Friday, December 19, 2014

Sharing from my journal...

This is a post I shared in my first year of blogging....sometimes old posts are the best posts!




I am going to blog throughout the day about sobriety....If you have any questions or comments please leave them. If you want to e-mail me directly do so at emilyism.com@gmail.com. Please trust me when I say you are never bothering me! Helping other people get and stay sober keeps me sober. It is my honor to help anyone that asks, if I can.

Here is an entry from my journal...

3 1/2 months sober
I am having a hard time with something and I have no idea what it is, my heart feels heavy. What is my problem (um...you're 3 months sober, now I know that was the problem) I know I should be grateful, and I am...that is all I can do. (yup, stay in gratitude:)
 I have no idea who I am, I feel at a loss for words. I feel boring and that I have no personality. I want to help people. I want to be funny, maybe I'm just not meant to be funny. I want to be the person that God wants me to be, but who the heck that is I have no clue!

I am so grateful I journaled my first year! There is one entry that says "I hope one day I can look back at this and have it be a faded memory." It so is now. I hope by me sharing my journal with you it makes you feel a little less alone. It gets better...I PROMISE! Emily

I am off to a meeting with my friend Stacy.

K, I'm back. Went to a meeting, got a hair-cut then took a nap. Sundays are great!

Here's a little more from my journal.....

7 months sober
I am finally learning how to turn my thoughts over. But I still walk around with an uncomfortable feeling, it is wearing on me. God please guide me and show me how to heal.

11 months sober
O' my God, life is amazing. Thank you God. I have never ever been happier.

Has every second of sobriety since then been bliss...no. I have suffered a depression in sobriety, been poor, almost homeless and cried a ton. What sobriety has given me is the tools to deal with anything that comes my way sober and with grace. Here is some wise advice my sponsor gave me "Don't drink, not even if your ass falls off."

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Self-Esteem

I work through my stuff differently than some people. Instead of continually looking at the root of an issue,  I look at where that root is affecting me in life today. I already know where the root of most of my stuff comes from and to think that I can pull out an entire tree that has completely formed who I am is ridiculous. I have also found that sometimes it's not a deep issue at all and that the correction is as simple as pulling off a dead leaf. The more I do this the more my self-esteem grows.

I am seeing that the  stuff we go through as children greatly affects out self esteem. As adults we have a chance to work on that. We get self esteem by doing esteem able stuff.

I am really working on self-esteem these days - I'm also working on staying in the moment and like 100% other things...but self-esteem is for sure on the top of my list.


Monday, December 1, 2014

No More Babies

Today I went to get my tubes tied.  There was a mix up with my insurance and it didn't happen. After eight hours of not eating or drinking and mentally preparing myself for surgery finding out it wasn't going to happen (at least not today) brought up all sorts of emotions.

I have not always been responsible when it come to birth control, and me getting my tubes tied was my way of being responsible for my own body. So on one note not having it happen today was very disappointing.

With that being said, in the car on the way there I started to freak out...what if I meet someone and they want kids. The happiest time of my life was when the boys were little. I absolutely loved raising them. So today when I asked myself if I was positive that I didn't want anymore kids I couldn't answer with 100%  certainty that I didn't. Then the surgery didn't end up happening....Odd or God?

I am pretty damn sure I don't want any more kids. Really, I am! But I'll be honest today I spooked a little bit. I need to look at that a bit more. My surgery is rescheduled for the 23rd. Lets see if it's in Gods plan for me then.


Here's a questions for you ... Does the maternal part of us always have a bit of longing for another baby? Does that ever completely go away?





Sunday, November 23, 2014

7 years ago...

I always feel like I need to say something brilliant and profound on my sobriety date. I don't really have much - but here is an attempt


7 years ago I had no job, no friends and no self esteem. I was broken to the core. I can proudly say that is not the case anymore. This morning when I got my chip I was surrounded by people that love me...friends! Tomorrow I will go to a job that I absolutely love...job! I know my worth and can set healthy boundaries...self-esteem!

Thank you for all of your love and support. Words can not explain how important you guys have been to my sobriety!!






Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I was that Girl

This weekend at one of my events we had a little hiccup. The night was going wonderfully, everyone is calm and happy and then.......

A very intoxicated woman takes a tumble down our stairs (luckily we were not the ones who over served her) Here she is on the stairs, crying and confused and completely lost. I held her and rocked her back and forth as she cried in my arms - so sad :( Once 911 arrived  Firemen do what they normally do with intoxicated people....5 firemen in your face asking you questions does not help matters - I know this because as the title of this post says, I was that girl. It took me back to a place I never want to go again.

As I come up on 7 years of sobriety I find myself forgetting what it was life. I NEVER want to underestimated the horrible shape I was in before I got sober - Losing my mind, in and out of institutions, driving drunk, wanting to die...It was horrible and going back there is not a choice for me.

This weekend I had a glimpse at the life I've left behind....probably just what I needed.  


Friday, November 14, 2014

Through my Childs Eyes

Gavin --------------
Ms. Lucky
English I Period 4
28 October 2014
Road to Recovery
When I was growing my Mom was a major drinker. She got her second DUI  when I was  only 6. She spent a couple weeks in jail. When I was 7 she decided to stop drinking because if she got another DUI she would spend years in prison and never be able to drive again. This led her to take a road to recovery.

My Mom like most alcoholics had an incrediblely  hard time giving up what helped  her keep herself together. Her sponsor Nancy helped her get through this hard part of her life. Nancy is an older woman who has been in recover upwards of 40 years. Until my Mom could reestablished herself and gets her license back she would go to 1 or 2 AA meeting a day.  Going to this many meeting really help her thrive in life. 

