Friday, February 26, 2010

My moment

When was your moment?

I had just gotten my DUI (which I got 14 days for and am still paying the fine off) I had a thought that kind of knocked me out of denial, I thought to myself "How are you going to get anywhere if you can't drink and drive." I knew I was screwed, I drank all the time, and how the hell was I going to get more? Bam... I knew, I just I didn't ask for help that day, but very soon there after. If I got another one, that was like 6 months and I just wasn't willing to do that, no way. A million things were going on in my head, along with every excuse in the book, I don't know how I did it, well actually I do, thanks God!


  1. "wake up mommy".....that was my 2 and 5 yr old at my bedside, after an evening of drinking and mixing pills, and it finally hit me that this would be my children finding me dead, what if I didn't wake up, what if I had finally mixed the fatal concoction, and it would be my children who found see I had gotten to the point that I was writing a "just in case" letter to everyone, I wanted to explain that my death was sick is that, but I hardly ever drank without adding to the mix, whether it was clonopin, pain killers, antidepressants, basically whatever I had on hand that would put me a little further into oblivian, thats what my life had become, passively suicidal, just waiting to see what would shrink tried to explain what would happen to my children after they suffered the death of their mother..... I cared just enough to admit that yes, I was resigned to the fact that I might not wake up, and finally decided to try to change the ending of my story...I detoxed in a locked psych ward, started going to meetings, trying to re-write my final letter. That was a little over 2 yrs ago, and here I am today with a little over 4 months sober, taking it 5 minutes at a time...

  2. I have a question for wipsnide that I'm hoping he can answer: a couple of times you've mentioned you quit drinking long before you went to meetings and there is a world of difference between quitting and surrendering. Can you explain that some more? I don't understand it yet. Or maybe Emily can post about that sometime.



  3. Hi Emily and everyone else, busy morning, but off to my 1st meeting, keep your fingers crossed, I'm nervous, it's at 12 and it 11:12 now,

    Let you know, wishing the best to you all!!!!

  4. TPL:

    Thank you for that story, so much. Gave me shivers. You can keep doing it :-)

  5. Will do Montana, & I will try & keep "MY Moment" as short as possible.
    I had told my veteran alanon new wife & myself I was going to cut down. Short version, it didn't work. I went out on my step-son's outing, A Day at the Races,(horses) bus trip w/ booze, open bar at track etc. I told myself I would pace myself, didn't work. Returned to the bar, closed that, 15 hrs. of drinking. At the bar, my H.P. gave me an out of body experience, I could see myself from above & to the right, saw myself as other's saw me, didn't like it, haven't had a drink since. End of story, short version...

    I quit like that for several years before I found my program of choice, surrenderd, & admitted I needed help to be, live, & stay sober. Durring that time I was a drunk running on an empty tank, very dangerous. Still depressed, blaming everyone for everything, dealing from the negative / dark side. My attitudes & outlooks were no different than when I drank, my relationships were still suffering from "alcoholic behavior" without the alcohol. Since I found my recovery system absolutely every aspect of my life has improved & progressing. My marriage is better, I am better, I am learning what makes me tick & becoming the person my H.P. wants me to be. My spirituality is centered & I know what to do, just have to do it...
    Hope this helps, it's what has been my experience, a work in progress...

  6. I'm not an alcoholic (though I'm probably co-dependent). I wanted to say that a testament to this disease is people who are willing to risk going to jail (AGAIN) for getting drunk. We have a dear friend who said to me after he first got out, "Barb, you know those stories about what happens in jail, right? Well, they're true." Two years later, he's back in for DUI. Breaks my heart. I'm happy for you.

  7. tpl....
    my god the phrasing you chose- "passively suicidal" describes to perfection my life 5 1/2 years ago....the horror, sickness, sadness and ultimately despair i felt, you shared profoundly and beautifully.
    i never thought i would live to see 30, but with so much help, love and direction....i have celebrated 7 yrs of marriage with the most supportive man in the world, bought a new home, mended old fractures caused by my drinking and most importantly am blessed to be the mother to a beautiful 3 1/2 yr old son, who loves me more than anything and with god'grace has never seen his mommy anything but sober......i have been so blessed and i am so grateful everyday
    TC from NJ