Monday, June 28, 2010

No one but Myself

Who did I go sober for? Me, myself and I. I'm not going to tell you that I thought about my kids or the man I was in love with (who had left me) I didn't go sober to get him back, I didn't go sober to be a better parent...I went sober because I was absolutely broken and I didn't know what else to do. (the thought of getting another DUI also helped push the process along)

I had to put them all on the back burner in order to get sober, for me it had to be about me. Some of my worse parenting was in my first year of sobriety...I had to come first and up until then I had at least pretended that they did, alcohol actually did, but I put on a decent show. My kids and {name withheld} were amazing, to them I was doing the right thing and they loved and supported me the entire time. Thank you guys!

You will be amazed how many people will support you if you take a step in the right direction. Being a Mom has always been the most important thing to me, always. So the fact I couldn't stop drinking for my kids showed me how powerful the disease of alcoholism is. There is no reason to feel guilty for taking time to get better. I never, not in a million years, would have become the Mom I am today had I not taken and continue to take time for my recovery. Today I am the Mom I always strived to be, all because of sobriety.


  1. Same for me too Em. I couldn't quit for anyone but myself or it just wouldn't work. I told my wife twice that I would cut down "for her". SOS,(same old ----) special occasions only,no more stopping after work,I'll pace myself, yadda yadda... I knew she would leave if I didn't, & I didn't. The last failed attempt at pacing myself was the last time I drank. Started 10 AM, finished, last call. Some time just before last call my HP gave me a chance to see myself as others did. I didn't like what I saw & quit drinking, for myself, I wanted to. We are still together by the hand of my HP only. I didn't tell her or anyone I quit, talking about it was over. The subject came up days later & we talked it out then. 4 years later I went to my program to work on the rest of recovery which was sorely needed. Shortly after that, on to another program to clear up some family issues with alcohol. A work in progress...
    Didn't start out to blab all that, but there it is...

  2. Emily, glad you had a nice trip, you deserve it!! You are so right about this post, it has to be for you. If you don't stop for yourself you can never be better for anyone else. I am thankful that i finally came to that conclusion. I wasn't sure if my husband would still be around, but I knew I had to do it for me, because I lost the me I liked, alcohol washed her away. I think I am stepping towards myself everyday thank GOD!!!

    Great to see you back Randy, hope all is well!!

  3. Thank you Emily for starting this blog. My Mom heard about it on the Dr. Phil show and shared it with me. Amazing how God works, I was just telling a friend last night that this time, it's just for me. I've gotten sober in the past for husband, who divorced me anyway. My son, who is now 15 and thinks I'm an idiot. So, there's only me left. And I'm so tired of all the work, right now I'm washing bed sheets, etc. after waking up in my own vomit for the who knows how many times. I know it's gross but, I hope someone out there can relate. Anyway, your blog came to me at the best time, I'll be checking in daily. Thanks!
    God bless.

  4. Thank you Doggielover, all is well... My absence started with a well timed computer break down. I also had a little program relapse. Emily's blog is a great place to help others while helping yourself. I was kinda losing my perspective & blogging more to hear myself than help others. Like the nosey neighbor always peaking over the back fence & not paying attention to what's going on behind him. Complacentsy & self serving behavior were taking over. Time to re-boot myself & get with the program. Have to take care of my own house first before I can even pretend to help others take care of theirs...
    I hope everyone is doing well, & great to see some new names here.
    Nice work Emily & friends!!!

  5. Glad you're back Randy!!! Missed ya buddy!

  6. Great post Emily! I have been struggling with this very topic! I started this journey 2 years ago and nothing clicked until I decided to do it for myself but I don't want my kids to resent my recovery because there are times meetings are the same time as their baseball or lacrosse and I choose to take them to their stuff because my drinking has already effected them so much and just don't want them to be effected by it anymore, even though I am not drinking.Not sure if that makes any sense. But I am really the only one to make sure they get where they have to go. I bring my book that I received at a meeting and read it at the ballpark and the arena, just physically can't get to a meeting sometimes. I feel different this time about my recovery and everyday have to work at it or pray on it.Damn this is the hardest thing I have had to do in my life but I know it is for the better. My thought process is getting so much better and can actually socialize without a drink in my hand. Not liking the 20 pounds from all the candy I eat now, never use to!I use to use recovery as a way to save face, meaning I did something really stupid, then go into counselling with no intention to stop drinking and do the poor me game to justify my behaviour then start the process all over again.Went through a lot of counsellors because didn't like what they had to tell me about myself.Now I feel thankful for their efforts and so blessed that I had those people in my life who told me what I didn't want to hear and I actually heard them before it was too late.Thanks again for this blog and so happy you had a great camping trip, you deserved it!!!
    Anonymous 09:26 you are not alone! Don't hide behind your shame like I did get the help you need, I wasted too many years embarrassed and shameful an used them as an excuse to get wasted. I realized I am more than puke in my hair or the times I have peed in my pants, those moments give me the motivation to be the person I truly was meant to be to give myself a chance sober, cause I never want to be that other person again.Take care and just know you are not alone and people do care.
    Take care everyone and have a good week!

