Friday, December 31, 2010

Be Still

I am having a hard time being still with myself today. I can feel myself looking outside of me to solve my problems and feel better...I spent year looking to fix my problems that way, and know dang good and well it doesn't work...Boys, food, shopping (well thinking about shopping) instead of just being still with what I'm feeling.

I ran away from my feelings with alcohol for so long that it really bothers me when I see myself picking up other things to get out of myself. I guess it comes down to the old trying to get away from my feelings deal...-again!-

The saying that comes to mind is "Be still, and know that I am God."

Dear Lord,
Help me to walk through, and embrace my feelings with grace and courage.
I love you,
Emily

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Hannah



I have very little to say today, so I think I'll let my darling assistant start her writing career.

hannah
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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

CRANKY

I am a total cranky ass today. I feel crabby to my core. It could be that I went to the doctor today and I weigh more than I have since I was pregnant. That does not make me happy. I know that I should be a bit easy on myself, as I did quit smoking this year. But still it sucks, and worse of all I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I guess that's what New Year resolutions are for.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A Book Tour




I am on a cyber book tour. What is that? I'm not quite sure except that I got to read an amazing book and write about it. I feel honored to have been asked.

I'm going to tell the truth here, cause this is my blog, and that's what I do. When the book first got here I was like "Holy Heck that's a long book, and where in the hell am I going to have the time to read it?"

The book is called The Wisdom to know the Difference, by Eileen Flanagan. This book is filled with an interesting collection of stories, theory's, and the authors unique perception. I really enjoyed the exercises and queries throughout the book. I enjoyed it, I really did, but it was a tiny bit book wordier than my liking, but if you've read this entire blog you know that's not saying much...

Would I recommend The Wisdom to know the Difference? Yes, and soon you will be able to find it on my bookshelf.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Thank You

Thank you...sometimes thank you is enough said.

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

If it weren't Sunday this post would be named ...holiday hang-over... which is what I have. The highs and lows I went through this holiday were tuff. And on top of that I ate everything in sight with sugar in it. I am a emotionally and physically hung-over Emily.

Also, I haven't been to a meeting in days. But you know what I didn't take a drink. In fact I didn't really even think about drinking (okay that's a lie...a bottle of vodka sitting out at a holiday party I went to did bugged...which had I been to a meeting probably wouldn't of) but besides that I was free of the obsessed of alcohol.

As we get ready to go into the New Year, I have a lot on my mind, a lot I want to work on. But I'm excited about it, excited what the New Year will bring. I'm hoping a hot new boyfriend...cause not having one this year was DEPRESSING!

Now it is meeting times, where I hope to regain some of my sanity lost during this lovley holiday season. xoxo

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Fabulous Friends

My friend Karri (the darling single girl in the photo above) had an open house today. There are so many transplants in Arizona many of us don't have much family here, if any...s0 it was wonderful to have a fun place to go and eat, and laugh, and love! Thanks Karri!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas

Bah-hum-bug!....I was fully okay with skipping the entire deal all together...until it showed up, and kept showing up...as to say "You're celebrating me, like it or not."

Don't get me wrong I love Jesus. BIG FAN! But I feel that I celebrate him every day...he is my light, and he knows that, and I don't think he wants anything from me for his Birthday other than to be kind...and he would like me to do that all year, not just in December.

I never feel that I 'do' Christmas well enough, there's always this feeling of underline feeling of failure, like I've disappointed everyone.

And top of that I'm a bit sad about not having a somebod special... I know this isn't very positive, but 3 days and the damn deals over...which makes me :)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

What it was like....

It's so weird to think about what it was like. I was a mess. An angry, opinionated, know it all...I told everyone how to run their life as mine was falling apart.

I spent most of my time getting hammered in the local dive bars, then driving home drunk out of my mind, to pass out out, and quite often peeing my pants...classy I tell ya.

In the finally years of my drinking I took every diagnose under the sun...depression, bi-polar, whatever...but an alcoholic...heck no...admitting that would have meant I had to quit drinking...Um I think not!

I knew, and I think they knew too. But what do you do when the person won't admit it? No doctor, friend, or family member could have convinced me that I was an alcoholic...I had to come to believe that on my own. I believe everyone does.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Pile Up

I have once again let my emotions pile up. I am the queen of "stuffing it" When I do that the emotions all come out later, sideways...I still have not talked to my sponsor about {namewithheld} being engaged...like that one didn't leave me sad, angry, resentful and feeling totally rejected. Instead of dealing with my feelings, they all came out sideways by me feeling reject by a guy I don't even know, and doesn't even know me. Damn-it...I'm such a pain.

So today I will be doing some work on my feelings...feelings, feelings, feelings...BLAH!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Dating

Come to find out dating is a little hard on the old self-esteem. Even though I try to follow the agreement... -Don't take anything personally-... It's a little hard not to take it personally when they don't call. But whatever!

Every time I go on a date I run back to the "I'm not ready to date" place. Last time I shared this with my sponsor she said "You know how you get ready to date? By dating." Well I did, and now I feel rejected. Dating sucks!

I know husbands can also be a pain in the ass. But if you have one give him a hug...and remember at least your not out there trying to date...hahahaha

Change....

not a big fan. I am a total creature of habit. Which I think is why drinking on the patio night after after night, after night was my thing. I fall into bad habits in an insta second. And in the case of alcohol that habit became an addiction. In my life today I have be really careful not to pick up new bad habits. (food, shopping, men...so on:)

Now more about change...change is actually the only way to grow. So as much as I dislike the discomfort of change, I try very hard to embrace it. Sometimes walking through it goes against every grain of my being, but I do it because it has been proven to me time and time again that when I do walk through pain and change what is one the other side is well worth it.

On my things to be changed agenda: NOT eating to feel better...

What's on yours?

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

I get asked a lot -Where or how do you even start?- I don't have any big wise words to answer that, expect to say you start with making a decision. A decision to actually look at and admit that alcohol is effecting your life in a negative way. That's were the denial system starts to get broken down. I guess if I had to call it something I would call it step 0.

If that's where you are (stuck in that place where you know you have a problem, but are scared and not quite sure how to go about changing it) know that there is a solution, you are not alone, and when your ready ask for help.

I'm going to talk about the stage before my journey in recovery a lot for the rest of the month, I would love if you guys could share about your experience with your final stage of drinking...your bottom or whatever along with me.

Happy Sunday! XO

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Crazy Busy, Happy Life

Is not an excuse not to go to a meetings. I haven't been to one in 4
days. I know better, I really do. As my life starts to get fuller it
is super, super important that I put God and my recovery program
first. I've heard plenty o times that whatever you put before recovery
you'll lose...so tomorrow I'm off to a meeting!!!

Dear Lord,
Thank you for the blessings in my life. Help me to stay balanced.
I love you,
Emily

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, December 17, 2010

It is Perfect

When my boys were young Christmas was all about -perfect- The perfect tree, the perfect presents, the perfect family. I went as far as making them wait until I brushed their hair Christmas morning before they could open their presents. Perfect, perfect, perfect.

Sobriety has taught me that it is perfect, it is perfect just they way it is. This year especially. We have no money, and I hear the recession has even hit the North Pole...but we are making the best of it.

Gavin and I went shopping, are decorating the Christmas tree, then heading to the Winter Wonderland in our neighborhood. See perfect!

Heart-Hugs

This is from my dear friend Sara's book -Heart-Hugs- She is a amazing inspirational person, and it is a wonderfully inspirational book. I am proud to know her.

Heart-Hug #4
I am Whole and Complete just the way I am.
Nothing from the outer worlds is needed to complete you; that is only a illusion of an ego-centered mind.
-You are so much more than this part of your mind will ever allow you to be.
You have a past, you are not your past. Whatever you experienced in your life that caused you to fell deficient or unworthy can also be seen as a gift for healing; it is always about your perception.
-You are free in this moment to see through fresh eyes and reconnect to your wholeness.
That is just a tiny piece of her inspirational book. I read a heart hug a day! Look for Sara's book soon on my safari book shelf!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Dear Lord,

Please guide this blog. Help us to be kind and good to each other. May it grow into and become what ever you mean it to be.
I love you,
Emily

Happy 2 years to Mommaof3!!!

