Sunday, October 31, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

Happy Halloween! Sorry I'm posting so late, but Internet around here is still off and I'm use to writing as the feelings come. I'm very grateful that I have a phone to post from, but txting out a post is.... Challenging!

I had a wonderful Halloween. I went over to a special friends house that lives on my old street. She gives out the best candy in the hood so even my own kid stopped by:) He was -thing 2- ...very cute...

Holidays are such a time of reflection for me. Thinking back to where I was last year, and where I am today is amazing. What I have walked through, and how much I have grown humbles me.

As I lay my head down tonight, I will filled with thoughts of gratitude!


Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Farmers Market

Today I worked all day at our local farmers market. It so so much fun. I totally want to tell you guys all about, but if I was any more tired I would pass out right here on my computer.

I did want share a "moment" I had. I had that moment when I realized how much I miss having a 'somebody.'All day I watched couples...holding hands, sharing, loving each other, and I missed having that. I find it to be a great thing, after my broken heart in sobriety I wasn't sure if I'd ever want that again. Now I'm thinking maybe, just maybe I'm ready for somebody.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Questions

Okay, I'm going to be on the computer for most of the day, and I can't think of anything to write about so lets do this...ask me a question...and I'll tell you no lies...any question...something about my sobriety....my program (yes, I'll go there!) or just something you've wanted to know about me...nothings off limits............okay, some stuff, but ask away!

Hitting my knees

I went from my bed...the couch actually, to my knees. I woke up this
morning in fear, and resentment. No fun.

But I am grateful today that I know what to do. I prayed, give it to
God, and restarted my day.

Hope everyone has a happy Friday!

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Hitting my knees

I actually did it a few hours ago, but whatever:) Praying really does
make it better!

Sent from my iPhone

Good Morning

Good Morning. Today try to remember that you are a beautiful, amazing,
child of God. You are perfect just the way you are right at this
second. When your mind tells you otherwise I want you to breath in
with God and out with self. You are VERY loved! Xo, em

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Hitting my Knees....

As I was saying my morning prayers it dawned on me how infrequently I get on my knees these day. Sad really. I spend my entire first year on my knees. I dropped in surrendered all the time. I was in so much pain, and I didn't know what else to do. Not that I have forgotten where my life and sobriety come from, not at all. I really have no excuse, I know it works. I know I feel better the more I hit my knees...I just seemed to have gotten out of the habit.

I'm thinking others have also. So lets work on it together. Every morning that I remember to pray I will add a -hitting my knees- post. Feel free to remind me if I forget.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Faith-Fear-Faith-Fear

Nobody ever promised that life would be easy, but knowing that it is all really out of my control, and being taken care of by a power so much bigger, and so much greater than I could ever imagine is amazing. God has this life of mine handled...if I let him...but sometimes it looks like this:

fear-faith-fear-faith-fear...it makes for a tiring day. Today I am going to try and stay in faith, to not flinch, and to let God do his job, while I do mine. He really doesn't need my help.

I hope everyone is having a WONDERFUL day!!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Hiding Out

I guess the true word for what I'm doing these days is isolating. I
don't feel like talking on the phone, or going anywhere. Which for
this alcoholic is dangerous! Alcoholism is a disease that when were
are lonely tells us we want to be alone. Crazy right!?

Gavin was sick today so I didn't get a chance to go into work, and
even though Gav and I had a great day, I still need a meeting. My sick
brain tries to tell me "No, you are okay, you can miss a night." Um,
maybe one day I can, but today's not that day.

Off to a meeting.

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

What to write about? I don't know. What if we talk about feelings, I know, I know the very thing that we had been running away from.

I have found that when we talk about things, I mean really talk about them, that they lose their power.

So feelings it is. Last night I was reflecting on the last year, God, talk about feelings. A move, a break-up, not smoking...feelings, feelings, feelings. Some of them I wasn't sure I could bear. The move made me feel scared and lost, and acutely aware of my emotional attachment to stuff. The break-up made me feel that my heart had been ripped out of my chest, and the non-smoking thing...hard! I craved smoking so badly that I could feel it in my soul.

