Monday, May 31, 2010

Women

Women are like the apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of
the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones, because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they get the rotten
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at
the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are
amazing! They have to wait for the right guy to come along. The one
who is brave enough to climb to the top of the tree!

My friend Stacy sent this and I think it is DARLING!


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Sunday, May 30, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

One Day at a Time
One day at a time teaches us to stay in a sane, natural way. It reminds us that we can't control the past. It reminds us that we can't control the future. We can only live in the present. We only have the moment. We only have today.
Before recovery worries about the past and the future put stress in our lives. We need to live in a way that doesn't put us in danger. We need to live in a way that lets us enjoy things. We need to live in a way that let's us stay close to others, ourselves and our higher power.
Prayer for the day:
Higher Power, teach me to really live One Day at a Time.
Action for the Day:
Today I'll keep reminding myself that I have moment. No more, no less. Am I using my moment the way my higher power would want me to?
"Keep it Simple"
-Hazelden Meditation-

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Garage Sale

The garage sale actually happened today! It was the last thing I felt like doing, in fact like yesterday, I almost didn't, but a friend showed up, then a good neighbor and helped to made it a success and we actually ended up having fun! I made some decent money, and got through it without a crying spell. YEAH!

I can't wait to walk away from my wreckage house for good and never look back. Going back and forth is getting hard...apartment/happy, house/mess, apartment/happy, house/mess, you get it...

Enough about me. How is everyone doing?

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Friday, May 28, 2010

Hope

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.'
-Unknown

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Harder than I thought...

Okay, so not sitting by my Mom at my Grandma's funeral is hitting me way harder than I thought it would. Really, I should have known it would be painful, but even after some sober time I'm still underestimate my feelings and do the whole -I'm fine deal- It is dangerous for us to do that, too many I'm fines- and we are a mass of emotional mess. I am starting to learn to respect my feeling and share them, they are there for a reason, not to get too caught up in, but also not to ignore. I'm going to respect that I'm grieving today and be easy on myself, instead of having the garage sale I had planned. Maybe tomorrow, but not today.

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Thursday, May 27, 2010

Inspirational Quote

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
-Dr. Seuss

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No Flinching

Today I was reminded that I am the girl who wrote -No Flinching- me this recovering alcoholic, who has been flinching like a mad women for months. If you missed the story, it's about this game I play with God, I go to worry and get into fear and a calm quite voice says -No Flinching- It reminds to worry not one bit, and to remember that God loves me and has this life of mine covered.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Attitude

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.
-Charles Swindoll

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Summer has started!

Well, it's the last day of school, summer break has officially begun! The boys have a half day today, so were taking our 4th graders (ooop... I mean big 5th graders) out to ice cream for an end of the year treat!

I am so glad to be sober, if I weren't, I would of been to drunk at this point to even fathom doing something normal like taking the boys to ice cream. It's weird to look back and see how "un" functioning I really was at the end. I thought I appeared to have it all together, but I so didn't, not at all. Today, I may not have it all together, but because of all the tools and lessons I have learned, I am way closer than I was. Thank you God!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

It's Good Enough

I just realized that I hadn't updated today. I don't have a whole heap to say tonight. Today I did some laundry, went to a meeting and took a hot tub...tis good enough:) I don't even have enough energy to kick my own ass over not doing enough, which is a good thing! Easy does it!

Okay, let's get honest here... how many of you beat yourself up for not getting done in a day what you thought you should have?

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Apartment

Here is the promised picture of our new apartment! The furniture fits perfectly and it feels just like home. With how I'm feeling right now, I am soooo grateful for that! Every time I walk in here I breathe a sigh of relief. The only thing it's missing is fans. I found some really neat ones on this super cool site.

I have a lot of work to do at the other house, which sucks! When I go in there I sigh, and it's not one of relief. It will forever be know as my wreckage house. Okay, maybe not forever, but for now I just want to be done with it.

What matters the most to me is the boys, and they're adjusting nicely! It is amazing how quickly kids adjust, I wish I still has that gift. It helps that we only moved like 3 blocks away. Beau's crews already checked it all out and Gavin's already had a friend spend the night, didn't take long! They are super excited for summer... 2 more days!

Recycling

It took me years to learn and create a habit of recycling -years- Now I move into an apartment, and they don't recycle!? It only took me a minute to make the decision to recycle anyway, even though it will be a bit of a pain. I don't have enough good habits to be getting rid of any:)

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

I am all out of sorts. Even picking a topic is hard. Yesterday, I handed my dog over to my Wasbeen, my Grandma passed away and my car battery went dead. If it is true that bad things happen in 3's I should be all good. I went to a meeting then went to sleep.