Sent from my iPhone

Drunk Dialing

During the last few years of my drinking all I really wanted to do was sit on the back patio and drink. If I couldn't find someone to drink with, I would drunk dial whoever would listen. I created mass drama via the telephone and woke up every morning with total fear and regret about who I called, or what I had said. Looking back, it was horrible, but at the time it seemed totally normal, it's just what I did. It took me months in sobriety to have a comfortable phone conversation (maybe it was God's way - shhhh, My child - you have talked enough:)

I am so grateful to wake up in the morning and not have to wonder who I called, or what I said.

My drunk dialing cycle looked something like this...

get drunk-drunk dial-pass out-wake up sad and scared about who I called and what I said-drink to feel better-drunk dial-passout- then wake up sad and scared about who I called and what I said-drink to feel better-drunk dial-passout-wake up feeling sad and scared about who I called and what I said....

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." -Albert Einstein

Holidays

The holidays can hard, really hard. Hang on tight guys....Let's work over-time on loving and supporting each other. That's what it's all about.

I heard a great holiday hint the other day and wanted to share it with you....

If you go out to a holiday party decide what you're going to order to drink before you go...way less chances of slipping up that way.

I also always make sure I have the ability to leave whenever I need to. Sometimes I can hang all night, sometimes only for an hour. But when it's time to go I need to go.

What are you favorite holiday hints?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Drama

Being excited about something sort of scares me. It reminds me of the days when sick excitement is what I lived for...other wise known as drama. I seemed to enjoy it so much during my drinking days that when it wasn't around I was sure to create it. I was a drunk dialing, bar hoping, drama queen.

I'm not anymore. In fact I hate to say this, but these days I'm a little bit boring. And avoid drama like the plague. It does nothing for me anymore.

I'm sorta excited about something right now, really excited actually and it scared me today. So I called a friend and talked about it...come to find out it is okay to be excited about things as long as your still in reality:) Thank goodness for good friends!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Happy

I am so happy that I am scared to even talk about it, scared it might slip away. Selfish I guess. My life is far from perfect, but in spite of that I am content and at peace, and as others have pointed out obnoxiously happy. It is flipping great. And I am going to ride it out as long as I possible can.

It happens guys, I promise.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Pray

"courage is just fear thats said its prayers"

Sent from my iPhone

Love

"If you put out nothing but kindness and love you will get back kindness and love, and if you don't you won't care"

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

This was the best, craziest weekend I've had in like ever! I went to dinner at the mall with the crew on Friday, worked at out local tree lighting festival last night, and hung with Beau today. It was an all around great weekend! Tiring, but great!! I am happier than I have been in a very long time. It is nice.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Friday, December 10, 2010

Letting it all out

Okay I've been holding in lot in...and I mean a lot! And it's not good for me. I don't share everything on here in order to protect others. Just because I choose to put my life out on there world-wide web doesn't mean they do. But I need to get some of it out...

My teenager snuck out the other night. One more thing crossed off on my list of things my kid will never do. I didn't stocker call him, or freak out, I just went back to sleep in his bed. That's what he came home to, I'm thinking he'll probably never forget it. To say the least he is grounded, but I almost think going to sneak back through your window to find your Mom in your bed is punishment enough.

'Oh and I found out my x-boyfriend is engaged...RAD! As much as I want to be happy for him, I'm not, at least not yet.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Easy Does It

I'm really tired these days. I don't know if I'm starting to get sick, or if it's the stress of the holidays, or possibly the fun of raising a teenager. I don't know, but I do know I'm tired. Which for me if ignored can be dangerous. I need to remember to H.A.L.T and ask myself am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? If I ignore anyone of those things I normally have a melt down, and my old behavior comes rolling back, I turn out needing to make amends all over the place, and eventually the desire to drink comes back. Not pretty!

So today I am going to baby myself, eat really well, and possibly take a nap. Easy does it, everyone, easy does it!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Balance

I'm having a really hard time finding mine. The housework, sobriety, working, the kids. I'm doing all of it, but I don't feel like I'm doing any of it well. Part of that may be that I never feel like I am doing anything good enough...but the other part is actually my lack of balance.

I will pray for balance. And in the mean time I will worry less about what is not getting done and more about the fact that I lay my head on the pillow every night sober, and happy!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Taking it well

Last night my teenager {information withheld) and this morning I woke up to a dead battery. I refuse to let my day be ruined.

I am going to do the computer work that I need to do...try to find someone to jump my battery...pray that I don't need a new one...and be thankful that today I can walk through whatever is handed to me sober and without freaking out.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

I'm a little off today. Don't know why. It happens I guess.

I am going to my Sunday meeting, which I love! The group of women there is amazing! I am finding that I am working very hard on my sobriety these days. As more is being added to my life I am figuring out that my sobriety must come first. For without it there is no life. I have a friend who always says that whatever you put before sobriety you'll lose. I'm not really up to losing anything so sobriety it is.

This week along with staying focused on my sobriety, I am also going to be working on my family. We haven't been eating dinner together, or having family night. I'm over having to do it ever night, but a few times a week is important -really important- So this week we'll be getting back on track with that.

How is everyone doing?

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Relearning-Everything

I truly am. This brand new life I have been blessed with is amazing. I am so happy. The fact that I am getting to relearn everything is something I'm trying to embrace. Something I'm trying not to be super scared of. I am growing up...better late that never:)

I have learned so much in the last month. So much that I haven't quite processed it yet. When I do, you guys will be the first to know.

'Oh and talk about things to process... today at work we had physics, a palm reader, and a toe reader...not to worry everyone great things are to come...I am going to meet the love of my life while dating someone else, be married by the time I'm 39, move to LA, and possibly have another baby...I added in that I'm also going to be on Oprah...there not the only psychics in town...hahahahah...

Dear Lord,

Help us to do the things we should. To be to others kind and good. In all our work and all our play to grow more loving everyday. Amen

Friday, December 3, 2010

Helping Another Alcoholic

It's amazing to me how willing to help I am. It's like when that call comes in nothing else matters. I will do anything to help another alcoholic. I do this so willingly because someone did it for me. They didn't pause or hesitate, they just helped me and loved me. It was amazing. And I see it as my job forever more to give that kindness and love back. It is my primary purpose in life.

And every time I go to forget the phone seems to ring with needing help. For that I am grateful.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Asking for what I'm worth

Asking for what I'm worth is not easy for me. I don't know why. But I'm thinking the reason isn't pretty. Something like thinking I'm not worthy of anything. Which is crap, I know it's crap, but still it's there. That fear of asking for what I deserve. I hate that word... deserve.

I'm struggling with finances, always struggling with finances. When I meditate about it what comes to me is that if I don't ask for what I'm worth, I'm going to keep on getting what I'm getting.

This is the only thing I know to do..........

Dear Lord,
I give to you my financial fear. Please replace with financial abundance. I am tired of being scared. Please lift it. I give it to you Lord Jesus Christ.
I love you,
Emily

Hearing what you need too...

Yesterday I heard someone say "Do today what is going to make you feel good tomorrow." Holy Crap what a concept. Hearing that changed me, I'm not sure how yet, but it did!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Crybaby

Today I was at work and I totally started crying. I could bullshit you and tell you the old standered line of I don't even know why, or blame it on PMS or something...but that would be bull. I know why...lots of different reasons really...I'm getting sick of sucking it up...I look on the brighter side of everything almost every day of my life...I am almost always in a state of gratitude...but today I feel weak, I feel like I have been being strong, so strong for like ever...and I'm tired...and lonely...and sad...

So today I'm just going to allow myself to be a crybaby.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I'll do it when....

I'll date when...I'll start working-out when...I'll eat healthier when...I quit smoking when...I'll quit drinking when...

You know when when is?...it's right now, it's today, in fact it could be right this second.

I guess today I feel that NIKE has it right...JUST DO IT!

Monday, November 29, 2010

At Home

Blogging from home.... 'Oh how I've missed it.

It was really hard to write from my heart while not at home. I was starting to feel that I just needed to get some where to be able to update, instead of focusing on what I was writing. But I'm back!

I am doing well. But still totally striving for and struggling with finding some kind of routine and constancy in my life. It often feels that it is the little things that I struggle with the most...laundry, dishes, etc. I have this vision in my head that it is to be perfectly done all of the time...I fail time and time again. I guess it's time to finally release the idea of perfection and just except that doing my best is good enough...As for now I am going back to flying.

The holiday was great. It was wonderful spending time with my Mom. She truly is one of the strongest people I know. We ate like complete crap and it will take days to detox off all of the sugar. But it was worth it!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

Coming soon.....