But I got through it without drinking, or being institutionalized (which is a part of my story) I walked through it (I still am). I always say that sobriety is not always easy, but it is always worth it. I free today, alcohol does not consume my every thought.

There are days that the fear of my disease keeps me sober. I believe without a doubt that it always gets worse, never better if I go back out. I almost lost everything that meant anything to me, and I am just not willing to go there, not ever again.

I <3 you guys! How are you doing?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Being a single

I am blogging from the fall festival (the one I chaired last year). So
much has changed in my life, so much. Tonight I feel a little bit
lonley, and a whole lot single. I've taken the position of official
hold your stuff girl. Which is just fine with me!

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, October 22, 2010

A memo from God

QUIT WORRYING: Life has dealt you a blow and all you can do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten I am here to take all of your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

PUT IT ON MY LIST: Something needs to be done and taken care of. Put it on my list. No, not your list: put it on my to-do list. Let me be the one to take care of your problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to me. And although my to-do list is long, I am after all...God. I can take care of anything you put in my hands. In fact, if truth be known I can take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realized.

TRUST ME: Once you've given your burdens to me, quit trying to take them back! Trust me. Have faith that I will take care of all your needs. Your problems are your trials. Problems with the kids? Put it on my list. Problems with finances? Put it on my list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

LEAVE IT ALONE: Don't wake up one morning and say "Well, I'm feeling much stronger. I think I can handle it from here." It's simple. You gave me your burdens, and I am taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in peace. Please let me.

TALK TO ME: I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what is making you crazy. Forget the wrong and the fretting, because you know I am in control. But there's one thing I hope you never forget, don't forget to talk to me. I love you! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include me in on the things that go on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your family and friends. Prayer is just having a conversation with me. I want to be your dearest friend.

HAVE FAITH: I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from there. Trust me: you don't want the view from my eyes. I will continue to take care of you, take care of your needs, and watch over you. You only have to trust me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems you have trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can it be? Turn it over, give it to me, and trust that I will take care of it...because I will.

SHARE: You were taught to share when you were 2 years old, don't forget. The same rules still apply. Share will those who are less fortunate. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. I bless you everyday with things to share. Please share them, it is important.

BE PATIENT: I manage to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. Please don't be impatient when it takes me a bit longer than you think it should take to tend to your problems. Trust in my timing, for it is perfect. Just because I created the universe in 6 days everyone thinks I should be in a rush, rush, rush.

BE KIND: Be kind to others, for I love them as much as I lover you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or act the same way you do, but still I love you all. Please try to get along, for my sake. I created you all differently in some way, it would be boring if you were all the same.

LOVE YOURSELF: As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only- to be loved, and to give love in return. I am a God of love. Love your neighbor. But, also love yourself . It makes my heart break to see you be angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. I love you. Please don't ever forget that!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Great Day

Today is turning out to be a great day. Everythings just kind of falling in place. I am taking a lot of deep breaths and trying to enjoy it.

Tonight is the big Sober Happy Hour that I planned. I hope it is a hit, but one of the many things that sobriety had taught me is to be thankful and grateful for what it is at that given moment. I planned it, and pitched, and I know at least some people will be coming. See already success!

I totally want to see this event get super huge and make buzzberry the place to be in sobriety. But that will take time, so I will be patient.

I will post pictures and let you all know how it goes!

A New Day

"Today is a new day. I will not dwell on the worries of yesterday, I refuse to bring them into today." -emilyism

Today I am going to remember to be grateful that I am sober. I can get through this, no matter what it 'feels' like, no matter how hard it is....because I am sober, have God, and a whole heap of courage.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I'm up

Okay, up and off the couch. Drinking my morning tea at noon, but
atleast I'm up.

Is it a full moon or something?

Sent from my iPhone

Holy Funk

Okay could someone come over and make me get off the couch..,it's
UGLY. It would be one thing if it felt good, and sounded like this
"just rest, take the day to take it easy." but it doesn't it feels
horrible, and sounds something like this "you can't pay your bills,
your screwed, There is no way I'm asking for help, get up, what is
wrong with you.?"