I guess the topic today will be gratitude...my dog now has doggie friends to play with and a pool to swim in, my Grandma is in a much better place and my car battery died in my driveway.

Please pray for my Mom, I wish I could be with her right now!

What are you grateful for today?

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Loss

Even though someone is elderly, and you know for sure it is their time, it is still hard. I love you, rest peacefully.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Exhausted

I am spiritually, mentally and physically exhausted, but we are sleeping in the new apartment tonight:) Thanks to Mike, Tracy, Beau and Mini! I love you guys! Thank you!

Something occurred this week that shook me to my core, but the show had to go on... no time for a melt down, this move had to happen. I actually cannot believe I got through it, sober and without smoking. Pain and change in sobriety is really difficult, but what an amazing accomplishment to be able to face what life hands you sober and with grace.

My new pad is soooo not picture ready, but as soon as it is you'll be first to see! I love it you guys, I really do! YEAH!

Pictures coming soon...

Pictures of the new apartment coming soon. Still a lot of back and
forth going on, but I'm almost there!

How is everyone doing?

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Finding Myself

"When your heart is broken you cannot find another until you first
find yourself."

I read this quote today and totally got it. That's what I am trying to do right now... find myself! I figure do it now, or do later, but everyones got to do it some time! No time like the present! I can't wait to find out who I am sober, what I like, and what I'm all about! Oh' and by the way I'm blogging from my new apartment:)


"You have not lived a perfect day... unless you have done something for someone who can never repay you."

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

A Crush

The other day I saw a really cute guy and found myself crushing on him. I thought to myself "OMG, you work." It's been a long time since I've even second glanced at anyone. I saw him again today, and it made me a little giddy, fun:) I'm still not ready to date, but I can feel my heart healing.

Service Work

I woke up this morning being attacked by my shitty committee (my low-self esteem team, that tells me I'm not good enough, and tries to take over.) Luckily, on Tuesdays I have a service commitment for the program I stay sober in. Which totally reminded me why service commitments are so important. There will be no getting back in bed, I have something important to do today, and for that I am grateful.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Today I am...

doing what's right in front of me, and remembering Easy Does It! I'll write more later, off to a meeting.

Today has been a good day so far, the 2 meetings I went to helped! I'm slowly moving things into our new home, it's turning out to be very therapeutic.

Now off to Gav's game! GO GAVIN!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

Triggers..,,

Feelings
Bars
Other people drinking
Smelling alcohol
The airport
Vacation
Change

Triggers are the worse! Mine are people drinking normally on tv and airports. They use to be strong, scary and powerful. Now they're just a fleeing thought that I find annoying. It does get better!

What are your triggers? And what do you do about them?

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Saturday, May 15, 2010

Water

Here is a picture I took on my hike. I had forgotten that Arizona even had water. I had also forgotten how very much I love it. I am a total water girl, always have been! It calms me and brings me peace. I just sat there playing in the sand and staring at the water, feeling a peace I haven't felt in months. If I could have, I would just pitched a tent and stayed there. Another thing I had forgotten, I am a total camper:)

Hiking

Me, hiking? Okay, I'm going to give it a shot. Wish me luck!

Friday, May 14, 2010

I'm not sure

I'm not really sure how I'm doing right now, I'm kind of just going with it. Reality that we are going from a house to an apartment set in...moment of grief...no backyard to mow...back into gratitude...the kitchen is small, where am I going to put all my stuff?...less to clean...back into gratitude...so on, so forth...

I do have a God story though....

I was talking to another alcoholic on the phone today and she invited me to this really great Women's step study meeting I've been meaning to go to forever, I told her I couldn't, that I had to pick my keys up at 11:00, then the other line beeped in, it was my apartment complex calling to switch it to 1:00. So I soooo went to the meeting, thank God, because had that not happened I wouldn't have gone to a meeting today... and I needed to. Sometimes God does for you what you cannot do for yourself.

Now, off to Gavin's Playoffs! GO GAVIN! GO GAVIN!

Today is the Day

Today is the day, I'm off to great places I'm off on my way! I get my keys today, thank God! I am soooo excited! I don't have to be out of my house until June 1st, so I'm just going to take my time and set our new home up exactly as I want to. It truly is a brand new start!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

What do you do with your feelings?