We are back on line at home, for how long who knows...but it's great! I haven't been able to work from home on my new computer since I got it. I'm not sure If I told you all but emilyism.com got a computer donated. Which if you've read through this blog you know was much needed. The amazing guy that donated the computer's name is Lester, and he did it expecting nothing in return. I heard recently that he's looking for a job. I so wish I could give him one, but it's not in the budget. But maybe you can.....check him out, he'd get a letter of recommendation from me for sure!....Lester

Sorry for the super late post, but we just got everything working again. I'm looking so forward to blogging whenever I feel like it!!!



Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, November 27, 2010

A great day, besides getting older

I just looked at my hands -really looked at them- and I do not like
what I saw, at all! Sure as shit I am getting older. And my hand are
starting to showing it. Damn it! I don't remember giving my body
approval to age like that. Lotion from now on, lots and lots of lotion!

I actually have way bigger fish to fry than the rapidly aging
apperance of my hands, but whatever:)

Today I had a pretty great day (besides feeling a little bit old) I
went to the farmers market with a friend, and now I'm getting ready to
go to church with my Mom.

I'm still suffering from a bit of a holiday hang-over, but plan in
going to bed super early to solve that!

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, November 26, 2010

Holiday Hang-Over

Totally have one...the eating of half a pie didn't help either. I just feel like laying around and doing a whole lot of nothing. I have watched Sex in the City 2 easily 4 times today....LOVE IT!

My Mom and I are going out to dinner to our BFF (best family friend) M.J tonight. It should be lots of fun! On top of a reason to get my holiday hung over ass off the couch.

How was every ones Thanksgiving?

Thursday, November 25, 2010


A Gratitude List

I find Thanksgiving to be a perfect day to write a gratitude list. Holidays are sometimes hard, and remembering what we're grateful for helps. I find it especially neat that our families (yup, ever the members who's necks we would like to wring) end up on our list...hehehe...I hope everyone is having a wonderful, fabulous Thanksgiving.

  1. God
  2. My children
  3. My family
  4. The roof over our heads
  5. Yummy food to eat
  6. And You!

Happy Thanksgiving

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Miracles come...

spontaneously to the heart that has opened and the mind that has surrendered its need to control or to know. -thank you Sara!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

3 Years Ago Today

3 years ago today I walked into my first meeting....and to say my life was forever changed is the understatement of the year. I went to quit drinking, and in return learned a entirely new and amazing way to live life. Being honest, putting others first, letting God be in charge, forgiving people. and myself...an amazing way to life, an amazing new life for me.

I must have looked like complete crap that day, because this morning when I picked up my chip everyone comment on how much better I looked. I came in grey, and sweaty, and wanting to die...My outsides matched my insides, sad and broken. I don't remember a word that was said that day. Only that they were laughing, and I was not. I couldn't fathom being able to laugh without drinking. I remember thinking -what in the hell are they laughing about, this is not funny-

I wanted what they had enough to come back the next day, and the next, and the next...until the days added up to 3 years.

Today I am grateful...so very grateful!

Monday, November 22, 2010

How are you doing?

How am I doing? You know what, I'm not sure. Good, fine, great actually better than I've been in like forever...but I'm sort of scared to say so, like if I do the pendulum will swing in the other direction.


I have a lot on my plate that may seem to the outside world worthy of freaking out over. But you know what? I'm not. It's the biggest thing I've learned in recovery. Freaking out doesn't change the outcome. It's going to be the way it's going to be regardless of whether I freak out or not. So I have decided to skip the freaking out all together and leave it to God.

Writers Block

I have it, and big time. My Mom is coming tomorrow, the house is a huge mess, and I am stressed. I have one of those Moms that just naturally keeps a immaculate house...the apple feel way far from the tree:) So tonights plan is to clean, clean, clean!

Tomorrow is my sobriety date...and a yummy white/w lemon filling cake has been ordered!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

I don't know what my problem is today, I'm really tired, and
cranky...pms I guess.

I wish I had wise words...or words at all today, but I don't. So you
know what I'm going back to bed. And will pray for a brilliant post
tomorrow!

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, November 19, 2010

Shout Out

There are two amazing women that I have to give a BIG shout out too...they made it possible for me to be film ready this last weekend... Ann took the Oscar the Grouch look out of my eyebrows. She is amazingly talented! And Rosa our fabulous AVON rep, choose and donated all of my make-up.

They are generous, and amazing, and I am grateful to have them in my life!

The count down...

It is almost my 3 year anniversary. It is a special one for me, as this has been the most challenging and painful year of my life....I felt every feeling, and it was brutal. It is also special because my first year anniversary I was in midst of a nervous breakdown, and year 2 I don't remember why, but I didn't give a shit. This year I care, I feel that I have earned it. And I want a damn cake, and a ton of hugs! 5 days to go...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Comments

Hey, it's been awhile since we've had any comments. Have you met me? I am an alcoholic, and I will take it personally!

What are you doing to get or stay sober today?

Super Busy Day

Today is a super crazy busy day. It's Gavin's thanksgiving feast at school, then I'm pitching buzzberry smoothies instead of jambi juice to be sold at the school (hello ours don't have any sugar!) then of course our Healthy Happy Hour tonight. I don't know about you, but that's a lot for me in one day.

My plan is to take it as it comes, try to stay in the moment (especially with Gav at school) and enjoy the new and exciting things going on in my life.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Okay Fine

Every time I go to work on my computer the emilyism tap is open to write a post. So, I guess a post I will write.

Mmmm, heck I don't know...

Let's talk about sex in sobriety. I know right!? That might be the first time I have ever said that on the blog...hehehe...I don't have much to say about it really, as I'm not getting any these days:)

Looking back sex normally occured when I was pretty drunk, so sober sex is a whole new ball game... and one I'm not so sure I'm ready to play...in soberity it's going to have to go the old fashion way...boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, they decided to commit, and then............................NOT boy meets girl, girl falls in love, boy and girl get drunk, tell each other everything about themselves (in the first night) then have mad and passionate sex that they don't remember in the morning...not like that's ever happened to me or anything:)

I'm tired

Not a bad tired, but an I could sleep happily for like 2 days kind of tired. Good thing I work at a coffee shop...yeah coffee!


I don't know about you but I have to be careful about how much caffeine I drink. A little bit is all fine and good, then all of a sudden bam...I'm crawling out of my skin. So today I am going to finish up my work, resist the temptation to drink 10 cups off coffee, then go home and rest. That's the plan at least:)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Be Happy

I shared at a meeting today that I find it to be a little weird that I feel "happy" amongst the ciaos of my life. To the outside person my life may sort of look like it's falling apart...our TV/cable is off, my phone bills due by midnight, and we can hardly pay out rent...But I'm going to be happy anyway... You know why? Because being happy is a choice, something you make up your mind to be...

I found myself waiting to start my life for the past few months, waiting to have enough money, or the perfect job, or boyfriend, or whatever...I was waiting for the situation to be ideal before I allowed myself to be happy...well you know what that's crap...it's not situations that make us happy, it's the way we look at them...

So I am going to continue to be happy, and to count my many blessings. I have made a decision to be happy amongst the crazy, ciaos I call my life!

A P.O Box

So I now have a P.O box...well, actually it is my friend Bill's P.O box...but he has generously offered to share it with me...so sweet!

I read the comment about my need for donations...it warmed my heart...thank you...asking for help is hard for me...the easiest way to donation is through the paypal donate button on the left side of the blog...I understand that some people would like to donate anonymously, you can now do so by sending it to the P.O box!...I would also love to get letters, and whatever...FUN!
P.O box 1111
Scottsdale, Az. 85257

Not so bad...

K, so dating is not so bad. We went to a movie, then sat out side and chatted for while after. He was a really sweet, and a total gentelman. It was nice. I will so go out with him again, if he asks:)

Monday, November 15, 2010

I don't know...

I have no clue what to write about. I still haven't completely come out of the clouds from shooting the documentary. I am tired, and excited all at the same time. I don't so much like it. Being excited reminds me of having anxiety. After all my years of chasing sick excitement it's an uncomfortable old feeling I don't really enjoy.

Besides that life is good. I'm super busy at work today. My to-do list is like a mile long. Then I'm going on an afternoon movie date:) Dating!? I don't really love dating...it's odd, and uncomfortable, and I kinda rather not do it at all, but my sponsor says "You learn how to date by dating."..so I'm going, and I'm going to love it....hahahahahahahahahaha

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

I am spiritually, mentally, and physically exhausted. And on top of that I think I am getting sick:( Media stuff knocks me out.

