Thursday, August 28, 2014

Getting off the freeway sooner...



I heard the term "getting off the freeway sooner" from a friend. I liked it. 

In life we may choose the wrong road numerous times, but as we grow we learn to see that we are headed in the wrong direction. That the road we are on takes us to places we do not want to go. So we start getting off an exit sooner. We recognize sooner and sooner that we are once again on the wrong road.  

We may still get on the wrong freeway but as time goes on and lessons are learned we find ourselves gettin off on the very next exit. 


Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Just Do your Best

I have been having a very difficult time lately. A lot of change and growth- neither of which are comfortable. 

Today I found myself sucked into self-pity. It was actually paralyzing. My mind has a sneaky way of convincing me that I have a right to feel sorry for myself. But the deal with self-pity is it's toxic - and completely blocks you from the sunlight of the spirit. 

So I called out. I called out to God, Jesus, all of the saints, and the angels too.... and what came to me was - Just do your best. Sometimes it's as simple as that. 

A deep breath and a reminder that doing your best is always good enough.

Friday, August 22, 2014

AGING ALPHA: Vulnerability

AGING ALPHA: Vulnerability: My 17 year old daughter declared I need to be more vulnerable.  Perplexed, I asked what she meant.  After all, the past decade+ has been spe...

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

No Second Chances

I truly want this to be the most impactful blog post I ever write. I have gone to more funerals in sobriety that I have in my entire life. It is heart breaking to see what the disease does - this disease that millions have but nobody wants to talk about. Well,  I'm going to talk about it - and I'm going to keep on talking about it - because if I don't it will win.

The ripple affect - an alcoholic only sees what it does to them and most of the time not even that - but it doesn't just affect them, it hurts the entire family.  Below is a picture of a very good friend of mine holding the hand of her 56 year old mother as she dies from alcoholism. No child deserves that.



We think we have forever to get sober - we think that it'll never happen to us - I mean really? I'm not a daily drinker - you don't have to be to get cirrhosis.  Alcoholism is fatal - and that's not me being dramatic.

This Mom gave birth to 4 amazing children, and left then with the last vision of her in full liver failure, yellow and clinging to life.  I share their story in the hopes that it saves other children from going through the pain they did.

There are no second chances, there isn't a rewind button when you are on your death bed ... only regret.

If you're reading this you still have time. You are so lucky and so blessed. If you're wondering if it's time to get sober - it is.




RIP  Kathy ... may you now be the angel your children deserve <3 nbsp="" p="">

Saturday, August 16, 2014

My One

I want the though of you to excite me - to feel your presents in my soul. 

I want to know that you think I am the sexiest thing out there. When I see "that look" in your eyes to so know where we're headed when we get home. But then there's this other look - the one that tells me I am adored and protected and so so loved - the one that makes me feel safe. That one makes me give YOU  "the look" 

You safely bring my mind to places it's never been before. I can tell you anything - knowing that even though you may give me a new way to look at it - you are always, always on my side. 

You are my safe spot, and I am yours. 

People look at what we have - and shoot for it.   

Monday, August 11, 2014

One More

One more amazing and incredible person dies of this disease - honestly I don't ever want to fucking talk about it.

Heartbreaking. 

RIP Robin Williams 

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Saturday, July 26, 2014

10 things to do besides drink....

1. Take a walk
2. Pray
3. Go to a meeting
4. Call a friend 
5. Eat something sweet
6. Clean the house
7. Journal
8. Play a game with your kids
9. Watch a netflix series 
10. Comment on this blog :) 

Monday, July 14, 2014

The Beginning

I keep on getting questions about the beginning of soberity. 

The beginning is rough. I was lucky in that I knew I couldn't drink anymore, and I knew without a doubt that I couldn't quit on my own. That denial of maybe I could moderate, or maybe I wouldn't drink or drive this time, or maybe I would stop making embarrassing phone calls late at night or maybe or maybe or maybe was lifted from me. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results - I finally came to the point where I understand what that meant and I stop bullshitting myself. 

Denial was over for me. I knew I was an alcoholic and I knew I needed help. I was luck to know someone in recovery that I could call on. For that I will be forever grateful. She walked me into the rooms of recovery. And by the grace of God I stayed.

You are worth recovery. You are! I promise. If you have questions you can ask them in the comment section here - there are people everywhere willing to help her. You don't have to do it alone. 


Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Baking Phase

I'm going through a baking phase. My boyfriend is a happy man, and Gavin figured out he loves pineapple upside down cake. What else is there to do when it's 115 outside?!?! 

Friday, June 27, 2014

Asking for help

I have every reason to be in fear right now - I am financially living one day at a time (again) but I'm not in fear. I've been here before  and my faith has gotten me through (and a ton of help from my family and friends) 

I will admit I do have "the voice" the one that sounds like this "for Godsake you are 40 years old, get your shit together. There's no reason you should still be needing help" But the fact is everyone needs help - it may not always  be financial - it may be spiritual, emotional or physical - but everyone needs it. 

Asking is tough. Infact asking for help may be one of the hardest things I have to do (the voice doesn't help) Right now in my life I have no choice but to ask for help. I know I'm doing everything I can. Like my last post said "I am trying" 

How many of you need help, but are scared to ask? 

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Dash

I got asked an interesting question today....What would your head stone say? Good Mom? Genuine and caring person? I didn't really know how to answer it right off the bat - but it did get me thinking.....

Isn't it really about the dash. What have I accomplished in the time God has given me on earth. Have I been kind? Have I been loving and empathetic to people who are suffering? Did I try not to judge what I didn't  understand. Did I take the lessons God gave me and help people with that wisdom? Did I let my heart lead even though that can be painful. Did I live a life that I can be proud of?

The answer to all of the above is ... sometimes...but the fact is I try. If at the end of each day I can at least say I genuinely tried than that is good enough for me.

Emily Sadler
1974-
Everyday she woke up and tried to be the best person she could be.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Trudging

I've had some back to back hard days lately. At this point in my recovery I know they are temporary and that they will pass. I didn't always know that - I use to think bad days would last forever. They don't. I know that today. But that does not stop them from sucking. 