After this post I'm going to try to make myself, I'll let you know how
it goes.

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A Mailing Address

Many of you have suggested that I get a mailing address. I have been slow to do this, one because I can't afford a P.O box, and two because I had an "incident" happen awhile back that scared me. A letter came to my home from the men's state prison. It shook me up, and made me feel really unsafe. Had it came from the women's prison I probably would have answered it, but it didn't, and it scared me.

I put my life on the Internet, I email and get to know my readers, I tell as much as I can. Sharing my life with you is my honor. But that letter taught me a few things, like getting letters from strange men to my home FREAKS me out! And that it might be time to protect myself a bit.

So I'm meeting in the middle...my new mailing address is.....

Buzzberry
c/o Emilyism
5959 n. Granite Reef
Scottsdale, Az. 85250

So, if you've wanted to tell me something, or send me something, and online just isn't your thing now you can reach me by mail. I am so excited to hear from you!

Good Morning God,

You are ushering in a new day, untouched and freshly new, so here I come to ask you God if you'll renew me too?

Forgive the many errors, that I made yesterday, and let me try again dear God, to walk closer to thy way.

But Father, I am well aware I can't make it on my own. So take my hand and hold it tight for I can't walk alone. Amen

Monday, October 18, 2010

Cherish the Freedom

Yesterday I figured out how truly free I am. A friend needed me, and without pausing, or hesitating, I was there for her. I wasn't in a rush, I wasn't thinking about alcohol, I didn't have anywhere else to be, but there, for her.

It may sound like no big deal to some, but to this once self-fish, self-centered alcoholic...It was amazing.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Have I done everything?

Depression can be a tricky thing. It is sometimes almost impossible to do the things you know will make you feel better -like getting off the couch-

Depression seem to occur a lot to people in recovery. We all know I'm not a scientist, but my guess why this happens is that we spent years self medicating. We numbed our emotions, and feeling, and really the truth about us, and the world for so long that seeing it and feeling in its full, sometimes crappy glory can suck. Leading to depression, or one heck of a funk.

I've had to get really honest with myself lately, and ask myself "Have I done everything I can?" The answer is not really. I have been eating like crap, and not exercising at all. Two things I know a will make me feel better.

So today I took a walk with a friend. One small step in the right direction!

Friday, October 15, 2010

I believe in...

I believe in love. Take your breath away, butterflies in your stomach, amazing, gentle, exciting, patient love. I believe in it because I've seen it. And when the time is right, and it is blessed by God, I want it. Just thought I'd put that out there. -Emily

I've learned...

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

Today

Today I am trying to hold it together.
Today I am trying to be grateful for the many blessings in my life.
Today I feel a bit weepy and a little sad.
Today I am humbled in the fact that drinking actually sounds like a stupid idea. Today I am going to work-out, even if it's only for 10 minutes
Today something amazing could happen and all my financial insecurities could fade away.
Today I am going to be the best me I can possibly be.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Fall Break

This week was Fall Break. Yup, that's right, Fall Break. They just started school and already a break. It's been a long week. My house is a disaster, I'm exausted, and ready for it to be over. But all in all we had a pretty good week. It was nice to spend special time with them, but I still think Fall Break is a bit silly. Glad it's over:)

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Phoenix Rock Gym




We had such a blast climbing at the Phoenix Rock Gym. Gavin is a total little monkey man, and had been asking for like ever to go climbing. The Phoenix Rock Gym is amazing all the way around, especially in that it has ever level of walls to climb. Loved it! When we got there I wasn't so sure I'd be climbing, but I did, and I loved it!! I even made it to the top! It's so cool to try new things in sobriety.

Beau and I were chatting, and I said "I think this is what sober people do for their rush instead of drinking and drugging." He said "I think people that drink and drug do it too Mom." I shared with him that maybe they do, most mostly they think about doing it. and talk about doing it. I was always talking about doing great things, but never had it together enough to actually show up. I am glad I can show up for the things I talk about today.