I slept all day... which my body and mind really appreciated!

How are you guys doing?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

That's a wrap!


All finished! It was wonderful, and exausting! My story is now in Gods
hands.., Well, Gods and my darling, talented, producer friend Laurie.

The inspiration behind this documantry is a Mom who lost her life
because of the disease alcoholism. It could have been anyone of us,
but it wasn't. We're still here, with chance to turn our life around,
and do something good! Let's get on it:)

I promise to keep you all updated on this project!

As for how I'm "really" doing...I'm tired, and a little overwelmed.
And in much need of a nap, and a meeting!

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, November 12, 2010

Blogging while Filming

They really are filming me right now... strange...we are almost finished...it was a long day...I am tired...but feel so honored to have been able to have worked on this amazing project.

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Thursday, November 11, 2010

Nervous

The documentary shoots tomorrow, and I am nervous. My friend Kate says that's a good thing, means I'm alive. I am at work today, thinking of anything other than what I am going to say tomorrow. I don't practice...I don't know why...I just don't. I guess I feel that either it comes from my heart, or I don't need to be saying it. Hope that pans out:)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Next Right Thing

All we really need to do in life is the next right thing, and leave the outcome to God. If we go about our business, doing the next right thing, and leaving the results to God, life has an uncomplicated flow about it. Sounds so simple, yet sometimes it's not.

What if we don't know the next right thing to do? Well here's the deal with that, we almost always know the next wrong thing to do. So when the next right thing to do is in question, just try not to do the next wrong thing.

I have also found if I'm not sure of the next right thing, sometimes it is best to do nothing. If I am quiet with myself for a minute, what I am to do next is usually made clear.

I don't know if that all makes any sense, it's just what's on my mind today.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

In this moment...

In this moment, the one I am in right now, right this second, I am complete, and content and have everything I need to be whole. Right this second there is nothing wrong, or out of whack in my world. I am at peace.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Letting the cat out of the bag...

Sooo... I am shooting a documentary about alcoholism this weekend! Cool, huh!? Hopefully one that will impact the lives of many, and help lift the stigmatism of alcoholics. If 1 out 5 people have substance abuse problem, why is it that America is still acting surprised. I am truly sick of hearing about the problem, without ever hearing anyone talk about the solution.

So I will, every opportunity I get. It is my honor to be asked!

I am going to be reading from the blog in part of the video. I would love if you guys could share with me your favorite posts!

It doesn't matter...

It doesn't matter what people say or think about you, but it certainly matters what you say and think about yourself...

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

I just got back from meeting with my sponsor. During times of change
in my life I try to stay really close to her. I have been known to
make some bad decisions. She helps stop me from that, pointing out
simple things that I may totally miss. I've heard a million times that
we can't fix our sick thinking with our sick thinking, so true. I am
very grateful that she is in my life.

Sent from my iPhone

'A year from now you may wish you had started today.'

This was yesterdays post. Which I now see didn't make it up. Sending
post from my phone is starting to bug. Not that I'm not super grateful
to be able to work from my phone!

I love this quote it! I was always waiting for the "right" day to do
something (I still do that) We'll maybe today is the day, as the
brilliant Dr. Seuss says "today is your day, your off to great places,
your off on your way!"

If you've been waiting for the right day, maybe that day is today!

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, November 5, 2010

Dream Big

'Nothing is as real as a dream. The world may change about you but
your dream will not. It will always be the link with the person that
you are today -- young and full of hope. If you hold on to it, you may
grow old but you will never be old. And that ladies and gentlemen is
the ultimate success.'
Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Healthy Happy Hour



















The Healthy Happy Hour went GREAT! It was sooo much fun! I am starting to get the importance of socializing sober...it is like learning a new art. Last night everyone did wonderfully. We were laughing, and joking, and sharing...it ROCKED! Tonight is girls night at my house...soberity is starting to be pretty dang fun!!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Doing what I was taught...

Something occurred last night that totally could have materialized into a huge resentment...someone hurt my feelings... I was mentally tearing them up...totally old behavior...I didn't act on it, but almost....It messed with my serenity...So this morning I did what I was taught to do...I went to my morning meeting (I never get to go to that one anymore because of the boys schedules, but my family is there, and I needed them)... I talked to the wises person I know. She asked me why I thought everyone in the program was kind...and I answered "Well, I am." she said "I know that, so I am." then proceeded to say that just because we were doesn't mean everyone was, and to protect myself.

It's all about boundaries I guess...I need to remember that the people in recovery (including me) are sick trying get to get better, and maybe not trust all of them. I guess that's when trust God and love people comes into play.

Some days in sobriety I feel like a total baby, other days like a bratty teenager having to learn what this crazy world is about all over again...It is such a process of growth...I am proud of the adult I am becoming, she has Grace and class...the bratty teenager on the other hand...a total shit:)

By the Grace of God on the 23rd I will have 3 years of sobriety. They have been the most rewarding, amazing, yet painful years of my life. Especially this last one. If I remember that I'm really just a baby in sobriety it helps me to be easier on myself. It is like learning a whole way to live...I love it, but it is challenging. The one thing I do know is that I wouldn't give back one second of my sobriety for my old life...no way.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Cleaning up the mess...

Part of our recovery process is cleaning up the mess of our past. Many of us, including me created mass wreckage during our drinking, Cleaning it up is not always fun, it can down right suck sometimes, and takes a great amount of courage to do, but it is part of the deal. Cleaning it up is the only way to get to a look back point with it, so we put it to good use.

I have found that until I have done some work, made some amends, and cleaned up a situation I can't use it as a point of positive reference to help others. And I think that's all our past is, our own set of encyclopedias to pull off the shelf and help others when we can - help others with the wisdom our past has created for us is amazing. It brings understanding to some of the hard times we go through. To know that all times are is a situation created for you to help somebody else one day. At least that's how I see it.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Resentments

It says in a really special book that I never mention on here that resentments are the number one offender of every alcoholic. I find that to be the truth. For me if I'm carrying around a resentment, I am not taking personal responsibility for my part. I only own my part, and in sobriety I refuse to carry around theirs.

This is how I let resentments go...the second I feel it coming on (thinking angry thoughts about someone, thinking about what I can say to prove my point, feeling angry, so on) I stop as quickly as I can and own my part...what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Do I need to say "I'm sorry?" (hate that part) I do what I need to do, then I let it go. Walking around with resentments will get me drunk, and I know it.

Don't get me wrong, even though I know how to let it go do right away, and that I should... I don't always. Sometimes I hold on to them, and make it up in my mind why it's justifiable. Crazy right!? The only person it hurts is me. (and the people around me)

That is why it is so important that we have other alcoholics in our life. What I don't know how to deal with, they do. Defects I miss in myself they catch, and call me out on. My support system takes my breath away...without them, sobriety wouldn't be possible. And on top of that it wouldn't be very much fun.

If you are trying to do this alone, please, please know you don't have to. Reach out...go to a meeting/support group...comment...send me an email...but do not sit at home suffering alone...there's no need for that...{{{cyber hug}}}

Where to start...

I have so much to fill you guys in on that I don't even know where to start. I am growing so quickly right now. I can feel the seeds I have planted starting to blossom. It is amazing, and fun, and a little bit scary all at the same time. My heart is healing...thank God.

What I am working on these days...is getting rid of all the old, crappy beliefs I have, about me, the universe, other people, and all the other bullshit that is is time to let go of. It is a moment to moment practice. GO MEDITATION!

On an exciting note...I have a date this week with a boy that I have a big huge crush on for like ever! I think I have felt every emotion over it...It's just a date...I know, I know...but not to worry in this alcoholic mind we've been married and divorced, the ship has sailed, and I've already jumped off...so coffee should be no sweat!

The 1st of the Month

Here's to the law of attraction and positive affirmations coming true....

The bills are paid...the bills are paid...the bills are paid...the bills are paid...the bills are paid...the bills are paid...the bills are paid...the bills are paid...the bills are paid...

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

Happy Halloween! Sorry I'm posting so late, but Internet around here is still off and I'm use to writing as the feelings come. I'm very grateful that I have a phone to post from, but txting out a post is.... Challenging!

I had a wonderful Halloween. I went over to a special friends house that lives on my old street. She gives out the best candy in the hood so even my own kid stopped by:) He was -thing 2- ...very cute...

Holidays are such a time of reflection for me. Thinking back to where I was last year, and where I am today is amazing. What I have walked through, and how much I have grown humbles me.

