Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Narking on myself...

I didn't go to a meeting today. Why? Cause I'm in a funk and when I'm in funk my disease works over time to get me back. Flipping alcoholism, it's always there. Sometimes it's really quiet, and I almost forget I have it. But when I'm weak or scared or tired or lonely, it screams at me or even worse whispers...you don't need a meeting, don't call anyone, you don't really need to get out of bed today...........scary.

4 comments:

  1. All you can do is try to do better tomorrow. I didnt go to a meeting Tuesday. I had a really good reason and it was not an alcoholic need to isolate (as is usually my case for skipping). Tonight I went to another program's meeting to support a friend who was celebrating an anniversary. Can I just say that I am itching to get to one of my meetings tomorrow?! I was thinking the other day about what a chore it was to go to "90 in 90" when i first got sober (at least in the beginning). Its so amazing how that has changed and meeting are something I gladly go to nowadays. It's truly a miracle how us alcoholics have this program to get us through the day.

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  2. I know how ya feel Em...has been happenin to me a lot lately...out at the ballpark all day long in temps over 100 and just too tired, etc., etc. Same thing yesterday...1:30 to 7:00, rolled back into town around 7:45, dropped the kids off really quick and went to my 8:00 mtg even tho I was dripping with sweat, stinky, exhausted, dehydrated, wiped out....but, several parents brought "drinks" in for the 2nd game, one got spilled right behind me (of course it was vodka) and I knew I was going home with the hubby out of town, tired, a bit bored/antsy...we all know what that leads to....so I forced myself to go to my mtg even tho I REALLY didn't want to go. Get back on track today Em...don't let this fear take over your life & your program....I believe in you! Hope today is better than yesterday.....and go to a meeting dammit!!! Am I gonna have to start sending my daily e-mail reminders again???? Hehehehe - luv ya girl - hang in there & do the next right thing!

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  3. This is how my disease works. One tiny, mini scule, subtle little thought. When I start thinking "it would be ok for to miss a meeting, or reach out or that,I'm ok or not" These toughts feeds my disease and it gets bigger and bigger and louder and louder and pretty soon, I'm not getting out of bed either. So every morning what I do is: I make the conscienous decision during prayer, to with feed the destructive disease or feed the productive, constructive, happy disease. Am I going to live in Love today and do whatis in front of me? or am I going to live in Fear again today and let this monster take me back into hell? I don't know about you but I have spent a lifetime in the Jaws of this disease of despair and I'm just not (most of the time as I am not perfect) not willing to feed it. I used to pray to god to die in my sleep. and everytime I woke up I was disappointed ( no, I'm not self absorbed or arrogant at all !!! Haha) Then after awhile, I just having these thoughts " Oh... the sun is up...I get to start over...God gave me another day to begin again... and I started to feel better. I'm not sure excactly what transpired in my thinking during that time, but I'm sure it was something that seaped into my subconscienous from my AA Meeting ritual medicine. Gratitude lists help me alot during times of darkness, because it forces me to focus on what blessings I have, rather then the ones I lack.

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  4. 6:50 - thank you for yor post. I am living so much of your life.. I will re - read your last post tomorrow knowing another woman is out there making prayers and choices to move toward health and productivity. Alcohol helps ... no one...

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