Monday, July 14, 2014
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Isn't it really about the dash. What have I accomplished in the time God has given me on earth. Have I been kind? Have I been loving and empathetic to people who are suffering? Did I try not to judge what I didn't understand. Did I take the lessons God gave me and help people with that wisdom? Did I let my heart lead even though that can be painful. Did I live a life that I can be proud of?
The answer to all of the above is ... sometimes...but the fact is I try. If at the end of each day I can at least say I genuinely tried than that is good enough for me.
Everyday she woke up and tried to be the best person she could be.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
When I was sharing about emilyism.com I got to the point in its story where it truly saved my sanity. If you've followed this blog over the years then you know that I went through a very rough patch right after the Dr. Phil show aired. It was like a emotional perfect storm. There are a few times in sobriety that had I not been sober I would have needed to be institutionalized - and that was one of them. I could hardly leave the house, and putting words and thoughts together was nearly impossible. I blogged through it. I logged on and blogged. Sometimes it was just a quote, but I said something - I believe it stopped me from getting completely and totally trapped in my own mind.
Today at me meeting I said "When I started emilyism.com I didn't care if it helped 1 person or a million - I just wanted it help someone - and during that time it was okay that was just me" When it came out of my mouth I was reminded how special this blog is.
Thank you - thank all of you and please know that there was a time (more that 1 one actually) that you truly kept me sober and sane....and for that I am so, so grateful.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
I was thinking today about how infrequently I actually hit my knees these days. For a girl who spend her first hear of sobriety slumped over her bed in a state of surrender you'd like I'd hit them a little more often.
Note to self:
You are not too busy to hit your knees everyday!
Friday, May 30, 2014
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
The first thing I have noticed is how often I pray - my thought are almost always in a constant state of prayer. For an alcoholic like me that is necessary to keep my sanity. This little experiment has brought to my attention how many things I ask for while in prayer.....seriously....."God help me with this, God help me with that ... blah, blah, blah"
I know God wants us to come to him with our troubles - but I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to be giving him the solution to them - which I totally have been been doing.
Here's to my week of praying - without telling God what to do! :)
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Then I read a comment and remembered why I started this blog in the first place - it was to help people feel less alone.
I still don't have much to say - but I will keep blogging anyway.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
With that being said there is one hurdle that I am facing - I am petrified to love that way again. I reread something today that totally helped me to understand why I would be scared.
I am this girl once I am completely and totally in love....
Nothing on this planet can compare to with a woman's love. It is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet - unconditional. Pure. If you are her man she will walk on water and through a mountain for you too, no matter how you've acted out, no matter what crazy things you've done, no matter the time or demand. She will encourage you when you are at rock bottom and think there isn't any way out. Hold you in her arms when you were sick and laugh with you when you are up. And if you're her man and that woman loves you - I mean really loves you - she will shine you up when you are dusty, encourage you when you are down, defend you even when she's not sure you are right, and hang on your every word, even when you're not saying anything worth listening to. No matter what you do, or what you say she will give you her very best, and then some, and then keep right on giving. That is a women's love it stand the test of time, logic, and all circumstances.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Saturday, April 5, 2014
I won't lie - the first 20 days were rough. Teaching my brain to stop making excuses was hard. You know that BS dialogue that our brains play. I'll go tomorrow, I'll go to a later class, I set a goal - I don't really have to go everyday...blah-blah-blah. The mental fight to get up and to get in the room, even though I know every time I walk out of the yoga room I feel better, it was still hard to get up and go everyday.
Then something shifted, my brain stopped making excuses, and instead would set my day around which yoga class I was going to attend. Four days ago I got sick -not deathly sick, but sick. Yoga was the last thing I wanted to do - but I went anyway. I took it easier, but I went.
I have always considered myself to be decently undisciplined. The past 64 days have taught me that this is absolutely incorrect. When I mean business it will get done. On my intention list for this year I wrote -to have my perfect body by 40- And by perfect I don't mean what you see in a magazine, I don't mean the body I had at 20, or even 30 for that matter. I mean a body of a woman, a woman who has curves, a woman who is comfortable not only on the outside but even more importantly on the inside. I wanted to walk into my 40th year at the top of my game with as much pride, grace, and dignity as I possible could.
Happy Birthday to me!
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Boy: I have a date with a pretty girl tonight.
Think about and look forward to date numerous times throughout the day.
Girl: I have a date with a cute boy tonight.
Color hair, get a pedicure. Pick out and outfit - decide you hate the outfit - along with every other article of clothing in your closet. Force your self not to get ready 3 hours before your date in order to not look like a hooker. Change clothes 15 times - finding the perfect outfit 5 minutes before cute boy knocks on the door.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
So here I go....