As I lay my head down tonight, I will filled with thoughts of gratitude!


Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Farmers Market

Today I worked all day at our local farmers market. It so so much fun. I totally want to tell you guys all about, but if I was any more tired I would pass out right here on my computer.

I did want share a "moment" I had. I had that moment when I realized how much I miss having a 'somebody.'All day I watched couples...holding hands, sharing, loving each other, and I missed having that. I find it to be a great thing, after my broken heart in sobriety I wasn't sure if I'd ever want that again. Now I'm thinking maybe, just maybe I'm ready for somebody.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Questions

Okay, I'm going to be on the computer for most of the day, and I can't think of anything to write about so lets do this...ask me a question...and I'll tell you no lies...any question...something about my sobriety....my program (yes, I'll go there!) or just something you've wanted to know about me...nothings off limits............okay, some stuff, but ask away!

Hitting my knees

I went from my bed...the couch actually, to my knees. I woke up this
morning in fear, and resentment. No fun.

But I am grateful today that I know what to do. I prayed, give it to
God, and restarted my day.

Hope everyone has a happy Friday!

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Hitting my knees

I actually did it a few hours ago, but whatever:) Praying really does
make it better!

Sent from my iPhone

Good Morning

Good Morning. Today try to remember that you are a beautiful, amazing,
child of God. You are perfect just the way you are right at this
second. When your mind tells you otherwise I want you to breath in
with God and out with self. You are VERY loved! Xo, em

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Hitting my Knees....

As I was saying my morning prayers it dawned on me how infrequently I get on my knees these day. Sad really. I spend my entire first year on my knees. I dropped in surrendered all the time. I was in so much pain, and I didn't know what else to do. Not that I have forgotten where my life and sobriety come from, not at all. I really have no excuse, I know it works. I know I feel better the more I hit my knees...I just seemed to have gotten out of the habit.

I'm thinking others have also. So lets work on it together. Every morning that I remember to pray I will add a -hitting my knees- post. Feel free to remind me if I forget.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Faith-Fear-Faith-Fear

Nobody ever promised that life would be easy, but knowing that it is all really out of my control, and being taken care of by a power so much bigger, and so much greater than I could ever imagine is amazing. God has this life of mine handled...if I let him...but sometimes it looks like this:

fear-faith-fear-faith-fear...it makes for a tiring day. Today I am going to try and stay in faith, to not flinch, and to let God do his job, while I do mine. He really doesn't need my help.

I hope everyone is having a WONDERFUL day!!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Hiding Out

I guess the true word for what I'm doing these days is isolating. I
don't feel like talking on the phone, or going anywhere. Which for
this alcoholic is dangerous! Alcoholism is a disease that when were
are lonely tells us we want to be alone. Crazy right!?

Gavin was sick today so I didn't get a chance to go into work, and
even though Gav and I had a great day, I still need a meeting. My sick
brain tries to tell me "No, you are okay, you can miss a night." Um,
maybe one day I can, but today's not that day.

Off to a meeting.

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

What to write about? I don't know. What if we talk about feelings, I know, I know the very thing that we had been running away from.

I have found that when we talk about things, I mean really talk about them, that they lose their power.

So feelings it is. Last night I was reflecting on the last year, God, talk about feelings. A move, a break-up, not smoking...feelings, feelings, feelings. Some of them I wasn't sure I could bear. The move made me feel scared and lost, and acutely aware of my emotional attachment to stuff. The break-up made me feel that my heart had been ripped out of my chest, and the non-smoking thing...hard! I craved smoking so badly that I could feel it in my soul.

But I got through it without drinking, or being institutionalized (which is a part of my story) I walked through it (I still am). I always say that sobriety is not always easy, but it is always worth it. I free today, alcohol does not consume my every thought.

There are days that the fear of my disease keeps me sober. I believe without a doubt that it always gets worse, never better if I go back out. I almost lost everything that meant anything to me, and I am just not willing to go there, not ever again.

I <3 you guys! How are you doing?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Being a single

I am blogging from the fall festival (the one I chaired last year). So
much has changed in my life, so much. Tonight I feel a little bit
lonley, and a whole lot single. I've taken the position of official
hold your stuff girl. Which is just fine with me!

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, October 22, 2010

A memo from God

QUIT WORRYING: Life has dealt you a blow and all you can do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten I am here to take all of your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

PUT IT ON MY LIST: Something needs to be done and taken care of. Put it on my list. No, not your list: put it on my to-do list. Let me be the one to take care of your problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to me. And although my to-do list is long, I am after all...God. I can take care of anything you put in my hands. In fact, if truth be known I can take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realized.

TRUST ME: Once you've given your burdens to me, quit trying to take them back! Trust me. Have faith that I will take care of all your needs. Your problems are your trials. Problems with the kids? Put it on my list. Problems with finances? Put it on my list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

LEAVE IT ALONE: Don't wake up one morning and say "Well, I'm feeling much stronger. I think I can handle it from here." It's simple. You gave me your burdens, and I am taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in peace. Please let me.

TALK TO ME: I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what is making you crazy. Forget the wrong and the fretting, because you know I am in control. But there's one thing I hope you never forget, don't forget to talk to me. I love you! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include me in on the things that go on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your family and friends. Prayer is just having a conversation with me. I want to be your dearest friend.

HAVE FAITH: I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from there. Trust me: you don't want the view from my eyes. I will continue to take care of you, take care of your needs, and watch over you. You only have to trust me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems you have trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can it be? Turn it over, give it to me, and trust that I will take care of it...because I will.

SHARE: You were taught to share when you were 2 years old, don't forget. The same rules still apply. Share will those who are less fortunate. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. I bless you everyday with things to share. Please share them, it is important.

BE PATIENT: I manage to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. Please don't be impatient when it takes me a bit longer than you think it should take to tend to your problems. Trust in my timing, for it is perfect. Just because I created the universe in 6 days everyone thinks I should be in a rush, rush, rush.

BE KIND: Be kind to others, for I love them as much as I lover you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or act the same way you do, but still I love you all. Please try to get along, for my sake. I created you all differently in some way, it would be boring if you were all the same.

LOVE YOURSELF: As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only- to be loved, and to give love in return. I am a God of love. Love your neighbor. But, also love yourself . It makes my heart break to see you be angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. I love you. Please don't ever forget that!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Great Day

Today is turning out to be a great day. Everythings just kind of falling in place. I am taking a lot of deep breaths and trying to enjoy it.

Tonight is the big Sober Happy Hour that I planned. I hope it is a hit, but one of the many things that sobriety had taught me is to be thankful and grateful for what it is at that given moment. I planned it, and pitched, and I know at least some people will be coming. See already success!

I totally want to see this event get super huge and make buzzberry the place to be in sobriety. But that will take time, so I will be patient.

I will post pictures and let you all know how it goes!

A New Day

"Today is a new day. I will not dwell on the worries of yesterday, I refuse to bring them into today." -emilyism

Today I am going to remember to be grateful that I am sober. I can get through this, no matter what it 'feels' like, no matter how hard it is....because I am sober, have God, and a whole heap of courage.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I'm up

Okay, up and off the couch. Drinking my morning tea at noon, but
atleast I'm up.

Is it a full moon or something?

Sent from my iPhone

Holy Funk

Okay could someone come over and make me get off the couch..,it's
UGLY. It would be one thing if it felt good, and sounded like this
"just rest, take the day to take it easy." but it doesn't it feels
horrible, and sounds something like this "you can't pay your bills,
your screwed, There is no way I'm asking for help, get up, what is
wrong with you.?"

After this post I'm going to try to make myself, I'll let you know how
it goes.

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A Mailing Address

Many of you have suggested that I get a mailing address. I have been slow to do this, one because I can't afford a P.O box, and two because I had an "incident" happen awhile back that scared me. A letter came to my home from the men's state prison. It shook me up, and made me feel really unsafe. Had it came from the women's prison I probably would have answered it, but it didn't, and it scared me.

I put my life on the Internet, I email and get to know my readers, I tell as much as I can. Sharing my life with you is my honor. But that letter taught me a few things, like getting letters from strange men to my home FREAKS me out! And that it might be time to protect myself a bit.

So I'm meeting in the middle...my new mailing address is.....

Buzzberry
c/o Emilyism
5959 n. Granite Reef
Scottsdale, Az. 85250

So, if you've wanted to tell me something, or send me something, and online just isn't your thing now you can reach me by mail. I am so excited to hear from you!