There's nothing really "wrong" going on in my life - I'm just feeling very flat line. For a girl who was always chasing chaos and drama flat line can be a pretty uncomfortable place. I realize that it is me growing in recovery. I get it - but just because I get it doesn't mean I like it.  

Trudging - I hate that word - but I suppose it is what I am doing right now. 


Thursday, June 12, 2014

The time this blog saved my life.....

I had a meeting today that turned out nothing like I thought it would be. It started out having nothing to do with this blog - and ended with this blog, along with Lipstick and Liquor and the other pieces of media I have done being the main discussion.

When I was sharing about emilyism.com I got to the point in its story where it truly saved my sanity. If you've followed this blog over the years then you know that I went through a very rough patch right after the Dr. Phil show aired. It was like a emotional perfect storm. There are a few times in sobriety that had I not been sober I would have needed to be institutionalized - and that was one of them. I could hardly leave the house, and putting words and thoughts together was nearly impossible. I blogged through it. I logged on and blogged. Sometimes it was just a quote, but I said something - I believe it stopped me from getting completely and totally  trapped in my own mind.

Today at me meeting I said "When I started emilyism.com I didn't care if it helped 1 person or a million - I just wanted it help someone - and during that time it was okay that was just me" When it came out of my mouth I was reminded how special this blog is.

Thank you - thank all of you and please know that there was a time (more that 1 one actually) that you truly kept me sober and sane....and for that I am so, so grateful.


Thursday, June 5, 2014

Dear God,

I am sorry - Yesterday I was frustrated, and lashed out at you. I felt like I had asked you for help on a specific situation so many times that it was my right to get frustrated with you. Thank you for loving me anyway. And thank you for listening.

It is two hours before my meeting and I am showered, packed and I have prayed - that is proof that not only did you hear me but you were listened. Thank you for giving me the motivatation to change what is frustrating me in my life.

Is it weird to say that you are my favorite thing ever? Anyway - you are! 

I love you and thanks again! 

Xo,
Em

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Surrender

In the beginning of sobriety I spent a huge amount of time on my knees in front of my bed...not sitting up in a prayer like manner...but slumped over the bed in a state of complete surrender. I had had it. Mentally, spiritually and physically I was so uncomfortable that there truly was nothing else I could do but pray. If the truth be told it was much more like begging that praying...but whatever works! And it did work, it truly did.

I was thinking today about how infrequently I actually hit my knees these days.  For a girl who spend her first hear of sobriety slumped over her bed in a state of surrender you'd like I'd hit them a little more often.

Note to self:
You are not too busy to hit your knees everyday!

Friday, May 30, 2014

A New Day

I ended up going to a meeting last night. Today in my soberity sitting around feeling like shit and feeling sorry for myself just doesn't fly. 

I bet if I read back I would find a pattern in May/June of not feeling well. As many of you know I live in Arizona -  May is the beginning of the HEAT, and seems to chemically affect me. I don't really have a solution as of yet, so for now I'm just going to recognize it as a pattern and pray about it from there. 

For me the beginning of any change starts with prayer...... 

Thursday, May 29, 2014

It's a Pity Party kind of Day

FWD:
can't find my computer cord, I just spent $150 I didn't have on gavin's football, I completely emotionally ate everything I could from McDonald's, I know I should go to yoga or a meeting but I absolutely don't feel like it. I am a fucking mess and I want a hug.

This is the pity party text that I just sent to a friend. I am having a shitty day. Ugh! 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

God's Will for Me

Yesterday I was having a  conversation with my new boyfriend; (yes, I  have a new boyfriend!) we were talking about our prayer life and how often we pray for things other that God's will for us. We decided to try and go 7 days praying only for the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

The first thing I have noticed is how often I pray - my thought are almost always in a constant state of prayer. For an alcoholic like me that is necessary to keep my sanity. This little experiment has brought to my attention how many things I ask for while in prayer.....seriously....."God help me with this, God help me with that ... blah, blah, blah"

I know God wants us to come to him with our troubles -  but I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to be giving him the solution to them - which I totally have been been doing.

Here's to my week of praying - without telling God what to do! :)




Wednesday, May 7, 2014

One Comment

One comment saved this blog. Yesterday I decided to stop blogging - partly out of self pity (no one reads it anyway, there's never any comments...blah, blah, blah) and partly because I really haven't had much to say.

Then I read a comment and remembered why I started this blog in the first place - it was to help people feel less alone.  

I still don't have much to say - but I will keep blogging anyway.


Tuesday, April 22, 2014

A Woman's Love

I can't remember the last time that I was in love. Okay, so that's a lie- I actually can. I got crushed. The story is on this blog. Heartbreaks in sobriety are a shitty deal. But that heartbreak taught me something amazing - actually a whole lot of amazing things. It taught me that I could go through excruciating pain and not drink, it taught me that I didn't need to get another boyfriend to heal the pain and that in fact I needed to do exactly the opposite. It showed me what co-dependancy was. And through the healing process I learned that I never have to be codependent on another human being again. I learned that I was women of  grace and strength. I wouldn't change one minute of that heartbreak. And I would go through it all over again in order to walk away with the lessons and wisdom that I learned.

With that being said there is one hurdle that I am facing - I am petrified to love that way again. I reread something today that totally helped me to understand why I would be scared.

I am this girl once I am completely and totally in love....

Nothing on this planet can compare to with a woman's love. It is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet - unconditional. Pure. If you are her man she will walk on water and through a mountain for you too, no matter how you've acted out, no matter what crazy things you've done, no matter the time or demand. She will encourage you when you are at rock bottom and think there isn't any way out.  Hold you in her arms when you were sick and laugh with you when you are up. And if you're her man and that woman loves you - I mean really loves you - she will shine you up when you are dusty, encourage you when you are down, defend you even when she's not sure you are right, and hang on your every word, even when you're not saying anything worth listening to. No matter what you do, or what you say she will give you her very best, and then some, and then keep right on giving. That is a women's  love it stand the test of time, logic, and all circumstances.

