Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Freedom

Feeling Better

After eating very healthy and taking it easy today I am feeling much better. I think between eating poorly, working on my issues (which always open up a can of worms) worrying about money, and losing someone in the program I stay sober in (he died peacefully in his sleep, totally his time, not so much the time for people who loved seeing his bright and shiny face) I just crashed. I am glad that I know it is okay to -relax and take it easy- to be kind and loving to myself and to know it will get better, it ALWAYS does.

Eating Healthy

If you've read the whole blog you know I am a big fan of chocolate,
huge fan, espically while your going through detox. But it is also
important to eat healthy in sobriety. I don't know about you but how I
eat affects my mental health. I have been eating so crappy and feel so
crappy because of it that I'm going to have to do a food detox...(the
south beach diet) for a few weeks. The first few days are harsh and
I'm a mean, crabby, little mess. But after a few days I start feeling
a million times better.

I feel crappy today guys, really crappy and I am not really impressed
to say it's because I'm eating junkie! But that's enough kicking my
own butt. How are you all doing?

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Another Alcoholic

Today I met with another alcoholic about some of my issues, nothing
like sharing with someone who can hear through your bullshit. I am so
blessed to have people in my life who will call me out, otherwise I
might start thinking I'm cured:)

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, June 28, 2010

No one but Myself

Who did I go sober for? Me, myself and I. I'm not going to tell you that I thought about my kids or the man I was in love with (who had left me) I didn't go sober to get him back, I didn't go sober to be a better parent...I went sober because I was absolutely broken and I didn't know what else to do. (the thought of getting another DUI also helped push the process along)

I had to put them all on the back burner in order to get sober, for me it had to be about me. Some of my worse parenting was in my first year of sobriety...I had to come first and up until then I had at least pretended that they did, alcohol actually did, but I put on a decent show. My kids and {name withheld} were amazing, to them I was doing the right thing and they loved and supported me the entire time. Thank you guys!

You will be amazed how many people will support you if you take a step in the right direction. Being a Mom has always been the most important thing to me, always. So the fact I couldn't stop drinking for my kids showed me how powerful the disease of alcoholism is. There is no reason to feel guilty for taking time to get better. I never, not in a million years, would have become the Mom I am today had I not taken and continue to take time for my recovery. Today I am the Mom I always strived to be, all because of sobriety.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Camping Rocks!

I am home from what I must say was the funnest camping trip I've ever had. It was peaceful and relaxing and just what I needed.

I went on this same camping trip the year before last and I remember thinking... "camping sober??? Mmmm, okay, I'll give it a shot." It can be done guys, you can camp and have fun doing it, sober. If it sounds crazy to you, know that it did to me also.

The first time I went I was like 7 months sober, and being out of my routine and eliminate made me a little bit squirrley (uncomfortable in my own skin) but it was also when I realized the amazingness of other sober people. Watching them helping and loving each other without even having to be asked was new and amazing to me. After watching that I knew to a different degree how truly blessed I was.

This trip I could feel myself being the "true me, my "authentic" self, and even though I know that person will grown and change many times in sobriety, it is amazing to actually like her. When I was drinking my behavior was rude, and mean and often unpredictable...I could not stand myself. So it is totally amazing today to be able to say... not only do I love myself, but I actually like and enjoy who I am becoming.

If you are new to the blog, WELCOME! I am looking forward to getting to know you and for you to get to know me and hopefully in the process we will better get to know ourselves. XO, Em

Thank you Annette!

Thought to Consider.....

"Just because I'm powerless
does not mean that I am helpless. "

Just saw this and thought it went well with the Sobriety Sunday post - have a great day everyone!

Sobriety Sunday

I copied this from my online group message board. It is my very first post to the group on 12/16/09 reaching out for help. I wanted to share it with all of you who are reading this right now, sad, suffering, struggling, frustrated, desperate...but scared....scared of the unknown - Now you can see that I was too! You're not alone, but in order for your life to begin to get better, you MUST TAKE ACTION, whether it be a psychiatrist, therapist, drug/alcohol abuse counselor, rehab, outpatient rehab, an online recovery group, AA, any of the other recovery programs out there similar to AA (not sure of their names), a close friend or family member who you could confide in, or last but definitely not least "God"......REACH OUT TO SOMEONE. The only thing you NEED TO BE AT THIS TIME IS "WILLING".