Good Morning God,

You are ushering in a new day, untouched and freshly new, so here I come to ask you God if you'll renew me too?

Forgive the many errors, that I made yesterday, and let me try again dear God, to walk closer to thy way.

But Father, I am well aware I can't make it on my own. So take my hand and hold it tight for I can't walk alone. Amen

Monday, October 18, 2010

Cherish the Freedom

Yesterday I figured out how truly free I am. A friend needed me, and without pausing, or hesitating, I was there for her. I wasn't in a rush, I wasn't thinking about alcohol, I didn't have anywhere else to be, but there, for her.

It may sound like no big deal to some, but to this once self-fish, self-centered alcoholic...It was amazing.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Have I done everything?

Depression can be a tricky thing. It is sometimes almost impossible to do the things you know will make you feel better -like getting off the couch-

Depression seem to occur a lot to people in recovery. We all know I'm not a scientist, but my guess why this happens is that we spent years self medicating. We numbed our emotions, and feeling, and really the truth about us, and the world for so long that seeing it and feeling in its full, sometimes crappy glory can suck. Leading to depression, or one heck of a funk.

I've had to get really honest with myself lately, and ask myself "Have I done everything I can?" The answer is not really. I have been eating like crap, and not exercising at all. Two things I know a will make me feel better.

So today I took a walk with a friend. One small step in the right direction!

Friday, October 15, 2010

I believe in...

I believe in love. Take your breath away, butterflies in your stomach, amazing, gentle, exciting, patient love. I believe in it because I've seen it. And when the time is right, and it is blessed by God, I want it. Just thought I'd put that out there. -Emily

I've learned...

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

Today

Today I am trying to hold it together.
Today I am trying to be grateful for the many blessings in my life.
Today I feel a bit weepy and a little sad.
Today I am humbled in the fact that drinking actually sounds like a stupid idea. Today I am going to work-out, even if it's only for 10 minutes
Today something amazing could happen and all my financial insecurities could fade away.
Today I am going to be the best me I can possibly be.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Fall Break

This week was Fall Break. Yup, that's right, Fall Break. They just started school and already a break. It's been a long week. My house is a disaster, I'm exausted, and ready for it to be over. But all in all we had a pretty good week. It was nice to spend special time with them, but I still think Fall Break is a bit silly. Glad it's over:)

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Phoenix Rock Gym




We had such a blast climbing at the Phoenix Rock Gym. Gavin is a total little monkey man, and had been asking for like ever to go climbing. The Phoenix Rock Gym is amazing all the way around, especially in that it has ever level of walls to climb. Loved it! When we got there I wasn't so sure I'd be climbing, but I did, and I loved it!! I even made it to the top! It's so cool to try new things in sobriety.

Beau and I were chatting, and I said "I think this is what sober people do for their rush instead of drinking and drugging." He said "I think people that drink and drug do it too Mom." I shared with him that maybe they do, most mostly they think about doing it. and talk about doing it. I was always talking about doing great things, but never had it together enough to actually show up. I am glad I can show up for the things I talk about today.

We had a marvelous time. Thank you Phoenix Rock Gym for having us!!

Off to the Rock Gym...

The Day my Blog took my Breath Away

Writing the post "Venting" was hard for me. But I knew I had to get it out there. You don't just sugar coat what's going on, when writing about what's going on is what you do. So I wrote, I put it out there, even though I didn't really want to. And before I could turn around there were 8 comments of love and support. It took my breath away. This blog has done that many times. But that day I really need it too, and it did. It is my honor to share my life with you. It is not always easy, but it is always an honor.Thank you.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Blogging from Buzzberry

So this no internet at home thing is working out. Yesterday I blogged from the pool, today from Buzzberry. I'm pretty sure that it's God doing for me what I can't do for myself. The fact the Internet went off and a computer (a laptop that has wireless) was donated in the same day is just to much of a God shot to ignore. I needed to get out of the house -badly-

I feel really weak, and like crying these days. Mixed tears of pain and joy...-it's weird- I pray for courage and strength to get through this.

I have already been to two meetings today. Depressed or not first and for most I AM AN ALCOHOLIC and if I forget that, I will lose everything God and I have worked so hard to build.

My foundation in strong. I know what to do. I am grateful.

I am also grateful for the super fun event at my work tonight. If you live in town please, please, please come join us from 4-7....Great happy hour menu, great people, great fun!!

Gratitude

I am staying in gratitude today. It is actually turning out to be really easy as the last 24 hours has been God shot after God shot. Here are some examples...I am blogging from a new computer, I went to a meeting yesterday...I knew I had enough gas to make it there, but wasn't sure I had enough to make it back, a friend slipped some cash in my pocket, I look at her with a ?, and she said "God put you on my heart today."

I am blessed, beyond belief. I'm still feeling pretty down, but as hopeful as hopeful can get.

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Distance

The distance between where I am, and where I want to be is so far in
between... I will just close my eyes and leap.

Sent from my iPhone

Off Line

I am off line at home right now (nice way of saying I couldn't pay my cable bill) but God had a bigger plan for me than me sitting in the
house depressed about it...

Gav asked if we could go in the hot tub. While we were out there I thought I bet I can get on-line out here. Sure as heck I could. Mmmm...I guess I will have to work from outside by the pool today.

Thank you guys for your loving and supportive words. xoxo

Sent from my iPhone

Manic Monday

Get up...go to the doctor...try to explain that even though I brush my hair and speak in complete sentences that I am depressed...and need help...talk back and forth about how I can't take anything addictive, and am very sensitive to anti-depressants, and changes in medication...try not to get angry that even though I am doing EVERYTHING I can to stay healthy, I still seem to get depressed. I am tired this morning. I feel that I am fighting this part of my battle alone, I know I am not, but it feels that way.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Venting

Excuse me while I vent..... I have been having a very hard time, and kind of sugar coating it on here. I guess I do that because I want this blog to be a positive place regardless of how I feel. But you know what I feel like CRAP, like I'm crawling out of my f#$%ing skin. It has been months since I have felt right, months, and I am sick of it!

It makes me feel bad venting on here, like after 3 year I should be in some better place. But, you know what, I am where I am. I did not build this blog to feed you all a bunch of bull about how easy sobriety is. I built it to share about my real experiences, and for you to be able to share about yours. Okay, I'm done.

This I do know.... "Sobriey is not always easy, but it is always worth it." (tm)

Sobriety Sunday

I'm in a funk today. You know when you don't want to get out of bed,
and you instead lay there letting your brain attack you...ya, I'm
having that kind of day, well I was...then I got up, took a shower,
and am getting ready to take Gav to the grocery store.

I just feel yuck, like I've been trying to be strong for to long. It's
starting to get to me. But I have learned to keep on keeping on, cause
just laying there makes it nothing but WAY worse.

So off I go, sober, and with as little self-pity as possible, to enjoy
this day ahead!

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, October 8, 2010

Trudging

Trudging...I am doing what's right in front of me, despite how I feel, despite my fear of failing...I just keep on going...It is all going to fall into place...it always does...I trust that, completely...I am going to a meeting, it is the next right thing to do...one step in front of the other...trudging the road to happy destiny.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Getting a Life

I feel like I have sort of abandoned you guys lately! I miss you! But you guys will be so proud of me. I kinda of got myself a life this week. I am now officially doing the marketing, and end of the month reports at Buzzberry, I enrolled in school, I am getting ready to shoot a documentary about alcoholism, I am going to meetings, helping other people, and at the very top of that I am a single Mom to two amazing boys. When I lay it all out like that it makes my want to cry. God is amazing, I went from not being able to get off the couch a few weeks ago to all of the above. Grateful...I am very grateful.

Enough about me. HOW ARE YOU GUYS??? xoxox

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A Sober Happy Hour

























I am so excited about this upcoming event at my work. Finally a happy hour for sober people! It is super hard to find fun things to do sober. Don't get me wrong meetings are fun, and much needed, and something to do, but sometimes I just want to "go out" So this event is perfect. I'm thinking it should be a once a month thing! So if you're an Arizona reader PLEASE come on down and going us for a SOBER HAPPY HOUR tm!!!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

At a Crossroads

It seems to happen every year around this time, change, growth, and a bit of depression. I'm doing something right now that I've never really done...I'm goal setting. I have every excuse to kinda of give up right now, half of the people I know are looking at me thinking how is she going to work this out, the deal is I'm not, God is. But in order for that to happen I need to take action.