A BBF asked what I did with my feelings/cravings now that drinkings not an option. Great question!

So many of us masked, ignored and stuffed our emotions and feelings for so long that when they finally emerge it can be gut wrenching painful. But they pass, they really do. All we can do is try to learn from them, embracing them and trusting that they are there for a reason.

Here's some feeling healing things I do...

I let myself feel them and try to embrace and learn from them.

I try to remember that feelings are not facts, and that they will pass.

I try to identify them and why I'm having them. In the first year this
was almost impossible as I had rapid fire feelings all the time
(story coming soon)

I call another alcoholic and talk about them.

I call my counselor friend who helps give me the words to describe my feelings
- this was huge for me- the only feeling I could describe when I
started out was craving and anger.

I breath in with God out with self

I turn my will over...again and again and again

I drink calming tea

I take a bath

I try to write about it

I remind myself that it's not permanent, and that this too shall pass.

And most of all I try to remember that's Gods got this covered.

Hope that helps M! Xo

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Ummm a meeting?

My first solution to my anger problem today should have been to call another alcoholic and go to a meeting. Was it? -nope- I'm still such a pain. Good thing it's progress not perfection.

Angry Day

I'm an angry little shit today. It's a horrible. crappy feeling and one that totally reminds me of my drinking days.

I was angry all of the time when I was drinking. I remember when I first got sober, I would kind of like getting angry, it was like going back to this safe, familiar place. I don't feel that way about anger anymore -at all- It is not my friend, it is actually a scary place to be. But as I go to set up healthy boundaries and change things in my life I'm going to end up getting angry once in awhile, it's how I handle it that matters. Today I handled it crappy and had to give an amends.

I am so thankful today that I have steps to take, healthy people to talk to and an awesome God in charge of my life.

Summer

Gavin has been home sick two days, today may be day 3 (we're still undecided) Yesterday I thought to myself... I love you man, but it's time for you to go back to school. Then the next thought...OMGosh it's almost summer. Where have I been? Well, I'll tell you, I've been in complete denial. Denial that my little angels, along with all of their neighborhood friends are about to over take my days and nights...I need a vacation even thinking about it. I guess I'm glad I haven't been sitting around obsessing, nope not me, I just completely ignored it:)

The one really great thing about summer is I can go to my 7 am meeting every day! That way I can start my day calmly and patiently waiting for..."Mom, will you drive us to ?" This summer the answer will be "YES, YES, YES"

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Skipping into Excitement

As I make my way through my house and try to pack and clean my way out of it, I am noticing that I gave up on it a a long time ago. I guess I went with the theory that if I can't clean all of the kitchen cabinets, why clean any. I think because I could never get this house clean enough, I just gave up a long time ago. On the surface it looked kind of cute and organized, but underneath it was a mess....mmm, a little like me. I went to kick my own ass and I'm pretty sure God intervened and said "Easy now, look at how far you have come, just get through this."

I cannot wait for my fresh, new start. I can feel myself creeping out of fear and skipping into excitement.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Poor Gavie

Gavin stayed home sick from school today. He woke up in the middle of the night tossing his cookies, poor guy. Didn't get much better throughout the day, the only thing he could keep down was water. But like clockwork at 5:00, he decided he was all better and fine to play in his baseball game. Um, I think not dude:)

Because of you...

Because of you, I have a reason to get out of bed and say something positive.
Because of you, I know I am never alone.
Because of you, I am learning to accept what is, not what I want it to be.
Because of you, I see where I came from, what I need to work on, and where I want to go.
Because of you, I am a better person
Thank you

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

Happy, Happy Mother's Day everyone!

I am so happy to be present and sober today. I remember I spent one Mother's Day in bed, completely hung over, talk about guilt. They thought I was just taking my well deserved day off, while I knew I had drunk too much to function, much less appreciate how lucky I was to be a Mom. Today things are different. Thank God.

Gavin went to the store the other day to get my Mother's Day present. He bought me a beautiful glass blown flower with his own money, soooo sweet! I am so grateful that I was present to accept his token of love! He really is sooo stinking cute!

We are blessed to have this new chance at life, truly blessed!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Thought of the Day

I have had this little newspaper clipping on my fridge for years, with the move it is time to take it down, so I thought I would share it with you...

"My feeling is that there is nothing in life but refraining from hurting others and comforting those who are sad."

Friday, May 7, 2010

Morning Meeting Reminders

After my pity party today, I started counting my blessings.