She started a website called emilyism.com to help other alcoholic’s mom get through their struggles. She would blog daily and her website progressively got more and more popular. She was put in an article for People Magazine about her story. She was also on a episode of Dr. Phil talking to help other alcoholic women. She later starred in a documentary about other alcoholic mom called Lipstick and Liquor.

Until my Mom got her car back times were very hard when I was living with her. We were very poor and could hardly afford food. As soon as my mom got back on her feet she started to work for Bill Johnson’s Big Apple where she found herself loving her job as there Event Coordinator. She loved her job because they feed minor league for baseball teams during spring training. For me,  being a giant baseball fan, this was a dream.  I go to hang out in the Cub’s Club house and talk to baseball player it was amazing.

After 2 years of working for Bill Johnson’s Big Apple she realized that the restaurant was going to have to close soon. So she bravely quit and started her own business called ETC. by Emily. It an employment/concierge company. My mom said that “She will make 100,000 dollars per year within the first 5 years of start of her business”. She is still trying to get  but with her skill I believe that she will be able to do it.


When I was younger I didn’t truly understand everything my Mom has gone through. Now that I do I have very much respect for how and how hard she has work to become the person that she is today. I’m proud that she has overcame every obstacle that has gotten in her way whether it be drinking, smoking or finding a job. I’m just proud to say she’s my Mom! 

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Depression Sucks

JLately have been suffering from a little bit of depression. NOTHING like the depressions that I have had in the past - thank God! It is mild and I'm not even sure I would notice except that these days I am decently in tune with myself physically and emotionally.

My life is great right now - amazing actually! The dreams and goals that I have set for myself are all being accomplished. I am happy and grateful. No reason to be depressed....right!? 

Well, I wish someone would tell my depression that! How do I even know that I'm depressed? I'm a little more tired than normal, a bit more distracted. Depression tired is not like normal tired...if you suffer from depression you probably know what I mean. 

I am watching it carefully. Sometimes depression happens when I am processing something - consciously or subconsciously. Like the grief cycle it does what it needs to do in order to heal and then the depression lifts. Then there's the other kind of depression, the one that takes a med change to pull out of.

That's the tricky part  - is my current depression situational and will it pass on it's own? Or is it clinical and time to readjust my anti-depression? (yes, I take one. I tried a year without it and spent almost the entire year on the couch) 

For now Easy Does It.....Yoga, meetings, naps, prayer and meditation. 

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Settling - ever single persons fear.

 I was talking to my mom the other day and we were discussing finding a partner. I'm coming to see that as you get older there's a decent amount of compromising that needs to occur. Instead of shooting for that 'Oh my God, take your breath away, I can't believe I found him, lusty love that last like five seconds..you start looking for a companion..someone who has the same morals and goals as you - someone who would make a good partner. This transition is hard for me to swallow. But as I sit here 10 years after my divorce still single I am seeing that what I truly want is a companion - someone to grow with. 

With that being said I'd rather be alone than be with someone just because they are a "good choice"  I'm up for compromising and realizing that people aren't perfect - but out and out settling is out of the question.

I'm a little bit cranky today - sorry for the relationship rant. 








A Ray of Light

Christie is part of my much loved yoga family. She is a true ray of light. May her story of recovery bring hope and love to your heart. Thank you, Christie for sharing your story. I love you. 


As a suicide attempt survivor, and also having lost my own Father to suicide, this topic is very near and dear to my heart. I'm 35 years old and so very lucky to be sitting here writing this. I have had 3 very serious suicide attempts over the past few years, each time landing me in the ICU fighting for my precious life. Each time I tried to kill myself, I failed. Was there something more this world needed me around to finish?
Almost two years ago, I was on death's doorstep. I got extremely depressed and took 14 full bottles of prescription pills and anything else l could find that would put me out of my misery. I felt like I was all alone, floating on a rickety raft sinking in the far-out ocean. That is just how horrible and real my sadness felt to me. I had plenty of loved ones around and close, none of that mattered....I simply wanted the pain to stop.

As soon as I downed the last bottle I realized that I was going to die. I reached out to my twin sister, and her and my brother-in-law, Matt, rushed over, scooped me up and took me to the emergency room.

When I was admitted to the ER, I was still somewhat coherent and they immediately had me drink lots of activated charcoal; cups and cups full. I was then starting to become so out of it that I was having the charcoal pour all down my mouth and chin. Then, that's about the time things got really bad. I had to have tubes placed down my throat to pump my stomach and tubes up my nose-- I honestly don't even know what all was done to me, and maybe that is for the best.

I was then quickly rushed to the ICU (intensive car unit) on what I guess was the cardiac side. My heart was giving up and stopping; everything in my body was quickly shutting down as my body laid there preparing to die. I went into a deep coma and all I know is that they were constantly working on me, for days and days, to get me stable.

In the time I was in the ICU, I had the best doctors, nurses and room sitters (people employed through the hospital who watch you every second). I am not sure what day I woke up from the coma. But, I couldn't eat because the tubes hurt my throat and tummy so much. I couldn't walk; everything hurt. My eyes were so dilated they were solid black and I could hardly see anything. Physical therapists had to help me walk again. My friends and family all flooded my room with love and support to bring me back to life. This was right before Christmas 2012 and my room was literally blanketed in pure Christmas joy; trees, holiday flowers, nutcrackers, etc, as I was fighting hard to survive what I had done to myself. Just to recall those long days in an area of the hospital where most people don't walk out alive from, is seriously chilling.

