Sunday, February 28, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

Feelings, lets talk about feelings.

When I first got sober what I remember the most is feelings, all of the feelings. It was like I was feeling, feelings I had suppressed for years all at once. Even though my brain was starting to get straightened out, I was still one big feeling. Another sober person once told me "If it didn't get better do you actually think I'd still be sober?" that helped, that gave me enough hope to hang on and allow myself time to heal, which I'm still doing.

How are you feeling?

25 comments:

  1. That is gives us all hope. my feelings are all over the place, but it feels good when you wake up in the morning and can sort through them with out a hangover!! i think I did try to drink away my feelings and insecurities. Thanks for posting that Emily!!! Have a great day everyone!!

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  2. When I worked in a convenience store many years ago I used to say that my job was great except for the customers. When I left my job, it was the customers I missed the most (well, some of them, anyway). Feelings? Yep...got em.

    namaste

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  3. I'm feeling desperate. Emily, when does it start to get better?

    Montana

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  4. Once you get face to face help, have you done that? Try praying and then writing in your journal. XO, Em

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  5. Feelings, feelings, feelings... I hate when my feelings and my thoughts are on different ends of the universe. How can I logically work through a situation but have feelings that don't match those thoughts. I try firing the committee but they keep showing up as volunteers! It really puts me out of whack. I feel so much better when my feelings and thoughts are on the same plane. When I get in this space, all I know to do is to Let Go and Let God. Why is it that everything I let go of ends have claw marks left on them rather than me just letting go in a civilized manner!!!! I having a tough time determining what's mine. I guess I need the courage to LET GO!

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  6. Right now it's depression. I make mistakes. I unintentionally hurt other people at times & don't realize it. It's hard to go back & correct mistakes, but it has to be done. Wish I could see my mistakes coming, but some slip by like that fastball on the outside corner. (sticking with the baseball theme) I guess it's ok to strike out once in awhile, as long as you learn from it. Repititous mistakes really piss me off, but I need to be kinder to myself too, or the depression will really set in...

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  7. Randy, Hey, don't be so hard on my friend, your a great guy! Sounds to me that your talking about learning the hard way, I am often learning things that way, dang it, but I normally learn a lot from it. None of us should be to hard on ourselves, life is hard enough without us beating ourselves up! Easy does it!

    In Revcovery, well said! Em

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  8. hi I am just now seeing the causes of my failure as a mother.Especially in my daughter who is only 4.I feel Ive let her down the most.I now have to face a hard reality and try to fix the mistakes that have been made.THe reality is right now I hate myself for what I put my children through and my husband.I also let myself down big time. Iam afraid to fail again. Lord knows I don't want to. I guess just take day by day and minute by minute.Any words of inspiration.I mean I feel like iam going crazy so many emotions and so much guilt.

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  9. feelings emotions pain how hard it is to not have the alochole to mask the feelings I try to focuse on the positive feelings and emotions but the pain the hurt comes on like a tsunami and you never know when it is hard I try to fill the voids especially at night with positive addictions but i am not sure that is healthy either?

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  10. How do I feel?
    14 days sober and I feel like I have a scream trapped inside of me. And no matter how loud I yell it doesn't dissipate. Mood swings that I can't predict, nor can I control them. So much anger and sadness all wrapped around each other, that I am unable to define much of anything.
    I want to know that all this will subside at some point, the head crazies, the ache, the unfocused thoughts, being missiled by the next emotional wave, all that self hate and disappointment.
    I want to learn how to hold myself and not drown myself. And perhaps even someday be fit once again for human consumption.

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  11. My feelings are tremendous guilt. I'm just starting on my journey and know there's nothing I can do about the past. Yet, I still can't get beyond it .. how have others dealt with this?