See scary........



Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Unmanageability


This is my laundry pile. Talk about unmanagability at its finest. I have come so far in so many ways - but then I look around and there's still a decent amount of unmanageability in my life - even at six years of sobriety. And you know what? That's okay! 

I'm not going to say I don't beat myself up about it sometimes, but the fact of the matter is if I'm chipping away at what I need to improve on, that's good enough!  

So I'm back to one load of laundry ever day. As Fly Lady would say "One load a day keeps the chaos away!"

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Change

I always think that I have to take all of this action to change something. But the truth is I don't. I need to pray about it. Any change that stands a chance of being consistent or continual needs to come from God. 

For years and years I would try so hard to change all of these things in my life, continually failing - leaving me completely disappointed in myself. 

I don't know when the shift took place, but suddenly I realize that I was actually incapable of changing one little hair on my head without the grace of God. I would try, and try, and try, and fail every time. Very often the disappointment would lead to a depressions. 

I think as alcoholics we are so hard on ourselves. The idea that we need to be perfect and should be able to conquer the entire world is in most of us. 

I suppose that's where  powerlessness comes in -  for me I kind of go about it like this...I have an idea of what I want to do or what I want to change -  but the inspiration, intuitive thought and drive to actually accomplish it comes from God.  That way when I can't change something on my own or in the 5 seconds I give myself,  I know that it's in God's timing and not mine. it helps me be kinder to myself.

I'm sort of rambling today. I guess the moral of my story is change starts with with prayer. �� 

Saturday, April 5, 2014

64 Days of Yoga



It wasn't like I meant to set that long or large of a goal. It actually happened by accident. On February 1st I Facebooked that I was going to "set a goal" to do yoga everyday until my 40th Birthday. It was just a goal I was shooting for. I had no idea it was one I was going to accomplish. But I did, I did accomplish it. Here's what happened to push me from the mind set of "I'll try" to the mind set of "I will go to yoga everyday regardless of how busy I am, what else is going on, or whether on not I feel like it" I posted on Facebook everyday of my journey and on about day 5 someone commented that it was nice to see someone do what they said they were going to do....I knew at this that point that I was going to accomplish my goal. It became a top priority.

I won't lie - the first 20 days were rough. Teaching my brain to stop making excuses was hard. You know that BS dialogue that our brains play. I'll go tomorrow, I'll go to a later class, I set a goal - I don't really have to go everyday...blah-blah-blah. The mental fight to get up and to get in the room, even though I know every time I walk out of the yoga room I feel better, it was still hard to get up and go everyday.

Then something shifted, my brain stopped making excuses, and instead would set my day around which yoga class I was going to attend. Four days ago I got sick -not deathly sick, but sick. Yoga was the last thing I wanted to do - but I went anyway. I took it easier, but I went.

I have always considered myself to be decently undisciplined. The past 64 days have taught me that this is absolutely incorrect. When I mean business it will get done. On my intention list for this year I wrote -to have my perfect body by 40- And by perfect I don't mean what you see in a magazine, I don't mean the body I had at 20, or even 30 for that matter. I mean a body of a woman, a woman who has curves, a woman who is comfortable not only on the outside but even more importantly on the inside. I wanted to walk into my 40th year at the top of my game with as much pride, grace, and dignity as I possible could.

Happy Birthday to me!


Wednesday, March 26, 2014

I have a date tonight....

Boy: I have a date with a pretty girl tonight.


 Think about and look forward to date numerous times throughout the day.  


 Girl: I have a date with a cute boy tonight. 


Color hair, get a pedicure. Pick out and outfit - decide you hate the outfit - along with every other  article of clothing in your closet. Force your self not to get ready 3 hours before your date in order to not look like a hooker. Change clothes 15 times - finding the perfect outfit 5 minutes before cute boy knocks on the door. 

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

You deserve to be happy....

I cannot believe I am where I am right now - I probably wrote the same thing in my last post - but that is okay - I am still in the same beautiful place. And that in its self is a miracle - my first few years in soberity I was lucky to have two good days in a row. God, looking back that was really hard - all of the ups and downs, all of the emotions, all of the fear...I battled it on a daily basis. I don't anymore. That is a blessing of sobriety. 

It is super hard to get sober, but once the light shines in, once you deal with some of the underline issues, it isn't really that hard to stay sober. 

Just start. Start right now. Start right where you are. You do not have to spend the rest of your life consumed with the though of alcohol. There is a better life for you. I promise. 

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Putting it into words

I haven't written lately because where I am in life is almost impossible to put into words - it is as if God - in one day - in one moment gave me the willingness that I had been praying for my entire sobriety. They say when you put out into the universe your wants make sure that you are ready to receive them. This month I started a business, and in one months time it is holding its own. I made a commitment to do yoga everyday until my Birthday - and I have kept it. I am clearing the things in my life that have been blocking me from the sunlight of the spirit, and I have done a load of laundry everyday for 17 days (if you know me then you know I have a laundry issue) 

I set my intentions for the year so high that I couldn't fathom them coming true - but they are. 

My life takes my breath away. Thank you so much for being a part of it. ❤️


Friday, February 14, 2014

A new perception on my Valentine's Day Pity Party

Yesterday I posted on Facebook that I was having Valentine's Day pity party - but then today I woke up with a brand new perception. I was having a pity party because I had expectations of what I thought I should have or receive on Valentine's Day - it suddenly dawned on me how ungrateful that was. Valentine's Day is a day that is suppose to represent love - and to me loving is all about giving and gratitude - neither of which I was doing..... 

The truth is if there is one thing that I have a ton of to give and it's love. So today instead of focusing on what I could get, I focused on what I could give. It's amazing how much love I got in return - funny how that works :) 

May your Valentine's Day be filled with love - lots and lots of love! 





Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Blog Roll

I miss comments! Will ya' all do me a favor? If you're still reading this blog will you drop a comment into the comment section. Maybe telling how long you've been reading and where you heard about emilyism. 