Fast forward to Christmas Day 2012, my most favorite day of the year! A room sitter colored my nose tube tape red so I looked like Rudolph; that was amazing. The doctor came in and we went over what my daily life would be like from there. Her words as I recall were, " Merry Christmas. I want you to know that you are very lucky and blessed, as most people admitted here in the ICU with cardiac arrest, do not walk out of this hospital alive. " I think about that every single day of my life.

I'm sorry to have put my loved ones through this.

Jenny, my twin sister, had taken these photos, and I'm so thankful for the reminder of the worst times in my life and just how far I have come. One of my favorite yoga instructors once said, "The biggest the challenge or obstacle, the bigger the transformation." Well, boy do I have one strong comeback!

I have always loved the holidays. Christmas has a new meaning for me; I'm alive. I can help people with what I have learned in my recovery.
One huge help in my recovery was to start DBT therapy. This is nothing crazy, it's just another way to retrain your brain to think and react to things without being impulsive. I highly suggest this to anyone struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts. Also, I found a love of yoga and meditation. I now start every day with a yoga class! I have started eating better and truly nourishing my body with food, instead of turning to my compulsive binge over-eating to cope with the myriad disappointments and stress in life. I also transformed my once very negative thinking to using the power of the law of attraction; like thoughts attract like thoughts. Between dbt therapy, yoga & meditation, eating healthier and using the law of attraction, I have 100% turned my life around.

I'm literally the luckiest woman to ever grace this lovely planet.

What a beautiful difference a little time makes!

Happy Holidays! 
-Christie

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Easy Does It........

I am forcing myself to relax and sit on the couch until my event at 5:00. I am answering phone calls and emails...but I am doing so from the couch. This is hard for me to do - I almost feel guilty about it which is ridiculous because I am exhausted and I know it is what I need.

It is event season in my world. I eat, breath and sleep events from October until June. I dream about them when I sleep, and normally wake up fearing that I have forgot one (praying before I go to bed will probably help that one) and when I am not at one I am doing the planning, staffing, etc. for the next one. I love what I do.....but I can only do what I do if I stay healthy....

So couch time it is!


Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Asking for what I want/need....

In my life I am trying to communicate my wants and needs clearly.  It isn't anyone else's responsibility to take care of my needs or wants but it is certainly my responsibility to communicate them clearly - as I have found that if I don't I end up unfairly pissed at someone and they have no reason why. That leads to resentments and we all know that resentments are disastrous for alcoholics.

So here's the deal and this may sound spoiled and bratty - but this is my blog and I will be a brat if I want...when I ask someone (especially someone I am in a romantic relationship with or thinking of being in a romantic relationship with) for what I want or need (and it is within reason) for the first time in my life I expect them to do it...WHY? Because I would do it for them...and  I am  worth at least what I am willing to give. Simple as that. 

I have had habit of putting myself on sale (for lack of a better term) I would fit into their life instead of someone fitting into mine, I have readjusted schedules and comprised what I needed and wanted. Part of the reason is this...I don't really care. I don't really care if we hang out at your house instead of mine, I don't really care if we do what you want to do most of the time and I don't really mind adjusting my schedule. I haven't cared until now...now I care. 

If you are lucky enough (my self-esteem returning) to be the person I am vulnerable enough that I share my wants and needs - think about doing it - I am worth it - and I would do it for you!  








Monday, November 3, 2014

AA ER

I'm on my way to what I call a triage meeting. It's like AA ER. I allowed myself to get irritable, restless and discontent. When I go to meetings on a regular basis this rarely if ever happens. When I go to one meeting a week and one thing goes wrong in my life it sends me into a tail spin.  

Meeting is starting..... 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Anger

It's my least favorite emotion. The feeling of being angry actually scares me. I feel like if I opened up and let out how angry I truly am it would be a mess! I have always seen anger as a kind of self-pity. How could I possibly be super angry about the experiences I have gone through in my life and be grateful at the same time? 

So for just a moment I'm going to allow myself a moment of anger and self-pity… I have been through some things in my life that are pretty horrible and I've wanted to asked God..."Are you fucking kidding me? How did you ever expect for one girl to get through all of that?!....See it does sound like self-pity. 

I did get through it - but not without a shit load of bruising.

If anyone has any advice on releasing anger in a healthy way I would be glad to take it! 

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Breaking the Cycle

There were/are things I need to know that I could do in a relationship in order to move forward in any sort of healthy anything. The first was that I could end a serious relationship if I had to - and the other was that I could end a potential relationship the minute I figured out that there was a deal breaker.

For me getting "stuck" in a relationship I don't want to be in is one of my greatest fears. It has happened and I don't want it to happen again. My ability to trust that I have the strength and courage to remove myself from an unhealthy situation is critical, as I believe it will greatly impact my future relationships.

I will eventually have to learn to stay in a relationship even when boundaries have been crossed, or they are annoying the hell out of me, or whatever... but that's a later lesson - for now I am just practicing trusting myself.







Monday, October 27, 2014

Friends First

Today I did my 5th step on the 4th step I did a few post back. I found out something very important...I'm not half as screwed up as I thought I was. YEAH! (I do have some work ahead of me, but the good news is that without even knowing I have been making steps in the right direction)

I have dated one way most of my life. It looked something like this...boy meets girl, boy kisses girl on 2nd or 3rd date, boy and girl are now in a relationship...It's how it has always gone - some call it 'falling' which for me is complete crap...it's actually lust and the life span on it is about 3 months. I have done this A LOT of times, and I am over it.

I've been told numerous time that you learn to date my dating - so if someone I kinda like asks me out I'll go....but a friendship needs to be built first. Men aren't really loving that idea, but that's tough.