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  12. Hi everyone! I am new to this site, saw it on one of Dr. Phil's episodes. So, tomorrow is going to be my day one. I am terrified. I really don't know if I can do this but, I'm going to try. Any words of wisdom for someone going sober for the first time? I really don't even know where to start. I know AA has helped a lot of people and after posting this I'm going to find some meetings to attend. But, other then that I really don't know what to do. All I do know is that I can't live like this anymore. I'm hurting everyone around me and no one in my life deserves to have to deal with me being drunk all the time. I'm not real familiar with how this site works or if there are ways for people to connect one on one but, I am open for any comments or emails that you may have. I know having friends that have been down this road or are going thru the same thing would really help so, if there's anyone out there that would be willing to talk I'd really appreciate it! Thanks Emily for this site. It really helps to see that sobriety is possible!

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  13. Thanks for your comment Emily, & In recovery. Took a nap, woke up & started the day all over again, a few prayers, a few deep breaths, a better outlook, & moving on. It works when you work it...

    Looks like you touched off a little storm with this topic Emily, nice job, gets people thinking, & thinking about sobriety. A great start!
    For all those with the guilt issues. Still, finding a place for face to face interaction with other alcoholics is your best opportunity to find those answers. For now, like Em told me earlier, "life is hard enough without us beating ourselves up." Do what you can do today. Start your sobriety today, live in today...

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  14. feeling numb w a side order of auto pilot..got way too much going on right now that I am afraid to actually feel any of it..somehow I ended up on auto pilot, one foot in front of the other, going through the motions w out using. My husband came home w a bottle of wine the other night (I have a little over 4 months) he knows I break out w suicidal ideation when I drink, but WTF he brought it home anyway.......well I declined, held his glass in my hand, smelled it, but decided against it..the truth behind that, he only had one bottle and that is no where enough for this alcoholic. I also fast forwarded through the evening to the psycho drunk I become when I do use ( I am sure he would have run out for another bottle, or that I could find something to mix w the alcohol in order to escape my reality)...but I declined (I have become afraid of who I become when I drink) and added another day to my sober self......I should be proud of myself, but I am just numb, and alone, but sober so thats cool for now.

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  15. I am feeling a little cranky on my 7th day, but glad not to succumb to my nightly bottle (sometimes more) of wine.
    I too have had some guilt, but can't change the past. I can only prepare for the future and be a better/sober mother and wife.
    Things are much easier to handle sober. After I saw a CT Scan of an alcoholic brain I realized that alcohol has horrific, permanent effects on the brain. That is one thing I think of as well as checking in with Emilyism when I feel like drinking. Thank you, Emily!!!

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  16. when i feel scared,down, sad, guilty, envious or begin to think "poor me" (pour, pour, pour me another one)i force myself to think, say out loud or write down (whatever works for you)....all the things or even just one thing i am grateful for.....if i can stay grateful, i can usually redirect the negative thinking....new to sobriety and having a hard time finding things to be grateful for- be grateful for em's bravery in reaching out, her blog connecting you to others exactly like you, and that today you are alive- other still sick and suffering alcoholics didnt make it to today
    it gets better, it can be beautiful!!
    TCinNJ

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  17. Been in recovery almost 5 yrs.....I read this the other day and it helps me. When you wake up in the morning, say to yourself... "Just for today, I will get off my own back". It's challenging enough to stop using. Why add hardship to your recovery process by beating yourself up. Be kind to yourself no matter how guilty you may feel. You deserve a new life no matter how bad you think you've been. . Feel the guilt, then try your hardest to be done with it. I promise it's okay to start forgiving yourself.

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  18. I feel awesome because I made it through my first week of sobriety and the weekend too. All this time taking sleeping pills and then starting wine again destroyed any motivation for me to take care of myself. After just a week I see a tremendous change in my attitude. Before, feeling depressed about where in the world my motivation went was a bad cycle making me feel ever more hopeless and then drinking and taking sleeping pills made me feel ever more helpless and in need of compensation which just continued the deadly cycle. I'm so happy today. Thats how I feel......