Thank you! xoxo 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Guy Friends



If you know me in real life you know that I have a ton of guys friends. I'm that girl. The one who has to be explained about to the new girlfriend. I am friends with my x-husband and pretty much every boyfriend I've ever had. My guy friends are the bomb. They are the reason that I haven't gotten myself into any codependent relationships in sobriety. I think women stay in relationship that may not be healthy for us because men take care of a lot of things. I don't know about you, but for me life is much less scary with a man around. So I'm so blesses to have not one but many men in my life who will suit up and show up. 

The above picture totally reminded me of my guy friends. They put up with a lot from me. There are times I am needy and annoying - but there is not one day that goes by that I don't feel loved and protected. <3 

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Self talk

 I am entering into a peaceful new place. I have been uncomfortable and in a little bit of fear. I took it as the normal feelings that come from being in between jobs. But I recently found out that wasn't really what it is at all. It was my self talk. It was me worrying about what I was going to do, how was going to do it, when it was going to happen - which is stuff I normally turn over- As much as my self talk was in prayer, it was just as much in fear. The only way for me to explain what I did is to say I sort of -rebooted my brain- ever thought is either accepted or paused and replaced with something beautiful. 

I talk a lot about mastering your own mind. If it is true that we become what we think - then aren't our thoughts the most important thing we have? 


Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The UnBlogging Blogger

If you know me in real life you know that I'm pretty simple and not really all that wordy. It makes me excellent at tweeting and facebooking. Getting out what I need to get said quickly and in as few words as possibly is the way I roll. 

But here's the problem with that - right now to make ends meet I'm running social media for businesses - I can rock twitter and Facebook - but what everyone really wants is a blogger. You may be all like, what? You are a blogger, Emily! And you're right, I am! But if you go back and read my blog posts you'll find that they aren't really all that long. I'm scared I don't have enough content in my head to pull it off. 

This one is sooo in Gods hands - if the content is to flow it going to have to come from him - or Annette who can rock a long blog post like nobody's business!! LOL 

Monday, January 27, 2014

Happy 14th Birthday, Gavin!

                               
Today is Gavin's 14th Birthday. God, what a joy he has been. He such a funny, neat kid - and I'm not just saying that because I'm his Mom. He really doesn't like when I talk about him on the blog - so I'll keep it short. 



Gavin Dean,
You are amazing and funny, and so so caring. The quote above is totally true - your kind ways steal the hearts of everyone in your path. I love you more that words can say. 
xo,
Mom 




Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Today I'm Crying

I always say that crying is God's antibiotic. So I'm not looking at this cry baby day as a bad thing - because I know it's not. It just is what it is. I'm trying not to wrap my brain around any particular reason that I am crying, and instead looking at it as a much needed dose of God's healing love.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

You find out who your friends are....

There's a country song that says "you find out who your friends are, somebody's going to drop everything" to know that I don't just have one of those - but a team of them, makes me cry. It felt like it was operation Emily these past two weeks. I never once felt like I was doing it alone, and for a single Mom who actually really does do it alone -  that's a pretty big deal. 

I had one of those friend remind me that I had done it for her once. People don't forget, they don't forget who is there for them in time of fearful need. I am blessed to not only have friends who are there for me, but to be a friend who is there for them. 

Friendship is one of the greatest blessings of my sobriety. 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The job hunt....

Okay so this whole job hunt deal is an open can of vulnerability whoop ass. I don't  like rejection -at all- and that's really all a job hunt is. You send out resumes and get no response -rejection- yuck! 

I'm doing a decent job on not taking it personally and staying on track. Not having a job is scary though. No matter how much faith you have, it is still scary. But I know if I crawl into that place of fear I'll fall into a depression. And when I say -ain't nobody got time for that- that is exactly what I mean. 


Thursday, January 9, 2014

The Job Situation

Here's the situation - I don't have one. 

Ball Buster

Who am I really? What's underneath my coat of armor? Which come to find out is super thin. People in my world see this strong, independent, ball buster. I'm not, that's not really who I am. It is who I have had to become. And when you get underneath the armor it is not who I am at all - at least the ball buster part. 

I am walking this fine mental line right now between thinking that I need the strength of a loving man to feel safe - but on the flip side the strong, independent single Mom in me is thinking she should never again let her stability or security depend on a man. Makes dating kind of a bitch :) 

I know, I know it'll come when it's meant to, don't force it, you'll find love when you're least expecting it - I KNOW! They say loves comes when you stop looking, when you stop wanting...if that's the case, if that's truly the case - it should happen any time now....





Saturday, January 4, 2014

My Intentions for 2014

Every January I take some time to set intentions for the New Year.  I'm a big believer in setting your goals, your intentions, your dreams so high that you can't fathom them coming true. That way you know - you know without a doubt that it was God.

So here I go....
-to grow closer to God, and to practice staying in the present moment
-by the end of 2014  to be debt free
-to reach my desired income goal
-to achieve my perfect body by 40 (we'll talk more about what "my perfect" means in a later post)
-to maintain a clean, neat, and organized home
-to publicly speak, write a book, be on TV and see this blog go viral

Ready, set, go..............

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Forgiveness

Forgiving ourselves. I have made a lot of mistakes...a lot! I have done things, and said things, and thought things that I am ashamed of. I am far from perfect. I am human and part of being human is being flawed. 

A commentor asked about forgiving ourselves. It can be a huge task in soberity, as no one makes it into recovery with out some major screw ups. But here's the deal, here's what I think about that - we go through our lives, we make mistakes (sometimes huge ones) we hurt people, we burn bridges, we aren't always honest, and in the end we normally are left with nothing, not even our spirit. 

but there's a reason why - and that reason is beautiful, and powerful and Gods grace. I've said it many times, we go through what we go through to help the next person who needs to go through it. It's not complicated, it's not personal - it is our journey and our reason for being here. I promise you if you are following Gods will people will walk into your life who need only one thing from you, and that is for you to share your mistakes as honestly as you can, and share that there is a solution no matter how bad it is. So you see you've already been forgiven ... God had you go through anything and everything you have been through for a reason, and that reason is so you can help others with the wisdom you have learned from your experiences. 