Okay, here's my very 1st post for help:

New to the group


My name is Annette. I am an "almost" 40 year old stay at home mom w/2 wonderful
boys and a very supportive husband. I don't drink every day, but on the
weekends or special occasions when I do drink - I drink a lot and sometimes to
the point of blackouts. The last time I blacked out was Nov 14th. I quit
drinking altogether - until last nite. I was near a liquor store and just
pulled in and bought a small bottle of vodka - got home & drank it. Woke up
feeling the normal feelings - shame, hungover, stupid. But I now realize that I
need to stop and need to deal with my drinking. I am seeing a therapist once a
week, but obviously that's not enough. I joined this online group for support,
advice, friendship & understanding. I plan on going to my 1st AA meeting
sometime this week. I think I'm gonna try an all womens group near my home. I
wish I wasn't like this - I wish I could drink socially like all of my friends -
but I'm tired . . . .tired of the fights my drinking causes b/w my husband & I'm
tired of the blackouts and not remembering things I said or did, tired of lying
to myself & my family & friends - basically I surrender. Look forward to
hearing from you all. Thanks for having me in your group.


As you can see, I was still lying about my drinking...I said I didn't drink every day...only on weekends and special occasions...yeah right!!! I look back now & laugh, but I truly remember how scared shitless I was that day when I posted the above message. I was literally crying, shaking, gasping for breath....and I was thinking this exact thought....."God, how did I get here???" The only answer I've come to rely upon thus far in my recovery is that "I have to learn to accept life on life's terms - this life was a gift to me from God - I am an alcoholic - God has a reason for everything, good & bad, that he puts in my life - including my alcoholism - maybe it was so I could reach out to others & help - I don't know - I just accept what God has given me TODAY, and that's enough for me.

I hope this, my final post before Em gets back tomorrow, touches all of you in some way. I truly want all of you to have the peace, serenity & sobriety that many of us on here already have. I want it so badly that it hurt sometimes. Please take action & be willing - that's all I ask. I've asked God to bless each & every one of you in my prayers this morning. Thanks for all the supportive comments while fillin in for Em - it was wonderful being able to help her.

.......now back to you Ms. Emily!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

....a little more on unmanageability

I was doing some reading tonite & related quite a bit & thought I would share. It is from the book "Keep It Simple" Hazelden Meditations.

"We were out of control. Our addiction was in control. Addiction managed everything. It managed our relationships. It managed how we behaved with our families."...."But we pretended we managed our lives. What a lie! - Addiction ran our lives, not us. We weren't honest with ourselves. Our program heals us through self-honesty. We feel better just speaking the truth. We are becoming good people with spiritual values. Our spiritual journey has begun"

I liked this as an add on to my post yesterday because my addiction did manage my life. I proclaim to have been a "functioning alcoholic" when I was drinking.....well of course I am going to title myself that. I believe that I used to keep up with everything.......so that I had lots of free time to drink once I had everything done, and no one could really say anything because I had gotten so much accomplished. Now if that is not my addiction managing my life, I don't know what is!

I would sit at stoplights at noon and wonder if anyone else in their cars at that same stoplight were partaking in a mixed drink as I was. I would go to several different liquor stores so the clerks wouldn't think I was an alkie, I would drive my empty bottles up to the Sonic to throw them away so my husband wouldn't find them in case he ever felt like digging thru the trashcans (which he never did - waste of my time & gas to drive to Sonic), I would wake up and plan my day "around" my drinking. Having a drink before hiting the gym is not exactly "normal" behavior.....I did that! Hiding bottles, getting pissed the next morning when I couldn't remember where I hid them; drinking from bottles in our pantry that my husband drank from too and trying to remember where the liquor level was before I drank from it when he was out of town, so that I could go buy a bottle & fill it back up to that same level, when the kids were younger, worrying that they might tell Dad how often we go to the liquor store (they liked it cuz they always got to pick out a sucker)....the list goes on and on and on and on......it got to the point of utter & sheer exhaustion. YES, my life was unmanageable because my addiction was the manager....and it was all about him, all of the time.

Remember that you can comment anonymously - share what's on your mind, ask questions....you would truly be amazed at what a feeling of relief simply comes from sharing your story.