I have no clue how my bills are going to get paid this month, but instead of getting all trapped in fear I enrolled in a GED class. If I don't get some kind of education this cycle of not being able to pay my bills is likely to never end. I have spent many years in fear over my GED, I have tried going to classes for it before and failed, but I've never tried sober...it's a whole new ballgame!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Lonely

I remember the beginning of my sobriety being one of the loneliest time of my life. Even when I was around people I was lonely. To tell you the truth I think I was always really lonely, but when I was drinking I couldn't feel or identify it.

I remember being told that one day I would be my own best friend, and then I wouldn't be so lonely. You know what it's true. That bitter lonely feeling is gone. Sure I wish I has someone special in my life, but I don't mind being alone for now, and I never thought that would happen.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Sobriety Sunday

I am going to share a story about the most special, and wises person I know, {Namewithheld}....When I was like 6 months sober I was complaining and complaining about how I was feeling horrible, and how bad life sucked. I wasn't where I wanted to be, or feeling the way I thought I should feel, and it horrible! I had had it and I didn't know what I needed, or what to do, but she knew I needed to hear a little bit of hope...this is what she said....

"If it didn't get better do you actually think I'd still be sober?" she had like 35 years of sobriety, and a good point. If sobriety didn't get better, no one would stay sober.

Stick in there, don't give up, and it wil get better!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Having Upstairs Neighbors

Are you flipping kidding me? My upstairs neighbors where being so loud
it sounded like a heard of elephants where stampeding above my head,
that and the music was driving me over the edge. This isn't the first
time they've super loud, and I'm sure it won't be the last. But
tonight I wasnt in the mood. So I looked if we had a complaint line of
some sort, which we don't, and I'm totally NOT a call 911 kind of gal,
so my last option was to go deal it myself, which I did. They took it
well, one kid even offered me a beer, felt a little odd passing up a
free beer, but I did:) Now they are much quieter. I can now only hear
a little bass pounding. All in all I was pretty cool about it, figure
it'll be my kids one day:)

Sent from my iPhone

Lemonberry Studios

I am proud to announce Lemonberry Studios to our Blog! Their jewelry is cute, adorable, and many pieces are one of a kind! If I could I would buy one of each! Their motto is "Celebrating everything recovery" which is a complete perfect fit for emilyism.com!!

Shop, shop, shop till you drop! Let's help another sober sister out!


Gavin playing Flag Football



Or...um...taking a break from flag football. They did great...20-0...and Gavin had 5 sacks (I hear that's good!)...I'm not sure how I feel about all this football stuff, I'm way more into baseball. But I love that Gav loves it, so Mom will pretend she digs it too:)

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

All or Nothing

Caffeine is OUT OF HERE!

As I'm sure is the case with many of you, I am an all or nothing girl. I have decided to stop drinking caffeine. I am convinced is worsening both my depression and my anxiety. There is no "cutting back" with me it is either drink it or don't. I weighed it out and my mental health is more important than caffeine.

But this morning I wasn't so sure of that. It felt like shit not having my morning coffee. But I know in a few days it won't, so I'm going to hold on to that.

No drinking, no smoking, no caffeine....What's next?

1 year old

Today emilyism.com is 1 year old.

Happy Birthday special blog. May you spend many more years doing the
work that God intends you to do!

I <3 you!

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Never, ever, ever give up!

'Between you and every goal that you wish to achieve, there is a
series of obstacles, and the bigger the goal, the bigger the
obstacles. Your decision to be, have and do something out of the
ordinary entails facing difficulties and challenges that are out of
the ordinary as well. Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your
ability to stay with it longer than anyone else.'

Sent from my iPhone

Easy Does It

In one of my past posts you may have remembered me saying that I am a
one meeting (if not two), one errand, and a little bit of work kind of
chick. Any more than that and I get overloaded. I'm starting to kick
my own ass for it, starting to think that I should be able to do more.
But you know what I really can't, and if I know that and push myself
to do more I will lose my sobriety. My disease sounds something like
this "you should be further along, you feeling overwhelmed is your
fault, just pretend you're okay, with all you have to get done you don't
have time for a meeting." CRAZY!

Today I had way too much on my plate, and I can feel it. So for the
rest of the day... Easy does it. It doesn't mean my day is over, I
have way more to do it just means I'm going to be okay with taking it
easy and leaving what doesn't get done until tomorrow.

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, September 27, 2010

It's in Gods Hands

What a long, crazy, scary day.

Today I helped a friend out with her son. You see he's an addict and he needed a Middle Mom, one that loved him, but was removed enough to be hard on him. I'm not really sure how I did, and living in her shoes for even a few hours today was horrible. I get now how easy it is to say "Just throw him out, and let him hit bottom" but you know what, when you love them and they're doing a drug that kills you, tough love isn't as easy as it seems. I am very proud of his Mom, she was strong and because of it he's in detox right now. What happens from here is up to him.

Then I had a date night with Gavin, and thanked God for my life.

Popping in....

I had a CRAZY day, and will tell you all about it when I get home from date day with Gavin! Hope every one had :) 's today!!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Key West Dream Vacation

The KEY WEST DREAM VACATION- everything but alcohol- December 6 - 13, 2010 Come along with us on an week long island journey to imagination in Paradise! Experience the very best that Key West has to offer...dine with the locals, find adventure on the high seas, learn how to cook like an islander, enjoy glorious sunsets..., and, of course, meet some colorful characters! Relax in the lap of luxury, and learn what "Island Time" is all about! An experience guaranteed to live in your heart and mind forever!
for more information visit.....

Sobriety Sunday

I love that you guys checked in on the post below (keep it up!) It helps me know what to write about, what to focus on.

Today lets talk about the first year in sobriety. I journaled a lot my first year. And I am so glad I did. When times get tuff I can look back at those journals and not matter how tuff it is now, it's nothing compared to that first year.

I remember walking around with this uncomfortable feeling all the time, but I stayed sober and I walked through it, and eventually it went away. I spent a TON of time on my knees in my first year. Which reminds me getting back down on them would do nothing but good. I do it sometimes, but nothing like the constant surrender I did my first year.

I guess the whole secret is that you have to push your way through it (Pray until something happens) nomatter what don't drink and take the suggestions of the sober people who have gone before you.

Enough from me. Im off to my meeting!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Roll Call

Okay... we had almost no comments today which means one of a few things, you guys have decided you don't like me anymore and found some other place on the internet to go hang (such an alcoholic thinking about myself first), or maybe you're busy having fun (I hope) but maybe you're sitting in pain, alone, not wanting to tell anyone how you feel. I've heard lots of times that's our disease way keep us sick. I know when we're in an ugly spot the last thing we want to do is reach out. But keeping it all to ourselves just makes it worse.


Hi, My name is Emily and I'm feeling better, despite the hot weather. heheh, J/K

No really, I'm feeling so much better. When I close my eyes and feel my feelings, the feeling I feel is content. For that I am grateful, its been awhile.

K, now your turn.........

"It's not always easy, but it's always worth it" (tm)

Sent from my iPhone

Bow Wow Breakfast at Buzzberry




Today I helped run the Bow Wow breakfast at Buzzberry. Yup, it's as cute as it sounds. Taking your doggie out to breakfast...darling right!? It really was! Poodles, Great Danes, and Bull Dogs a like gathering together for a morning of doggie omelets and playtime, while their owners enjoyed their coffee and breafast. A win, win for everyone! Sooo cute!

Here are some of the dog loving business that came out to support the event. Thank you guys!!

Oh my Dog
Paw Posse
Modern Pet Furtography
Pup Tent

Friday, September 24, 2010

Almost to tired to Type

I am sooo tired. Who knew coming out of a depression would be so exhausting. Laying on the couch for 3 days depressed can really set a girl back! I had some serious catching up to do.

I do have some great news though...my car is fixed. (thank you guys for helping!!) Thank God! Not driving again was really hard. I had flash backs of he 2 years of not driving... Normally when I start to get depressed I go to like 3 meetings a day. But this time with the car not working I gave myself permission not to, which almost turned in to an ugly check yourself in mess. Then I finally called my sponsor who honestly in 1 hour help me put my life back together. And yes, I have thought um....why didn't you call her on the first day you stared to go down...nope, she would have given me the solution...and I was way more into sitting in my own self-pity. yuck, yuck, yuck. Glad it's over!!

