Happy Thursday everyone! Sorry this is coming out so late, but I’ve been running from football field to football field tonite. This is Annette, “guest posting” for Em today. Today I am celebrating 9 months of sobriety…never thought it possible or imaginable. As some of you may know, I’ve also begun my Step 4, which for those unaware is “made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”….I know - sounds scary doesn’t it. Well, it sure was for me…I have been avoiding it like the plague for some time now…because I was totally afraid to take a real-hard, deep, honest look at myself…into myself….I didn’t want to face it. But the quote below from the 12 & 12 was sent to me yesterday morning and it spoke to me loudly:
All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its
own right. Then fear, in turn, generates more character defects.
Unreasonable fear that our instincts will not be
satisfied drives us to covet the possessions of others, to lust
for sex and power, to become angry when our instinctive
demands are threatened, to be envious when the ambitions
of others seem to be realized while ours are not. We eat,
drink, and grab for more of everything than we need, fearing
we shall never have enough. And with genuine alarm at
the prospect of work, we stay lazy. We loaf and procrastinate,
or at best work grudgingly and under half steam.
These fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the
foundations of whatever sort of life we try to build.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Copyright © 1952, 1953, 1981 by
Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., page 49
After reading this, I started looking at my “fear” of doing my Step 4...it’s been running around inside my head for around 3 months now…and I realized that I have been doing exactly what the quote says we will do if we sit in fear and don’t face it. I’m not gonna go into specifics, but I was doing many of the things described above…I was searching dark alleys for more, more, more…for anything that would cure my “soul-sickness” as they call it. And I wasn’t searching for any relief in the rooms of AA. After chasing many crazy avenues…I kind of gave up - I became lazy, slept way too much, procrastinated in every area of my life and soon found that I wasn’t “truly” in recovery…I was in a dry-drunk mode…I wasn’t working my program. After reading this yesterday, I realized that I’m not gonna find myself, peace, serenity or happiness until I face my fears, my defects, my wrongs…and the only way to do this was to do Step 4. I sat down yesterday because I was starting to feel that everything I had achieved and worked for in my sobriety was starting to really feel meaningless.
Don’t get me wrong, yesterday was a tough day….but I have started….and believe it or not, it wasn’t “all that bad”. I still have some work to do, but I just wanted to share with you that sitting in that fear too long can totally destroy the better life you’re attempting to build in recovery. If I could turn back time, I would have began work on this 3 months ago and saved myself a lot of agony & depression.
Even if you’re not in AA, you might think about doin a little writing assignment about yourself….it’s truly amazing how much you can learn when you sit down and take that deep-hard look at yourself…inside yourself…I have found it to be very therapeutic and relieving.
And oh boy….do I have a lot of things I need to work on J
Hope you can take “something” from this and thanks for letting me post Em!