Just one of them was by my bbf Annette, she's actually just a blessing all together, but do you know what she did for me once? I was slacking on meetings and really overwelmed with all the emails I was getting, and for weeks she sent me morning meeting reminders. They were
wonderful and unique and amazing! It was one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me.

So Annette know that you ROCK and I feel super blessed to have you in my
life!

Feeling...

Today I am feeling hurt...and it dawned on me -Omg you drank over every uncomfortable feeling you had (don't get me wrong I drank over the comfortable ones too) But looking at it sober is so strange, I don't remember feeling this badly, I was drunk way before this point...mentally and physically masking what was really going on with me. Now I can feel it, do I wish I could drink it away? Not at all, not anymore. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I know on the other side of this is something magical and beautiful, so I'm going to hang in there, and feel what I need to feel. Drinking to numb my pain worked for years until it didn't. I hear that's what happens to most alcoholics, it just stops working. You are miserable even with the drink, and in my case in trouble, and knowing more will come if you don't stop. Feeling my feelings is new and raw
and I'm hoping it will pass soon, but you know I actually feel grateful to be feeling my feelings at all.

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Thursday, May 6, 2010

Before Retiring

Dear Lord,
You got all this? Good deal, cause I so don't. I love you, and can
feel you carrying me right now, thank you.
You are my Hero,
Emily

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Dr. Phil

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Trust God

"Trust God, love people."

I heard this today and it's totally what I'm working on right now. While I was drinking my relationships were a mess, just like me. Much of it was corrected when I went sober, but not all of it. It is now time for me to look deeper into my part and correct it. In my life I have been terribly disappointed by people I trusted and counted on. Fair or unfair the only part I can look at is my own...Were my expectations too high? Was I trusting them instead of God? Did I love and accept them unconditionally? And what can I do to change my part in it, to better improve my present and future relationships (you know the one with my super, spiritual, prince charming that I'm sooo going to meet soon:)

Looking at our part in things isn't always easy, but always well worth it. We can't change others, but the good news is...with God's help we can change ourselves!

How is everyone doing today?


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Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A Pink Cloud

I've had kind of a "Pink Cloud Day" (a day where everything flows and you kind of float along with it) I heard the things I needed to hear to feel relief, I shared my "real" feelings, I'm chipped away at the things in my program I am trying to work on, it has been an all around good day. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and even though it is not necessarily what I want to be doing, it is the next right thing, so I'm sort of proud of myself today, I feel courageous and strong, it is nice.

What do you need?

When your harassing yourself, STOP. You do it when you need something. Figure out what you need and get it.

I loved this when I heard it. I am forever kicking my own ass and it kind of reminded me that I need to leap into action when that happens. Whether it be going to a meeting, journaling or just admitting that I need a hug, doing some kind of action almost always helps!

Monday, May 3, 2010

My Gratitude List

1. My Faith
2. My Sobriety
3. My Boys
4. My Friends & Family
5. My Dog
6. Little Leauge Games
7. The Roof Over my Head
8. Tea
9. Hot baths
10. The fact I am still not smoking:)

Even when times are the hardest, there is always, always something to be grateful for. What are you grateful for tonight?

Kindness

"Kindness is like a boomerang, it always returns."

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

HAPPY SUNDAY!!

For our Sobriety Sunday let's go over basics. Your having a hard time,
shit starting to hit the fan, or just out of no where you want a
drink. I remember once in my first year when I wanted to drink so
badly that I sat on my hands on the couch and prayed until the craving
went away, it was scary, but it did go away!

Here are some of the basics....
Pray
Go to a meeting
Call another alcoholic
Remember it's one day at a time
Read a book
Take a bath
Eat some chocolate
Comment on here
Sit on your hands on the couch:)

There's a million tricks out there. What are yours?

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Saturday, May 1, 2010

Before Retiring

Dear Lord,
I can't, you can, I'm totally going to let you.
I love you,
Emily

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From Minute to Minute

Someone asked me once if it was hard to write about myself so early in recovery, when I'm changing minute to minute. I didn't really get what he was asking me at the time, but I totally do now. Like the layers of the onion, more has been reveled. I am evolving at a rate that I can't really comprehend, much less write about. I am seeing defects, along with assets about myself that I was completely unaware of. Things are changing in me that I have wanted changed for a long time, it's amazing really. I would try and try to change them on my own and fail each time, it's proof to me that things change in God's time not mine.