My heart is special and I'm not just handing it over to anyone.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

A Catch

In my life I have been told that I am a "catch" I've never really let that sink in as normally the person telling me is a man that I just met .... and really what I want to say is "How do you know?" But I don't, I just say thank you.

Last night was one of the first times that I felt maybe I was a catch, maybe I am special..defects and all.

I don't know how to explain what is special about me....I go to say that I'm laid back and to some extent that is true - but it's more than that. During my marriage I was so high strung - I bossed him around, worried about shit that totally didn't matter, and had to have control over every situation. I'm not that person anymore - thank God.

I have some work to do when it comes to my romantic relationships. But I think that work may be a little bit easier now that I see as far as chicks go I'm a pretty cool one - if I do say so myself...lol




Friday, October 17, 2014

No Filters

I am finding myself very conscious of what I blog these days. I don't want any old boys to get their feelings hurt - and  I don't want any new ones to see that I have issues with boys. Nor do I want to be ask what the hell cool sculpting is?

But then remember that I made a choice to live my life out loud. I made the decision to share my pain, happiness and growth whatever it maybe. Waiting till my life and blog are all perfect and healthy isn't an option. That's not real life.

I have a date tonight - which is probably the worst idea ever. But maybe it isn't. Maybe it's a chance for me to learn to date without mentally taking it halfway down the aisle.

Anyway I'll tell you all about my date tomorrow.  Regardless of how the company is we're going for desserts so no matter what it can't suck that badly. 




Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Pain = Growth

They say that pain equals growth. I hope that this is true. I am in a decent amount of emotional pain right now. It seems that a can of whoop ass was open on Friday and I can't seem to get the lid back on.

Sunday I took a deep breath and asked the advice of another alcoholic....that is of course after signing up for Match.com to try and fill the void - seriously!? Cause trying to fix the issue with more of the exact same issue always works great!

Anyway back to the advice of the other alcoholic...she asked if I had ever done a mini 4th step on relationships (4th step is taking a inventory) I said "no" and asked her if I had to go all the way back to my Dad (who is probably the root of these issues)  she loving said "no." Thank God! She suggested that I inventory all of my relationships since my divorce. I started the work this morning and right away saw a pattern that was upsetting. That's the thing about having a bit of time in recovery...you can see your own shit. I only got a little bit of it done today - as I found it very uncomfortable work! Baby steps.

Here's the deal with doing painful work - it is alway, always worth it. God has shown me this time and time again. I trust the process of the steps. So I will do my work. I will face and look at things that may make me uncomfortable or upset, because God is trying to clear the way for something great - I have full faith in that.

This too shall pass.


Pearl MedSpa and Cool Sculpting

Over the last 5 years something has happened to my body that I am totally not loving. I would like to blame it on the fact I have had kids - but I can't - as I had a perfectly flat stomach up until I was 35. But at 35 something happened - like my metabolism came to a screeching halt. Cellulite, fat and weight that I had never dealt with before showed up. Uggg.....

Fat, lets talk about it...I mean lets REALLY talk about it. Normally when my "fat" is bothering me it is because I am packing on some extra weight. Extra weight = fat...Right?! But what about when you don't have any extra weight? What about when you've worked your ass of (in my case literally..squats needed!) When you've eaten as healthy as you possible can, and you still have fat - what then?? Do you just except that it is what it is and move on.....UMM-NO....not if you are me. I'm not looking to be perfect. But what I am looking for is to put on whatever t-shirt or tank top I want and not have a muffin top or side handles...plain and simple- that's what I want.

I do not have the money or time for liposuction - it isn't a option. But I did hear about this procedure called "cool sculpting" - a machine that literally freezers your fat, allowing your body to release it naturally over time. Seriously! Sounds like a magic machine to me!

I have been given the opportunity to have this procedure done by Pearl MedSpa and to write an open and honest review on the experience. The girls at Pearl MedSpa have been amazing, knowledgeable and kind. When I shared about my alcoholism the love I received was untouchable. I feel at ease every time I walk in there - which is good because I'll be walking in there quite a bit in the next few weeks! 

I am excited to share this journey with you! I can't wait to tell you all about the "magic machine" Picture coming soon! 



Sunday, October 12, 2014

Bring yesterday into Today

I had a terrible day at work yesterday. Most of it was of my own doing, which always sucks. Even though I have looked at what can be corrected, it's still screwing with my serenity. A few minutes ago I looked at when the last time I went to a meeting was - Um last Sunday, really?! I'm sure there are  people in the world that can go to a meeting every now and then - I am not one of them. It annoys me when it's an afterthought. I've always had a rough time with the fact that when I'm at my busiest, when I have the most on my plate is when I need a meeting the most. Here I am with a  million things going on and I have this stupid disease that makes me stop everything I'm doing - and go to a meeting. The very thing I don't feel like doing is the absolute thing that I must. It sucks sometimes. Really I want to just lay in bed all day and watch Netflix, but the fact is that will not help my crazy thinking. Off to a meeting! 

Friday, October 10, 2014

Moving Right along..,,

Lunch went great yesterday. Thank you to those of you who prayed for me. It's tough talking business in an anxiety ridden state - but I did it and it went perfectly. I got one of my clients a very large opportunity that they wouldn't of had otherwise...  I asked for a courage commission...FUNNY!!! Lol

When the relationship (or whatever you want to call it) with {{we need a funny name for him}}  ended I went to my sponsor to talk about it and she said words that I probably will never forget, she said "you still have a sweet heart, protect it." I understand what she was saying. Each time I let my heart get hurt it hardens just a little bit. One of the special things about me is that I still have the ability to love at a huge level. I still have my heart to give, it isn't complety broken (some cracks maybe but I have faith that those can be filled with love) For now my heart is safely in Gods hands. I trust him to protect it and know that when the time is right my prince will come (yes, I very much have a 12 little girl inside me) 

Off to work! Xo 


Thursday, October 9, 2014

Sick Excitment

Tomorrow I am having a business lunch with an x-boyfriend. If you know me than you know that my x's are some of my best friends - this one is not. Not really because he's a jerk or because he did anything wrong, but because our friendship only ends up in one place - and it isn't at the dinner table...sometime on the table but not at the table - if you know what I mean. (Sorry Mom!)