You are loved and you are forgiven. 

Thursday, December 26, 2013

"I'm one bad date away from bitter" -Carrie Bradshaw

My 6th Year

I am not one to predict the outcome of things, as I believe that in doing so you are absolutely setting your self up for failure. But I'm going to sorta, kinda predict that the 6th year of my sobriety is going to be one of great growth. And growth ain't always comfortable. I can feel this inner fire in me that is willing to take care of some things that I just wasn't ready to deal with before. I have this new found strength, and passion, not sure where it came from, but I am going to run with it. There are some things in my life that I am absolutely sick of....and it's time I chip away at them.  

I know how to start....

Dear God,
Help.
Amen 

                        

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Christmas 2013

This year we went skiing for Christmas. Something that we just may make into a tradition, being that there was no one on the mountain. It was wonderful to spend more than 10 minutes with my teenagers. With our hectic busy lives it's hard to get everyone in the same place at the same time. I feel truly blessed.

Merry Christmas to all! Xo

Sunday, December 22, 2013

�� I pray that when or if depression sets in that you remember it is just your inner spirit growing - and on the other side is always, always something beautiful. Amen

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Where my heart is.....

I think I'm ready to blog about what happened in my love life over the past few months. I met a guy that I really liked - for it being short, quick, and painful I guess we could even call it love. I feel, quick, and hard...flags flew, and I would feel a lot  better if I could say that I just ignored them, but I didn't - I allowed him to talk me out of them. When broken becomes intriguing, and the sick "high" from a combative relationship reminds you of your drinking days, running would be good - but that isn't what happened...it did end, but not half as quick as it should have.

The sad truth is it damaged me a little bit. It completely changed my feeling about what I wanted...I've always wanted happily ever after, take your breath away love - but I found myself crying the other day when I realized that right now in my life that seem like more work than it is worth. :( 

                     
   

Friday, December 20, 2013

Opinions - everyone has one!

I rarely blog about my opinions on "hot topics" and I'll tell you why .. Normally it's because I don't give a shit enough to have an opinion, and I certainly don't care enough to debate about them. When I was out there drinking I flipping cared and had a opinion on EVERYTHING and would defend until the end. In sobriety I care about my friends and my family, and helping others - really that's about it. 

Whether or not some red neck Duck dude shared his opinion and pissed people off really doesn't bug or affect me in anyway. I will say my opinion on it  is that saying what he said did nothing but boost his fame, and I have a decent amount of respect for the fact his family is standing behind him.  With that being said, I think he seems like sort of a nut job. But I guess it takes one to know one! Lol

There! I share my opinion, someone called me a wimp today for not.  And he was right, it's time for me to throw a little bit more of Emily into emilyism.com! 

Monday, December 16, 2013

From Attitude to Gratitude

                     


Today had all of the makings for a huge pity-party. I got 4 cavities filled, I got a ticket, and all I had to look forward in the evening was going to Gavin's 8th grade choir program alone, again. Self-pity almost seemed fair - like really?! What a shitty day.... Then something happened, like it normally does - reality and gratitude set in.....

I finally have the money and insurance to get my teeth fixed, I lost the privilege to drive for 2 years, so really a ticket ain't no big thing, and as for the concert it was adorable and there wasn't one part of me that wanted to be any other place on this planet that right where I was. 

Perception is a beautiful thing. 



A Beautiful Life....

I live a beautiful life. It is perfect for me. Yes, there things that I could improve upon. But if you didn't have things to work on then wouldn't life be pretty boring. I am exactly when I am suppose to be. 

Friday, December 13, 2013

The beginning...

The first days, really the first months in sobriety are painfully lonely, and scary. How is one going to give up the very thing that they believe kept them happy -or at least numb- How is a person who every though and plan has something to do with alcohol possible going to put the bottle down and live in any other state than constantly craze alcohol? When the joyous, happy and free thing they promise in sobriety seems so unobtainable that going one day without alcohol, much less a life time, seems like life's over. But I promise that it is worth it! I promise that it is easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. 

I don't know one sober alcoholic that can't relate to the above paragraph. Please let that sentence help to make you feel less alone. You are understood, even the things you are hiding or ashamed of have been done by countless alcoholics. Reach out...ask for help...comment on here...send me a email - but do not sit at home thinking you're alone, cause you're not. 


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I'm Fine




I posted this on my Facebook page today - with the status...Today I am fine. Tomorrow will be better. I try to be really positive on my social platforms. But I also don't want to be a bullshitter. When I'm having a hard time I need to admit it, and share the solution of how I got past it. Sharing only the sunshine and rainbows would be easier, but not genuine or transparent. So today I am admitting that I am only fine. I feel weak, and like crying. 

On a beautiful note:
within 5 minutes of posting on Facebook I got this message from a dear friend;
You are never poor, and you are never alone. There are so many people that love you and who are inspired by your strength. You're amazing, and I love you. Hope tomorrow will be a better day. 

It is very hard to feel sorry for yourself with that that kind of love. 





Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Faith

Mmmm - to have it is a beautiful thing. To know that everything is going to be fine with or without you worrying about it - It truly is your choice. For so many years I worried about every little detail of everything. Today - not so much. 

December stressed me out for years. And I'm not going to lie fear and stress did start to sneak in this year. How am I possibly going to make Christmas happen? I just got back from a trip, my car needs hundreds of dollar of work. How with one pay check till Christmas am I going to make the magic happen for my boys? But you know what? It'll happen. It has happened every year for 18 years.  Christmas is magic like that. It happens, you never really know how, but it does. It always has - and it always will. There is nothing for me to worry about. 

I will be truly proud of myself if I plan something which teaches my children that Christmas is about giving not only about getting. I am pretty sure that if Jesus could ask for one thing for his Birthday it would be that ever person would do something kind for another. 

I am truly in love with my faith. It brings me a calm that nothing else ever could. 

