Monday, June 7, 2010

No longer

The other day I was thinking about how today I am free from the bondage of alcohol. Its no longer what I think about all day, it's no longer what I plan my activities around, it no longer keeps me hiding and feeling shame. It no longer controls my mind. I am free. Thank God.

14 comments:

  1. I wish I could say the same. I can go for a few days and then I have a few glasses of wine and that is all it takes, I'm back to the same every night for a few nights.

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  2. Annie, at least your still here listening to everyones story and sharing yours. We have all gone back to drinking at some point and wished we could stop. You will, you can. I still can't believe how wonderful it is to not drink anymore. I'm learning a lot about myself and how I need to deal with my feelings without alcohol.
    Annie you can do it!! Good Luck!!

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  3. I was having those same feelings over the weekend Em - I was with a bunch of drinkers that imbibed all weekend long and it didn't bother me a bit and it was good to see in some of them "how I USED to be" - real eye-opener. I am really grateful to not have alcohol ruling my every waking moment - I feel so much more carefree and whole - I love God & I love my life!

    Keep comin back Annie - one day something will click and you will make the final decision to quit. Hang in there girl - we're all here for ya & prayin for ya!

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  4. Lisa - if you're still reading, send me an e-mail - would love to hear what's goin on in your life and how you are struggling with alcohol.

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  5. Thank you everyone for your support. It really means a lot and I get a lot of strength from all of you.
    Yes, I will continue to come back everyday. Sometimes I am on here more than once a day. It really does help me a lot.

    Doggielover-Really dealing with feelings is kind of a scary thing when you are sober, but it is really the only way. I'm proud of you!!!

    Annette-I'm sure the weekend reinforced that you are doing well!!! That must be a great feeling...I hope to be there in the near future!!!

    Back to the Oreos tonight, no wine. I really do feel so much better when I do not drink. I just need to keep reminding myself of this when I feel like drinking. Its strange because it just seems to excacerbate any negative feelings I have and I usually feel like drinking when I am upset or stressed which is the worst time to drink...It does not make me calm. It is not working for me any longer!!!

    There are days when I won't think about drinking at all. I really can't even have one glass of wine because it opens the gate to several nights of a bottle of wine each night.

    So heres to keeping myself busy so that I don't give myself the opportunity to think about going and buying that bottle of wine!!!

    Thanks everyone!!!

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  6. Annie --

    I can really relate to what you are saying. I could almost have written it. What's keeping me strong now are a few things: 1) we are leaving for Hawaii in a few days and there's no way I want to feel anything less than my best; 2) I've had some great e-mail correspondence with Momma of 3 and she pointed out that her motivation is to show her young kids that life can be good and fun without alcohol. Her kids are young enough that they will have no memories of her drinking. Mine are a bit older and might have a few memories, but by stopping now, their memories will be weak. I want to set a good example; and 3) without stopping, there's always the potential to cause serious harm to one's family.

    The other issue I discussed with Momma of 3, which Emily hit on here, is that it is so nice not to worry about it all the time. So by stopping, my mind is more relaxed.

    I'm still a work in progress, though...and I am in awe of Emily, Momma of 3, Randy, Annette, and others who have just quit like that.

    Montana

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  7. Montana-Thank you for your for sharing all of this with me. It all makes so much sense. I know we can have fun without alcohol and I plan on it from this moment forward.

    I don't want to be pre-occupied with alcohol, it is so not worth it.

    My children, ages 10 and 13, are great motivation for me as well. Time goes by so fast and I feel that I have missed some things, but will move on not wanting to miss anything in the future.

    I don't want to have any regrets about not so nice behavior/conversations. Waking up in the middle of the night and NOT having to worry about something I may have said to any of my family members will be really nice. Sometimes my mind just races about what I may have said earlier that evening.

    Thank you to all of you!!!

    P.S. Montana - Have a great time in Hawaii, you will enjoy it so much more being sober. You will have more energy for your kids!!! Just think of how many more things you will be able to do because you will wake up feeling great and go to sleep feeling really proud of yourslf.

    Speaking of sleep, what was the prescription your doctor gave you. I think I may need something temporarily for sleep and mild anxiety.

    Thanks again!!!

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  8. Hi, Annie --

    I recommend you see an MD who specializes in sleep disorders. There's a variety of medications available to help, and not every medication will work for every person. And, of course, some medications interact with each other so if you are already on a prescription for one thing, it can dictate what you may or may not have for another thing.

    Be sure to be honest with your MD about your alcohol use, too, because that has a bearing as well.

    Not sure if I helped, but I definitely recommend that you go to a sleep specialist, if there is one in your town. I first went to our family doctor, and as much as I love him, he just didn't help me.