I am having some serious anxiety over this. It resembles the feeling of sick excitement that I use to love during my drinking days. I'm not liking it at all. The truth is I'm really excited to see him ....okay the real truth is I'm really excited for him to see me. I have worked really hard on looking my best  over the last month and I feel very good about myself. There is a very big part of me that wants him to be sorry. Even though he wasn't a complete jerk, I did allow him to be treat me in a totally unacceptable way. I'll cut myself a break on that one, as he was my first boyfriend in sobriety.

That's really all I have to say. I felt that writing about it may help.

Please wish me peace and serenity tomorrow - as I will need it!




Monday, October 6, 2014

Sponsorship

Today I had a moment that took my breath away - I love and care about the women I work with in sobriety to an almost indescribable level. I am protective of them - sometimes overly so. I have this maternal instinct to take care of them. With that being said I am also extremely hard on them. The work I ask them to do is often extremely painful. But they do it, most of the time with very little griping. 

They are courageous and I love them.

 If you are trying to get sober and you don't have a sponsor I strongly suggest you get one. It is one of the most wonderful relationships you will ever have in your life. 

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Options

A friend wrote a blog post the other day about options and how they aren't alway that great of a thing. I try so hard to stay opened and flexible in most areas of my life. I want everything to be by Gods design and in order for that to happen I have to leave the outcome of situations up to The Lord. With that being said I think I may have been too loose at times looking at everything as an option, when the fact is that it isn't. 

Dating a man who doesn't believe in God- not an option. Lying or cheating to further my career- not an option. Putting anything in front of my children-not an option. Moving to Antarctica- not option. I think you get my point. 

As obvious as it sounds that those things wouldn't be an option I still tend to find myself negotiating with things that really should have a hard line.

Just the mindset of something not being an option has truly truly changed my life over last few days.

Getting a new perspective on things is always an option!

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Helping Others

I have been a little bit torn about which direction to go in my life lately, I have so many amazing opportunities in front of me. I have prayed numerous times over the last few months to help me with my path. 

Something happened today that reminded me of why I started this blog. When I got sober I was more lonely than I could ever described. My insides felt like shattered glass. I started this blog and I went public so nobody else would ever have to feel that lonely.

I had the opportunity to tell somebody my story this afternoon. She shared her experience of seeing the Dr. Phil show I was on and shared with me how it had affected her. 

I sometimes forget that my true job in life is to help other people. If I was asked what my one purpose on earth was, the answer would be - to be of service. I sometimes forget that but today I got a beautiful reminder.









Thursday, September 25, 2014

Balance

I'm am a Mother, daughter, business owner, employee, blogger, public speaker, yogi and a women in recovery...... BALANCE - without it I am a mess. Shit, who am I kidding even when I have it I'm sometimes a mess. 

When I first got sober I had two things to balance - being a Mom and staying sober. That was all I had in me. I had nothing more to give. I was really sick. At the end of the day when I layed my head down sober I had accomplished all I needed to. 

It's still the same really - if I stay sober it's a win. But sobriety has given me this big huge full life that I am so, so grateful for that.  I think the gratitude is the reason that sometimes I feel like I need to do it all perfectly. Perfectionism...ugh! 

Lately I've had to go back to the basics and remind myself to love and embrace the beautiful blessing of my sobriety and to stay in the moment. 

As busy and crazy as it can be, my life is truly blessed.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Setting a Goal

I have a friend who just started blogging, and does it daily. It's a nice treat to know that when I click on his blog there will be fresh content for me to read. That use to be the case on here. In fact you could click on here numerous times per day and find something new. Then life happened....which I am so not complaining about, but I made a commitment when I started this blog that it would always be here - that it wouldn't be the kind of blog you feel in love with and then disappeared. I promised myself that I would blog in sickness and in health, that I would share my heart with you, and I hoped in return you would share your heart with me and the other readers....and for a very long time that is exactly what happened. It was amazing.

I am sorry if you are on of those readers who looked forward to content,  and then clicked on here only to find less and less of it over the years.

I am good at sticking to the goals I set. So I am setting a goal to blog more often. (((hug)))  

Monday, September 22, 2014

Annette visits Arizona

If you've read emilyism.com for any amount of time then chances are you know who Annette is...if not, she is the first friend I made on emilyism. She saw my article in People magazine and then emailed me. It's been insta friendship since. She has been the emilyism editor and quite often the comment moderator. There was a time when people had to be reminded that this blog is here to be a safe place for people to share their hope, fear, happiness and struggles - the only way to do that is to keep it kind and loving in the comment section. There's enough blogs out there where people can be assholes - this is not one of them.

I don't know if Annette knows this but there was a time in recovery where she absolutely saved my ass. After the Dr. Phil show came out I was so overwhelmed that I could hardly function. On top being totally overwhelmed from the show I was also going through a horrible break up and I had decided to quit smoking - because God forbid I do anything in moderation. She sent me a meeting reminder e-mail every morning through that time. Some times they were serious, sometimes they were very funny, but they came like clock work every morning. They were a life line and the thing I used to tell myself that I was okay.  Here she was thinking I was saving her ass, when truly she was saving mine (God is so smart) I am truly blessed to have her in my life.