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Guess who brought their alcoholism to Maui?

Blogging from Maui. I wish I had these amazing descriptive words to explain my experiences here - but I don't really.

I am going to come clean with the one rough thing I did go through... I felt cheated that I couldn't drink. You see I brought my alcoholism with me. That underline anxiety that I live with, well my body packed it along. It felt unfair that I couldn't, even on vacation, escape my emotions. My disease comes with me everywhere I go. And I'm not going to lie, that fricking sucks.

I wish I could jump on here and tell you it was the most peaceful and relaxing week of my life - but I can't. Don't get me wrong, it was pretty damn relaxing, but without a doubt my DISease was working overtime.

It's almost like I had this since of entitlement - I mean really I'm on vacation.....
Then reality and gratitude set in..The truth is the fact I am employable today, and have a job where I have earned vacation time is amazing. And the fact is if I was still drinking I'd be locked up. I am an alcoholic, and my alcoholism was getting uglier by the minute.

Sober vacations are something very new to me. 

Update:
On my way up to my room after writing the above post I was in the elevator with a women so intoxicated that she could neither walk nor talk - I will take a little anxiety over that anyday! 







Sent from my iPad

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thankful......

This Thanksgiving is a random. I am  home alone. The boys are off with Dad. It is not that I didn't have options of places to go - it's that I didn't feel obligated to go anywhere, nor did I feel guilt about it. I am happily enjoying the silence.

 Family obligations are important, I believe they are what teach children that it isn't all about them, and that sometimes we show up for the love of others. Or for the flat out fear that our parents will kick our ass.  I am grateful that my Mom made me suit up and show up even when I didn't want to go. Today I explained to my children that they were to get dressed nicely, and go make their father happy. After a bit of grumbling from the little one about having to wear a golf shirt, they headed off.

Now I quietly reflection on the blessings of the year. I never in a million years though that I would be where I am today. It is very easy to stay grateful when everything you, are and everything you have, feels like a miracle.

 I have often said that if I could bottle up the feeling of gratitude I would. It is by far the best emotion ever!

Monday, November 25, 2013

One Alcoholic Helping Another

Annette Update:
 
Hello everyone!  Annette here with a brief update about how it's going for me today.....Today has been a really good day - attended 2 meetings and met with my mentor for lunch - I'm working on doing an inventory right now.  I've done this before, but it's time for another one.  I have been sober now since November 5, 2013 - not sure how many days that is off the top of my head....I'm trying to stay in the moment and just remember that I'm sober TODAY.  Since deciding not to go to inpatient treatment because of insurance reasons, I have thrown myself into my program of recovery attending 2-3 classes a day, going to lunch and/or coffee with other sober women, trying to be of service as often as I can, working with my mentor on my program, getting on my knees every morning and asking God to help me to stay sober today, reading daily readings from 3 different books and finally getting on my knees again at night before I go to bed to say thank you to God for keeping me sober today.  My husband and I went to our first counseling session together last week - it was very productive - and we continue to see him going forward.  We are also seeing him as a family this Wednesday - me, my husband and our 2 boys.....must say I'm a bit nervous about the appointment.  Guess I'm a little afraid to hear what my boys have to say about all of this - afraid to hear their feelings.....it's not going to be easy, but I think there will be some healing come from it.  We'll decide after Wednesday how often to continue seeing our counselor as a family and/or if he maybe suggests seeing the boys one-on-one - like my recovery program, I will listen to the counselor's suggestions and follow them - again, my way of doing things hasn't been real successful lately - actually it's never been successful!
 
Everyday has not been kittens and rainbows for me....last Wednesday I had physical cravings that were screaming at me to go get a drink - I went to a class and lunch with 3 other sober women instead.....Friday I built up this stupid but powerful resentment against my husband and carried it with me all night Friday ....I went to bed with the plan that on Saturday I was going to s
skip my meeting and lunch with my sober girlfriend and go drink....by the Grace of God, that thought had left my head by the time I woke up on Saturday morning, and I kept with my original plan of attending my meeting and doing lunch with my sober girlfriend.  Looking back, I should have called someone Friday nightwhen the resentment hit me, but I'm still a work in progress and didn't say anything until the next day.  I need to get it through my thick skull that saying how I'm feeling out loud to another person in recovery is the best thing I can do for myself & my sobriety....so I brought up what happened Friday night at both of my classes today and feel much better even though I didn't act on it Saturday.  I need to remember that my secrets keep me sick and keeping crazy thoughts in my head and not saying them out loud will lead me to drink.
 
All I can tell you about today is that I am grateful to be sober today, I'm grateful for Emily and all of you readers out there, I'm grateful for my family that hasn't given up on me (yet), I'm thankful for the amazing relationships I have with the sober women in my life and I am thankful for God's Grace and Forgiveness.....He is with me always and I need not forget that for a second!
 
Would love to hear some of your stories - believe it or not, sharing your story might help you to stay sober and it will definitely help me to stay sober :)
 
Hope everyone has a wonderful & blessed Thanksgiving!!!!
 
Annette



Saturday, November 23, 2013

6 years Sober


6 years ago I accidentally made a decision that would forever change the course of my life. All I knew was that something had to change. I didn't know how I was going to stop drinking - as it was my life. But it was a life that lead to nothing but misery, guilty, shame, sadness and eventually insanity. I didn't want to live it one more second - I wanted to die - I didn't know what I was going to do, or how I was going to do it..but I knew I was willing to try. 

Recovery for me began when willingness set it. I had the willingness to listen to the people who had gone before me, and because of that I am 6 years sober today.  

For that I am grateful! 

Chasing Rejection



I know that I'm not the only women that does it. But God do I do it.

 It's the typical story--boy chases girl - boy catches girl - boy backs up - girl chases boy. 

Every time...Could someone please explain to me what in the hell that is!? 

