Saturday, June 26, 2010

....a little more on unmanageability

I was doing some reading tonite & related quite a bit & thought I would share. It is from the book "Keep It Simple" Hazelden Meditations.

"We were out of control. Our addiction was in control. Addiction managed everything. It managed our relationships. It managed how we behaved with our families."...."But we pretended we managed our lives. What a lie! - Addiction ran our lives, not us. We weren't honest with ourselves. Our program heals us through self-honesty. We feel better just speaking the truth. We are becoming good people with spiritual values. Our spiritual journey has begun"

I liked this as an add on to my post yesterday because my addiction did manage my life. I proclaim to have been a "functioning alcoholic" when I was drinking.....well of course I am going to title myself that. I believe that I used to keep up with everything.......so that I had lots of free time to drink once I had everything done, and no one could really say anything because I had gotten so much accomplished. Now if that is not my addiction managing my life, I don't know what is!

I would sit at stoplights at noon and wonder if anyone else in their cars at that same stoplight were partaking in a mixed drink as I was. I would go to several different liquor stores so the clerks wouldn't think I was an alkie, I would drive my empty bottles up to the Sonic to throw them away so my husband wouldn't find them in case he ever felt like digging thru the trashcans (which he never did - waste of my time & gas to drive to Sonic), I would wake up and plan my day "around" my drinking. Having a drink before hiting the gym is not exactly "normal" behavior.....I did that! Hiding bottles, getting pissed the next morning when I couldn't remember where I hid them; drinking from bottles in our pantry that my husband drank from too and trying to remember where the liquor level was before I drank from it when he was out of town, so that I could go buy a bottle & fill it back up to that same level, when the kids were younger, worrying that they might tell Dad how often we go to the liquor store (they liked it cuz they always got to pick out a sucker)....the list goes on and on and on and on......it got to the point of utter & sheer exhaustion. YES, my life was unmanageable because my addiction was the manager....and it was all about him, all of the time.

Remember that you can comment anonymously - share what's on your mind, ask questions....you would truly be amazed at what a feeling of relief simply comes from sharing your story.

Missed ya today Em....must have not been able to get a signal - hope you're having a wonderful time!

9 comments:

  1. Annette...we've been friends for like...2 decades!!! Man we are old!!! I am so proud of you!!! I support you 1000 percent...and more! You have worked hard to get where you are at this moment. I have seen you at some of your worst times (you have seen me at mine). I think your honesty will help a lot people! Love you more than a pound of crab legs!!! (FYI Miss Annette loves her some seafood)

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  2. I so want to be "sober" again.. please, any help.. just words.. of u can do this. I was never a drinker.. until my sister passed away of Valentines Day of 2008..then I started.. now, it's all the time.. help me PLEASE!!!

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  3. What an awesome surprise "crableg bff" - this made my morning!!! I was just telling people in my homegroup at last nite's meeting that when I begin to have feelings of (what I call) the "fuck its" and want to just give in and drink with everyone else, my non-AA friends who I have shared my story with step up and express to me how incredibly proud of me they are. It's sooo wonderful to have my support system wrap so completely around my life....family, AA friends, non-AA lifelong friends & God. I am blessed and I thank God for blessing me every single morning!

    Anonymous 10:29 - I've got to run out for a bit right now, but I will respond to you when I get back. Hang in there, stay strong sweetie....there is HOPE!.....and HOPE IS HUGE!

    I love you all - we rock!!!

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  4. Anon- 10:29

    YES, you CAN do this. Some of us here are doing it right now. It is hard. Em said on Dr. Phil that getting sober will be the hardest thing you will ever do. I agree with her. I think the only thing harder would be to live the rest of my life knowing I caused another's death thru drunk driving or poor decisions while drinking.

    I am so sorry about your sister. I cannot imagine that grief. Are there other family members you are close to or who live nearby? What sort of support team could you develop or do you already have?

    Hang in there.
    There IS hope-

    more to read-
    www.offhersauce.blogspot.com

    Happy Sunday~

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  5. Great post Annette, I think a lot of people can relate, I know I could!! I would go to 3 or 4 liquor stores so they didn't know I was an "alkie", PLEASE they knew!!! I'm sure they saw the desperation on my face!! So nice to see your friends all supporting you!! You are the best Annette, I love seafood too!!

    Anonymous 10:29
    So sorry to hear about your sister. It is so hard to lose someone you love. I have to say I'm just talking from my heart and I have NO EXPERIENCE in any of this, just personal experience, so I hope this helps. I am just now really starting to get a hold of when I really started to drink out of control, but I have to say I know at certain points I drank because I thought it made me feel better. I would isolate and think about things I couldn't control, or things that made me mad. Well drinking made it worse, I am mean and nasty when I drank. My alcoholic mind would take me to really dark places. Having someone pass away is very hard to deal with, as is illnesses and personal problems. I just know that drinking magnified it and made it 150% worse!! It messed up my relationships and the alcohol was in control of me!! I think you may want to look into some grief programs and work with someone about your feelings about losing your sister. You may want to look into AA, they have all different kinds of groups, they have all female groups and you may feel comfortable talking there. You are admitting that you have a problem, so your on your way. I know a women in my group that drank even more after her sister passed away, you may find someone in a group that you can relate to. Grief and alcohol seem to go hand and hand, but you can get past it, please let us know how you are doing and what else we can help with. I hope I helped you a little, sending positive thoughts your way!

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  6. @Tracey who posted on Thursday, the 24th, and spoke about bringing AA to a woman's prison once a week. I have a similar desire to reach out to women in our county jail (where I spent 7 days) and was amazed at the lack of resources for these women. Would be interested in speaking with you about this. If you read this and have a moment to chat, give me a shout at macnick2009@gmail.com

    Thanks,
    Dawn

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  7. Dawn - I love your desire to want to reach out for help, but could you do me a favor & delete your post above as it has your personal e-maill address. Emily doesn't want anyone posting their personal information, as sometimes she gets some "rather undesirable" comments/emails from people that could use your personal info in bad ways. I "should" be able to delete it, but I'm having trouble doing that signed on as Em this morning. Thanks in advance for doing this - Em will appreciate it too!! I will send Em an email that you would like to correspond personally with Tracey about service work and she will get you 2 in touch w/one another.

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  8. Anon 10:29 - See my Sobriety Sunday post - I think it might help, at least I hope it does. I lost my father very suddenly & unexpectedly 19 years ago, 6/1/91. It was the most devastating day of my life...and the years to follow as well. I spent many, many years drinking at my grief and being angry at God for taking my best friend, my Dad away from me so soon....he never got to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, he wasn't by my side at the birth of his 2 beautiful grandchildren, he isn't here to watch them grow, enjoy them.....but I know now that he is always with me & my boys...watching over us all the time and living inside our hearts. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister, but honey, you really should probably get some type of grief counseling...I'd hate to see you carry it for 19 years like I did.

    Oops - forgot I was still signed on as Em - It's Annette posting this comment.

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  9. Annette/Emily -

    My apologies for including that information. Unfortunately, I'm having difficulty myself deleting it. Yikes. Help?

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