We had a wonderful visit this weekend. Were's a picture to prove it.....







Thursday, September 18, 2014

No Time

I just recently rejoined Weight Watchers and went back to yoga. I am in my first year of starting a  business. I took on a part-time job that is quickly turning into a full-time one. I am raising two teenage sons - all while trying to work a recovery program strong enough to keep me sane and sober. It's a lot.

Don't get me wrong - I am not complaining. I have an amazing life. The only reason I am bringing it up is an x-boyfriend said I was incapable of being in a emotionally healthy relationship. He was wrong - I am capable - I am just too fucking busy catching up on the 10 years of life I missed while I was shit faced.


Sunday, September 14, 2014

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Sunday Sober Fact:

The thing is you don't want to tell your sponsor are the things you need to tell your sponsor.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Baby Steps

As my last few post talked about, I've been in a bit of a change/depression/funk whatever you want to call it. The answer to these spells is always the same....

Baby steps. 

If I go into panic mode and scurry about trying to change everything at once I end up crashing and burning. But if I take a deep breath, put my faith in God, and put one foot in front of the other I do okay. 

More meetings, healthy eating, back to yoga........and in time the funk lifts - it always does. 

I would be wise to remember that when I get off course it is always the same result...ugh. 

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Getting off the freeway sooner...



I heard the term "getting off the freeway sooner" from a friend. I liked it. 

In life we may choose the wrong road numerous times, but as we grow we learn to see that we are headed in the wrong direction. That the road we are on takes us to places we do not want to go. So we start getting off an exit sooner. We recognize sooner and sooner that we are once again on the wrong road.  

We may still get on the wrong freeway but as time goes on and lessons are learned we find ourselves gettin off on the very next exit. 


Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Just Do your Best

I have been having a very difficult time lately. A lot of change and growth- neither of which are comfortable. 

Today I found myself sucked into self-pity. It was actually paralyzing. My mind has a sneaky way of convincing me that I have a right to feel sorry for myself. But the deal with self-pity is it's toxic - and completely blocks you from the sunlight of the spirit. 

So I called out. I called out to God, Jesus, all of the saints, and the angels too.... and what came to me was - Just do your best. Sometimes it's as simple as that. 

A deep breath and a reminder that doing your best is always good enough.

Friday, August 22, 2014

AGING ALPHA: Vulnerability

AGING ALPHA: Vulnerability: My 17 year old daughter declared I need to be more vulnerable.  Perplexed, I asked what she meant.  After all, the past decade+ has been spe...

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

No Second Chances

I truly want this to be the most impactful blog post I ever write. I have gone to more funerals in sobriety that I have in my entire life. It is heart breaking to see what the disease does - this disease that millions have but nobody wants to talk about. Well,  I'm going to talk about it - and I'm going to keep on talking about it - because if I don't it will win.

The ripple affect - an alcoholic only sees what it does to them and most of the time not even that - but it doesn't just affect them, it hurts the entire family.  Below is a picture of a very good friend of mine holding the hand of her 56 year old mother as she dies from alcoholism. No child deserves that.



We think we have forever to get sober - we think that it'll never happen to us - I mean really? I'm not a daily drinker - you don't have to be to get cirrhosis.  Alcoholism is fatal - and that's not me being dramatic.

This Mom gave birth to 4 amazing children, and left then with the last vision of her in full liver failure, yellow and clinging to life.  I share their story in the hopes that it saves other children from going through the pain they did.

There are no second chances, there isn't a rewind button when you are on your death bed ... only regret.

If you're reading this you still have time. You are so lucky and so blessed. If you're wondering if it's time to get sober - it is.




RIP  Kathy ... may you now be the angel your children deserve <3 nbsp="" p="">

Saturday, August 16, 2014

My One

I want the though of you to excite me - to feel your presents in my soul. 

I want to know that you think I am the sexiest thing out there. When I see that 'look' in your eyes I so know where we're headed when we get home. But then there's this other look - the one that tells me I am adored and protected and so, so loved - the one that makes me feel safe. That one makes me give YOU the 'look' 

You safely bring my mind to places it's never been. I can tell you anything - knowing that even though you may give me a new way to look at it - you are always, always on my side. 

You are my safe spot, and I am yours. 

People look at what we have - and shoot for it.   

Monday, August 11, 2014

One More

One more amazing and incredible person dies of this disease - honestly I don't ever want to fucking talk about it.

Heartbreaking. 

RIP Robin Williams 

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Saturday, July 26, 2014

10 things to do besides drink....

1. Take a walk
2. Pray
3. Go to a meeting
4. Call a friend 
5. Eat something sweet
6. Clean the house
7. Journal
8. Play a game with your kids
9. Watch a netflix series 
10. Comment on this blog :) 

Monday, July 14, 2014

The Beginning

I keep on getting questions about the beginning of soberity. 

The beginning is rough. I was lucky in that I knew I couldn't drink anymore, and I knew without a doubt that I couldn't quit on my own. That denial of maybe I could moderate, or maybe I wouldn't drink or drive this time, or maybe I would stop making embarrassing phone calls late at night or maybe or maybe or maybe was lifted from me. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results - I finally came to the point where I understand what that meant and I stop bullshitting myself. 

Denial was over for me. I knew I was an alcoholic and I knew I needed help. I was luck to know someone in recovery that I could call on. For that I will be forever grateful. She walked me into the rooms of recovery. And by the grace of God I stayed.