Hope everyone is having a great Friday!!
"It's impossible" says Reason
"It's reckless" says Experience
"It's painful" says Pride
"Try" says Dream
"It's possible" says FAITH

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Deborah's Story

By Tracy L Geivett (this link is now working!)
Ecumenical Chaplaincy for the Homeless

This story is told to me by my very good friend Deborah who has a heart of gold and a winning combination of tough love and compassion. May you all be so lucky to know a Deborah.

Her story takes place in The Zone in downtown Phoenix, Arizona.

The year is 2003 and having spent the better part of the day chasing and satiating her crack habit, Deborah found herself hungry and with no money. She headed towards free food with a tad bit of trepidation. Church on the Street set up a meal wagon in a dirt lot in The Zone and served up beans and hot dogs on Saturday nights. The catch? You had to sit and listen to the sermon to get your beans and franks. Deborah didn’t really want to listen to the usual Jesus freak talk but she was hungry. Having grabbed her hot dogs and beans she found a seat, however, before the sermon could even begin a woman with the organization, a lay minister, came up to her and very pointedly said “You’re not supposed to be here, God has other plans for you.” In her crack and hot dog induced haze, Deborah didn’t think much of it as she finished eating and hit the road.

The Zone was where Deborah chased her crack habit with a vengeance. Two weeks after her Church on the Street meal she found herself in front of the old building that used to house the Chaplain’s office on Jefferson Street. Not too deep into her crack created fog she noticed with some alarm the woman from the dirt lot approaching her rapidly, ‘So I see you’re still here, I told you God didn’t want you here,’ she pulled out some oil, presumably holy, and made the sign of the cross on Deborah’s forehead and told her pointedly, ‘Get ready because you’re leaving here soon.’ A bit creepy for sure but not enough to be the catalyst for change, however, the stage is set.

Weeks later, once again hanging, this time on Jackson Street, Deborah made the mistake of pointing the way to a crack dealer; her kind assistance in aiding an undercover cop found her handcuffed and taken to jail. She pauses here as she tells her story and mentions that the minute those handcuffs went on, she knew her life changed, she just didn’t realize the direction it would take her.

Finding herself in the not so luxurious surroundings of a jail cell, Deborah lay on her top bunk paging through the only reading material available, the Bible. Thumbing through and reading passages she asked God to give her a sign, ‘If you’re real, SHOW ME!’ Almost a defiant dare I’d say.

She tells how the inmates would attend jail church just to break up the monotonous routine of their days. In telling the story, she remembers jauntily entering the room where worship was held. Looking around for a seat, she settles in as a woman startles her by swiftly approaching and telling her “Hey you! God told me to tell you He’s real”. The chills I got at this point of Deborah’s story are nothing compared to the very tangible chills Deborah experienced in the jail church that day.

Deborah’s crack habit earned her 3 years in Perryville Prison for Women where she worked hard at winning the fight with her addiction and bettering herself with education. Deborah had plans, goals and the grace of God. Her life had changed.

Upon release from Perryville with no family and nowhere to go, Deborah went back to The Zone; this time to use the services meant to move her forward. She stayed at CASS, the Central Arizona Shelter Services homeless shelter located right smack in the middle of the crack cocaine highway of Phoenix. While staying at CASS for six months she rebuilt her ‘life’. She obtained her birth certificate, her social security card, her GED and her Commercial Driver’s License and more importantly she found the strength to stay clean.

She used all the services available to her and moved into her own apartment. Having procured a job driving truck she drove from Arizona to California on a daily basis. Life was so much better than she thought it ever could be but God had yet other plans for her. With the sky rocketing prices of gas Deborah was laid off from driving truck in 2008.

The search for other employment was dismal and she called on her old friend Chaplain Dave. As God had intended all along of course, there was an opening at the Chaplain’s office for an Administrative Assistant.

From one side of the desk to the other...

You see, Chaplain Dave knew Deborah for many, many years. He knew her when she was on the street feeding her habit, he saw in her at that time extraordinary riches that danced just out of reach. Deborah ponders how she ended up back in The Zone under such different circumstances; she see’s acquaintances from her days of using who are still in the haze of their own addictions. She tells how she was worried that being around the persistent demons on a daily basis would lead to again picking up the crack pipe. She shared with tears how hard it was and how she just didn’t understand what God wanted from her.

God brought Deborah back to The Zone to make a difference in people’s lives; I get to watch it every day, front row seat to miracles! I have watched this woman know instinctively what a hurting person needs, be it tough love or a kind word. She has pulled out all stops to make sure a young woman has a bed to sleep in or a young man scared to death is put into the right hands at another agency to make a difference. I’ve seen her chew out more than one person struggling with addiction who tried to tell her they couldn’t do it. Boy golly! Now that’s something to watch! Don’t tell HER you can’t do it! She will pull you right into her life story and you are ‘stick a fork in me‘ done. She understands the hardship but is a walking testimonial to overcoming and not only surviving but thriving! More than once someone has returned to the office to show her their one month chip or tell her they are working hard at turning life around, that they are clean and sober.

It’s plain to see why God wants Deborah back where she started; He worked miracles for her and now works miracles through her. I’m so lucky to have a front row seat.

Checking In

Today was a better day that I've had in awhile. It is amazing to me that after doing the work that I was sitting on for like 8 months how much freer I feel, like a magical blessing that comes with willingness.

I shared at my Women's meeting tonight. The topic I picked was not sitting on the steps. Everyone though that was funny. So do I, now that I'm off my ass and happily climbing the steps again:)

Here's to being back on track!

Taking my own Advice

Today I am taking a big dose of my own (and others) advice....

-It gets better, I promise.
-One day at a Time
-It's progress not perfection
-Don't give up before the miracle
-Don't drink, not even if your ass falls off
-In with God, out with craving

Come on guys, there's like a 1000 more. Share your favorite one liners!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Talk, talk, talk

I spent all day in the house today. All by myself. I didn't go to a meeting and I didn't spend much time on the phone. Then poor Beau got home. As we were eating dinner I was totally like blah, blah, blahing. He was a like "Wow, Mom you have a lot to say tonight." Poor kid:) But he listened, and even seemed a bit interested. He is turning into such an amazing young man. And after last years shenanigans I couldn't be any more grateful.

Today was a down day for me. The goal in sobriery is not to get to up or to down, it's all about balance. So when I feel myself getting to far down it's scary. So tomorrow I am meeting with my sponser, who is a perfect mix between a strict Mom, and a loving caring Grandma. She is one of the biggest blessings in my life. And I would go on and on about her, but she'd kick my ass.

Hope everyone had a wonderful day!

Thank you

First of all I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you for the donation that came in. Words can't describe how much it meant to me. I am trying really hard to stay out of a funk through this, and that totally helped!

I keep on getting asked if there is any way to donate anonymously, I just got off the phone with paypal and I'm sorry to say that there isn't. But I can tell you this, I am the only one who see it. And I can promise you that I take what people email me very seriously and very confidently.

My prayer is that it is fixed and back on the road by Monday when I have to drive Gav. to school, and speech, and footbal and...........





Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Fun in Sobriety

I'm not really having a whole lot of that, fun that is, not at all. but my God am I willing too. You see I don't really know what I like to do sober, I don't really know what I consider "fun". At least not yet.

I do know that I like golfing, darts, camping, and bowling....but that's about all I've tried in sobriety. If all goes as planned though I will have a life time to figure it out!

What are some of your favorite fun things to do in sobriety?

Keep it Simple

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. -Mark Twain

Sometimes it does no good to try to "deal" with our feeling. For the moment, we're stuck. We can only see things one way. No matter what anyone says, we're closed up. For the moment, but this puts our sobriety at risk.

How do we stop self-pity? Focus on someone else. When we really want to help someone else be happy, we'll ask our Higher Power's help. Then things start to change, because our good deeds always come back to us. Remember, service always keeps us sober.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power sometimes I get stuck in my old ways. Help me change my focus at those times. Help me stay sober.

Action for the Day:
I will think of a time when I was stuck in bad feelings. How did I get out of that spot?

{Keeping it Simple-Hazelden Meditations}

Monday, September 20, 2010

Spreading the Dis-ease

I'm not going to share much tonight as I feel that I would be spreading my dis-ease instead of a positive message.

But here's a quick list of things to do besides getting drunk...
  1. Pray
  2. Read a book
  3. Take a walk
  4. Eat something yummy
  5. Take a bath
  6. Go to a support group
  7. Go to bed:)

The Fuel Pump Fund

I need a new fuel pump. I am not taking it well. I refuse to let this be the thing that breaks this camels back, so I'm off to a meeting.

Please feel free to donate to this cause:)