I know all the "rules" all the "tricks, I've read ever book, but I still find myself doing it. I may not act on it, but the feeling is still there. I'm very conscious of it these days. I can see and evaluate my feelings, thoughts, and actions in regards to chasing rejection...but I can't exactly pin point why it is happening. Is it just normal human behavior. Or is it a bigger, deeper issue. Is it abandonment issues from my childhood? Is it low self-Estéem. The fear of vulnerability, perhaps? Is it a disconnect from my Higher-Power? 

I'm thinking maybe it is a mixture of all of the above...I am a firm believer of being able to fix what we are aware of. And I am painfully aware of this one, and it is getting old. 

What work do I need to do in order to stop chasing rejection? 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Is it even worth it?




Is it even worth it? Are relationships even fucking worth it? The loss of peace and serenity-the confusion, the emotions, the bullshit... Is it even worth it? The last thing I want to be is a bitter Betty, but for Gods sake it feels like such a complete waste of energy, of mind space, of time. I was always a bit sad when people would talk about relationships like this..but I get it. Being alone isn't all that bad which makes justifying being in a relationship really difficult. 

Am I the only one that feels this way? 

Monday, November 18, 2013

Bringing the Blog back to Life....


Soon after I started this blog it took on a life of its own. The readers -you- turned it into this magical pIace that I felt blessed to even be a part of. This blog saved my life. It was here for me ever day. It kept me out of complete and total insulation when all I wanted to do was hide. 

I am trying to breath the life back into it. To feel once again feel that there is a secret community that lives inside here - that loves and supports each other. I am going to need your help....comment, share, support each other....please. It would mean a great deal to me, and to the others that use this blog as support. Recovery to me means never having to be alone again. 

<3 




Your Body is Beautiful!



I am leaving for Hawaii in 2 weeks. Between my new relationship, and some other personal BS going on in life, I have managed to gain some weight. Last year right around this time I joined Weight Watchers and it was very successful for me. I am a girl who needs structure, routine, and a program to accomplish things. Weight Watchers works great - if you work it! Very similar to another program I'm in! So I'm back on Weight Watchers. Along with that for the next two weeks I am trying to cut out bread and sugar. I LOVE bread and sugar - so this has been a bit painful! 

This time around I am trying to do things a little differently - I am trying to keep my inner dialogue kind, and too love my body through it. So my butts bigger...have you seen Kim Kardashian? Compared to her I have a tiny ass, right?! 

I'll be honest I haven't done the whole loving your body through a weight loss perfectly - in fact the other day I was trying to get into  a pair of jeans,  and I was so pissed that they didn't fit that I had a huge temper tantrum, and ripped them. Progress not perfection, I guess?! 

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Recovery to Relapse


 
          
First off, Em - I hope you don't mind me blogging on your site.....I am really in dire need of any experience, strength & hope anyone following could lend....some of you may know me, my name is Annette and I read Emily's article in the Nov 2009 People magazine and found her blog - this one :)

Emily was the 1st person I ever admitted to that I thought I was an alcoholic....I remember mamaof3 was a big contributor at that time and she provided her experience, strength & hope along with Emily.  It was a Godsend!!!!!  Those 2 women gave me the strength, willingness and "push" to go to my first 12 step meeting back in December 2009.  I found AA to be an incredible fellowship of people who really "got" what I was going through....I had never experienced anything like that before...I was hooked!  Many of you know my story....I stayed sober for 10 months with the help of my group, relapsed in Oct. 2010 for one day, then had 2 more single days of relapse and came back into the program in December 2010......again, stayed sober for another 10 months and then relapsed again 3 single days....after that I decided I needed to check into inpatient treatment and I did so on 12/2/11.....I had been sober for 3 days - thought about checking into rehab drunk off my ass, but what was the point when it would only totally piss off my totally supportive husband and prolong my stay because I had to go through detox....not worth it to me....but sober or not, I had to spend 3 days in detox and that was an eye-opening experience for me - I had 4 other roommates that were all detoxing from different drugs and it was REALLY scary to me....rehab was good - I stayed for 22 days - one of the best experiences of my life!  Got out, came home, family was happy, I was happy, I went back to my Homegroup 5 days a week, got a sponsor, started working the steps and life was great.......I stayed sober, happily, for 22 months....Sobriety was awesome - something that I never thought I could have - those 22 months with my husband and my 2 boys were the best of my life!  At 22 months, I decided in my own brain that I was totally tired of going to the same homegroup meetings everyday at noon and hearing the "same" stories from the "same" people day in and day out - hell.....I could skip the meeting and tell you what so & so said!  I wasn't willing to take action.....Then the damn vodka was screamed my name!!! And there it came my 3rd relapse.....of course, I lied to my husband over the phone that night he was out of town on business...."I have NOT been drinking!!!!  I can't believe you are even accusing me of it!!!!"  .......well, you know the deal - I had been drinking :(  The next day I admitted to him what he already knew to be true and I got the MOST vicious response I've ever gotten from him - it was all over the phone as he was still out of town on business, but he told me to SHUT UP & HE DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE LIES OUTTA MY LYING MOUTH!!!.....that totally startled me - he went on to say that he was done - he couldn't take anymore from me and my drinking - keep in mind, he has been totally & utterly supportive though 7 one day relapses in the past 4 years - not bad for an alkie, but how much can I really, honestly ask him to put up with before he gives me the boot????  He went on to advise me that he was contacting an attorney and having divorce papers drawn up.....he wasn't going to file them just yet.....instead, he was going to put them on a shelf in our home where I could see them everyday - as a reminder of what's to come if I drink again.....I have to admit, that totally rocked my world and scared the shit outta me, but I am at the point that I want my sobriety back for myself more so than for anyone else!  Whether I'm with my husband and the boys or not, I want my sobriety back for ME!!!!