    Montana

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  9. I had a weird experiance today. At work there is someone who just can't stay out of everyones business and always drives everyone crazy at work. I usually just ignore her, but today she was fighting with the boss and she brought up my name and tried to blame something on me, because she thought I was in a different area. I flipped out and pretty much told her to butt out and leave everyone alone and worry about herself and then I told her she was crazy. ( I think she is!!!) Anyway all of a sudden she said that I must be crazy because I told her that if she didn't shut up at the Christmas party that I was going to smack her mouth shut. OMG!!! I DON"T REMEMBER any of that!! I was drunk at the Christmas Party!!! So of course I snapped something back at her, but I was shaking later because I couldn't believe I could have been so mean and roughl!! Even though she is a ASS!! My husband said I could get nasty when I was drunk, that makes me feel awful!!! I have to remember I am sober now and what I did when I was drinking was done by a sick person, but I do have to make amends for what I have done to others. I guess as I go along my path of sobriety I will hear some pretty shocking things, that I DID. I am now hopefully more responsible and I pray that I can learn to be a better person.

    I really do dislike this person, do I really have to make an amends to her?????? Someone just tell me I don't have to, LOL!!!! but to be serious, I have a lot to make up for to the people I love in my life. I was a crappy, nasty, drunk!!

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  10. Doggielover....I think you already know the answer to your question....YES, you must make an amends - that's how the program works & keeps you sober and keeps your side of the street clean. I hear ya tho girl...there are some amends that I have to make after I do my 4th Step that I am sooooo not looking forward to...but I have to do it - otherwise I'm not working my program. I figure I can suck it up & just do it....it can't be much worse than some of the things I said & did to others when I was drunk out of my mind.

    Annie - My kids are 9 & 13 and saw some/not really sure how much, but I don't think I scarred them for life or anything. The 9 yr old is pretty clueless about the whole thing I really think....my 13 yr old is a different story. He is very happy & proud of me for quitting drinking and I sometimes find him "keeping an eye on me" at social gatherings to make sure I haven't gone back to drinking. That makes me sad that he feels the responsibility to have to do this. I hope one day he can stop worrying about it. We've talked a bit about it, and I'm sure we'll talk more in depth once I'm further in my sobriety and he's a yr or 2 older. I think he knows more than I think he knows. He would sometimes becaome the "man of the house" for lack of a better term. If I was up at 2 a.m. still drinking, he would often wake up, walk down the upstairs hallway to the top of the stairs and ask me if I was coming to bed soon and if everything was alright. Sometimes I would even ask him to not say anything to Dad if Dad was out of town & I got way too drunk. How freakin unfair is that of me to put that on him....urgh, I hate thinking about how I was sometimes. But I know that I must not forget "who I was" because if I do, I very likely might be right back there, and in even worse shape than I was before.

    It breaks my heart just to type this. I hate myself for putting him thru that. But all I can do is be a better sober parent and show him thru my actions today how much I love him, respect him and appreciate him. This last 6 months has been absolutely wonderful with my boys - I wouldn't go back to drinking if someone paid me!

    Hugs to All & Have a great Hawaiian vacation girls - safe travels!!!

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  11. Annette, don't beat yourself up, I know it is easier said then done, but your here for him now. He is learning from you everyday that if you believe in something and put your mind to it that you can over come. He is gaining a new outlook on life because you are changing and able to do new and exciting things with him. Your a great mom!!

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  12. I second that, you are a great Mom Annette!

    I totally get the guilt thing, now that I'm more 'in the moment' I'm starting to realize how out of the moment I was before. Makes me feel bad. I could go on and on about this, but it makes me want to cry:( I also have PMS today, which also makes me wanna cry:)

    xo, em

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  13. Thanks guys....went to an awesome new noon meeting today & definitely going back (it's everyday at noon)...will also help with all of the nighttime baseball games that keep me away from my meetings - win/win for all - met some moms from our baseball world here locally - it was good to even further feel closer to other alcoholics that live my baseball lifestyle - it's a great day and my baby boy is 13 today!!!! Havin a sleepover after the game tonite, taking them for pizza and we'll have cookie cake here at home....his BIG 22 boy sleepover party has not been officially scheduled yet as we have so many tourneys, I'm waiting for an opening. Thanks for all the support guys. I try to stay in the moment and not let myself dwell in the past for too long or I could get really depressed & possibly go back out - NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!!!

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  14. Annette,
    Thank you for your support!!! We have all set a not so great example for our children while we were drinking. All we can do is think of the future and put the past where it belongs, in the past. Remember, minute by minute!!!

    You are a really great mom and you continue to be a great mom. Have a wonderful time celebrating with your "teen baby" He sounds like a wonderful and very caring young man.

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