-to grow closer to God, and to practice staying in the present moment
-by the end of 2014 to be debt free
-to reach my desired income goal
-to achieve my perfect body by 40 (we'll talk more about what "my perfect" means in a later post)
-to maintain a clean, neat, and organized home
-to publicly speak, write a book, be on TV and see this blog go viral
Ready, set, go..............
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Monday, December 30, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Merry Christmas to all! Xo
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Friday, December 20, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
Friday, December 13, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Saturday, December 7, 2013
I am going to come clean with the one rough thing I did go through... I felt cheated that I couldn't drink. You see I brought my alcoholism with me. That underline anxiety that I live with, well my body packed it along. It felt unfair that I couldn't, even on vacation, escape my emotions. My disease comes with me everywhere I go. And I'm not going to lie, that fricking sucks.
I wish I could jump on here and tell you it was the most peaceful and relaxing week of my life - but I can't. Don't get me wrong, it was pretty damn relaxing, but without a doubt my DISease was working overtime.
It's almost like I had this since of entitlement - I mean really I'm on vacation.....
Then reality and gratitude set in..The truth is the fact I am employable today, and have a job where I have earned vacation time is amazing. And the fact is if I was still drinking I'd be locked up. I am an alcoholic, and my alcoholism was getting uglier by the minute.
Sober vacations are something very new to me.
Sent from my iPad
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Family obligations are important, I believe they are what teach children that it isn't all about them, and that sometimes we show up for the love of others. Or for the flat out fear that our parents will kick our ass. I am grateful that my Mom made me suit up and show up even when I didn't want to go. Today I explained to my children that they were to get dressed nicely, and go make their father happy. After a bit of grumbling from the little one about having to wear a golf shirt, they headed off.
Now I quietly reflection on the blessings of the year. I never in a million years though that I would be where I am today. It is very easy to stay grateful when everything you, are and everything you have, feels like a miracle.
I have often said that if I could bottle up the feeling of gratitude I would. It is by far the best emotion ever!
Monday, November 25, 2013
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Emily was the 1st person I ever admitted to that I thought I was an alcoholic....I remember mamaof3 was a big contributor at that time and she provided her experience, strength & hope along with Emily. It was a Godsend!!!!! Those 2 women gave me the strength, willingness and "push" to go to my first 12 step meeting back in December 2009. I found AA to be an incredible fellowship of people who really "got" what I was going through....I had never experienced anything like that before...I was hooked! Many of you know my story....I stayed sober for 10 months with the help of my group, relapsed in Oct. 2010 for one day, then had 2 more single days of relapse and came back into the program in December 2010......again, stayed sober for another 10 months and then relapsed again 3 single days....after that I decided I needed to check into inpatient treatment and I did so on 12/2/11.....I had been sober for 3 days - thought about checking into rehab drunk off my ass, but what was the point when it would only totally piss off my totally supportive husband and prolong my stay because I had to go through detox....not worth it to me....but sober or not, I had to spend 3 days in detox and that was an eye-opening experience for me - I had 4 other roommates that were all detoxing from different drugs and it was REALLY scary to me....rehab was good - I stayed for 22 days - one of the best experiences of my life! Got out, came home, family was happy, I was happy, I went back to my Homegroup 5 days a week, got a sponsor, started working the steps and life was great.......I stayed sober, happily, for 22 months....Sobriety was awesome - something that I never thought I could have - those 22 months with my husband and my 2 boys were the best of my life! At 22 months, I decided in my own brain that I was totally tired of going to the same homegroup meetings everyday at noon and hearing the "same" stories from the "same" people day in and day out - hell.....I could skip the meeting and tell you what so & so said! I wasn't willing to take action.....Then the damn vodka was screamed my name!!! And there it came my 3rd relapse.....of course, I lied to my husband over the phone that night he was out of town on business...."I have NOT been drinking!!!! I can't believe you are even accusing me of it!!!!" .......well, you know the deal - I had been drinking :( The next day I admitted to him what he already knew to be true and I got the MOST vicious response I've ever gotten from him - it was all over the phone as he was still out of town on business, but he told me to SHUT UP & HE DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE LIES OUTTA MY LYING MOUTH!!!.....that totally startled me - he went on to say that he was done - he couldn't take anymore from me and my drinking - keep in mind, he has been totally & utterly supportive though 7 one day relapses in the past 4 years - not bad for an alkie, but how much can I really, honestly ask him to put up with before he gives me the boot???? He went on to advise me that he was contacting an attorney and having divorce papers drawn up.....he wasn't going to file them just yet.....instead, he was going to put them on a shelf in our home where I could see them everyday - as a reminder of what's to come if I drink again.....I have to admit, that totally rocked my world and scared the shit outta me, but I am at the point that I want my sobriety back for myself more so than for anyone else! Whether I'm with my husband and the boys or not, I want my sobriety back for ME!!!!