Missed ya today Em....must have not been able to get a signal - hope you're having a wonderful time!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Unmanageability

Good morning everyone! I brainstormed a little too much last nite about what I would write about today, since it's my 1st time stepping in for Em while she's on vacation. I thinkt the reason I couldn't come up with anything LAST nite was because I was getting all worked up about TODAY. In my Recovery, I've found that my alcoholic brain really starts messing with me when I don't live in the moment, one day at a time. When I start worrying about the tomorrows, I find myself falling back into bad behaviors. So I was so happy to wake up this morning, go for my walk and come back refreshed & ready to write.

I did a bit of reading in some of my self-help stash and this is what jumped out at me for today. Unmanageability - "What????.... my life was never unmanageable! Yes, I drank A LOT, but the house was always clean, the laundry always done, the boys were on-time to school, practices, etc., dinner was always on the table - my life was not unmanageable!" Before even choosing a program of Recovery, I knew a bit about the Program I eventually chose to become a member of and started "pre-reading" a bit in their literature. I completely admitted to myself that I was powerless over alcohol......I just had a really hard time with the "unmanageable" part...actually took me 3 yrs to admit that my life was unmanageable. What finally forced me to come to this realization was the fact that as time went on, all the day to day things, chores, etc. were still getting done, but my "alcohol obsessed mind" was getting stronger & gaining more & more control of my life. The last 6 months of my "drinking career" was pretty much consumed with "how, when & where" I would get my next drink. I began to "sluff off" on all that everyday stuff, I would lay around in my jams all day, in & out of sleep, watching TV all day long, getting NOTHING accomplished. I took a good look and by the Grace of God saw what he was trying to show me.....alcohol was beginning to turn the last corner in the race of my life and it was about ready to overtake me and win. I was not about to let this happen. When I realized this & started REALLY taking a good-hard look at how my husband and boys were acting/reacting around me & my drinking, how I was acting/reacting to life when I was drinking, I found that my life was DEFINITELY unmanageable - yes, all the "things/chores/etc." were getting done, but my emotional & spiritual life was bankrupt. I based manageability on "getting things done - tasks". That's not what I wanted my life to be about or defined by. So I did something about it and walked thru the doors to a Program of Recovery on 12/18/09 and it has been the best decision I've ever made in my life.

My hope for everyone out there still struggling today.....take a really good-hard look at your life in it's current condition - are you happy, can you look at yourself in the mirror every morning, do you feel spiritually fit, emotionally fit, are you grappling with fits of guilt every morning after drinking?....the list goes on & on. Take a deep look at every aspect of your life and make your own personal decision as to whether or not you consider yourself alcoholic.......if your answer is yes, do some independent research into some different avenues of recovery.....I personally believe that taking personal action is THE first step on your journey to Recovery. I wish for all of you peace & serenity, as well as the willingness to get help. Hugs to all & have a Fabulous Sober Friday! We don't have to do this alone!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Off Line

It has come my attention that they have re aired the Dr. Phil show I was on. It is a bit ironic to me that this is occurring at the exact time I am going to be off line for the first time since emilyism started.

I am going on my annual sober camping trip for the weekend. I am sooo excited, but at the same time it is hard to know that the blog will be getting new friends and I may be getting a lot of emails that I can't check... this truly is a test of Letting go Letting God for me. Please know your important to me, and your important to this blog. Just because I don't get back to you doesn't mean I don't wish I could.

While I am gone Annette will be running the show! I am so blessed to have her in my life! Emilyism.com was build to be a safe place for people to come and get and give love and support. Please be kind to each other.

XOXO, Em

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Always a Champion to me!

Gav's team is the Little League All Start champions....at least to me! They actually lost last night, but they took it like champs, which make them champions in my eyes!!!

Way to go guys! YOU ROCK!

Dear God,

Please keep your arm over my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Thank you,
Em

Sent from my iPhone

Perseverance

That's what I'm trying to do these day...persevere...walk through it, hopefully with grace and courage. To face the things I am scared of is hard, but then finding out there was nothing to be scared of at all is amazing.

It is a super busy crazy week around here. If you follow me on twitter you know Gav is kicking butt in All Starts. They are doing so well in fact that I am freaking that I may miss his game on Friday, I'm going on a camping trip this weekend that has been planned like forever. Dang-it! I am leaving it all in God's hands (like it's not already:) One Game at a Time...Gooooooooooooo Gavin!!!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Daily Meditation

Do not climb the hill until you get to it.
-English Proverb
As each day goes by we gain a clearer perspective of our lives. We realize that our recovery program is our most important priority.
Our meetings help us shut off the voices that tell us to solve tomorrow's problems today. We pray a meditate on the things that are directly in front of us. When we own the present we have peace of mind. When we rent the future we find trouble.
-Easy Does it-
Hazelden Meditation

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

I'm up, awake and have not forgotten about Sobriety Sunday.