So I decided to be willing enough to go back into inpatient treatment....this time, not to a place right in my backyard.....I decided on Hazelden in Minnesota....and no, I hate cold weather - but I want to go there for the right reasons for me - not for a mini-vacation.  My addiction counselor agreed and we began the process of setting everything up - she said that I had excellent insurance coverage and that I should look at it as a sign from my Higher Power that this is what I should do.....I took the plunge - I'm ready to surrender - FINALLY - after 4 years - I am willing to take whatever suggestions I am given from her and the other women in my homegroup - I do what they suggest cuz my ways & ideas are obviously NOT working!!!!  Through preliminary phone calls, Hazelden tells me that all is good....we gather the boys and tell them that I'm going away again for 30 days - this time to a different state - but that it is all because Mom knows that she needs some help and is not afraid to admit it and ask for it....they were very understanding, supportive & loving - sad that I won't be here for Thanksgiving, but happy that I'm getting the help I need.  An hour later, I do my 1 hr intake phone call with Hazelden - at the end, she throws out there her personal opinion that "I'm not that bad" and that "insurance may not cover the stay".....I began to craze!....but paused, quieted myself and told myself that God's Will for me would come through in the end.....fast forward to today.....my intake counselor called me again this morning and asked me to elaborate a bit for my need for inpatient treatment....I told her that I wasn't gonna lie about the last time I took a drink, that I was hanging on by going to 3 meetings a day in the interim (before getting into treatment) and that my husband travels a lot and my kids' schedules are crazy busy with school and sports which lends absolutely no time for me to focus on myself.....that was why I believed that 30 days of inpatient treatment would benefit me the most.....so now I sit and wait to hear back from them....I will admit that I'm a mess - I mean, I became willing to do this and leave my family again - FOR ME!!!.....we told the boys last nite...my plane ticket there is already booked & paid for this Saturday.....and NOW they are telling me that they don't know if my insurance company agrees that I'm "that bad" to require inpatient treatment....AYE-YI-YI!!!!  But I'm not drinking over this little hiccup - not worth it - not gonna change anything - I can't control the outcome....I'll just wait and see what they have to say....patiently :)

Recovery is not an easy street by any means, but NEVER give up HOPE!!!!  Even if they deny insurance coverage, I will proceed in a manner that enhances my recovery in some way or another - whether it be an intensive outpatient program or just continuing 3 meetings a day, working with my sponsor, growing my relationship with my higher power (which I believe is a crucial missing link) and doing the next right thing.  I will NOT let this "possible" denial of inpatient treatment stop me from being a happy & free recovering alcoholic!

Love you Em & thanks so much for sharing with your readers.....I feel so much better :)  Best to get all this crap out of our head instead of keeping it inside to fester and eventually cause us to return to the drink.

Annette

What do you think about the most?

 

I remember a few years back being really, really obsessed over a man - my heart was broken, and I was in a huge amount of emotional pain. When I went to my sponsor with it  she explained to me that what ever I thought about the most was my God. That did not sit well with me - at all. I was thinking about a man all the time, just like I had though about alcohol all the time in the beginning of sobriety. I totally got what she was saying, and those few words have staying with me in my sobriety. When I am in a obsessive though pattern I know it is because something has come before my God. Now I catch those thoughts and return my mind to my higher power. 

I know that the above is a huge concept in the beginning of sobriety, or in the beginning of any recovery, really. But it's a learned thing...like with everything else it takes practice. Try this....the next time you think about drinking - the second the though comes to you- say a prayer. And if you're new in sobriety when the same though comes back in 5 minutes say another prayer....it works, I promise! 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Where did the time go?

   
Time... I remember in the beginning of sobriety time went so, so slowly that it was painful. I for sure stayed sober 1 minute at a time. I did whatever I could to fill the slow, lonely, uncomfortable moments. Meetings, reading, praying, eating...whatever I could do the fill space. As I went from 30 days sober, to 60 days, to 90 and then a year...time got less and less painful. I don't remember exactly when it happened, but suddenly time was no longer an issue. I was no longer counting the minutes or hours until bed time. Something had changed. 

Now I love my life - and when it comes to time I wish it could go just a little bit slower. 

"Stay in the moment. as the moment is where the miracles happen" 

Monday, November 11, 2013

Why do we say thank you to Veterans on a Veterans Day?


                      
     
As I scrolled through FB today, I witnessed a huge outpouring of patriotic pictures and countless expressions of gratitude to our fellow Americans who've worn a military uniform. The question came to me, what are we thanking them for?
The answer came to me from close by. These men and women made a choice to step outside our social contract. They gave up their constitutional rights, and placed themselves between us and people who want to destroy the things we hold dear. Why? 
Some believe in glory, some in patriotism, some looking for a better life and a sense of security. All of them walk away with the same thing. A sense of doing something greater than themselves, to protect the way of life they grew up with.

 "Military service is a brotherhood that brings people together with a shared goal and a strength of purpose. When we say thank you to them, we are thanking ourselves, and all fellow Americans stretching back over 235 years." 

I asked the author of this quote to explain it to me. I  didn't get it, I didn't get how I could possibly be thanking myself...what Have I ever done for this country? He calmly explained to me the idea of patriotism....when something or someone threatens this country's safety we come together - regardless of what it is, we ban together. There is nothing that bonds this country quicker than threat, or tragedy. That is brotherhood, that is what America is all about. I get it, and the idea makes me feel a  bit prouder to be an American. 


Sunday, November 3, 2013

Dry Drunk

Yesterday I was on the biggest "dry drunk" of my sobriety. What is a "dry drunk" you may ask. Well, let me tell you..it is when you have all of the negative symptoms of being drunk..mad, anxious, mean, stubborn. It was emotionally and physically painful. And instead of going to a meeting right away I sat it in all day.

I was almost forced to go a meeting. I got there, and after the speakers 3rd sentence I was at peace.

Hi! I'm Emily, a "stubborn" alcoholic!

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Silence

I don't feel like blogging these days -as if you can't tell- but I'm going to, and that's that! There are a lot of things in my life that I don't "feel" like doing, but I do them. I do them because they keep me healthy, and happy, and sober.

I made a decision, one that was "healthy" for me, and in doing so I hurt someone. I feel guilty, and shameful about it. It makes me not want to blog.

But I get the whole we're as only as sick as our secrets. So blogging I am.

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, October 20, 2013