivities I use to do because I feel I can't "handle" the sitution.Almost all of these included alcohol. The truth is, that is the only reason I hung out or participated in alot of these activities was because of the alcohol. I am just finding in some situations you take the alcohol out of it there is nothing, cause it wasn't based on anything substantial except the drinking. 25 years of this can leave a person pretty lonely, but I am finding that the people in my life now have been here longer than 25 years and we have a stronger relationship, cause it is based on real feelings and moments in our lives. And new friendships are genuine and honest. My ten year marriage has had so much turmoil from either side that when that is gone not sure what to do. We have come a long way but we just aren't very compatible right now. Finances suck because I have none. Going to nursing school to do better for myself and kids. I have six months left. It is a big step to leave someone again(yes this is my second marriage). Need to know that I and my kids are strong enough to handle it. I have put them through enough chaos in their lives. Just feeling a little frustrated that is all. Ever have those days you want to scream at the top of your lungs! I just may go back to the bush and do it!!!Thanks for letting me vent,( guess you didn't have much of a choice)!!Please what ever you do, do not think for one minute I think I would be better of drinking again!!!Just hard to come to terms with my feelings and emotions when they have been stuffed down with a bottle for so many years.It is like when your hand or foot falls asleep it is a little painful at first but eventually it feels better and the pain is gone.Take care.

  4. emily i feel you on the depression, been there felt that, on my 3rd try @ rehab 6 yrs ago i heard something that opened my eyes and my ears, and i remember it daily...most alcoholics, i dont like to generalize but in my experience as well as clinical research (i can cite it for you) FEEL too much, empathize, internalize and analyze our own, others and even the state of the world too much; thus causing us to begin to shut out these feelings at an early age. in most cases alcoholics are the kindest, most compassionate people you will meet,because of there ability to FEEL, we just have to learn to regulate what we have any control over and give the rest away...

  5. Anonymous - Your comments about FEEL describe me. Have been an alcoholic since my early twenties. Have always felt "different" in the ways I thought and handled things. Have been divorced 4 times and been single for 20 years. It's obvious I don't handle relationships well. I have always felt I had a duel-personality. One sober and one drunk. But now that I've been sober for about 3 years I still have that same feeling. My mood swings are drastic at times. I have been taking anxiety medication for years and without it I don't know how I could cope. I haven't learned to regulate my feelings very well. When I get into the depression mode it stays with me a few days and when it goes away I feel like a totally different person. The way I treat people goes along with my moods unfortunately. I have been seeing a man for 19 years and he knows me and backs off when he sees me turn into a different person but thank God he cares enough for me he comes back and is there when I need him. My feeling is I can never marry again and subject anyone else to this and I know he isn't willing to go along with my moods under the same roof. I told my sister just yesterday that alcoholics are just different from normal people, their internal makeup is just different. Thank you for saying this in terms that I can fully understand.