Have I told you guys about my Sunday meeting? It is amazing. The women are wonderful, and like my Thursday meeting we are very close. I wish that for everyone. When I think back to my first year, I didn't have that...it was tuff, and lonely. So if your beginning your journey and struggling to find your place, know that you will, in God's time.

Until then may you find that warm, safe place here. Know that you are loved and that each time you share and comment you are blessing someones heart. That's how it works!

HAPPY SUNDAY!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Friday Fun Day

I'm not sure what were going to do for Friday Fun Day, but I'm sure it's going to be fun, fun, fun!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Sad

I'm a little bit sad today. The heart thing still I'm sure. Sick of it
I tell ya! I try not to analyze it to much and just feel it and hope
it passes...I'm going to be sooo much more senstive the next time one
of my girlfriends have a broken heart. I was totally the girl who was
all "take this time to get healthy and to make yourself the strong
amazing women you are." not realizing though that may be good advice,
it is easier said than done when you are feeling super weak and
broken. So if you one of my girlfriends and I was ever insenstive
about your broken heart or the time it took to get over it... I AM
SORRY! {BIG HUG}


Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Solution

Sometimes it is hard for me not to talk openly about the solutionI use on here. Today I am in enough pain to start on what I find to be the hardest part of the program I stay sober in. It is the process (or step:) where you prepare to right your wrongs. Yes, after 2 1/2 years there is still stuff I have not cleaned up. I have shame tied to that, which I think has been stopping me from doing this life changing process. It's silly really, I know amazing things will happen after I do it. I know this because I have done it, and they have. I wonder if one day I will just do what I know I'm supposed to, instead of waiting for pain to push me into it. I really am a pain in the ass. But I know God loves me anyway, so I'm all good. Off to do some work.

Good Morning

I am up and ready to go to my morning meeting. Which is a very good thing, as I ran into {name withheld} last night, it sucked, and was painful and threw me all off track. I'm so not over it yet. I can't wait till the day I am, but that day is not today:( I am trying to learn what I need to learn from this and accept and embrace my feelings. I am also trying to remember that this is my first heartbreak in sobriety, and that it's supposed to hurt. And then when I can, I try to be grateful that I feel my feelings at all today.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Dating Sober?

Still not ready, and on top of that it is becoming more and more clear to me that dating sober may be way more of a challenge than I had first thought. It dawned on me that my concept of when you met the right person all discomfort and anxiety would fade away, may be bull...and just maybe the reason it happened like that every time is because I was loaded...crap! Or maybe not, who knows!?

I love Tuesdays!

I have a fun filled day today! I am chairing a meeting, meeting a friend for coffee and then going to watch another friend pick up her 30 day chip. GO HER!!! GO HER!!!

I love days that are full of recovery!

Monday, June 14, 2010

No God, no God. Know God, know God.

That's not the life...

ME: God I'm angry. Why is everything so hard?
GOD: Are you doing things on your own without my help?
ME: Yes.
GOD: Well try my help.
ME: I am tired and worn out and please let there be more peace in the world.
GOD: What is it that is troubling you?
ME: Well, I'm holding onto an old relationship.
GOD: If you let it go I will give you a new one.
ME: I seem to allow myself to get very hurt by my family still.
GOD: Do you bring me when you are in their presents?
ME: No.
GOD: I will help you if you let me. But I need you to let me go with you.
ME: I cried on Christmas and didn't realize that I wanted new things from an old past. I filled my day with plan so I would be safe from not being alone and ended up being lonelier than if I had been alone.
GOD: Did you pray before the day began?
ME: No.
GOD: Was I invited on your journey?
ME: No.
GOD: Pain is a part of life but the life I have planned for you is balanced rather then out weighed by pain. It is your choice to choose, your life or my life for you. The difference is the amount of pain.
ME: I choose the life you have planned for me.

Here is another of my dear friend Merry's writings. This one really hits home for me. I love it, and her!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

People just don't understand

It dawned on me the other day that not everyone in my life understands that alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease. If I'm not careful and diligent about my recovery, I will lose my freedom, sanity and eventually my life. I wouldn't be sober today if I didn't believe that full heartily.