We had a marvelous time. Thank you Phoenix Rock Gym for having us!!

Off to the Rock Gym...

The Day my Blog took my Breath Away

Writing the post "Venting" was hard for me. But I knew I had to get it out there. You don't just sugar coat what's going on, when writing about what's going on is what you do. So I wrote, I put it out there, even though I didn't really want to. And before I could turn around there were 8 comments of love and support. It took my breath away. This blog has done that many times. But that day I really need it too, and it did. It is my honor to share my life with you. It is not always easy, but it is always an honor.Thank you.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Blogging from Buzzberry

So this no internet at home thing is working out. Yesterday I blogged from the pool, today from Buzzberry. I'm pretty sure that it's God doing for me what I can't do for myself. The fact the Internet went off and a computer (a laptop that has wireless) was donated in the same day is just to much of a God shot to ignore. I needed to get out of the house -badly-

I feel really weak, and like crying these days. Mixed tears of pain and joy...-it's weird- I pray for courage and strength to get through this.

I have already been to two meetings today. Depressed or not first and for most I AM AN ALCOHOLIC and if I forget that, I will lose everything God and I have worked so hard to build.

My foundation in strong. I know what to do. I am grateful.

I am also grateful for the super fun event at my work tonight. If you live in town please, please, please come join us from 4-7....Great happy hour menu, great people, great fun!!

Gratitude

I am staying in gratitude today. It is actually turning out to be really easy as the last 24 hours has been God shot after God shot. Here are some examples...I am blogging from a new computer, I went to a meeting yesterday...I knew I had enough gas to make it there, but wasn't sure I had enough to make it back, a friend slipped some cash in my pocket, I look at her with a ?, and she said "God put you on my heart today."

I am blessed, beyond belief. I'm still feeling pretty down, but as hopeful as hopeful can get.

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Distance

The distance between where I am, and where I want to be is so far in
between... I will just close my eyes and leap.

Sent from my iPhone

Off Line

I am off line at home right now (nice way of saying I couldn't pay my cable bill) but God had a bigger plan for me than me sitting in the
house depressed about it...

Gav asked if we could go in the hot tub. While we were out there I thought I bet I can get on-line out here. Sure as heck I could. Mmmm...I guess I will have to work from outside by the pool today.

Thank you guys for your loving and supportive words. xoxo

Sent from my iPhone

Manic Monday

Get up...go to the doctor...try to explain that even though I brush my hair and speak in complete sentences that I am depressed...and need help...talk back and forth about how I can't take anything addictive, and am very sensitive to anti-depressants, and changes in medication...try not to get angry that even though I am doing EVERYTHING I can to stay healthy, I still seem to get depressed. I am tired this morning. I feel that I am fighting this part of my battle alone, I know I am not, but it feels that way.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Venting

Excuse me while I vent..... I have been having a very hard time, and kind of sugar coating it on here. I guess I do that because I want this blog to be a positive place regardless of how I feel. But you know what I feel like CRAP, like I'm crawling out of my f#$%ing skin. It has been months since I have felt right, months, and I am sick of it!

It makes me feel bad venting on here, like after 3 year I should be in some better place. But, you know what, I am where I am. I did not build this blog to feed you all a bunch of bull about how easy sobriety is. I built it to share about my real experiences, and for you to be able to share about yours. Okay, I'm done.

This I do know.... "Sobriey is not always easy, but it is always worth it." (tm)

Sobriety Sunday

I'm in a funk today. You know when you don't want to get out of bed,
and you instead lay there letting your brain attack you...ya, I'm
having that kind of day, well I was...then I got up, took a shower,
and am getting ready to take Gav to the grocery store.

I just feel yuck, like I've been trying to be strong for to long. It's
starting to get to me. But I have learned to keep on keeping on, cause
just laying there makes it nothing but WAY worse.

So off I go, sober, and with as little self-pity as possible, to enjoy
this day ahead!