You are worth recovery. You are! I promise. If you have questions you can ask them in the comment section here - there are people everywhere willing to help her. You don't have to do it alone. 


Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Baking Phase

I'm going through a baking phase. My boyfriend is a happy man, and Gavin figured out he loves pineapple upside down cake. What else is there to do when it's 115 outside?!?! 

Friday, June 27, 2014

Asking for help

I have every reason to be in fear right now - I am financially living one day at a time (again) but I'm not in fear. I've been here before  and my faith has gotten me through (and a ton of help from my family and friends) 

I will admit I do have "the voice" the one that sounds like this "for Godsake you are 40 years old, get your shit together. There's no reason you should still be needing help" But the fact is everyone needs help - it may not always  be financial - it may be spiritual, emotional or physical - but everyone needs it. 

Asking is tough. Infact asking for help may be one of the hardest things I have to do (the voice doesn't help) Right now in my life I have no choice but to ask for help. I know I'm doing everything I can. Like my last post said "I am trying" 

How many of you need help, but are scared to ask? 

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Dash

I got asked an interesting question today....What would your head stone say? Good Mom? Genuine and caring person? I didn't really know how to answer it right off the bat - but it did get me thinking.....

Isn't it really about the dash. What have I accomplished in the time God has given me on earth. Have I been kind? Have I been loving and empathetic to people who are suffering? Did I try not to judge what I didn't  understand. Did I take the lessons God gave me and help people with that wisdom? Did I let my heart lead even though that can be painful. Did I live a life that I can be proud of?

The answer to all of the above is ... sometimes...but the fact is I try. If at the end of each day I can at least say I genuinely tried than that is good enough for me.

Emily Sadler
1974-
Everyday she woke up and tried to be the best person she could be.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Trudging

I've had some back to back hard days lately. At this point in my recovery I know they are temporary and that they will pass. I didn't always know that - I use to think bad days would last forever. They don't. I know that today. But that does not stop them from sucking. 

There's nothing really "wrong" going on in my life - I'm just feeling very flat line. For a girl who was always chasing chaos and drama flat line can be a pretty uncomfortable place. I realize that it is me growing in recovery. I get it - but just because I get it doesn't mean I like it.  

Trudging - I hate that word - but I suppose it is what I am doing right now. 


Thursday, June 12, 2014

The time this blog saved my life.....

I had a meeting today that turned out nothing like I thought it would be. It started out having nothing to do with this blog - and ended with this blog, along with Lipstick and Liquor and the other pieces of media I have done being the main discussion.

When I was sharing about emilyism.com I got to the point in its story where it truly saved my sanity. If you've followed this blog over the years then you know that I went through a very rough patch right after the Dr. Phil show aired. It was like a emotional perfect storm. There are a few times in sobriety that had I not been sober I would have needed to be institutionalized - and that was one of them. I could hardly leave the house, and putting words and thoughts together was nearly impossible. I blogged through it. I logged on and blogged. Sometimes it was just a quote, but I said something - I believe it stopped me from getting completely and totally  trapped in my own mind.

Today at me meeting I said "When I started emilyism.com I didn't care if it helped 1 person or a million - I just wanted it help someone - and during that time it was okay that was just me" When it came out of my mouth I was reminded how special this blog is.

Thank you - thank all of you and please know that there was a time (more that 1 one actually) that you truly kept me sober and sane....and for that I am so, so grateful.


Thursday, June 5, 2014

Dear God,

I am sorry - Yesterday I was frustrated, and lashed out at you. I felt like I had asked you for help on a specific situation so many times that it was my right to get frustrated with you. Thank you for loving me anyway. And thank you for listening.

It is two hours before my meeting and I am showered, packed and I have prayed - that is proof that not only did you hear me but you were listened. Thank you for giving me the motivatation to change what is frustrating me in my life.

Is it weird to say that you are my favorite thing ever? Anyway - you are! 

I love you and thanks again! 

Xo,
Em

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Surrender

In the beginning of sobriety I spent a huge amount of time on my knees in front of my bed...not sitting up in a prayer like manner...but slumped over the bed in a state of complete surrender. I had had it. Mentally, spiritually and physically I was so uncomfortable that there truly was nothing else I could do but pray. If the truth be told it was much more like begging that praying...but whatever works! And it did work, it truly did.

I was thinking today about how infrequently I actually hit my knees these days.  For a girl who spend her first hear of sobriety slumped over her bed in a state of surrender you'd like I'd hit them a little more often.

Note to self:
You are not too busy to hit your knees everyday!

Friday, May 30, 2014

A New Day

I ended up going to a meeting last night. Today in my soberity sitting around feeling like shit and feeling sorry for myself just doesn't fly. 

I bet if I read back I would find a pattern in May/June of not feeling well. As many of you know I live in Arizona -  May is the beginning of the HEAT, and seems to chemically affect me. I don't really have a solution as of yet, so for now I'm just going to recognize it as a pattern and pray about it from there. 

For me the beginning of any change starts with prayer...... 

Thursday, May 29, 2014

It's a Pity Party kind of Day

FWD:
can't find my computer cord, I just spent $150 I didn't have on gavin's football, I completely emotionally ate everything I could from McDonald's, I know I should go to yoga or a meeting but I absolutely don't feel like it. I am a fucking mess and I want a hug.