I shared my frustration with an old timer (someone who has been sober like forever) and she said "They just don't understand and most of them never will, stop trying to make them." I love old timers, always blunt and to the point.

You may find that many of your friends and family member will not understand your disease, at least not right away. That's why you'll read on here over and over again that face to face contact with other alcoholics is super important. It makes you feel less alone, to know you are understood. And I believe that without it you'll stay in the problem, instead of getting into the solution.

Friday, June 11, 2010

A quick Prayer

Dear God,
Something has got to give here, I am tired of worrying about money. It is stopping me from my primary purpose. I trust that you will take care of this, and in the mean I will go about our business and try to be patient. Thank you for taking such good care of me.
I love you,
Emily

Look what Beau brought home...

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Big Surf Rocks!

100 and Something

It is going to be like 100 and something today, so we are heading to the waterpark! I am so grateful that Gavin still wants me go. I know it is only a matter of time before he's all like "Really Mom, you're going?" I feel blessed and can't wait to hit the slides!

I will sooo post pictures when I get home.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

How do they know...

The only down side to living in an apartment is there's no place to run away. Today I was on an important phone call and the boys decided that it was a perfect time to beat on each other. It's like they instantly know when I'm on the phone. They can go all day without saying a word, I pick up the phone and -bam- it's on. Very annoying!!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Butterfly Kisses

Mrs. Annette has been blessed by a butterfly!

Summer Routine?

My routine is all out of whack. With the boys at the ages they are, it's impossible to have a routine during summer. Their all over the place. I am having to go with the flow. It's totally okay with me, I am more present and in moment with them than I ever have been. It is wonderful, I am enjoying this summer more than I ever have any other one. I have decided that as long as my meeting schedule stays some what the same, the rest can just flow:)

Monday, June 7, 2010

No longer

The other day I was thinking about how today I am free from the bondage of alcohol. Its no longer what I think about all day, it's no longer what I plan my activities around, it no longer keeps me hiding and feeling shame. It no longer controls my mind. I am free. Thank God.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

Yes, I totally forgot.

Sent from my iPhone

Gavin's Take

Gavin totally cracked me up today. I asked him how he liked our new home and he said "It all about the soda machine." We have a soda machine like 5 steps from our door! He feels that it's his very own. Fun, fun, fun!

Many of our fears are tissue paper thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.
-Brendan Francis

Sent using the Inspirational Quotes application for iPhone


Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Friday, June 4, 2010

Girls Night...Poolside

Tonight were doing girls night pool side...I'm soooo in need of girl
talk!

Sent from my iPhone

Wheels

Good Morning!

I have a few neat things coming up to share, but, for now I just wanted to pop in and say GOOD-MORNING!!

What does everyone have planned for the day?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Dreaming

Last night I dreamt wonderful dreams - it has been months since I have had any dreams at all. I have not slept peacefully over the past few months. Now, I am not a Doctor or a sleep expert, so I have no clue what it actually means to dream, but I think it's a good thing!

This morning I got up and made it to my morning meeting -hardly- I am totally out of the routine of going, but I made it. Lots of people noted that I sure looked better than I did when I came in...yup, no longer grey and sweaty and falling asleep at the table...My sponsor said she use to hope it all sunk in while I slept:) I think it must have! I love that meeting, it saved my life. I was so happy to be there, even though I still felt like falling asleep on the table:)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Stuff

Yesterday I was freaking out over the ton of stuff I had left after the garage sale. When I tell you guys I down-sized, what I mean is I only kept about 25% of my stuff. All that complaining and pain you read about was partly because of my attachment to stuff. But I did it, I got through it...

with a patio amount of 'stuff' left...

As you know Monday was a holiday, so when I called yesterday to get stuff picked up, no one could do it. I went to freak out, to panic, to decide it was the end of the world and that there was no possible way I could do it myself....What was I going to do? The stuff had to be gone!

Then the oddest thing went through my head..."What would a normal person do Emily?" I actually answered...load the shit in their car and donate it. So that's what I did. Five carloads later and bunch of trips to the garbage and the crap was gone:)

And normally I don't use the word normal, as I believe no one actually is... but I've decided I like it as a verb!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Still Alive

The move is complete:) I feel like a new women. I hoped I would, I prayed I would, and I do. Thank you God. And thank you all for your love and support! I am EXHAUSTED. Good-Night!