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, October 8, 2010

Trudging

Trudging...I am doing what's right in front of me, despite how I feel, despite my fear of failing...I just keep on going...It is all going to fall into place...it always does...I trust that, completely...I am going to a meeting, it is the next right thing to do...one step in front of the other...trudging the road to happy destiny.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Getting a Life

I feel like I have sort of abandoned you guys lately! I miss you! But you guys will be so proud of me. I kinda of got myself a life this week. I am now officially doing the marketing, and end of the month reports at Buzzberry, I enrolled in school, I am getting ready to shoot a documentary about alcoholism, I am going to meetings, helping other people, and at the very top of that I am a single Mom to two amazing boys. When I lay it all out like that it makes my want to cry. God is amazing, I went from not being able to get off the couch a few weeks ago to all of the above. Grateful...I am very grateful.

Enough about me. HOW ARE YOU GUYS??? xoxox

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A Sober Happy Hour

























I am so excited about this upcoming event at my work. Finally a happy hour for sober people! It is super hard to find fun things to do sober. Don't get me wrong meetings are fun, and much needed, and something to do, but sometimes I just want to "go out" So this event is perfect. I'm thinking it should be a once a month thing! So if you're an Arizona reader PLEASE come on down and going us for a SOBER HAPPY HOUR tm!!!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

At a Crossroads

It seems to happen every year around this time, change, growth, and a bit of depression. I'm doing something right now that I've never really done...I'm goal setting. I have every excuse to kinda of give up right now, half of the people I know are looking at me thinking how is she going to work this out, the deal is I'm not, God is. But in order for that to happen I need to take action.

I have no clue how my bills are going to get paid this month, but instead of getting all trapped in fear I enrolled in a GED class. If I don't get some kind of education this cycle of not being able to pay my bills is likely to never end. I have spent many years in fear over my GED, I have tried going to classes for it before and failed, but I've never tried sober...it's a whole new ballgame!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Lonely

I remember the beginning of my sobriety being one of the loneliest time of my life. Even when I was around people I was lonely. To tell you the truth I think I was always really lonely, but when I was drinking I couldn't feel or identify it.

I remember being told that one day I would be my own best friend, and then I wouldn't be so lonely. You know what it's true. That bitter lonely feeling is gone. Sure I wish I has someone special in my life, but I don't mind being alone for now, and I never thought that would happen.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

I am going to share a story about the most special, and wises person I know, {Namewithheld}....When I was like 6 months sober I was complaining and complaining about how I was feeling horrible, and how bad life sucked. I wasn't where I wanted to be, or feeling the way I thought I should feel, and it horrible! I had had it and I didn't know what I needed, or what to do, but she knew I needed to hear a little bit of hope...this is what she said....

"If it didn't get better do you actually think I'd still be sober?" she had like 35 years of sobriety, and a good point. If sobriety didn't get better, no one would stay sober.

Stick in there, don't give up, and it wil get better!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Having Upstairs Neighbors

Are you flipping kidding me? My upstairs neighbors where being so loud
it sounded like a heard of elephants where stampeding above my head,
that and the music was driving me over the edge. This isn't the first
time they've super loud, and I'm sure it won't be the last. But
tonight I wasnt in the mood. So I looked if we had a complaint line of
some sort, which we don't, and I'm totally NOT a call 911 kind of gal,
so my last option was to go deal it myself, which I did. They took it
well, one kid even offered me a beer, felt a little odd passing up a
free beer, but I did:) Now they are much quieter. I can now only hear
a little bass pounding. All in all I was pretty cool about it, figure
it'll be my kids one day:)

Sent from my iPhone

Lemonberry Studios

I am proud to announce Lemonberry Studios to our Blog! Their jewelry is cute, adorable, and many pieces are one of a kind! If I could I would buy one of each! Their motto is "Celebrating everything recovery" which is a complete perfect fit for emilyism.com!!

Shop, shop, shop till you drop! Let's help another sober sister out!


Gavin playing Flag Football



Or...um...taking a break from flag football. They did great...20-0...and Gavin had 5 sacks (I hear that's good!)...I'm not sure how I feel about all this football stuff, I'm way more into baseball. But I love that Gav loves it, so Mom will pretend she digs it too:)