Good morning everyone! I brainstormed a little too much last nite about what I would write about today, since it's my 1st time stepping in for Em while she's on vacation. I thinkt the reason I couldn't come up with anything LAST nite was because I was getting all worked up about TODAY. In my Recovery, I've found that my alcoholic brain really starts messing with me when I don't live in the moment, one day at a time. When I start worrying about the tomorrows, I find myself falling back into bad behaviors. So I was so happy to wake up this morning, go for my walk and come back refreshed & ready to write.
I did a bit of reading in some of my self-help stash and this is what jumped out at me for today. Unmanageability - "What????.... my life was never unmanageable! Yes, I drank A LOT, but the house was always clean, the laundry always done, the boys were on-time to school, practices, etc., dinner was always on the table - my life was not unmanageable!" Before even choosing a program of Recovery, I knew a bit about the Program I eventually chose to become a member of and started "pre-reading" a bit in their literature. I completely admitted to myself that I was powerless over alcohol......I just had a really hard time with the "unmanageable" part...actually took me 3 yrs to admit that my life was unmanageable. What finally forced me to come to this realization was the fact that as time went on, all the day to day things, chores, etc. were still getting done, but my "alcohol obsessed mind" was getting stronger & gaining more & more control of my life. The last 6 months of my "drinking career" was pretty much consumed with "how, when & where" I would get my next drink. I began to "sluff off" on all that everyday stuff, I would lay around in my jams all day, in & out of sleep, watching TV all day long, getting NOTHING accomplished. I took a good look and by the Grace of God saw what he was trying to show me.....alcohol was beginning to turn the last corner in the race of my life and it was about ready to overtake me and win. I was not about to let this happen. When I realized this & started REALLY taking a good-hard look at how my husband and boys were acting/reacting around me & my drinking, how I was acting/reacting to life when I was drinking, I found that my life was DEFINITELY unmanageable - yes, all the "things/chores/etc." were getting done, but my emotional & spiritual life was bankrupt. I based manageability on "getting things done - tasks". That's not what I wanted my life to be about or defined by. So I did something about it and walked thru the doors to a Program of Recovery on 12/18/09 and it has been the best decision I've ever made in my life.
My hope for everyone out there still struggling today.....take a really good-hard look at your life in it's current condition - are you happy, can you look at yourself in the mirror every morning, do you feel spiritually fit, emotionally fit, are you grappling with fits of guilt every morning after drinking?....the list goes on & on. Take a deep look at every aspect of your life and make your own personal decision as to whether or not you consider yourself alcoholic.......if your answer is yes, do some independent research into some different avenues of recovery.....I personally believe that taking personal action is THE first step on your journey to Recovery. I wish for all of you peace & serenity, as well as the willingness to get help. Hugs to all & have a Fabulous Sober Friday! We don't have to do this alone!