  7. The coolness and strength of us all amazes me! We are RAD! Hope everyone is having a wonderful day! XO, Em

  8. I missed quite a few meetings this spring because of baseball. I quickly realized that the more I missed the easier it was to miss the next time.

    I've been back for several weeks now and it makes me happy. In fact I am about ready to tell my sponsor I'd like more of a leadership role during meetings.

    I hope everyone had a super fab Monday.....sobriety is fantastic!

    there IS hope~

  9. Thank you and yes, I've peed myself too. Someday I know I'll be able to laugh about all of this. For now I can't get enough Miracle spray on my mattress to get the stench out. This one was really bad.

  10. Laura - I see 100% similarities in our stories. I too have missed a lot of meetings due to my boys' baseball games. For a while, I just accepted it, went to their games (for the same reasons you did - didn't want to cause them any additional neglect/harm) and figured I'd go to a meeting when I didn't have a game. My sponsor was on me about it pretty bad and I decided to start looking at meetings at different times. And what do you know...I found a noon meeting really close to my home, Mon thru Fri....went & I love it. Also met 2 other baseball parents from different teams in my sons' league. Very cool to connect with them & support one another even when we see each other at the fields.

    mommaof3 - good for you girl for taking more of a leadership role in your meetings. I need to do the same, but am waiting until school starts so I can have more of a "regular/normal" schedule....if any such thing exists - haha

    Anonymouse 4:52....I've peed myself three - see, we are not alone!

  11. I saw you on Dr Phil..what an inspiration to fact all of you are!
    Is there someone here who would like to be my friend..e-mail back and forth..I am not in a program..and I know I need some help.

  12. After watching the Dr. Phl Show last week, I have been "checking out" this site on a daily basis. I have finally gotten the courage to leave a comment.

    I am in awe of the honesty and many "me's" that I have read. Truly me!

    I come from a long line of alcoholics on both sides of my family. I am 45 and ready to get this monkey off of my back. It is so time consuming and such a waste of time. Every day is the day I won't have beer starting at 5pm. Today IS my day. I have 3 beautiful kids 2 in high school and one in college. I am so blessed in so many ways and still choose to "check out" everyday. It's unbelievable what a hold this has on my life. I know with the help of all of you and AA and my strong belief in God...I CAN DO THIS! I AM READY!!!! I DON'T DESERVE THIS!!! I want more than anything to gain control back as alcohol has controlled me for far too long. Worrying about not being able to carpool my youngest to movies with friends, etc...

    I am losing a very dear friend to Breast Cancer in a very short time. She will leave behind 5 beautiful daughters. She is leaving us not by her choice...I make that choice to "leave" everyday...why??? It has taken this moment in my life to really get it. I have a wonderful support system and have over the past several months, for the most part, eliminated the bad choices of drinking situations..
    but, I still find it OK to drink by myself on a daily basis. I know that this will be a work in progress and one day at a time...I deserve better.
    I have attended one AA mtg--a ladies group. It was about a month ago...I will go back tomorrow. This feels so right this time. I will be praying for all of you and thank you for keeping me in yours. Elsie

  13. Elsie, you can do it!!! It's good that you have started to take the steps towards AA and seeing how your friends life is slipping away and she has no control, but you do. Good Luck and hope to see you around. Good Luck to everyone!!

  14. Laura --

    Do you mind sharing what your counselors told you (that you choose to initially ignore)?

  15. Don't mind sharing at all. I justified all of my behaviour on my chilhood which was not the best to say the least, but I loved "the pity game" and I specifically remember one counsellor asking me after I had just described a night out with my significant other at the time and as usual we got into a fight and the night ended with me jumping out of the vehicle while he was driving. I was so drunk I didn't even realize how close I came to losing my life that night and while I was describing the event and everything that led up to the moment and the moments afterward and was blaming everyone else for my misery and she looked at me and asked me if I thought I had a drinking problem. I was so pissed because she ignored all of my poor me story and focused on me and my choices and decisions.She was the first one to call me on it.Needless to say I didn't see her for awhile after that. She tried to arrange an outpatient treatment for me but surprise I did not show up. After a few more times of going she basically told me that if I didn't want to help myself why should she help me!How dare her right. She told me that I couldn't be honest with myself. I remember saying to her "I thought you where ok until you went all Dr.Phil on me." She made me look in the mirror and take responsibility for my own actions and that made me very angry and I couldn't use the victim card anymore with her. I wasn't ready to hear it and that was after over a year of counselling and being 31 years old.At that point I had been in counselling for over 10 years with various other counsellors. The only person that can "fix" me is me.With some help of course but the for me I am a slow learner. I am a alcoholic and ever since I have realized that the closer I am to actually being healthier spiritually, physically and mentally. For what ever reasons I am an alcoholic blaming and victimizing myself just slows my recovery.Like the saying goes "It is what it is" I just chose to handling it differently and that is being sober and dealing with my feelings and not stuffing them down.
    Your probably sorry you asked me. I am still early in my recovery and still have a lot to get off my chest. Take care and hope this makes some sense.

  16. Thanks, Laura -- what you've said is helpful to me as I struggle to improve myself.

    God bless you in your recovery --

  17. Hi, Bev here. You are all so amazing - keep up the good work and the encouraging words. It helps each and everyone of us to discuss these things openly.
    I thank you all!