This is the pity party text that I just sent to a friend. I am having a shitty day. Ugh! 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

God's Will for Me

Yesterday I was having a  conversation with my new boyfriend; (yes, I  have a new boyfriend!) we were talking about our prayer life and how often we pray for things other that God's will for us. We decided to try and go 7 days praying only for the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

The first thing I have noticed is how often I pray - my thought are almost always in a constant state of prayer. For an alcoholic like me that is necessary to keep my sanity. This little experiment has brought to my attention how many things I ask for while in prayer.....seriously....."God help me with this, God help me with that ... blah, blah, blah"

I know God wants us to come to him with our troubles -  but I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to be giving him the solution to them - which I totally have been been doing.

Here's to my week of praying - without telling God what to do! :)




Wednesday, May 7, 2014

One Comment

One comment saved this blog. Yesterday I decided to stop blogging - partly out of self pity (no one reads it anyway, there's never any comments...blah, blah, blah) and partly because I really haven't had much to say.

Then I read a comment and remembered why I started this blog in the first place - it was to help people feel less alone.  

I still don't have much to say - but I will keep blogging anyway.


Tuesday, April 22, 2014

A Woman's Love

I can't remember the last time that I was in love. Okay, so that's a lie- I actually can. I got crushed. The story is on this blog. Heartbreaks in sobriety are a shitty deal. But that heartbreak taught me something amazing - actually a whole lot of amazing things. It taught me that I could go through excruciating pain and not drink, it taught me that I didn't need to get another boyfriend to heal the pain and that in fact I needed to do exactly the opposite. It showed me what co-dependancy was. And through the healing process I learned that I never have to be codependent on another human being again. I learned that I was women of  grace and strength. I wouldn't change one minute of that heartbreak. And I would go through it all over again in order to walk away with the lessons and wisdom that I learned.

With that being said there is one hurdle that I am facing - I am petrified to love that way again. I reread something today that totally helped me to understand why I would be scared.

I am this girl once I am completely and totally in love....

Nothing on this planet can compare to with a woman's love. It is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet - unconditional. Pure. If you are her man she will walk on water and through a mountain for you too, no matter how you've acted out, no matter what crazy things you've done, no matter the time or demand. She will encourage you when you are at rock bottom and think there isn't any way out.  Hold you in her arms when you were sick and laugh with you when you are up. And if you're her man and that woman loves you - I mean really loves you - she will shine you up when you are dusty, encourage you when you are down, defend you even when she's not sure you are right, and hang on your every word, even when you're not saying anything worth listening to. No matter what you do, or what you say she will give you her very best, and then some, and then keep right on giving. That is a women's  love it stand the test of time, logic, and all circumstances.

See scary........



Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Unmanageability


This is my laundry pile. Talk about unmanagability at its finest. I have come so far in so many ways - but then I look around and there's still a decent amount of unmanageability in my life - even at six years of sobriety. And you know what? That's okay! 

I'm not going to say I don't beat myself up about it sometimes, but the fact of the matter is if I'm chipping away at what I need to improve on, that's good enough!  

So I'm back to one load of laundry ever day. As Fly Lady would say "One load a day keeps the chaos away!"

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Change

I always think that I have to take all of this action to change something. But the truth is I don't. I need to pray about it. Any change that stands a chance of being consistent or continual needs to come from God. 

For years and years I would try so hard to change all of these things in my life, continually failing - leaving me completely disappointed in myself. 

I don't know when the shift took place, but suddenly I realize that I was actually incapable of changing one little hair on my head without the grace of God. I would try, and try, and try, and fail every time. Very often the disappointment would lead to a depressions. 

I think as alcoholics we are so hard on ourselves. The idea that we need to be perfect and should be able to conquer the entire world is in most of us. 

I suppose that's where  powerlessness comes in -  for me I kind of go about it like this...I have an idea of what I want to do or what I want to change -  but the inspiration, intuitive thought and drive to actually accomplish it comes from God.  That way when I can't change something on my own or in the 5 seconds I give myself,  I know that it's in God's timing and not mine. it helps me be kinder to myself.

I'm sort of rambling today. I guess the moral of my story is change starts with with prayer. �� 

Saturday, April 5, 2014

64 Days of Yoga



It wasn't like I meant to set that long or large of a goal. It actually happened by accident. On February 1st I Facebooked that I was going to "set a goal" to do yoga everyday until my 40th Birthday. It was just a goal I was shooting for. I had no idea it was one I was going to accomplish. But I did, I did accomplish it. Here's what happened to push me from the mind set of "I'll try" to the mind set of "I will go to yoga everyday regardless of how busy I am, what else is going on, or whether on not I feel like it" I posted on Facebook everyday of my journey and on about day 5 someone commented that it was nice to see someone do what they said they were going to do....I knew at this that point that I was going to accomplish my goal. It became a top priority.

I won't lie - the first 20 days were rough. Teaching my brain to stop making excuses was hard. You know that BS dialogue that our brains play. I'll go tomorrow, I'll go to a later class, I set a goal - I don't really have to go everyday...blah-blah-blah. The mental fight to get up and to get in the room, even though I know every time I walk out of the yoga room I feel better, it was still hard to get up and go everyday.

Then something shifted, my brain stopped making excuses, and instead would set my day around which yoga class I was going to attend. Four days ago I got sick -not deathly sick, but sick. Yoga was the last thing I wanted to do - but I went anyway. I took it easier, but I went.

I have always considered myself to be decently undisciplined. The past 64 days have taught me that this is absolutely incorrect. When I mean business it will get done. On my intention list for this year I wrote -to have my perfect body by 40- And by perfect I don't mean what you see in a magazine, I don't mean the body I had at 20, or even 30 for that matter. I mean a body of a woman, a woman who has curves, a woman who is comfortable not only on the outside but even more importantly on the inside. I wanted to walk into my 40th year at the top of my game with as much pride, grace, and dignity as I possible could.

Happy Birthday to me!