So I decided to be willing enough to go back into inpatient treatment....this time, not to a place right in my backyard.....I decided on Hazelden in Minnesota....and no, I hate cold weather - but I want to go there for the right reasons for me - not for a mini-vacation. My addiction counselor agreed and we began the process of setting everything up - she said that I had excellent insurance coverage and that I should look at it as a sign from my Higher Power that this is what I should do.....I took the plunge - I'm ready to surrender - FINALLY - after 4 years - I am willing to take whatever suggestions I am given from her and the other women in my homegroup - I do what they suggest cuz my ways & ideas are obviously NOT working!!!! Through preliminary phone calls, Hazelden tells me that all is good....we gather the boys and tell them that I'm going away again for 30 days - this time to a different state - but that it is all because Mom knows that she needs some help and is not afraid to admit it and ask for it....they were very understanding, supportive & loving - sad that I won't be here for Thanksgiving, but happy that I'm getting the help I need. An hour later, I do my 1 hr intake phone call with Hazelden - at the end, she throws out there her personal opinion that "I'm not that bad" and that "insurance may not cover the stay".....I began to craze!....but paused, quieted myself and told myself that God's Will for me would come through in the end.....fast forward to today.....my intake counselor called me again this morning and asked me to elaborate a bit for my need for inpatient treatment....I told her that I wasn't gonna lie about the last time I took a drink, that I was hanging on by going to 3 meetings a day in the interim (before getting into treatment) and that my husband travels a lot and my kids' schedules are crazy busy with school and sports which lends absolutely no time for me to focus on myself.....that was why I believed that 30 days of inpatient treatment would benefit me the most.....so now I sit and wait to hear back from them....I will admit that I'm a mess - I mean, I became willing to do this and leave my family again - FOR ME!!!.....we told the boys last nite...my plane ticket there is already booked & paid for this Saturday.....and NOW they are telling me that they don't know if my insurance company agrees that I'm "that bad" to require inpatient treatment....AYE-YI-YI!!!! But I'm not drinking over this little hiccup - not worth it - not gonna change anything - I can't control the outcome....I'll just wait and see what they have to say....patiently :)
Recovery is not an easy street by any means, but NEVER give up HOPE!!!! Even if they deny insurance coverage, I will proceed in a manner that enhances my recovery in some way or another - whether it be an intensive outpatient program or just continuing 3 meetings a day, working with my sponsor, growing my relationship with my higher power (which I believe is a crucial missing link) and doing the next right thing. I will NOT let this "possible" denial of inpatient treatment stop me from being a happy & free recovering alcoholic!
Love you Em & thanks so much for sharing with your readers.....I feel so much better :) Best to get all this crap out of our head instead of keeping it inside to fester and eventually cause us to return to the drink.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Sunday, November 3, 2013
I was almost forced to go a meeting. I got there, and after the speakers 3rd sentence I was at peace.
Hi! I'm Emily, a "stubborn" alcoholic!
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
I made a decision, one that was "healthy" for me, and in doing so I hurt someone. I feel guilty, and shameful about it. It makes me not want to blog.
But I get the whole we're as only as sick as our secrets. So blogging I am.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Sunday, October 13, 2013
I don't know if you know this about me, but I am a total small town junkie. They amaze me, it's like I can almost feel myself being back in that time.Bisbee is a old mining town in Arizona. They did such a wonderful job keeping it in tack that you feel and see every part of the history.
It was the best day trip ever!
So, in the program I stay sober we do steps. In the last 5 years I have used these steps to get sober, and to treat a mental illness. Just so there's no confusion here; alcoholism is a mental illness - I just happen to have two, it's referred to as co-occurring. Ok, enough clinical horse shit, let's get to the point here.
I've used the steps to treat, cure, and process every situation for 5 years..my alcoholism, smoking, my relationships, depression....EVERYTHING! It has been and will continue to be my 'go-to' therapy.
With that being said I will be spending whatever time it takes to figure out a way to step out -numerophobia- yes, I have a fear of numbers...it has affected me in huge ways, and I'm sure that it served a purpose in my life at some point, but now it's just getting in my way, and it is time to walk through it.
So here's some math; I reduced the issue to it's simplest form, so I could grab ahold of it enough to do step work on it.
I used the word reduced, that is progress.