Thursday, September 16, 2010

Fear

Happy Thursday everyone! Sorry this is coming out so late, but I’ve been running from football field to football field tonite. This is Annette, “guest posting” for Em today. Today I am celebrating 9 months of sobriety…never thought it possible or imaginable. As some of you may know, I’ve also begun my Step 4, which for those unaware is “made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”….I know - sounds scary doesn’t it. Well, it sure was for me…I have been avoiding it like the plague for some time now…because I was totally afraid to take a real-hard, deep, honest look at myself…into myself….I didn’t want to face it. But the quote below from the 12 & 12 was sent to me yesterday morning and it spoke to me loudly:

All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its
own right. Then fear, in turn, generates more character defects.
Unreasonable fear that our instincts will not be
satisfied drives us to covet the possessions of others, to lust
for sex and power, to become angry when our instinctive
demands are threatened, to be envious when the ambitions
of others seem to be realized while ours are not. We eat,
drink, and grab for more of everything than we need, fearing
we shall never have enough. And with genuine alarm at
the prospect of work, we stay lazy. We loaf and procrastinate,
or at best work grudgingly and under half steam.
These fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the
foundations of whatever sort of life we try to build.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Copyright © 1952, 1953, 1981 by
Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., page 49

After reading this, I started looking at my “fear” of doing my Step 4...it’s been running around inside my head for around 3 months now…and I realized that I have been doing exactly what the quote says we will do if we sit in fear and don’t face it. I’m not gonna go into specifics, but I was doing many of the things described above…I was searching dark alleys for more, more, more…for anything that would cure my “soul-sickness” as they call it. And I wasn’t searching for any relief in the rooms of AA. After chasing many crazy avenues…I kind of gave up - I became lazy, slept way too much, procrastinated in every area of my life and soon found that I wasn’t “truly” in recovery…I was in a dry-drunk mode…I wasn’t working my program. After reading this yesterday, I realized that I’m not gonna find myself, peace, serenity or happiness until I face my fears, my defects, my wrongs…and the only way to do this was to do Step 4. I sat down yesterday because I was starting to feel that everything I had achieved and worked for in my sobriety was starting to really feel meaningless.

Don’t get me wrong, yesterday was a tough day….but I have started….and believe it or not, it wasn’t “all that bad”. I still have some work to do, but I just wanted to share with you that sitting in that fear too long can totally destroy the better life you’re attempting to build in recovery. If I could turn back time, I would have began work on this 3 months ago and saved myself a lot of agony & depression.
Even if you’re not in AA, you might think about doin a little writing assignment about yourself….it’s truly amazing how much you can learn when you sit down and take that deep-hard look at yourself…inside yourself…I have found it to be very therapeutic and relieving.

And oh boy….do I have a lot of things I need to work on J

Hope you can take “something” from this and thanks for letting me post Em!

4 comments:

  1. Congrats on 9 months!!

    Don't let that 4th step scare you!! It really is where the magic begins. The changes in my life between that first 4th - 9th step were unbelievably miraculous!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Congrats, Annette on your 9 months. I was in the early stages of sobriety; only about 6 or so weeks in. Some huge personal problems came up and I gave up to the FEAR. This topic and Wednesday's post by Em have made me seriously wanting to get back into the good life of not drinking! I cannot believe how much better I felt, not to mention the weight I was losing when I was not drinking. The mornings were so kind to me as I was not beating myself up! So I thank Em, Annette and everyone posting here, (I have been reading almost daily, just not posting)your stories are giving me renewed courage.

    Best of luck to everyone out there struggling with life, love and the pursuit of not drinking! God Bless you all!

    IowaJules

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi, IowaJules --

    Do you mind sharing how much weight did you lose over what period of time by not drinking? And how did you not substitute other calories (eating more) when you stopped drinking?

    Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Anonymous. I lost 14 pounds over 5 weeks time and was working out as well, which I do almost daily anyway. I did crave sweets more; probably because my alcohol of choice was wine and I guess my body still wanted the sugar, even though I drank very dry wines. I allowed myself some dark chocolate but not enough to make up for the missing wine calories.

    Since I have been back with wine (though today is another beginning for me), I had gained 7 pounds back in just about five weeks. Amazing how fast that works, you see when I went back to drinking I also let loose with more food intake...making up for lost time, I guess. Definitely not making this girl any happier. So....wish me luck even though my motto is, "Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity." I am prepared to take this opportunity and make a better attempt of staying sober.

    Best to all out there and God Speed.

    IowaJules

    ReplyDelete