    Ladybug

    Ladybug

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  19. Hello, Anonymous at 8:07 p.m. --

    Can you let us know where we can see these CT images on-line?

    Thanks

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  20. For me, what I have to remember no matter what my feelings are at the moment is DO NOT DRINK! I feel if I DO NOT DRINK then I can tackle everything else in God's time.

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  21. Where I saw the CT scan was on Celebrity Rehab and here is the Link.They did a CT on a NBA player and trtying to show Him how Alcohol was affecting His Brain..Im still drinking But Im praying everyday that Tomorrow will be the Day ..Here is the link..http://www.vh1.com/shows/celebrity_rehab_with_dr_drew/season_3/series.jhtml

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  22. i, too saw this on the dr.phil show . today will be my day#1 and i'm scared.

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  23. Is it possible to feel so terribly and also feel so hopeful at the same time. I feel in my heart that I've f*d up badly, but I still see myself as able to do it. I sometimes feel that is a sick way of being, almost a sort of denial, which scares me. I will sometimes come on here and write but then delete just to get it out. But some feelings are so painful that I can't follow through. I see my little guys face at how accustomed he became with my lack of parenting. That face haunts me to this day because he shouldn't have to feel ok with neglect. I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel lost because I don't know where to begin. Who am I without it? What do I like? What can I do? I don't know me without it, and I am scared I don't have a me that is at all interesting anymore. That makes me want to stay sick because it is easier. I don't HAVE to think this way. I can just stay in the pity phase and keep blaming it for why I can't move on. I feel sad, scared, and hopeless...and yet hopeful??? I am a mess...

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  24. Anonymous-Don't give up. You will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You will start to feel better than you have felt in a long time. Just remember your little one loves you!!!!!
    Keep checking in with this site, it will make a HUGE difference for you.

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  25. In regard to everyone's feelings of anxiety, depression, being pissed off, not understanding what you're feeling exactly, wanting to drink, not wanting to drink, thinking about the past & getting more depressed, struggling to be social & nice when everyone else is drinking & you're not - I went through all of these things too........when I was trying to fight this thing on my own. Once I gave up and started going to my meetings & getting a sponsor, all these things slowly disipated and/or disappeared because I had an Anonymous group of people that knew what I was feeling, had felt that way themselves at some time or another, got through it & showed me several different ways to get through it. All of these feelings/things are also addressed and figured out by working my program, step by step. I'm getting ready to do my step 4 which is dealing & owning a lot of my actions, feelings, resentments & fears from my past. I had a rough weekend myself (YES, Ms. Happy to be Sober had a really bad weekend!). I attended a regional meeting with about 1750 other alcoholics & was quite overwhelmed. I'm not going to get into the details of my feelings, but suffice it to say, it was not a comfortable experience for me, but I did it as my sponsor asked me to go. I shared the feelings that I had about the regional meeting tonite with my homegroup and it felt really good to own my true feelings, share them out loud and know that I had no reason to have to defend my feelings. Just to let you know, they were not the nicest feelings to share with a group of people from all different kinds of backgrounds. But that's what the group is there for - to listen to each group member's honest thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc. and be non-judgmental at the same time. And that's exactly what happened - I got it out of me, feel 100% better now - and come to find out, a few others felt just as I did after the regional meeting - so again, I am NOT ALONE in my extreme, sometimes hurtful, egotistical feelings. And it's okay - I can FEEL what I REALLY, TRULY FEEL - I don't have to mask my feelings with alcohol or lies - I CAN BE ME......and my group helps me everyday in becoming a BETTER ME!!! From my experiences, the face to face meetings are the way to go.....if anything, try it - if it's not for you, don't go back. You never know if something is worth it or beneficial until you try it.

    My best to all & for those that have stumbled, get right back on that horse called recovery & start fresh!!! We're behind you 150%!!!

    Hugs to All!!

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